Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:36:57 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Nov 1995 to 6 Nov 1995 There are 15 messages totalling 348 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Lumberjack humor 2. CHAT: SAD DAY 3. Rosemary West likes her Lager. 4. marginal put-downs 5. Troubleshooting 6. Good Taste in Advertising??? 7. Spelling 8. certain ethnic joke 9. Yitzhak Rabin (off. to Jews) 10. Route 66? 11. E-mail addresses (off to the dead) 12. Sexually deprived man 13. Roadside restaurant sign - adult theme 14. Family humor about twins 15. Halloween party (mildly sexual) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 23:37:38 CST From: Andy Tunstill Subject: Lumberjack humor Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips"? askes Bill, "it's simple", John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 04:36:46 -0500 From: BEN SHAUL Subject: CHAT: SAD DAY ========= SYS. LIMIT,MAY BE UPPER CASE ============= I KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR SADNESS,BUT I FILL NECESSITY TO EXPRESS MY SELF TO YOU. IT'S A SAD DAY TO ALL OFF US. OUR PRIME MINISTER,OUR LEADER,OUR FATHER,THE MAN THAT WE ALL LEARN TO LOVE AND ADMIRE,YEZHAK RABIN,IS GONE. MURDERED. MURDERED BY A FANATIC YOUNG MAN. I DON'T WANT TO WEARY YOU,JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE ISRAELIS PEOPLE ARE CRYING THIS DAYS. . =============================================================== SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING! =============================================================== ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 10:53:21 +0000 From: Rick Russell Subject: Rosemary West likes her Lager. Rose West was in her cell awaiting trial and was pretty much down in the dumps. The prison guard, feeling a bit sorry for her, told her that he and his mates were having a bit of a party upstairs and that she could join them for a while and have a few drinks. He said that there was Gin, Whiskey, Vodka, or anyhing she wanted. She said that she did not drink spirits. The guard then said that there was also cans of Harp, Smithwicks, or Guinness if she was interested. She then said :- "Oh I'm not so keen on those, but I could murder a few Tennents!" ---------------------------------------------------------- Richard Russell, Leading Edge Research Limited, N.Ireland Tel:- 01846 604100 Fax:- 01846 604141 Confucius, he say: Man go to bed with sexual problem, wake up with solution in hand. ______ / \ | _ _ | | @ || @ | _____| () |_____ / | \__/ | \ | \______/ | | | | | | | R i k o | | ---------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 08:56:12 -0600 From: James Thorson Subject: marginal put-downs The best one I've seen was not on an exam paper or essay, but a student's question when teaching evaluations were distributed: "Is piss-poor hyphenated?" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 10:29:41 -0500 From: Robert Arnold Subject: Troubleshooting TROUBLESHOOTING!!! This is a story related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, about a repair call he handled while living in England. It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first just before the ring. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed the nearby pole, hooked his test set to the lady's line, and dialed the number. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down the pole the amazed Pat found: 1) The dog was tied to the telephone systems ground post via a metal chain and collar. 2) The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current. 3) After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground. 4) The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring. Which goes to show you that some problems can be fixed just by pissing on them. Original Sender unknown, Rusty ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 11:30:29 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Good Taste in Advertising??? Copied from Houston Chronicle dated 11-5-95 without permission: Sauza Tequilla wins both our 'Good Taste in Advertising' and our 'I Really Didn't Want To Know That' awards with its recent "Life is Harsh. Your tequilla shouldn't be." campaign. One ad features a guy laughing as his dog licks his face. Superimposed on the picture is the information "Dogs lick their genitals an average of four times a day." **If you see a person without a smile, give him/her one of yours.** ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 13:09:12 EST From: Michael Langdon Subject: Spelling A Six grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell "Before". He stands up and says Before B-E-P-H-O-R. The teachers says no that's wrong, can anyone else spell before? Another little boy stands up and says Before B-E-F-O-O-R? Again the teacher says no that's wrong. The teacher asks "Tyrone can you spell Before?" Tyrone stands up and says Before B---E----F?---O---R---E?. Excellent Tyrone, now can you use it in a sentence? Tyrone says "That's easy, Two plus two be fore" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 12:34:15 -0600 From: c181a08 Subject: certain ethnic joke Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman. Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Stosh. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" "Is fifty bucks all right?" Stosh asked. "Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well he must, he was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh. "Oh, by the way," said Stosh, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 13:35:07 EDT From: "William A. Reitwiesner" Subject: Yitzhak Rabin (off. to Jews) What's the difference between Yitzhak Rabin and a bagel? A bagel has only one hole! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 14:03:09 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Route 66? A young girl goes to her doctor for a checkup and he notices a rash on her chest in the shape of the letter "W". He asks how she got that and she says, "It's from my boyfriend's monogrammed sweater. He's so proud of it he doesn't even take it off when we make love." "I see, and your boyfriend goes to Wisconsin?" "No, he goes to Minnesota." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 12:53:29 -0600 From: John West Subject: E-mail addresses (off to the dead) E-mail Addresses: RGOLDMAN@WRONGPLACE.WRONGTIME.COM MGHANDI@NIRVANA.ORG DEBBIE@DALLAS.ORG JFK@OUTWINDOW.GRASSYKNOWL.OFFSHOULDER.DEAD.KENNEDYS.ORG RFK@DEAD.KENNEDYS.ORG EKENNEDY@DRUNK.SOONTOBEDEAD.KENNEDYS.ORG MMONROE@MISTRESS.DEAD.KENNEDYS.ORG ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 13:25:00 EDT From: "Lynn, Jon" Subject: Sexually deprived man A young man joins the foreign legion, and is posted deep in the heart of Africa, surrounded by desert. After a few months with no female contact, he visits his commander to explain: "I haven't had sex for ages - can you help me?" "Well," says the commander, "You can borrow my camel any time you like." The man declined, not wishing to seem that desperate. Six months past, and the man became increasingly frustrated. He went to the commander as before, but got the same reply: "The offer of my camel is still there." A year went by, and the poor man could stand it no longer. He went to the commander for one more time, his hands shaking; "It's no use - I haven't had sex for a year. I must use your camel." The commander agrees, and the man takes the animal around the back of the compound and relieves his frustrations. On returning, the man thanks the commander who says - "Anytime young man; It's much quicker to the local brothel by camel, isn't it?!" -- Jokes from the JON ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 15:11:31 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Roadside restaurant sign - adult theme Sign seen in a roadside restaurant near Port Angeles, Washington: This non-smoking area is protected by Smokey the Bear. If he catches you smoking he will crush your butt. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 19:03:52 EST From: Bill Subject: Family humor about twins SAN JOSE - Maria Estevez was reunited this morning with one of her twin sons whom she had given up for adoption. Just after birthing the two boys, she had given them up for adoption. Despite her best efforts, the boys had been separated. One of the boys, Juan (Estevez) Lopez was adopted by an Hispanic couple in Portland Oregan. The other boy, Amal (Estevez) Sadir was adopted by a Morrocan couple who returned to Morocco in 1988. The two boys have never met. On being reunited with her son, Ms. Estevez said "Oh, I wish Amal was here as well, that would be perfect." Her son's response was "Once you'v e seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Source: MikGreene" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 14:05:00 -0500 From: "jon (j.) bisbey" Subject: Halloween party (mildly sexual) A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------Receive d: from nmiss1.miss.nt.com by bcars735.bnr.ca id <19951106161549-0@bcars735.bnr.c a>; Mon, 6 Nov 1995 11:15:50 -0500 Message-Id: Date: 6 Nov 1995 11:09:50 -0500 From: "Monica Turnbull" Subject: FWD>>FW- joke To: "Jon Bisbey" , "Robert Dillon" , "Sonia Hautanen" , "Kim Kiebert" , "Rick Willison" , "Peter Turnbull-OTT" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP-QM 3.0.2 ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Nov 1995 to 6 Nov 1995 **********************************************