Date: Mon, 22 Jul 96 16:53:10 CET From: Tim_ZZ_Holliefield_at_CC__RHEIN@admin.ed.umuc.edu Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1995 to 6 Dec 1995 There are 14 messages totalling 607 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Nun joke 2. Job Application 3. Humor: Cajun Night Before Christmas 4. Moon message (fwd) 5. Good Old Days-- 6. Grocery shopping is DANGEROUS! 7. Read the Manual! 8. O.J. jokes 9. Customer service. 10. How to kill an eel (fwd) 11. Farmer's mule 12. NUDE PAINTING 13. Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 14. OJ Joke ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 09:16:41 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Nun joke It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 08:06:44 -0500 From: Lou Cantolupo Subject: Job Application A position opened up at my company and I faxed this letter to our management. I received no response. It's mildly amusing. FYI--"fibrillation" is when the heart beats out of rhythm. ________________________ Human Resources Officer Somewhere, USA To whom it may concern: I am inquiring about a position with your company in the clinical affairs division. My experience as a trials director stems from many years of hands on as well as participatory experience. I first became interested in the trial process during my years as a volunteer in Fort Detrick's Neurotransmitter Conductance Program. For $500/week, I was given injections of a neural inhibitor into the frontal lobe of my brain. Having been fascinated by the process involved in large administrations, I decided to pursue a medical education. My years in El Duego De La Medicinal, Mexico, were perhaps my formative. I easily completed their one year M.D. program suma cum laude. Having been denied practice in the United States, I set up a small suburban medical office outside Cancun serving weary travelers struck with the local flora. I knew that there had to be better drugs other than the shaminstic rituals taught to me by the high priest at La Medicinal. With these thoughts in mind, I set out to design my own pharmaceuticals. The first trials involving my defibrillase (an anti-defibrillation enzyme) were unsuccessful. Fifteen patients enrolled with which an accurate medical history could not be presented. As a result, 13 patients died before I could properly compensate them, with the other two now suffering from acute angina. I blame this on the demographics of the local population of inner Mexico City rather than the pharmacological effects of defibrillase. Needing a broader study base, I decided to relocate to the United States. My first venture was studying the effects of homeopathic anti-bacterial's. I found that they were truly effective against such agents as S. aureus if they were supplemented with 1000mg/day of erthryomycin. Publication of this study has been sent for peer review. But now I wish to move on. I note that you have an immediate opening and wish to fill it. If you have further questions, my CV is available by request. Thank you. I.M. Goode, M.D. ________ lou... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 07:33:01 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Cajun Night Before Christmas Cajun Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house, Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse. De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo', An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'. De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham, Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam. Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter, Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder. I run like a rabbit to got to de do', Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'. As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon, I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon." Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff, Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff. An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick, I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick. Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name: "Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'! Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'! To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall, Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall." Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly, W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by. Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim! Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'. Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail, W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail. Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam, An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam. "Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal." He got on his foots an' jump like de cat Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT! He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot, An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot. A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back, He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack. His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry! Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry. His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry, On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry. Wit' snow-shite chin whisker an' quiverin' belly, He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly! But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head, Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared. He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work, Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk. He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head, Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said: "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame, Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came." So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof, He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof. He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip, De' gator move down, An don' make one slip. An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go, "Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!" J.B.Kling, Jr. 1973 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Possum On The Information Superhighway ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 08:23:52 -0500 From: Grady Lacy Subject: Moon message (fwd) "Dickibus " sent this to a list that I am on. He said, "Couldn't resist forwarding this one .." I agree. Thus, I forward it to you for your enjoyment. Grady ====================================================== About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits. Near by, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange=7F creatures walk about occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land." --Charles Phillip Whitedog, Ojibway and Network Manager Multimission Ground Systems Office (Mission Control), Jet Propulsion Laboratory, NASA ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 10:42:48 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Good Old Days-- Thanks to Sheldon Cheney who forwarded this: Good old days: 6. when "Factory Outlet Stores" really were factory outlets and not just stores. 7. when nobody ever heard of recycling but they took their empty bottles back to the store to be refilled and gave newspapers to the Scout paper drive. 8. when "dime stores" really had things you could buy for a dime--like large candy bars and double or triple scoop ice cream cones. 9. when "cellophane" really was Cellophane. 10. when trollys were trolley cars with trolly poles to get power from the overhead line, not buses with an old timey look. 11. when milk shakes were made from milk and ice cream, not dispensed from a machine with God knows what for ingredients. (Frappe in New Eng.) 12. when you took the train if you were making a long trip. 13. when Choo Choo trains really were. **Laughter is good medicine and it has no bad side effects.** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 10:59:48 -0500 From: Nathan Faut Subject: Grocery shopping is DANGEROUS! A found object, slightly edited: =+=+=+=+=+=+=+= A woman named Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in-laws and, while she was there, she went to the store. She parked the car in the parking lot next to a car with a woman sitting in it with her eyes closed and her hands behind her head. This woman looked a little out of sorts to Linda but she figured that the woman must be sleeping. When she returned to her car a little while later, Linda saw the same woman in the same car with her eyes open but her hands were still behind her head. The woman now looked panic-stricken, so Linda tapped on the window and asked loudly, "Are you okay?" The woman shouted back, "I've been shot in the head and I'm holding my brains in!" Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store and had the supermarket called the paramedics. When the paramedics arrived, they had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in the car, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head in her hands. Apparently, a Pillsbury biscuit container had exploded in the heat of the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gun shot, and the dough hit her in the back of the head. When she went back to feel what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fear at first, then attempted to keep her brains in. =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= I can't take credit for these, folks -- I just pass them on as I find them. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 11:32:35 -0500 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Read the Manual! IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to: PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about: 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift. WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete. 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief. WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY. 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B. 4. WARRANTY Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 10:42:56 -0600 From: c181a08 Subject: O.J. jokes This O.J. trial only proved one thing: that O.J. Simpson is the best runner ever! There's a new motto for Hertz: It gets you to the airport with an hour to kill! Judge Ito didn't have breakfast this morning: he was waiting for the Juice! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 13:47:46 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Customer service. Business was good at the local brothel and all of the older prostitutes got a pay raise but the young and inexperienced ones didn't get any. When they angrily protested about it to the madam of the house she said, "You girls are too new at this business. Number one thing you gotta learn is the customer comes first." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 14:32:51 EST From: "Lori R. Wilkinson" Subject: How to kill an eel (fwd) >>>>> >HOW TO KILL AN EEL >>>>> >>>>> Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, >>>>>rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other >>>>>boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took >>>>>his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of >>>>>explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one >>>>>night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. >>>>> This he did, and the following morning Johnny described >>>>>everything to his mother: "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for >>>>>a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss >>>>>and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started >>>>>looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand >>>>>inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except >>>>>he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding >>>>>her heart. >>>>> He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started >>>>>panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been >>>>>getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis >>>>>got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I >>>>>know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. >>>>> Finally, I found out what was making them so sick . . . a big eel >>>>>had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and >>>>>stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one >>>>>hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really >>>>>scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling >>>>>out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw >>>>>at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting >>>>>its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I >>>>>guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it >>>>>tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the >>>>>eels head to keep it from biting again. >>>>> Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock >>>>>on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a >>>>>hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend >>>>>almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by >>>>>squishing it between them. >>>>> After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her >>>>>boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was >>>>>dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were >>>>>hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, >>>>>but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her >>>>>again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight >>>>>up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats . . . they >>>>>have nine lives or something. >>>>> This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on >>>>>it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I >>>>>know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the >>>>>skin and flush it down the toilet." >>>>> Mother fainted. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 10:28:18 +0000 From: Mark Huth Subject: Farmer's mule A farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who insisted on a tour of the place after she arrived. When they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stationed himself at the casket and greeted friends and family as they walked by. The pastor noticed that, whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head, "Yes". Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No". The pastor noticed this happened without fail, "Yes" to women, "No" to men. He asked the farmer after the service what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it is'. The men would ask, 'Want to sell that mule?', and I would shake my head and say, 'Not on your life'." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 16:56:54 -0500 From: Harold Browning Subject: NUDE PAINTING The wealthy, society lady came to the artist's studio to have him do a painting of her. She told him that she wanted to be painted in the nude and he agreed that it would pose no problem. He asked how soon she would like to get started and she replied, "no time like the present". He excused himself to go into an adjoining room to get some materials he needed. In a few minutes he came back completely nude except for his boots and said " I hope the boots are O.K.with you. I've got to have someplace to keep my brushes. From the archives of Harold Browning ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 09:18:41 +0900 From: Maurizio MORABITO Subject: Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 Forwarded message: >>> Subject: Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta) Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times." Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich." Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued. <<< ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 22:38:13 -0500 From: Hal Tremper Subject: OJ Joke Now OJ is going to be interviewed by CNN. He sure has benefited from our modern legal and medical systems. If he had lived in Roman times, he would have undergone a brutal cross examination, and suffered badly from hangnails. Of course, he might have been saved by religion. In those days, preachers had a way of getting across. Marsha Clark and Chris Darden would have found themselves working at cross purposes. You might groan at my jokes, but if a Roman had told them, they would be excruciating. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Dec 1995 to 6 Dec 1995 **********************************************