HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 1996 to 3 Jan 1996 There are 13 messages totalling 447 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Expanded version 2. Humor: WANTED! 3. Nominee for Darwin Award 1996 4. The Chain Letter of St. Paul (religion) 5. My lips are sealed. 6. Friends 7. Political (Off. to Congressmen!) 8. Taxation 9. Growing pains 3 10. In the beginning 11. Los Angeles 12. Because I Said No 13. Assorted Humor ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 10:47:03 +0530 From: Sanjay Sahay Subject: Expanded version The international carrier of pakistan (PIA) and India (AI) sometimes back were plagued by crashes and bad services. So some gentlemen expanded their short names. PIA : Please inform Allah. AI : Already informed. Read in "Times of India" some years back ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 07:35:33 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: WANTED! A reward of 5,000 MICROFARADS is offered for information leading to the arrest of hop-a-long CAPACITY. This UNRECTIFIED criminal escaped from a WESTON PRIMARY CELL in COLOUMBus,Ohio where he had been clapped in IONS. He is CHARGED with the INDUCTION of an 18 TURN COIL named MILLIE HENRY, who was found CHOKED and is a POTENTIAL killer. He is also accused of driving a D.C. MOTOR over the WHEATSTONE BRIDGE and refusing to let the BAND PASS. the ELECTROMOTIVE FORCE spent the night searching for him in a MAGNETIC FIELD where he had gone to EARTH. They had no success and now believe that he has returned OHM via a SHORT CIRCUIT. He was last seen with a friend EDDY CURRENT, riding a KILOCYCLE. EDDY was playing a HARMONIC. MHO information will be forth coming. The CHARGES of assault and BATTERY against him are filed under the OHMS LAW. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 07:28:00 PST From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: Nominee for Darwin Award 1996 The Darwin Award is given for the person who did the gene pool the greatest service by killing themselves before they (hopefully) reproduced. An example of a previous winner of the award is the Kansas University student who was killed when he pulled a coke machine onto himself. News item (received via the India News network) Heading: Tiger kills drunken youth in Calcutta Zoo NEW DELHI, Jan 1 (Reuter) - A tiger in India's Calcutta Zoo killed a drunken youth who tried to place a garland on it on Monday, domestic news agencies reported. The United News of India (UNI) said Prakash Tewari had been "literally chewed up." His friend Suresh Roy, who was also inebriated, had been badly injured and had little chance of survival, it said. UNI said the incident was the result of a wager on whether the tiger could be garlanded. The youths entered the fenced enclosure holding the Royal Bengal Tiger using a ladder, the Press Trust of India (PTI) said. A crowd who witnessed the incident fled for the zoo's exit in panic, PTI said. Calcutta is close to the Sunderbans delta, the natural habitat of the endangered Royal Bengal Tiger. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 12:48:39 -0500 From: Nathan D Richards Subject: The Chain Letter of St. Paul (religion) THE CHAIN LETTER OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians WITH CHARITY ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter-- providing you in turn send it on. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the gentiles or superstituous peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. While visiting the Household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth. Do note the following: Crispius had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing. In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth. St. Paul ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 14:16:44 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: My lips are sealed. The gold the Spaniards had stolen from the Incas was stored in a hidden cache. It was the misfortune of one Spaniard to be taken prisoner by the Incas. They couldn't speak Spanish and he couldn't speak the Inca language so an interpreter was brought in. The Incas demanded to know where the gold was hidden and promised the prisoner would be tortured if he refused to cooperate. The Spaniard told the interpreter to tell them he was loyal to the Queen of Spain and no amount of torture could make him tell where the gold was hidden. The Incas thrust his feet into a fire, he fainted and was revived with a bucket of water but he still refused to reveal where the gold was hidden. The Incas told him he would be hanged by the neck until dead if he didn't talk. Again, he repeated he was loyal to the Queen of Spain, no amount of torture could make him tell where the gold was hidden & was promptly hanged until he was unconscious. He was again revived and the interpreter told him the Incas said he would have one arm and leg tied to a horse, the other arm and leg would be tied to a tree and the horse would be sent galloping off into the distance. With his feet burnt to a frazzle, and his neck stretched to where he could hardly speak, the prospect of suffering further torture by being split down the middle was more than the Spaniard could endure. He croaked to the interpreter, "The gold is hidden under the big oak tree at the nearby crossroads." The interpreter turned to the Incas and said, "He says he is loyal to the Queen of Spain and no amount of torture can make him tell where the gold is hidden." -Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 13:01:38 MST7MDT From: Scott De Mann Subject: Friends 1. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 2. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. 3. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 4. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. 5. Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time. 6. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. 7. All generalizations are false, including this one. 8. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. 9. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 10. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 11. Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else. 12. Two is not equal to three -- not even for larger values of two. 13. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. 14. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 15. A good scapegoat is hard to find. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 15:34:40 -0500 From: Doug McNees Subject: Political (Off. to Congressmen!) Government Shutdown "Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves. They cared not a whit what the public might think "Let them eat cake," some said with a wink. And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose, they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!" They scoffed at the thought that we might object, to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent. They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more -- bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three of four!) Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff, celebrity status - (they've sure got it tough!), Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street, as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet. If all workers decided what they were due, they'd be getting those fat paychecks too! But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small, and one out of 20 has no job at all, our millionaire Congress decides on the budget land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say. In this season for giving, our Congress is taking. We've had it with them and our backs are breaking. With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets, we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets! Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy - dare anyone say our Congress is greedy? If in this feeling I'm not alone, take up your pen or pick up your phone. As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, let the road of your anger mount to the sky. Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset let your congressman know that you won't forget!@ When election times comes - and certain it will - you're voting him out for passing that bill. More rapid than eagles, their elections assured they toasted each other and laughed at the herd. And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand, "Merry Christmas to us, and the public (and Federal workers) be damned! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 15:43:12 -0500 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Taxation Taxation: the process by which money is collected from the people to pay the salaries of the people who do the collecting. The surplus is used to pay the salaries of the persons the people elect to decide how much shall be collected from them. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 15:51:11 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Growing pains 3 PRIAPISM: Just hold that thought! PRIAPUS: What a prick! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 15:14:25 -0600 From: Chuck Anderson Subject: In the beginning In the Beginning there was the Plan... and then came the Assumptions, and the assumptions were without form and the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness was upon the face of the Workers and they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." and the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of Dung and none may abide the odor thereof." and the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." and the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." and the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." and the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful." and the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and in these areas in particular." and the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good; and the Plan became Policy. This is how shit happens! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 19:11:16 -0500 From: Jerry Cole Subject: Los Angeles I got a ticket for speeding while I was visiting Los Angeles. Luckily my lawyer was able to get the the charges reduced to murder. Good news and bad news. The good news is that they found Hitler. The bad news is that the trial is going to be held in Los Angeles. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 19:50:55 EST From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: Because I Said No A. Sager's dialogue between parent and child reminds me of teaching: "Can I spend the night at Emily's? "No." "Why not?" "Because it's a school night." "But I can go to school with her tomorrow." "No. You'll be up late." "We'll go to bed early." "No. You always stay up late with Emily." "Why not? I promise we'll go to bed early!" "No." "Why not?" "Because it's a school night." "But what if we promise to go to bed early?" "No." "Why not?" "BECAUSE I SAID NO!" Follow with me now a similar conversation between student and prof: "Can you tell me why I got a B?" "Yes" "Well??" "You need to come to my office and I'll show you all your grades." "But I need an A." "Why?" "I need a 3.5 for grad school." "That must mean you got B's in at least two other classes. Right?" "Well... yes, but I was counting on an A from you." "Why?" At this point, the real answer is one of the following: 1. I heard you were a pushover. 2. This class is meant for sixth graders. 3. Just gimme the damned A. 4. I never expected a class in ----- to be *hard.* But, the student's response is usually: "I wanted to drop the class, but I need it for my degree, and I hoped it would bring up my average, because my poor deaf mother is counting on my six-figure attorney income to pay for her cobalt treatments, and my little brother's in prison for trying to steal enough to pay for this outrageous tuition so I can take these crummy courses that I'll never use in a million years..." and so on. To prevent this waste of oxygen, the prof uses his equivalent of "because I said so." : 1. I gave you a B?? You were lucky to pass. 2. You're too lazy for an A. 3. You're too stupid for an A. 4. You're too ugly for an A. 5. I gave all my A's out last term. 6. Your name again? 7. Your check bounced. 8. Are you sure you were in my class? 9. The dean will love to hear about this. 10. Don't worry, your A is in the bag. The bag is in an unmarked locker in the Brussels airport. Students - if you're really smart, *never* ask a prof why you got the grade. Remember, if you ever have to take another class from her or anyone she talks to, they'll know you before you go to your first class. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jan 1996 23:42:43 UT From: "D. S. Paull" Subject: Assorted Humor -Fashion: Something that goes in one year and out the other. -Creative marketing: A company that owns 15 donut shops and 4 weight loss clinics. -A house divided is a split level. -The modern woman may not know about baking bread, but she sure knows about making dough. -A new tie often attracts the soup of the day. -Pretzel makers are a twisted bunch. -The trouble with life is that it's so daily. -Words of wisdom: Don't start vast projects with half-vastideas. -A chip on the shoulder means wood further up. -A person who helps row is too busy to rock the boat. -I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once. -People who cough never go to the doctors... they go to banquets, to concerts, to church... -A man couldn't enter a fancy club without a tie, so he used jumper cables from his car for a tie. The doorman said, "Well, I guess you can come in, but you better not start anything." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 1996 to 3 Jan 1996 **********************************************