HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1996 to 4 Jan 1996 There are 15 messages totalling 548 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Brain Damage Quiz 2. Quotes part 8 of 88 3. Height - VI 4. Republican poem about FDR 5. Humor: Stand Up! 6. Bobbitt...Would you believe? 7. Baseball Rules Revised 8. Sister Mary's Original Cure (religion) 9. Bob & Doug McKenzie's 12 Days of Christmas? 10. Son of redneck 11. "Where Was George?" (poss. off. to Ted Kennedy fans) 12. Department of Redundancy Dept. 13. 3 Chances 14. Death of a Redneck-not offensive 15. Reasons not to wear shoes ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Jan 1996 19:39:15 -0800 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Brain Damage Quiz BRAIN DAMAGE QUIZ Following is a quiz. Please answer all questions honestly, and to the best of your ability, or your answers may not be honest, or to the best of your ability. 1. t/f People tell me one thing one day and out the other. 2. t/f I can't unclasp my hands. 3. t/f I can wear my shirts as pants. 4. t/f I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today. 5. t/f At parties, I like to sit by myself and collect a great deal of saliva. 6. t/f I often mistake my hands for food. 7. t/f I'd rather eat soap than little stones. 8. t/f I never liked room temperature. 9. t/f I line my pockets with hot cheese. 10. t/f My throat is closer than it seems. 11. t/f I am annoyed by the taste of my teeth. 12. t/f Sometimes I feel compelled to count the freckles on my arms over and over until I lose control of my bladder. 13. t/f Most things are better eaten than forgotten. 14. t/f Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. 15. t/f My patio is covered with killer frost. 16. t/f I've lost all sensation in my shirt. 17. t/f I try to swallow at least three times a day. 18. t/f My best friend is a social worker. 19. t/f I've always known when to close my eyes. 20. t/f My squirrels don't know where I am tonight. 21. t/f Little can be said for Luxembourg. 22. t/f No napkin is sanitary enough for me. 23. t/f I walk this way because I have to. 24. t/f Walls impede my progress. 25. t/f I can't find my marmots. 26. t/f I like mechanics magazines, but I would rather fondle a marine. 27. t/f My uncle is as stupid as paste. 28. t/f I can pet animals by the mouthful. 29. t/f My toes are numbered. 30. t/f Man's reach should exceed his overbite. 31. t/f People tell me I'm deaf. 32. t/f My beaver won't go near the water. 33. t/f I can find my ears, but I have to look for them. 34. t/f I don't like any of my loved ones. 35. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something before. 36. t/f Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something before. 37. t/f A good friend should stick to the ceiling when the going gets rough. Please repeat the quiz, reversing your answers until they are all correct. If any still remain wrong, please change them. Do not look at anyone else's paper, you are being monitored. -Thanks to Claudia Heyman and Jokemaster ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 09:03:18 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: Quotes part 8 of 88 #"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." -- T. Edison #Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs. #Reality is for people who can't cope with fantasy. #Reality is for people who can't cope with science fiction. #The way to a man's heart is through his veins. #Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. #Rule 1: The boss is always right. Rule 2: When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. #Cynicism: the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. --Russell Lynes #If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. --Abigail Van Buren #After all is said and done, sit down. --Bill Copeland #Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity. #A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well simpliy because it was selling well. --Daniel Boorstin #Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. --Tallulak Bankhead #It takes a long time to understand nothing. --Edward Dahlberg #He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. --M C Escher #I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it. --W. C. Fields #The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. #How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else. --R. Buckminster Fuller #Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. #The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. --Robert Frost #Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the cost becomes prohibitive. --William Buckley. #No man is rich enough to buy back his past. --Oscar Wilde #I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. --Tom Stoppard #The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant. --Richard Cecil #You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must forge one for yourself. --James Froude. #Diplomacy: the art of restraining power. --Henry Kissinger #The buck stops with the guy who signs the cheques. --Rupert Murdoch #Strong reasons make strong actions. --Shakespear ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 14:40:58 +0530 From: Sanjay Sahay Subject: Height - VI Q: What is the height of innocence ? A: A teenage girl using pimple removing cream on her nipples. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 08:30:11 EST From: Bill Subject: Republican poem about FDR This is a classic bit of political humor about Frank Roosevelt (the only American President to be elected four times). He was loved by many and hated by the Republicans and Dixiecrats (like Strom Thurmond). There is a lot of bitterness in this poem. - - - - - - - - - - A stranger stood at the gates of hell. And the Devil himself had answered the bell. He looked him over head to toe. And he said,"My friend,I'd like to know What you have done in your line of sin "To entitle you to come within?" Then Franklin D. with usual guile, Stepped forth and flashedhis toothy smile; "When I took charge in thirty-three A nation's faith was mine",said he. I promised this and I promised that. And I calmed them down with a fireside chat. I spent their money on fishing trips. And I fished from the decks of their battleships. I gave them jobs on the W.P.A., then raised the taxes and took it away. I raised their wages and closed their shops. I killed their pigs and burned their crops. I double-crossed both young and old, and still the fools my praises sung. I brought back beer, and what do you think? I taxed it so high that they couldn't drink. I furnished money with Government loans, when they missed a payment I took their homes. When I wanted to punish them you know, I put my wife on the radio. I paid them to let their farms lie still, and imported food stuffs from Brazil. I curtailed crops when I felt real mean, and slipped in corn from the Argentine. When they'd start to worry, stew or fret, I'd get them to chanting the alphabet. With the A.A.A. and the N.L.B., the P.W.A. and the C.C.C., with these many units I got their goats, And Still I crammed it down their throats, With my workers with the speed of snails, While the tax-payers chewed their fingernails. When the organizers needed dough I closed up the plants for the C.I.O. I ruined jobs and I ruined health, And I put the screws on the rich man's wealth. And some who couldn't stand the gaff, Would call on me and how I'd laugh. When they got too strong in certain things, I'd pack and head for the old Warm Springs; I ruined their country, their homes, and then I placed the blame on the "Nine Old Men". Now Franklin talked both long and hard' And the Devil stood and his head was bowed. At last he said, "Let's Make it clear' You'll have to move, you can't stay here. For once you mingle with this mob I'll have to hunt myself a job." --Author Unknown ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 08:14:27 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Stand Up! A pastor was getting increasingly annoyed with a man in the congregation who fell asleep each week during the sermon. He tried everything he could think of, but the man still kept falling asleep. One day, he got an idea. When Sunday came around he was preaching on heaven and hell. When he determined that the man was sound asleep he quietly said to the congregation, "You have a choice: All those who want to go to heaven quietly stand." To which the entire congregation (minus Mr. Sleepy) stood. "Fine," said the preacher, "you may be seated now." They sat. Then he continued, "Everyone who is going to hell, *STAND UP*!!!" to which the sleeper awoke and immediately stood. He then looked around at the congregation who were all looking at him, turned to the preacher and said, "Well, preacher, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 10:47:51 -0500 From: Nathan Richards Subject: Bobbitt...Would you believe? I heard on the radio this morning that John Wayne Bobbitt is trying to get back together with Lorena. There's just one question... CAN'T HE TAKE A HINT!!! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 10:51:35 -0500 From: Nathan Richards Subject: Baseball Rules Revised Newly Revised Guide to the Bases -------------------------------- Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to second base!")? Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly Revised Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days: --First Base: This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not. --Second Base: This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact. --Third Base: Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. --Home Run: This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew! Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado... ------------------------------------------------------------------- --The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases --On Deck- Having plans for a date --Strike-Out- Duh!! --Walk- Kissing --Bunt- Masturbation --Single- Tongue kissing --Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels --Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation --Inside the park home run- Oral Sex --Home Run- SEX!!! --Ground Rule Double- Would have sex, but no condom --Error- Condom breaks during sex --Banned for life for gambling- Sex without condom --Hall of Fame- Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days. --Balk- Premature ejaculation --Pine Tar- KY jelly --Relief pitcher- Vibrator --Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly --Box Seats- Waterbed --Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions --Dead Ball- Blue balls / passion cramps --Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.) --Rookie- Virgin --Minor Leagues- Under 18 --Loaded Bases- Manage a trois --Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours --Foul tip- Venereal Disease --Three up and three down- impotency --"All you"- Make the first move --Batting Glove- Sexual aide Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with our current clarity. OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her. NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time. NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 10:53:10 -0500 From: Nathan Richards Subject: Sister Mary's Original Cure (religion) Mister Mary Ketherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and she said: "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responed, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snockered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed: "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to s**t!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 12:04:51 -0500 From: Nathan Richards Subject: Bob & Doug McKenzie's 12 Days of Christmas? On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me A beer. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Two turtlenecks and a beer. (for brevity, I'll now start at the top:) Eight comic books Seven packs of smokes A six-pack of Tuborg Five golden touques Four pounds of back bacon Three french toast Two turtlenecks And a beer... in a tree. http://www.naples.net/~nfn04143/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 12:25:41 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Son of redneck YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You've ever bathed using flea and tick soap; you think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie; you have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape; your kids take a gas-siphon hose to "Show and Tell"; you've ever bought a used cap; you've ever financed a tattoo; Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming; your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass and your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. -Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 12:49:28 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: "Where Was George?" (poss. off. to Ted Kennedy fans) In his new book, "David Brinkley - A Memoir," the veteran journalist recalls this anecdote of the 1992 Democratic convention: "In 1992 Senator Ted Kennedy tried to get a litany going with the question, 'Where was George?' - referring to George Bush. He listed a series of political failures and ended each with the same shouted question, trying to get the audience to join him and shout along with him, 'Where was George?' They did join in, while the Republicans privately offered their answer, 'Dry, sober and home with his wife.'" Also, Brinkley recalls this humorous incident, probably from the 1952 or '56 Democratic concention, involving Hubert Humphrey (not likely to offend any humor-l subscribers): "Hubert Humphrey, among the cleverest of politicians, preparing for one of his big convention speeches, looked for some way, some device, some gimmick, to help him hold the delegates' attention after they had already sat through days of tedious, repetitious oratory, a three-day warm shower of sleep-induced platitudes. Most of them, by now, had simply stopped listening. Instead, they stood around in the aisles talking about farm prices, their hometown politics, how bad crime was getting to be and where they were going on vacation. This was the weary, bored audience Humphrey had to address, and he needed a way to wake them up. The plan he came up with worked, but not as he intended. He went through the script of the speech he was about to make and at each pertinent point, every few paragraphs, he wrote in "trumpets" and gave a copy of his speech, with instructions, to the bandleader up in the balcony. And so Humphrey's speech proceeded this way: "'... and, fellow Democrats, this is a promise our party will KEEP!' (pause) At this point, eight trumpets, on Humphrey's cue, blasted across the hall with a two-note sting: DA-DUMM! "'... our party offers the American people EXPERIENCE!' (pause) "DA-DUMM! "Two or three DA-DUMMs and the audience began to laugh, irritating Humphrey. He intended to stir their political hearts, not amuse them. He sent word to the bandleader to keep the trumpets quiet and to stop playing the two notes. But then each time he made an emphatic point, now the audience itself sang out, sounding like ten Mormon Tabernacle Choirs singing DA-DUMM! I doubt anyone now remembers a word he said except DA-DUMM! Humphrey was a bright, energetic, creative politician, but no one has tried that stunt again." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 14:45:04 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Department of Redundancy Dept. Today I wrote a message to a number of friends inviting them to participate in something I'm organizing. Then I said: >I have a booklet I plan to photocopy for each participant, so please RSVP. ("Please RSVP" brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department, the folks who bring you "PIN Number", "ATM Machine", "SIMM Memory", "ASCII Code", "HTTP Protocol", and "Government Bureaucracy.") During Christmas break, I went to a Chinese restaurant with a bunch of friends and one of us got this fortune cookie: "Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone." http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 13:59:00 PST From: DAN SZABO Subject: 3 Chances Back in the horse and buggy days, this young couple was on their way home. They were riding along in ther horse-drawn buggy when suddenly, the horse stopped for no reason. The guy cracked the whip on the horses rear to get him going again and says, "That's one." A little while later, the horse again stops for no reason. The guy cracks the whip on the horses rear to get him going again and says, "That's two." After a few more minutes, the horse stops again, for no reason. The guy gets out of the buggy, walks up to face the horse, and says, "That's three!!" and pulls out his gun and shoots the horse in the head. His wife, still sitting in the buggy yells, "What did you do that for!!?? Now we have to walk home!! " The guy looks up at his wife, extends his index finger, and says, "That's one." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 20:40:52 -0500 From: Jerry Cole Subject: Death of a Redneck-not offensive Q. What are the last words of a redneck? A. Hey Bubba, watch this! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jan 1996 22:29:04 -0500 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: Reasons not to wear shoes 1. Identify things on the sidewalk by texture 2. I'm FREE! 3. Stench should keep enemies away 4. If your feet freeze in the winter- you've got tasty toecicles! 5. Can get a better grip on the floor 6. If they fall off "accidentally", you could qualify for some money from the government 7. Sure, feet are hideous, but remember clogs? 8. Get in touch with nature 9. Otherwise, you'll never break the world record for longest toenails 10. Ow! My blisters. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1996 to 4 Jan 1996 **********************************************