HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1996 to 3 Feb 1996 There are 7 messages totalling 292 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Ways To Cope With The Cold 2. Political Humor (offensive to Hillary and Chelsea) 3. Fun things to do in a mall (part 2 of 2) 4. Shopping spree. 5. Truth in Advertising 6. Wedded Bliss (off. to Poles & Aggies) 7. True story ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 00:25:56 -0500 From: Hal Tremper Subject: Ways To Cope With The Cold My sisters and I have been exchanging ways to cope with the cold The first sister started it by writing: I have devised the following rules to cope with this weather: 1. Don't think about it. 2. Don't look at the thermometer. 3. Pretend you're deaf when you hear numbers below zero. 4. Realize that it's actually beautifully sunny out. The colors, brightness, and clear skies are really gorgeous, (looking from indoors.) 5. Have someone else warm up your car for you. 6. Wear LOTS of clothes -- the more you look like a space walker, the better. It has the added advantage of letting you travel incognito. 7. Be thankful for all the things that are making you more comfortable than "back in the good ol' days" when your grandfather went through those cold winters. We have better cars, electricity, better communications systems, clothing, etc. The second sister responded: 8. Have two pair of Sorrells or moon boots. As the liner of one pair is drying, you can wear the other pair. (Somehow winter problems are surmountable when your feet are dry.) 9. Collect icicles, glue them to your walls of your living room and invite the neighbors over for an icicle melting party. 10. Wish they would invent good mittens you wouldn't have to take off whenever you need to do any work. 11. Ignore the cold, and go to all the concerts, ballgames, movies and other events -- you're sure to get a good seat because everyone else stayed home. 12. Thank God for modern cars, garages, headbolt heaters... and fathers who buy snowtires for daughters. (Thanks Dad) 13. Be gratefull that those scientific theories about global warming might be true and we'll have less of these winters in the future. I responded: 8. Start composing the wild tales you are going to tell your grandchilderen someday. 9. Laugh at the suffering of those who are too vain to wear hats because they don't want to be seen with "Hat Hair". (Missoula is full of them). 10. Make up dumb things to say like,"I guess I can leave the air conditioner off again tonight", or "Gee, it's so cold, you'd almost think it was winter", or "It's a really nice day except for the cold and the wind and the snow", etc. 11. When you see someone who is unattractive, be thankfull they are wearing so many clothes. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 08:02:33 -0500 From: Sarah Soderlund Subject: Political Humor (offensive to Hillary and Chelsea) Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 08:35:08 -0800 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Fun things to do in a mall (part 2 of 2) 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..." 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod." 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz". 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw." 36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!" 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof". 42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's." 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man." 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet. -Thanks to Adam's Humor list http://pobox.com/~humor and Jokemaster (Gary Guibor) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 11:38:33 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Shopping spree. Suffering from terrible migraine headaches, a man went to his doctor, took a series of extensive medical tests and got some really bad news. The doctor told him only castration would relieve his suffering. The headaches were so bad the patient agreed to the surgery without a moments hesitation. After the surgery, the headaches were gone but the patient was very depressed over the loss of his manhood. His doctor told him about a little tailor shop around the corner and suggested if he bought a complete new outfit, he'd be surprised at how much it would cheer him up. Walking into the shop, he told the tailor what he wanted and started to tell him his hat size. The tailor interrupted him and said, "You wear size seven and one-half hat size, fifteen thirty-three shirt size and your trousers as thirty-four waist and thirty inches inseam. " "You're exactly right," the astonished customer said, "how in the world do you do it?" "Been in the business for years. You also wear size thirty-six undershorts and size ten-medium-width shoes." "Now that's where you're wrong, I wear size thirty-four undershorts." "No way," said the tailor, "if you wear the smaller size, they'll put pressure on your testicles and give you terrible migraine headaches." -Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 13:09:17 EST From: "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Truth in Advertising I was checking the Library's log file the other day and was surprised to see that one file in the Library's Reference Room's "Legal Terms & Phrases" area had over 3 times more hits than the next most popular one. I checked and was puzzled to find it was the file containing the definition of "sexual act" -- until I realized the anomaly was created by search engines fulfilling the prurient requests submitted by net-surfing horny adolescents, tele-evangelists and Republican politicians. This was little more than a minor curiosity until I realized it could be a heaven-sent solution to every webmaster's constant quest for ways to increase a site's usage stats -- while avoiding the hard work that creating/adding actual useful content requires (besides building/copying link collections). Realizing that most people never notice the part of a web page I experimented last night and for a few hours changed one of the Library's least visited pages from "LLL's Topic Area On Antitrust Regulation" to "LLL's Topic Area On Antitrust Regulation, Really Dirty Sex, Repulsive Sexual Acts and Disgusting Porn". When I checked the log file today I discovered that the hits on the file increased from the usual 1 every 3 or 4 hours to 117 hits for the 3 hours of the change. I intend to continue this experiment using different words and phrases to determine those that give the best results and will keep the list informed. If you decide to join the experiment you should probably include a notice on the page stating something like: "All complaints about this page's lack of sexually explicit content will be immediately forwarded to the Department of Justice". I overlooked doing this and today's e-mail was overflowing with some rather peculiar and singularly offensive messages. Thanks, Jeff from the Internet mailing list NetLawyers: http://www.lectlaw.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 13:48:33 EST From: Sheldon Richman Subject: Wedded Bliss (off. to Poles & Aggies) Q: What do you call an alumna of the University of Warsaw who emigrates from Poland to the U.S. so she can marry an alumnus of Texas A&M University? A: A social climber. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Feb 1996 13:38:19 -0600 From: DCHRISTI Subject: True story My roommate is a very intelligent man, almost too intelligent, because he hasn't much in the way of common sense... Last night, I was working on the computer, and decided that I wanted to have some candles instead of the normal light... so, I got two out, lit them, and went back to work. He, meanwhile, was at a hockey game, and invited a bunch of his friends over to the house afterwards. One of his friends arrived before he did, so she went to the living room and turned on the tv. I turned on the hall lights, and went back into the office, turned up the radio a smidgen, and went back to work. My roommate arrives maybe 5 minutes later... walks into the house, looks into the office and sees the candles. Now mind you all, the computer is on, the radio is on, the tv is on, the hall lights are on... So what does he ask? "Don't we have electricity?" To think... his name isn't even Homer. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1996 to 3 Feb 1996 **********************************************