HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1996 to 2 Mar 1996 There are 10 messages totalling 355 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Unofficial HumourDigest #004 2. AIDS reference (offensive to gays) 3. Q & A May be offensive to males 4. Revised Movie Titles 5. Shopping spree? 6. Excuses-- Excuses-- Excuses 7. Cinderella 8. Elections 9. Maybe I'm not as hungry as I thought 10. Math & Computers ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 11:40:00 PST From: Prakash N Purushotham Subject: Unofficial HumourDigest #004 Dear Friend: February 29, 1996 We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five billion dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told a lie, nor besides Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it besides Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovels, move your ass and I will lead you to the promised land." Five thousand years later, FDR said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your ass, light up a Camel, this is the promised land." This year Bill Clinton will steal your shovels, kick your ass, raise the price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally, Bill Clinton Statue Committee PS: It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A TWO-TIME LOSER A man in a bar put a $10 bill on the bar and said to the bartender, "I'll bet you this $10 I can make you cry." The bartender looked at him, at the $10, and said, "How are you going to do that?" The man said, I'll just talk to you and make you cry." The bartender said, "I'll take that bet," and put $10 beside the other man's money. The man then said, "This might take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The bartender said, "Boo who?" He realized immediately that he had been taken and watched as the man picked up the $20 and left. The bartender thought a minute and decided to get his $10 back the same way he lost it. So, when a black man walked up to the bar, the bartender put $10 on the bar and challenged the black man just as he had been challenged. The black man accepted the bet and put his $10 on the bar. The bartender then said, "This will take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The black man said, "Who be Boo?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Jesus was taking his turn at the Pearly Gates. Looking along the queue of people waiting to enter he spotted an old man who looked familiar. When the old man got to the front of the queue Jesus was sure that he recognised him. "Occupation?" said Jesus. "Carpenter." replied the old man. "Err. Did you have a son who appeared under amazing circumstances?" asked Jesus. "Why yes!" said the old man. Getting excited Jesus asked "Did your son have holes in his hands and feet?" "That's right.", said the old man, "He did." With delight Jesus exclaimed, "Father!" Puzzled the old man replied, "Pinnochio?" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 00:53:03 -0800 From: Scott Scheucher Subject: AIDS reference (offensive to gays) Did you hear Rock Hudson was fired from his job as a taxi driver? He kept getting rear ended all he time! http://www.execpc.com/~scheuche ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 09:25:22 -0500 From: Sarah Soderlund Subject: Q & A May be offensive to males Q - What do you call a woman without an asshole? A - Divorced. Q - What do men and women have in common? A - They both distrust men. Q - What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A - His wife is good at picking out clothes Q - How are men like UFOs? A - You don't know where they come from, what thier mission is, or what time they're going to take off. Q - What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? A - The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. Q - If men had PMS, what would happen? A - a. The federal government would allocate funds to study it. b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability. c. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days. d. All of the above. Q - What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A - Slow. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 11:27:46 -0600 From: "March L. Warn" Subject: Revised Movie Titles Attack of the 50-Foot (Wide) Woman Darryl Hannah stars as a young woman accidentally exposed to radioactive Twinkies, and who then begins to gain weight at an uncontrollable rate. Eventually the Army Corps of Engineers is called in to deal with her. Back (Streets) to Bataan John Wayne is an American military man forced to rely on the knowledge of a native cab driver for guidance during a landing of U.S. invasion forces. Back to the (Nude) Beach Annette and the gang return to the beach where they spent their youth only to find that it has become clothing optional. Basic Training (Pants) Bill Murray attempt to use a strange sexual fetish in an effort to get a quick discharge from the Army. Big Bad Mamma (San) Angie Dickenson is your worst nightmare - a Japanese mother with a gun and an attitude. Born (Again) in East L.A. Cheech Martin stars as a Mexican-American who finds religion in the Bario. The Boys (Club) from Brazil The South American YMCA is involved in something more sinister than after-school basketball. Charlotte's Web (Page) A talented spider goes to the Internet in an effort to save her friend from the slaughterhouse. (Toll) Call of the Wild A cocker spaniel in New Jersey runs up a large phone bill calling a 1-900 service run by pornographic Huskies in Alaska. Dead (Head) Poets Society Young boys at an exclusive finishing school discover their own inner resources when they form a club and study the lyrics of The Greatful Dead songs. Destry Rides (Sidesaddle) Again Jimmy Steart is the cross-dressing sheriff of a wild western town, and Marlene Deitrich provides his wardrobe. (Speed) Dial M for Murder A murder-for-hire gang conducts business over their cellular phones. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1996 12:50:26 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Shopping spree? A little old lady walked into a neighborhood grocery store and asked for 10 pounds of potatoes. The grocer explained he was temporarily out of potatoes but if she would come back the next day, he'd have them then. She left but returned several hours later and again asked for 10 pounds of potatoes. In an exasperated tone of voice, the grocer said, "Lady, I told you before I'm out of potatoes, come back tomorrow, I'll have them then." Several hours later the grocer looked up, she's back and she again asked for 10 pounds of potatoes. The grocer calmly handed her a pencil and a piece of paper and asked her to write down her order. She did and the grocer then said, "Now, take the pencil and scratch the 'p' out of the word potatoes." She did and the grocer then said, "Scratch the 's' out of potatoes." She was puzzled but did as he requested. To her astonishment the grocer then said, "Now, scratch the fuck out of potatoes." "My goodness," she said, "there isn't any fuck in potatoes." In a sarcastic tone of voice the grocer said, "Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you." --Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 12:50:27 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Excuses-- Excuses-- Excuses These are actual excuses given by parents of school children: 1. Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 2. Excuse Helen. She has been under the Doctor. 3. John was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 4. Please excuse Patricia from jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse Alice for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 6. Please excuse Vera. She is having problems with her ovals. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 17:10:41 -0400 From: "Mark J. Scheller" Subject: Cinderella [Forwards at the ball] Cinderella is all excited about going to the big ball. The day before the ball, she gets her period. She is REALLY gushing, and she is very upset because now she won't be able to go to the ball. Her Fairy Godmother comes to the rescue, bringing her a magic tampon. She tells Cinderella that the magic tampon will absorb anything, but she must get home by midnight because it will turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of 12. Cinderella goes to the ball and her Fairy Godmother waits for at home. Midnight comes and goes and Cinderella has not returned. 1AM & 2AM pass by and still there is no sign of Cinderella. The Fairy Godmother is frantic with worry. Finally, at 2:30AM, Cinderella comes rolling in with a big, lopsided grin on her face. Her makeup is smudged, her hair tousled, and her clothes disheveled. Her Fairy Godmother asks, with a mixture of consternation and relief: "Cinderella, where have you been?" Cinderella says: " I met this wonderful man, Peter Peter something or other..." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 17:55:28 -0500 From: John Holton Subject: Elections Before I retired after teaching for 32 years, I collected the beguiling observations of my students. With the Presidential election foremost on everyone's mind, here are some meaningful quotes. To wit: "One good value of election campaigns is they let us know what problems we should be worrying about, and if we are not worrying, why we should be worrying." "When they talk about the most promising Presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise." "Thin-skinned is good in apples but bad in candidates." "Minority parties are called third parties. There are about 30 third parties in all." "Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep talking anyway." "The campaign manager must have a smart head up his sleeve." "A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up." "It may work for other choosings, but 'eeny meeny miney moe' is not a good way for President choosings." "Being nominated means watch out unless you don't mind being elected." "Also-ran means 'goof' in the language of politics." "When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope it is talking about an election." "A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know well enough to dislike yet." "Splinter groups are things that get in bandwagons." "Political ties are just to get elected and not to wear." "The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stands for and the election is when the voters tell if they can stand for him being elected." --from Harold Dunn, "The World According To Kids" published by Spectacle Lane Press source: March/April 1996 "Going Places" magazine (from AAA) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 20:50:31 -0500 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Maybe I'm not as humgry as I thought Sign In Chinese Restaurant: All fruits and vegetables washed in water passed by our head chef. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 21:52:12 -0600 From: James Renken Subject: Math & Computers (If you understand this, you're probably a computer geek...) Q: What kind of computer is a variable in algebra? A: One of the x-terms. http://acm.cs.umn.edu/~jpr ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1996 to 2 Mar 1996 **********************************************