Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:53:13 CET
From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1995 to 4 Dec 1995

There are 15 messages totalling 584 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. height - III
  2. 25 xmas ideas to torture your room mate PT.1 (1-12)
  3. Alphabet love (may be offensive to men)
  4. Humor: Christmas Eve in Brooklyn
  5. No table manners
  6. Child support? <off. to gays>
  7. Joe Montana
  8. Christmas Reindeer Quiz
  9. Auto problem (off. to homosexuals)
 10. Fremch nuclear testing
 11. SLUGGO Press Release
 12. Lawyer joke <off. lawyers, sexual references>
 13. New Year's resolutions?  <not off>
 14. Good Old Days
 15. Chinese Torture Tests <offensive to Chinese, contains graphic hu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 10:54:30 +0530
From:    Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: height - III

Q : What is the height of comparison ?
A : A man pissing in front of Niagara falls .

;-)
        sanjana

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 02:19:20 -0500
From:    Lee Vermont <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: 25 xmas ideas to torture your room mate PT.1 (1-12)

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life.  If s/he tries to
bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.

2.Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap.  Refuse to get
off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time.  Deny you're wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway.  When your roomate enters or leaves
the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it.  Collect coal and sharp
objects in it.  If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers.  Constantly complain about how
you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols.  (I.E. "You
know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last
night.")

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth..."

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head.
When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 07:44:38 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Alphabet love (may be offensive to men)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(This article was taken from the December 1995 issue of "Self" magazine,
written by Stephanie Dolgoff.)

SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover
all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared
of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup?
In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), we've compiled the
essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men
and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while
pursuing a real relationship.

SNAG
(Sensitive New Age Guy)
        Searching for a sensitive guy? Be careful you don't hit a SNAG.
These guys use moves they've picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic
tupes to they , in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting
you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk - "I'm really
concerned about how you feel" - but they never really listen. Fear not;
After encountering a few SNAGS, you'll be able to spot the truly
sensitive guy when he comes along.


WIP
(Work In Progress)
        A guy with potential whom you take on knowing that you'll be
spoon-feeding him tips on basic social skills: "If you could ask me how
I'm doing once in a while, that would be really great" or, depending upon
your standards, "Honey, that's a fork. We use it to eat."


ICH
(I'll Change Him)
        You have an ICH (pronounced "itch") when you tend tragically
toward WIPs. Best bet: Scratch the WIPs off your list and leave the ICH
syndrome to someone with nothing better to do.


PG
(Probably Gay)
        If he's handsome, smart, funny, unmarried and utterly
uninterested in you, he gets a PG rating. Yes, it's politically
incorrect. No, it's never 100 percent accurate. Of course, it's not fair.
But egos must be preserved.


TOD
(Therapy Overdose)
        You know you're dating a TOD (pronounced "toad") when he can't
seem to stop using phrases like "compulsive personality," "codependency,"
and "obsessive" to justify the error of his ways or to criticize your
perfectly human foibles. TODs tend to use therapy jargon to dodge
responsibility, as in "I recognize I have issues around monogamy, but
transferring pent-up anger about your father makes me want to retreat,"
rather than admitting to having slept with his coworker. Again.


NIC
(Now I'm Cool)
        NICs are those guys who have never gotten over being considered
dweebs in high school and are intent on making up for lost time by
cutting a wide remantic swath through the female population. "If I can
date her, I must be able to get someone better," they think during the
middle of your third - and final - date.


YOC
(You Ordered Coffee)
        A YOC date (pronounced "yuck) is one where he insists on dividing
the check to the penny, according to how many fries and and cups of
coffee you each consumed. He won't be sexually or emotionally generous
either.


IBM
(Ideal Breeding Material)
        Having just set eyes on an IBM, you're already calculating your
possible genetic combinations with him and visualizing what your child
would look like if he were the dad.


MOL
(My Other Line)
        MOL describes the use of an actual or imagined call-waiting beep
to escape a conversation. "He wouldn't get off the phone, so I had to MOL
him." A gross breach of telephone etiquette, but it's an effective
technique nonetheless.


PUP
(Pick-Up Potential)
        A PUP is anyone you deep worthy of your attention. For example,
you see a PUP on the stairclimber at the gym and you consider asking out
for a postworkout fruit juice.


SIS
(Stud In Spandex)
        A gym predator who peacocks in front of the full-length mirror,
the SIS only pauses to offer to spot you when you are hoisting those
arduous three-pound free weights. His interest lies in swapping sweat,
not knowledge.


BOOR
(Babe Out Of Reach)
        The average-looking guy who wipes the mustard off his child's
shirt becomes a BOOR - instantly because he's unavailable.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 06:42:44 +0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Christmas Eve in Brooklyn

   Christmas Eve in Brooklyn
by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "Ay! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=-    You can't let her drive!  She's legally blonde!!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 17:09:53 +0000
From:    Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: No table manners

A new employee is invited round to the boss's house for dinner,
just as a way of welcoming him into the company.
After thay have eaten a large meal, the employee leans sideways
on his chair and lets an almighty fart at the dinner table.
The Boss, with a look of disgust, turns to the man and says:
"How dare you fart in front of my wife!"
and the man replies:
"Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't realise it was her turn!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 12:53:17 EST
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Child support? <off. to gays>

A gay walks into his doctor's office claiming to be pregnant.  "No way,
" the doctor says, "you don't have any ovaries, vagina, womb, fallopian
tubes...you couldn't possibly be pregnant."  The gay keeps insisting
he's pregnant so the doctor tells his nurse to give him a pregnancy
test and get rid of him.  The nurse returns with an astonished look on
her face and informs the doctor the patient is pregnant!  The doctor
calls him into his office, gives him the news and asks if he has any
idea who the father might be.  "Hey," he replies, "you think I got eyes
in the back of my head?"   Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 12:51:00 EST
From:    Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Joe Montana

What would you get if Joe Montana killed three people?








Joe would have a new NFL record!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 11:14:44 -0700
From:    Noelle Umback <umback@LAMAR.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Reindeer Quiz

I heard this from some friends the other day:


Q:  Can you name Santa's reindeer?


(after the askee goes through Dasher, Dancer, ... Blitzen, and Rudolph, you say:)

A:  No, there's one more:  Olive, the other reindeer

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 12:20:06 -0600
From:    c181a08 <c181a08@CARROLL1.CC.EDU>
Subject: Auto problem (off. to homosexuals)

Q: Did you hear that Rock Hudson was fired from his first job as a taxi driver?

A: He kept getting rear ended all the time!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 15:08:38 -0500
From:    Nathan Faut <Nathan_Faut@NIH.GOV>
Subject: Re: Fremch nuclear testing

A found object:

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

DISCLAIMER:  I like French people, food and wine very much, but I am not
really all that fond of French nuclear weapons or radioactive fallout.

Subject:  Open Letter to French Prime Minister
Date:     8/22/95 1:33 AM

Here's an open letter to M. Jacques Chirac published in an Australian newspaper:

Mon cher Jack,

Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique avec
le Frog bombes nuclears.  Je reckon vous must have un spot in La Belle
France itself pour les explosions.  Le Massive Central?  Le Quay d'Orsay?
Le Champs Elysees?  Votre own back yard, peut etre?

Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport!  Le guerre cold est fini!  Votres
forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beaucoup as poisson need
les bicyclettes.

Un autre point, cobber.  Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash,
consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt,
Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et Dien Bien Phu.  Un bombe
won't change le tradition.  Je |mon pere|mon grand pere|le cousin third avec
ma grandmere|la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats against La Boche
in WWI (le Big One).  Have vous forgotten?

Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de l'Australie le
curse anciens d'Angleterre -- "Damnation to the French" -- will be heard un
autre temps.

Votre chums don't want that.

Millo

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 15:54:08 -0500
From:    Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO Press Release

DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every
person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target.
I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many
topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions,
input, and ESPECIALLY criticism.
____________________________________________________________
SLUGGO Press Release - 53rd edition - part 1 of 2
Staff contributors: Newsguy, Norskawood, SYKO, Darkman Press,
                    Roiders, Snoopy, Wild-Wild Press, Lord Vader

H I G H L I G H T S

1. (RUSSIA) President Boris Yeltsin failed to show up to open an
international air show near Moscow. His whereabouts was later discovered
to be a restroom at the airfield where emergency medical technicians
tried for several hours, unsuccessfully to extricate his penis from the
zipper of his trousers. The screams were said to be heard by all who
attended the air show, but dutiful advisors, trying to keep the
incident low-key, told passersby that the restroom was being
used for the international stone-passers convention.
(REUSTR - 22 AUG)

2. (USA) In the wake of Mike Tysons' triumphant return to the ring,
he has signed what is being billed as the "top money making fight
of the century." Just hours after his first victory since his
release from prison, Tyson signed a contract to fight the children's
favorite, Barney. While Tyson is expected to win the fight hands
down, the pay-per-view companies plan to rake in millions. A
pay-per-view spokesman was quoted as saying "Although it won't be
much of a fight, we figure millions of parents will be willing to
shell out $50 to see that overgrown, mind controlling, annoying
purple bastard get the shit knocked out of him."
(Darkman-21July)

3. (AFGHANISTAN) Afghanistan's student militia killed 71 people and
burnt down 17 city blocks early on Wednesday during this year's
graduation ceremony in Islamabad. Proud university professors stood
by and watched the destruction as the seeds of their knowledge took
root. Since the University in Islamabad became among the first in
the world to offer graduate programs in Applied Terrorism, Coup
Engineering, and Destructive Anger Science, students from all over
the world have flooded the university with application requests.
(REUSTR, 9 AUG)

4. (HONG KONG/CHINA) Britain and China failed again on Monday to
solve a long-running dispute over whether Razzles are a candy or
a chewing gum. "To be quite honest," British Prime Minister John
Major noted yesterday, "the question is only raised every year or
so in order for us to be able to hear the Chinese struggle with the
word `Razzles.'" -SYKO, 27 Jun-

5. (NORTH KOREA-RICE) North Korea, in an apparent bid to get a
landmark rice deal back on track has turned to harvesting maggots
from dead things. Standing up to international criticism, as well as
opposition from the home front, North Korean health officials
claim that the nutritional value is similar to rice, as well as
cost effective. Consumers are however encouraged to shudder
violently while eating the rice substitute so any movement of the
food wont be noticed. -REUSTR, 18 AUG-

6. (RUSSIA) A U.S. journalist, Andrew Shumek, has disappeared in
Chechnya. The photographer, in his late 20's was last seen on 25
July, photographing a large russian bear. (DARKBOY - 16 AUG)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 16:53:46 -0500
From:    Kevin Krom <krom@CGI.COM>
Subject: Lawyer joke <off. lawyers, sexual references>

Q: Why does a lawyer wear a tie?
A: To keep the foreskin from slipping over his head!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 17:49:25 -0600
From:    "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: New Year's resolutions?  <not off>

Subject: New Year's Resolutions--1996

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those
ever so important New Year's Resolutions.  I have faithfully made such
resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of
them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year
after year.

Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 1996 Edition":

Resolution #1
  1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
  1994: I will not leave Marge.
  1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
  1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
  1993: I will stop looking at other women.
  1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.
  1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
  1996: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
  1993: I will not let my boss push me around.
  1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
  1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
  1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
  1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
  1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
  1995: I will read 5 books a year.
  1996: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
  1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
  1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
  1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
  1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
  1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
  1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
  1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
  1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
  1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
  1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
  1995: I will not become a "problem drinker".
  1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
  1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
  1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
  1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
  1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.

Resolution #9
  1993: I will see my dentist this year.
  1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.
  1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.
  1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
  1993: I will go to church every Sunday.
  1994: I will go to church as often as possible.
  1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
  1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Resolution #11
  1993: I will not be self-destructive.


______________________________________________________

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 4 Dec 1995 20:16:58 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Good Old Days

Good old days:
1.what people fifty years hence will be calling the present time.
2. when a juvenile delinquent was a kid who owed a few cents on an overdue
library book.
3. when a teenager went into the garage and came out with a lawn mower.
4. when a prisoner, not the sentence, was suspended.
5. when you got the landlord to fix anything by just threatening to move.

**Laughter is good medicine and it has no bad side effects.**

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 5 Dec 1995 10:57:34 EDT
From:    "K. Elizabeth Cauthen" <KCAUTHEN@LOKI.BERRY.EDU>
Subject: Chinese Torture Tests <offensive to Chinese, contains graphic hu

Three worst Chinese torture tests

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten
anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in
caves and under trees.  One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods.  It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the
chimney implying someone is home.  He knocks on the door and an old man
answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes
and says "What do you want?"  The man says "I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
for tonight."  The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tommorrow morning."  The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
out in the wilderness all her life?  Well, that night, when the man came down to
eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was
an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,
it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl
had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and
well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.  That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
himself "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
experience"  Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on
his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
test: 100 lb rock on your chest""What a lame torture test" the man thought to
himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
testicle".The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window
is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle
tied to bedpost"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Dec 1995 to 4 Dec 1995
**********************************************