HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1996 to 2 Jan 1996 There are 9 messages totalling 332 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Humor: You know you're getting older when... 2. Shot in the dark? 3. Cultural diffs 4. David Brinkley early TV news goof-up 5. Balls (Strictly adult theme!) 6. Are you addicted to e-mail? 7. SAVOIR-FAIRE (mild; suggestive) 8. Letter to Home Office 9. Algebra at Eden ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 08:10:11 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: You know you're getting older when . . . - Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. - The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. - You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere. - Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. - You get winded playing chess. - Your children begin to look middle aged. - You're still chasing women but can't remember why. - A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. - You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. - You look forward to a dull evening. - You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals. - Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." - You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. - You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. - Your knees buckle and your belt won't. - You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. - After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat. - Dialing long distance wears you out. - You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer. - You just can't stand people who are intolerant. - The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. - You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. - Your back goes out more often than you do. - A fortune teller offers to read your face. - Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. - The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. - You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. - You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. -from gevans@onramp.net ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 12:16:33 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Shot in the dark? Two sportmen were hunting in the woods. While crossing a barbed wire fence, one hunter got the trigger of his shotgun caught and it fired hitting him in the crotch. Seeing his penis was bleeding profusely from several wounds, his buddy said he'd better get him over to his brother's house as soon as possible. Hurting badly, the hunter asked, "Is your brother a good surgeon?" "No, he's a piccolo player and he'll teach you how to 'finger' yourself so you won't pee all over everything." -Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 14:26:46 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Cultural diffs 2 more differences in english expressions between UK and North America: In UK, "to knock one up" means to knock on their door to wake them up. In Canada it means to get someone prengant. I had fun with that on while visiting UK with some Canadian friends I told a young lady we would come by in the norning to knock her up. Too bad I can't portray the looks on their faces across the Net. In UK "up yours" is a drinking toast, I guess it is short for "up your glass". Here, "up yours" is an insult, usually accompanied by a raised middle finger, and means you should insert something up your you-know-what. You can have lots of fun with that one, but please be careful! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 16:24:02 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: David Brinkley early TV news goof-up Early TV news (late 1940's - early 1950's) was highly experimental, broadcast "live," and plagued with unforeseen on-the-air foul-ups. David Brinkley writes in his new autobiography, "David Brinkley - A Memoir," of a particular incident he endured in the pre-Huntley days - one of those things you can laugh at later, but seems like a nightmare when it's happening. (Printed without permission:) "One of Brinkley's first regularly-scheduled NBC TV news reports was five minutes of air time at 6:00 p.m. filled with scraps of film gathered during the day by a single cameraman, George Johnson, a nice young man totally inexperienced and untrained in journalism, working with a handheld, spring-wound silent-film camera, a Bell and Howell Filmo, wandering alone around Washington during the day looking for something, anything, to put on the air that night Whatever he brought in was broadcast while I sat in a tiny studio out of sight of the audience looking at a television screen and narrating film I had never seen before. Rehearsals? There were't any. While the film ran, I talked behind it, an engineer somewhere else in the building played background music from a phonograph record. Background music? Yes, we still thought we were doing newsreels and they always had music, didn't they? Yes, of course. Predictably, this messy procedure brought to the screen some perfectly terrible programs. This was the worst: One day, George Johnson brought in four small film stories. When they were spliced together, the first in line was a funeral of a departed dignitary in Arlington cemetery. The second and third stories I have forgotten. The fourth was about some kind of experiment with sheep at an Agriculture Department station in nearby Maryland. The film was delivered to the control room to be threaded into the projector. It was threaded in, but backward. Nobody noticed. At 6:00 p.m., the projector started, and somewhere down the hall an engineer started the music. What went out on the air was sonorous, funereal music suitable for a burial in Arlington while on the screen was a picture of a sheep upside down. I sat, stunned and confused, in the little studio looking at and listening to this mess and wondering what in God's name I could do or say. Nothing, as it turned out. Looking at an upside-down sheep I could do or say nothing but keep quiet and let it run out to the finish. But others said it for me. For years after, people on the streets and in elevators asked me, 'You ever get that sheep back on its feet?'" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 17:05:50 -0500 From: Doug McNees Subject: Balls (Strictly adult theme!) Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement. Now, to the match. The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending. Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 15:50:03 MST7MDT From: Scott De Mann Subject: Are you addicted to e-mail? 15 SYMPTOMS OF INTERNET DEPENDANCY: (join us in the war on internet addiction, just say NO!!!) 1. How many times have you checked your e-mail today? 2. How often do you wonder who's written you on e-mail? 3. How often do you ask other people to use their terminals to check your e-mail? 4. How often do you ask people to send you e-mail? 5. How often do you send e-mail to someone who lives right next door to you? or is in the same room as you? someone you see everyday? 6. Do you search your addressbook for someone new to e-mail that you barely know or don't know at all? 7. Do you get more excited when someone e-mails you, rather than writing a letter or calling by phone? 8. Have you ever e-mailed someone you don't know, and have never even seen before, just to make some smart-ass comment and see if you get a response? 9. Do you spend Friday or Saturday nights in front of your computer screen on e-mail or the Internet? 10. Do you call people just to get their e-mail address, and then hang-up, only to e-mail them immediately afterwards. 11. Do you have other people e-mail people you've e-mailed just to encourage them to get off their asses and e-mail you back 12. Do you write senseless things on e-mail late at night or in the day and send them to friends just for the Hell of it? 13. Do you call people just to tell them you e-mailed them, and then hang-up so they can read their e-mail, and hopefully respond? 14. Does e-mail and the Internet distract you from obligations and time spent with loved ones? 15. Do you find yourself sitting in front of the screen wondering what new, screwed-up types of things you can put on the Internet (i.e.; pictures out of words and punctuation marks, or smart-ass quizzes like this?) If you answered yes to any of these problems, get your ass away from the computer screen and take a long walk!!! You're pathetic You have a serious problem with this whole e-mail thing, and are addicted to modern technology, having your mind, and voice sucked out of you. Do you even interact with people anymore? Be careful, stopping cold turkey can be very dangerous-serious withdrawls can occur, leaving a person twitching, and typing into thin air, senselessly mumbling addresses and passwords that have been changed. Please go see someone about this problem. Addiction to the Internet is serious, and can be as threstening as alcohol or drug addiction. If you or someone you know has an Internet dependancy, please contact some professionals at e-mail: we'reallscrewedup@internet.isbad.andweneed.2getalife ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 19:01:43 -0500 From: Harold Browning Subject: SAVOIR-FAIRE (mild; suggestive) An American couple was traveling in France. They made adequate preparations for their trip, including learning many French phrases. While there, they had a difference of opinion about the word "savoir-faire". To settle the disagreement, they approached three teen-agers for clarification. In Franglais, fractured English, they tried. The first fellow said, "Let me use an example to explain. The husband comes home, goes into the bedroom and finds his wife in bed with a man. 'I'm sorry', he says and leaves the bedroom. ZAT is 'savoir-faire" . The other two fellows are yelling, "no, no". The second one takes over the explanation, saying "In your example, when the husband walks into the bedroom, he says, 'I'm sorry, PLEASE go on' and he leaves. Now, ZAT is 'savoir-faire' ". The third fellow is saying " NO, NO, NO. Let me tell what is 'savoir-faire " . He continues - " using the very same situation, the husband says,' I'm so sorry, PLEASE go on' and he leaves. NOW, if the man is able to CONTINUE - ZAT is 'savoir-faire' ". ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 23:05:20 -0800 From: Charles Hightower Subject: Letter to Home Office How s life? I have to say things have improved in San Diego since I arrived on Sunday. Of course, that s only because Sunday was a long travel day, capped of by a blazing finish. I arrive at the hotel and discover I ve been saved a room facing the interstate -- cars roaring past, horns blaring. No problem -- I m too tired to pay much attention. I decide to take a shower to relax some. Spend twenty minutes standing in the tub, waiting for the water to creep up to a comfortable temperature. It must have gotten hotter than I realized, because by the time I finished, the bathroom was filled with steam. I open the bathroom door, steam curling out around the edges. Now, did I mention there s a smoke alarm immediately outside the bathroom door? Mounted on the ceiling, it stands ready to warn me of impending danger from fire and smoke. And water vapor. The smoke alarm detects the presence of the always dangerous shower steam and begins blaring, eventually leading to my nomination as most favorite hotel guest... but that s another story. So now I m fanning the alarm & throwing whatever is handy in its direction -- socks, bedspreads. Next thing I know, a representative from hotel security is pounding on my door. What could HE want at this hour? It turns out he s become aware of my problem, and is interested in silencing the alarm before the local volunteer fire department arrives to hose down my room. With a really well-aimed shot with a pillow (I applauded his marksmanship), he clipped the angry buzzer and it silenced, leaving my ears ringing in its memory. By now, a small crowd had assembled outside my door, the people in various stages of undress -- which reminds me -- where exactly do you buy boxer shorts covered in pictures of country-western singers? Although I offered door prizes of baby soap and tissues, the spectators quickly lost interest and went back to their rooms; the security guard to his rounds. Since then, life has improved immensely. I ve moved to the side of the hotel facing away from the interstate, and my new room has one of those high-security doorlocks. You know, the kind that takes two hands and a foot to angle the door so the key will turn in the lock. And in this room, the shower doesn t set off the alarm. Though I do sort of miss the excitement. Charles ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 23:35:33 -0500 From: "EITAN E. ISRAELI" Subject: Algebra at Eden Q: How many apples have been eaten in the Garden of Eden? A: Eleven (11): Eve ate (8) Adam too (2) and the devil won (1) --- 11 ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1996 to 2 Jan 1996 **********************************************