HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1996 to 6 Feb 1996 There are 15 messages totalling 414 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Dry joke 2. Say "Aaaah!" 3. Blind Dates (Part 1) 4. toothy humor 5. Dishes (adult humor) 6. Clean shave? 7. Stupid Quote of the Day!!! 8. B.O.F.H. #6 9. First words 10. Magic Johnson and NBA 11. Sneezing German Virgin 12. More Thoughts on the Cold -- This Time from Texas 13. Well, it was a lot cheaper... 14. genital pun 15. Really Bad Joke ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 11:47:26 +0530 From: Sanjay Sahay Subject: Dry joke Two chaps were high and driving the car. "Seems we are reaching the city " "How do say so ?" "The no of people colliding with our car has increased" "Then why don't you stop the car ? " "What do you mean ? You are driving the car !" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 07:56:49 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: Say "Aaaah!" Two guys were talking. One mentioned his recent, first-ever prostate exam. "The doctor bends you over his examination table and then he puts his left hand on your shoulder... no wait, it was his right hand.... [thinks for a minute]... Damn! He had BOTH hands on my shoulders." --Rob Wilkinson via rom rehu-l (religious humor) - - - - - - - - - - - A mute goes to the doctor and write him a note that he would like to learn to speak and that he would like to learn to recite the alphabet. "No problem," says the doctor. "I'll have you reciting the alphabet in just a few days. Take of all your clothes and bend over this table." The doctor exits, and as the mute bends over the table, a GREAT BIG LINE-BACKER TYPE comes in and buggers the poor guy. "AAAAAAAAAy" screams the mute. [rhymes with 'hay'.] "That's a good start," says the doctor, stepping into the room. "Come back tomorrow, and we'll work on B." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 07:36:29 +0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Blind Dates (Part 1) MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES (and other social catastrophes) 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11. Order a bucket of lard. 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 19. Drool. 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. --from dennisb@arn.net ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 09:01:35 CST6CDT From: John Olack Subject: toothy humor a recently published research paper from a prestigious mid-western dental school announces the discovery of the origin of the "toothbrush". according to the author(s), the toothbrush must have been invented in kentucky, "otherwise, it would've been called the TEETHbrush". ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 09:16:19 -0600 From: CORNHOLIO Subject: Dishes (adult humor) Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 11:40:44 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Clean shave? A woman usually prepared fresh chickens for cooking by burning their pinfeathers off over a burner on her gas range. When she replace it with a new electric one, she found it wasn't suitable for pinfeather removal. After a few moments thought, she got her husband's electric Shick razor and used it to shave the pinfeathers off. She was so pleased with the result, she wrote to the Shick Company CEO and told him about it. He wrote back and said, "As a result of your recent letter we have developed a new razor. In addition to the Men's Shick and the Women's Shick, we now have the Chicken Shick." -Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 13:13:13 EST From: Chris Dooley Subject: Stupid Quote of the Day!!! "I will now open these treasures and reveal some even more Precious treasures to your Royal Highness." --the archbishop of Uppsala, Sweeden trying to impress an English royal visitor with his knowledge of english. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 15:08:23 EST From: "Joseph A. Horvath" Subject: B.O.F.H. #6 BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6 It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings. Shit! I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone. "Hello?" I say. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!" I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a bad mood. You know what I mean. "Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie. "Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!" "Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's effects. Why last week, we had some files just disappear from a guys account while he was working on it!" "Really?" "Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?" "Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!" "Ok, what's your username..." He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head. (Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not) "How many files are in your account?" I ask "Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing" "Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files left... .cshrc and .login" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!" He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach. "What can I do?" he sniffs "Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?" "Some, but it's weeks old!" I fire up the bulk eraser. "Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account pronto so you can get some work done?" "That'd be great, but it's all at home" he whimpers. "I spose I'll just load it all in myself tonight" "Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines. Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data" "How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?" "NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!" "Yes.." "Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar activity.." "What's that?" "MAGNETS. Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar Flares hate that" "Wow! Thanks" "No worries at all..." Shit I'm good! Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia University of Waikato; Computer Services Hamilton, New Zealand ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 15:43:19 EST From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: First words A boy grows to the age of eight without uttering a sound. His parents have tried every specialist, and can find no reason for his lack of speech. One day at the dinner table, he suddenly says, "this chili tastes like SHIT." His parents are stunned! "Johnny, you can speak! WHY didn't you talk before now??" "Well, up until now, everything's been fine." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 16:09:13 -0600 From: Justin Geoghegan Subject: Magic Johnson and NBA "The NBA players are smart enough to know that you get the virus from unprotected sex, and we're not going to have any unprotected sex on the basketball court." --Golden State Warriors center Rony Seikaly on Magic Johnson's return to pro basketball --February 12, 1996 issue of NewsWeek ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 23:25:26 +0000 From: Edward Tanguay <"Edward Tanguay"@RZ.UNI-POTSDAM.DE> Subject: Sneezing German Virgin What do you say to a German virgin who sneezes? goes-IN-tight! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 14:22:33 -0500 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: More Thoughts on the Cold -- This Time from Texas "Texas style" tips on dealing with the cold. If British humor is the humor of understatement and US humor is the humor of exaggeration, Texas humor makes US humor look almost British. You have to remember that cold is relative. We had a record cold snap here...that means that for one night, it got all the way down to 7 above; the next day it only got up to 27. And we had some snow fall and last for two days. Luckily, the kids and I are still used to real winters, and didn't suffer much. I heard you really got chilly! Anyway, here's my list, Texas style. 1. Always remember: cold in Texas means its almost freezing. 2. Enjoy the snow; it only falls once every couple of years, and lasts for a couple of days at most. 3. Anticipate the beautiful summer days we'll be having... close to 100 degrees and high humidity. Fun, fun. 4. Put on your jacket, Dummy! 5. Stay at home till the snow melts; you can use a day to nap. 6. Drive during the height of the storm. The dumb Yankees seem to think it might be slippery, but all us real Texans know that if you drive fast enough, the ice doesn't have time to make the tires slide. If you drive too slow, and manage to slide, be sure to lock the brakes. That's the best way to stop the car on ice. --from Lynn & Carl Metzger ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 16:40:27 -0600 From: Kerry Vosswinkel -- User Helpline x7444 Subject: Well, it was a lot cheaper... "EVERYONE REMAIN CALM" The Denver-Rocky Mountain News reports that management at the new $5-billion Denver airport forgot to install an intercom system for the subways that trundle passengers from concourse to concourse, so when the computer controlling the subways broke down, there was no way to communicate with the trapped passengers. The city has now rectified the situation by purchasing six electronic bullhorns. (Telecommunications Policy Report 28 Jan 96) --Edupage, Feb 4 1996 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 22:25:31 -0500 From: Adina Sobo Subject: genital pun I have a new hobby -- folding genitilia for pleasure. (I'll leave it to your imagination as to whose pleasure it is.) It's called origasmi. -from Michelle Anne Steiner via rec.org.Mensa newsgroup ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Feb 1996 09:06:22 SYD From: Chris McLaren Subject: Really Bad Joke Two guys are driving along an outback road and then they drive into this small country town, driving past the local town hall they notice that there is a B&S (bachelor and spinster) ball on. Deciding that they'd like to go in and try their luck with the local ladies they parked their car a few blocks away and then had a look to see what they had in the way of formal clothes in their bags. They both manage to find a pair of half decent black pants, black shoes and a white shirt. There was a problem though as only one of the guys had brought a bow tie, be it a little beaten up it would still do. Not really having any other options they decided to try & get past the bouncers with one of the guys missing a bow tie. They went up to the door and immediately the bouncer stopped them and said "No mate you can't go in... you need a bow tie" and then told them to get lost. They then went back to the car and tried to find something that they could use a as a bow tie. After much looking they tried using a jumper lead for the car, wrapping it around the guy's neck and making a bow out of it. They then proceeded back to the hall and approached the same bouncer, this time he said "Ohh I don't know if can let you in dressed like that" The guy wearing the jumper lead as a bow tie said "Come on, I am only in town for the night and we are just looking for a good time" and then the bouncer said "OK... I'll let you in... just don't START anything" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1996 to 6 Feb 1996 **********************************************