Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:53:12 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1995 to 3 Dec 1995 There are 11 messages totalling 426 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 2. HUMOR List Traffic Report 3. Length differences (rude) 4. FWD: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' written by a technica 5. Updated version: Psychiatric voice mail message 6. A family affair? 7. the meaning of UFOs 8. Two bums 9. hockey and sex 10. ABOUT TONY - RATED 11. The tea fancier - Joke- Clean ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 04:53:46 UT From: "D. S. Paull" Subject: Did you hear about the three blonds who froze to death? They went to the drive-in theatre to see "Closed For The Winter". SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER 8. Lower corner of screen has the words "etch-a-sketch" on it 7. Its celebrity spokesman is that "hey Vern!" guy 6. In order to start it you need some jumper cables & a friend's car 5. You know them floppy disks? Well this baby has a floppy keyboard! 4. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in the neighborhood start howling! 3. Screen frequently freezes up & message comes up: "ain't it break-time, Chester?" 2. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck" 1. The ONLY chip inside is a DORITO! You know you're getting old when. . . . . .resiting temptation is not as hard as recognizing it. . . .you know your way around, but you don't feel like going. . . .you go into a record store and expect to see records. . . .you're 17 around the neck, 38 around the waist and 126 around the golf course. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 02:11:30 -0500 From: Jim Goldman Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hello everyone! This is Jim, the HUMOR List Traffic Reporter. Once a month it is my responsibility to send the traffic report to the entire list. Welcome to the month of December. If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about the HUMOR list, please feel free to email me at jimphynn@interramp.com. You may also want to check out my web page at http://www.webcom.com/ jimphynn. I am here for you. If you subscribe to HUMOR and would like to gain contributor's status, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE. That's it for now, and I'll see you all next month. :) Traffic Report for HUMOR, 26 November - 2 December (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 26 Sunday 10 8 11 14 7 27 Monday 16 15 18 21 20 28 Tuesday 23 17 13 20 12 29 Wednesday 18 18 13 14 16 30 Thursday 13 15 20 10 23 1 Friday 19 15 15 9 17 2 Saturday 11 10 11 6 8 Averages 15.7 14.0 14.4 13.4 14.7 Subscriptions 7,865 7,967 8,069 8,095 8,138 Countries 67 68 68 67 66 Contributors 625 640 649 654 660 Here is a list of all non-concealed countries subscribing to HUMOR: (let me know if your country is not listed here.) Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Monaco, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi- Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, USA, and Venezuela. These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. ** The following are the goals of HUMOR: To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of humor. To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects. To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection of sensitivities for readers. ** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules: 1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints. Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor. Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive. A contributor who violates rules may be suspended. 2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic. Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted. Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted One contribution per day. No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions. Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max). Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No signature file. And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: Enlightening Thought How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter (jimphynn@interramp.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn) ===================================================================== To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR-P. To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field. ----------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 10:05:11 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Length differences (rude) Do you know that the average length of a penis is 6 inches and the average depth of a vagina is about 7 inches? - What's the conclusion? There are hundreds of miles of wasted pussy in the world. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ariel Altar e-mail: ALTARA@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL phone: 972-4-8294394 Quality Assurance & Reliability Dept. Technion - Israel Institute of Technology Hey, what's love got to do with it? (T.T.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Dec 1995 15:33:00 EST From: Ron Barak Subject: FWD: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' written by a technica 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by a technical writer for a firm that does Gov't contracting... 'Twas The Night Before Christmas 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 09:45:46 EST From: Bill Subject: Updated version: Psychiatric voice mail message This an updated version of some humor which has already been posted several times to HUMOR. I hope you agree there are so nice improvements. Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 10:41:35 -0500 (EST) From: Mike Berger hi - my wife forwarded this to me, and i pass it on to you. cheers Ring Ring *click* Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline automated answering service. If you are obsessive-complsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 12:59:14 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: A family affair? A guy walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey lined up in front of him. He tosses them off, one by one, and says, "Boy, I really needed that!" "Got a problem?" the bartender asks. "Just found out one of my sons is gay." Two days later, the same guy walks in and orders four shots of whiskey, tosses them off and tells the bartender he just found out another of his sons is gay. The following day he comes in again and says, "Might as well give me the whole damn bottle." "Good Lord," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family enjoy having sex with women?" "Yeah, my wife does." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Dec 1995 08:38:05 +0900 From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: the meaning of UFOs >From the ASTRO mailing list A clever man (A.C. Clarke?) said that the phenomenon of UFO does not say anything about intelligence in the Universe but it proves how rare it is on the Earth. === ciao maurizio ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 19:28:25 -0500 From: Dave Howard Subject: Two bums This cop was walking down the street one day when he noticed two bums sitting in an alley. As he walked down the alley to roust these two guys he noticed that one bum had his finger up the other bum's ass. "What the hell is going on here!?" he said. One of the bums looked up and said in a very drunken voice, "I'm trying to make him throw up." The cop said, "You idiot, you're supposed to stick your finger in his throat, not up his ass!" The bum said, "I was just getting ready to do that when you walked up." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 17:01:21 -0800 From: Jack Kolb Subject: hockey and sex From: jokemaster@genie.com TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX 10. It's legal to play hockey professionally. 9. The puck is always hard. 8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it. 7. It lasts a full hour. 6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds. 5. Your parents cheer when you score. 4. Periods only last 20 minutes. 3. You can count on it at least twice a week. 2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards. And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex... A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon. Thanks Bill Denham Jack Kolb (kolb@ucla.edu) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 20:50:55 -0500 From: Harold Browning Subject: ABOUT TONY - RATED An oldie from my files Frank and Tony worked at the automobile plant for many years and were good friends. One day during a coffee break, Frank thought Tony looked out of sorts and told him so, asking him what the problem was. Tony: It's my wife. She's giving me a hard time. Frank: After all these years of married life ? Why ? Tony: She gets upset about me picking my nose. Also, when we have sex, she wants to be on top. Frank: Can't you work out some compromise with her ? Tony: Not on these two things. I can't change now. Frank: C'mon Tony, why not ? Why won't you even try ? Tony: It goes way back. When I left home to go out on my own, my father and I had a talk. He said " Tony, you're a gooda boy an I wanna you to be a success. There'sa two things you gotta promise me that you'll always remember. One is to keepa you nose clean and the other is to NEVER screw up". (I heard it with the f word; your choice) Harold Browning ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 23:39:49 -0500 From: Harold Browning Subject: The tea fancier - Joke- Clean A gentleman I know is an avid tea fancier, so much so that he would go anywhere to try a new or interesting tea. He happened to read, in the newspaper, of a tea that was reported to be very unusually good in a small city named Mercy, in Australia. So it was no surprise that he took off for there and located the shop where it was being sold. He made his desires known and relaxed while they prepared a pot of their special tea for him. After drinking the tea, he told the proprietor that the tea had an excellent flavor but he did not care for the debris in the cup. It was explained to him that the tea was collected by koala bears and naturally had bits of eucalyptus leaves and bark in with the tea leaves; and also it was just *that* which gave it the exquisite flavor. When the visitor said he would prefer the tea without the leaves and bark in the cup, the proprietor responded by saying " Surely, you will remember that the KOALA TEA OF MERCY IS NOT STRAINED". Harold Browning with apologies to Shakespeare. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1995 to 3 Dec 1995 **********************************************