HUMOR Digest - 4 Jan 1996 to 5 Jan 1996 There are 8 messages totalling 267 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 2. your mail 3. Humor: DOS Upon A Midnight Dreary 4. The Rules (clean, mildly off.) 5. parental notes to school secretaries 6. Fore! 7. nuts 8. witty sayings ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 07:58:12 AST From: David Babineau Subject: [Misdirected post removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 07:06:16 -0500 From: Jay Harman Subject: Re: your mail [Personal message removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 07:43:17 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: DOS Upon A Midnight Dreary Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets; Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, Then invoked the SAVE command But I got a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore." Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly I must now adopt one: Choose "Abort, Retry, Ignore." With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key-- But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore." I tried to catch the chips off-guard-- I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation Trying random combinations Still there came the incantation: Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore." There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight: A bold and blinding flash of light-- A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core. I saw the screen collapse and die Oh no -- my data base, I cried I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored But as for productivity, well I fear that IT goes straight to hell And that's the tale I have to tell Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore." -From gevans@onramp.net ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 10:03:54 -0500 From: Anine Sager Subject: The Rules (clean, mildly off.) 1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules can change without notice. 3. Males cannot know the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules. 5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong. 6. If the female *is* wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind. 9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules. 14. The male cannot diagnose PMS. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 10:05:48 EST From: Robert Loach <102666.2623@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: parental notes to school secretaries These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s. "Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33." "Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins." "Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat." "Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels." "Please excuse Joyce from jim today." "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip." "Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part." "John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach." "Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor." "My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his Gum's." "Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot." "My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him." "Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust." "Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 11:33:14 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Fore! A minister was one of a foursome of golfers. One player used profane language. Every time he missed a shot he said, "God damn it, I missed again!" The minister soon got fed up with hearing this, looked up to the heavens and silently prayed, "Lord, strike that sinner down." A bolt of lightning flashed down and struck the minster dead on the spot. A loud voice in the heavens called out, "Damn it...missed again!" -Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 15:37:00 -0600 From: Andrew Wagner Subject: nuts What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about a dollar and deer nuts are under a buck. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jan 1996 16:19:31 EST From: Vickie Arwginski Subject: witty sayings Two favorite slogan buttons: - Reality is for those who lack imagination. - I tried to drown my problems, but the little suckers learned to swim. Two favorite Postcards: - I used to have a handle on life ... but then it fell off. - (picture of 4 little piggies) There's nothing like good friends and good dirt. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jan 1996 to 5 Jan 1996 **********************************************