Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:53:08 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1995 to 5 Dec 1995 There are 13 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Three workers 2. Scientific Deer Hunting 3. Humor: An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 4. Panda joke 5. Disorder in the Court 6. Another PC 'Night Before' 7. Exchanging words 8. 25 xmas ideas to torture your room mate PT.2 (13-25) 9. chain letter parody 10. Christmas Poem 11. bar fare 12. Husband and wife (the "F" word). 13. Sex & Hockey ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 12:24:44 +0200 From: stathis panagiotopoylos Subject: Three workers At the construction site, there's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working together. Come lunchtime,they sit on a ledge and unwrap their sandwiches. Upon doing this, the Englishman exclaims, "damn, not ham again! Next time I get ham, I'm gonna jump right off this ledge!". The Scotsman unwraps his, and goes "damn, not cheddar again! Next time she fixes me cheddar, I'm gonna jump off, too!". The Irishman unwraps his, goes, "damn, not pastrami again, next time I'm jumping, too". The next day at lunchtime they unwrap their sandwiches and sure enough, the same fillings! "Oh shit, ham again!", says the Englishman, jumps off and gets killed! "Shit, cheddar again", says the Scotsman and jumps, "Oh shit, pastrami again" says the Irishman and jumps to his death. Come tha day of the funeral, the Englishman and Scotsman's wives are bawling their eyes out, crying, screaming etc. "Oh, if I only knew you didn't like ham/cheddar, if I only knew, my beloved" etc. The Irishman's wife is impassive, does not shed a tear, looks not a bit worried. So the other two wives ask her, "why are you not grieving? You did lose your husband, didn't you? Not even a tear?". "Oh, I'm noy crying over *him*, he was a damn fool", says the Irishman's wife. "He always fixed his sandwiches himself!" ________________________ Stathis N. Panagiotopoulos http://hypernet.hyper.gr/~span/ Deep Purple Appreciation Society, Greece ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 07:40:11 -0500 From: Lou Cantolupo Subject: Scientific Deer Hunting Sorry about missing Monday (I had promised it then). Again, credit to cumm0014@gold.tc.umn.edu. ______________________ 2 Theoretical Physics Methods ----------------------------- 2.1 The Dirac method -------------------- We assert that wild deers can ipso facto not be observed in the woods. Therefore, if there are any deers at all in the woods, they are tame. We leave catching a tame deer as an exercise to the reader. 2.2 The Schroedinger method --------------------------- At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the deer being in the cage. Sit and wait. 2.3 The nuclear physics method ----------------------------- Insert a tame deer into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on it and a wild deer. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male deer. We insert a tame female deer into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins. 2.4 A relativistic method ------------------------- All over the woods we distribute deer bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the woods. This will curl around the deer so it gets all confused and can be approached without being alerted to our presence. 2.5 The Newton method ----------------- Neglect friction and the deer and the cage will attract each other. 3 Experimental Physics Methods ----------------------------- 3.1 The thermodynamics method ----------------------------- We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but deers pass through. This we drag through the woods. 3.2 The atomic fission method ----------------------------- We irradiate the woods with slow neutrons. The deer becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the deer will be unable to resist. [1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457 [2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3 [3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch derFunktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every deer except for at most one. [4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933), pp 73-74 [5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89 [6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8 (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107 [7] ibid " ...lou. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 07:42:38 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a species found in artic regions; and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen"; and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, ie: Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Room Service? I need chocolate, whipped cream & a rope. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:44:04 +0000 From: Richard Russell Subject: Panda joke A panda breaks out of the local zoo and runs for ages to escape the zoo security. He is exhausted but eventually seeks refuge in a brothel. He goes in, and due to his exhausted state, is taken pity on by one of the prostitutes. She takes him into her room and makes him a big meal to bring his strength back. All the naked skin and lingerie gets the panda horned up and he persuades the girl to have sex with him. He has the best shag of his life and as he is going out the door, the prostitute asks for her money. With a bewildered look, the panda says that he does not understand. The prostitute then opens her dictionary and points out the word prostitute, which states:- "Prostitute: A woman who offer sexual satisfaction for money." The panda then takes the book off her and turns to the page with the word panda, which states:- "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves." At this, he walks out and slams the door! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 10:58:09 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Disorder in the Court From:Richard Lederer's "Collection of'Transquips'" Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor , did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name? A. Earnestime McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. **The difference between truth and fiction. Fiction has to make sense.---Mark Twain.** ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 12:37:03 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Another PC 'Night Before' This jewel was sent to HUMOR last December From: CURT BRAMBLETT It's certainly worth a repeat! Politically Correct Santa 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe'; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." (c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992 Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 13:08:20 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Exchanging words Prince Charles is working a crossword puzzle and gets stuck on a word. He turns to Princess Di and asks, "Can you think of a four letter word for a woman that ends in u-n-t?" "Certainly," she says, "how about aunt?" "Thank you," Princes Charles says, "do you happen to have an eraser?" Lady Di is also working a crossword puzzle and turns to the Prince and asks, "Can you think of a four letter word ending in 'k' that means the same as intercourse?" Prince Charles replies, "How about talk?" "Pass the eraser back, please," Princess Di asks. Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:00:47 -0500 From: Lee Vermont Subject: 25 xmas ideas to torture your room mate PT.2 (13-25) 13. Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc." 14. Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!" 15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" 16. Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street. 17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel. 18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends "give it a yank." 20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings." 21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear. 22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comesnaturaly. 23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..." 24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn." 25.When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:20:44 -0500 From: ed lynn Subject: chain letter parody i'm supposing that every one of you has, at one time or another, been the target of a chain letter. more recently, this "art" has entered into the digital domain in the form of "chain e-mail." just this morning, a friend from new jersey (who, besides teaching gym, shall remain nameless) e-mailed me a chain letter from someone named "mike" who claimed he started the chain letter because he had terminal brain cancer and just wanted to see it go around the world. i've received quite a few "chain e-mails" in the last month alone, so this one inspired me to write a rebuttal, so to speak. a chain-letter parody, if you will. i've gotten some response already in the few short hours since i initially emailed it to those who received the real email. to wit: "Very amusing. Thanks for the laugh. Rabies?!?!?!?!?" --ccomer@clan30.molloy.edu i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed composing it. "Hi. My name is Mike. I was born in Lake Waldo, a lakeside town of just under one thousand residents. I attended Lake Waldo High School and Mental Care Facility and graduated with a class of approximately 100 students (and 14 mentally-handicapped individuals (3 of which believed themselves to be of interplanetary origin)). I come from a long line of ancestors and the total count of family members currently stands at six. I have one older sister, a communications major at the Lake Waldo School for Professional Speech. I also have two younger siblings who happened to be born with a single colon. My sister is a sophomore at Lake Waldo High School, and my brother is currently in fifth grade for the eleventh time. "My interests include watching cross country, watching sports, and watching what I say around my father when comes home stinking drunk singing 'the Pina Colada Song' over and over at the top of his lungs. My course of study at Lake Waldo is based on the four basic food groups. The high school has a strong reputation in agriculture and animal husbandry and its proximity to the lake makes for some awesome fishing. "My past experience with computers has been limited. I have a little experience downloading pornography from the internet and I am fairly competent when it comes to turning the machine on. Until two months ago, I didn't have access to a computer in my room; however, my roommate had a word processor. When he contracted an unusual strain of venereal disease, it was untreatable and he left me the machine in his will. It was as if he knew it was coming. "By writing this letter, I hope to reach out to several million people around the world. This is my only attempt at starting a chain letter. And my last. You see, my doctor has diagnosed me with rabies. He's not exactly sure how I contracted it, as our family is too poor to own a dog. Suffice it to say, I've consumed quite a lot of water in the course of composing this letter. The lake's water levels have gone down over a foot despite the steady rains this spring. "My one goal in life is to have a chain letter sent around the world before I die. If for anything, just to annoy the people who've laughed and called me 'foamy' over the last six months. Please help me achieve this. Send this letter to five people who called you names in high school. Thank you." -- doug carroll (a.k.a. ed lynn) idiot wind magazine visit our web page at http://www/io/com/~mtbandit/iw/iwind2.htm ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 16:25:40 -0500 From: Jo Ellen Harris Subject: Christmas Poem A Christmas poem 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Thanks to JustaSurfr@aol.com for passing this along :) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:18:43 -0800 From: Jack Kolb Subject: bar fare Thanks to jokemaster@genie.com (Gary Guibor) and Gary Killops Thirsty Tom runs into the local bar one hot summer afternoon and yells to the bartender, "I want something tall, cold, and full of gin." "Sir," said a very dignified man, "you are speaking of my wife!" Jack Kolb kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 15:45:00 PST From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Husband and wife (the "F" word). So this guy is having a lot of trouble with his wife. Arguements, etc for years... So he finally decides to go to a psychiatrist to talk about it. After several sessions, the psychiatrist finally gives him the advice, "What she needs is a good nine inches and make it hurt!" So, he went home, fucked her three times and hit her with a brick. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 23:52:47 -0500 From: Jerry Cole Subject: Sex & Hockey Do you know why Canadians do it "doggie style? So that they both can watch the hockey game. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1995 to 5 Dec 1995 **********************************************