HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1996 to 5 Mar 1996 There are 13 messages totalling 425 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Aspirin 2. Old couple 3. The Sticky Door 4. If Dr. Seuss Had a Spelling Checker 5. Test... 6. Adam and Eve 7. Lemonade? 8. In the family way 9. Entrance Exam 10. Bali holiday 11. Redneck joke 12. Revised movie list (cont) 13. No Ears ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 08:21:25 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Aspirin A man walks into the master bedroom and says to his wife, "Here you go honey. I brought you your aspirin." "But I don't have a headache," she replies. "Gotcha!", he yelps. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 08:41:27 EST From: Allen Gordon Subject: Old couple An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have a child one more time. The wife suggested they discuss this with there doctor. The doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he has enough ammunition. He gives the old man a jar and said "Take this in that room and get me a sperm specimen." After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the couple appeared and handed the jar to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the jar and said "The jar is empty. Didn't you have any luck?" The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just could't get that lid off the jar." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 07:34:29 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: The Sticky Door A group of monks lived at a monastery with a sticky door. They used an old hand held fan, whose handle fit perfectly into a notch in the door jamb, to pry the door open. One day one of the priests reached for the fan, which was hanging by the door. He didn't know that a cockroach had climbed into the fan and was nestled up inside. When he took the fan, the frightened cockroach jumped out of the fan right into the priest's face. Reacting instinctively, the priest knocked the roach off and immediately stomped on it rather heavily, killing the roach. The moral: Don't jump out of the prying fan and into the friar. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 08:56:15 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: If Dr. Seuss Had a Spelling Checker I halve a spelling checker, it came with my pea sea. It plainly marks four my revue, mistakes I dew not sea. I've sent this message threw it, and I'm shore pleased to no It's letter perfect in its weigh; my checker tolled me sew. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 11:51:21 -0500 From: Frank Hughes Subject: Test... [Non-Humorous post deleted for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 09:39:42 -0500 From: "Dexter E. Gulledge" Subject: Adam and Eve God created Adam. After Adam saw all the animals and other creatures multiplying and enjoying the sexual game, he asked God, "Why can't I have a mate?" God thought about it and decided to create Eve. After the creation, Adam again sought God's advice. "How do we recreate?" God drew Adam aside and literally explained the facts of life to him. Adam thought it sounded great and created a nice little love nest for him and Eve behind the juniper bush. He then went and found Eve and took her to the bed he had made. After a little while, Adam's head popped out from behind the bush with another question for God. "God, what is a headache?" --Courtesy of Jamie Montgomery ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 13:24:57 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Lemonade? A young nun rushed into the Mother Superior's office and cried out, "Oh, Mother Superior, I have just been violated by the new young priest! He has had his way with me!" "Go into the kitchen and suck on a lemon for one hour." "Will that keep me from getting pregnant?" "No, but it will wipe that silly grin off your face." --Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 12:19:09 +0000 From: Mark Huth Subject: In the family way Heard from a retired Registered Nurse: It seems she was working in an emergency room when a young married couple came in for help. The husband was doubled over in pain, but wouldn't tell anyone, including the physician on duty, what was wrong. They finally convinced him to let them take an X-ray, and found that he had a large vibrator embedded deep within his rectum, too far in to allow easy removal. Well, all the nurses are trying very hard not to giggle about this (as it wouldn't be professional), when the physician, who lived in Scotland most of his life and spoke with a very cultured, business- like accent, took charge & instructed the nurses to set up a table. Continuing his matter-of-fact manner, he told the young couple that he would be able to remove the "device" and send them on their way. The RN reported that the nurses were all on the verge of giggles throughout the probing and pulling which took place to dislodge the vibrator, but the doctor never swayed from his professional bedside manner during the removal operation. However, as soon as it was successfully removed, the doctor held it up proudly for all in the room to see, and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S A BOY!" The couple left hastily without a word. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 18:38:47 -0500 From: Jennifer Rankin Subject: Entrance Exam This is my first posting to humor! The following is an entrance exam given to all football hopefuls at a certain college. - - - - - - - - - - - College Entrance Exam Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is difficult to read. 1. What language is spoken by French Canadians? 2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the first names of the Osmonds. 3. What religion is the Pope --- Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, Anglican? (ONE only). 4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second? 5. What is a silver dollar made of --- Gold, Silver, polyvinylchloride? (ONE only). 6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals. 7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses? 8. There were six kings of Britan called George, the last one being called George VI. Name the other five. 9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket? 10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for every number out of sequence.) 11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country? 12. Name the odd man out --- Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury, Jack the ripper. 13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby 1971? 14. Who built the Great Pyramid? --- Rameses II, W.B. Yeats, Wimpey, Amey Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only). 15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty? 16. At what time is News at Ten? --- 9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know. 17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to --- build a bridge, sail the ocean, lead the army or WRITE A PLAY? 18. What holiday falls on January 1st? --- Christmas, New Year, August Bank holiday, St. Patrick's Day? 19. Is a dunker a: (a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea? (b) contraceptive? (c) lorry for motorway construction? (d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball? 20. Do you understand Newton's law of gravity? (Answer YES or NO.) 21. Arrange the following words into a logical statement: BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.'S 22. What is 69 and 69 (ONE answer only): (i) 101? (ii) ten times your I.Q.? (iii) An NIHE party? (iv) All of the above five? 23. Write a prose composition on each of the following: (i) The wide-ranging knowledge of C.S. students on computers. (Maximum of two letters. Hint: WS) (ii) (From your employment possibilities) The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban environment. (iii) My favourite Lecture ( you may not refer to the other two in your answer ). (iv) What the restaraunt looks like. 24. Approximately how many questions are on this paper? (Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far). ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 09:38:04 +1000 From: Adam Goldrick Subject: Bali holiday A bloke (let's say Adam) wins half the local pub lottery and decides to spend at least some of his thirty thousand dollar windfall on a holiday. After scanning all the travel brochures he can find, he finally settles on Bali, in Indonesia. From the brochure the weather looks great, the girls seem happy and plentiful and beer IS available. He gets his passport, goes for a visa and finds, as a requirement, that he needs a series of vaccination shots. Disliking needles intensely, he nonetheless finds himself standing in the queue at the Travellers' Medical Centre and, a short time later, rubbing a very sore arm. He can't believe how many shots he has to have: typhoid, cholera, yellow fever, bubonic plague, the list goes and on. Just when he thinks that he must run the course the doctor produces a needle that is as long as his arm. "Jesus Christ," Adam exclaims, "what the bloody hell is that for?" The doctor explains that it is the innoculation against 'tarangula disease', and that 'tarangula disease' is particularly prevalent in Bali and that everyone has to have this shot. The doctor explains, further, that the symptoms of tarangula disease constitute the left testicle falling to the ground and the victim becoming tired and listless. Adam agrees that he doesn't want to contract such a loathesome affliction and subjects himself to the shot. A week later Adam is bopping around the streets of Bali, sore arm notwithstanding, having a fantastic time. The weather is great, the girls are plentiful and willing and the beer is cheap and icy cold. After one day of fun, frolic and adventure, Adam is returning to his hotel room when he hears this terrible screaming coming from the road in front of him. He makes his way towards it and comes across a man standing in the middle of the road screaming his head off. The terrible thing, for Adam, is that while this man is obviously in terrible agony the crowd are just continuing on their way ignoring him. Adam can't believe it. After a couple of minutes of watching the man, still just standing in the street screaming, he thinks he has to do something. He approaches the man and asks if him what the hell is wrong? The man looks at Adam through glazed eyes and manages to cease screaming just long enough to wheeze in halted speech, "tarangula disease..." Adam is aghast, the man continues screaming. This is far worse than what the doctor had said... Adam can't believe that the doctor had got it so wrong. Tarangula disease is obviously an agonising ailment. He thanked his lucky stars that he had that vaccination. He asks the, still screaming man, if there is anything he (Adam) can do. The man makes a huge effort, stops screaming, and pleads, "yes, please lift my foot??" Adam says "what has your foot got to do with anything?" The man replies: "I'm standing on my left testicle and I'm too bloody tired and listless to lift it myself!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 19:15:16 EST From: Robert Loach <102666.2623@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: redneck joke Q: What do you have if you have a room with 32 redneck women in it? A: A complete set of teeth. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 18:27:44 -0600 From: "March L. Warn" Subject: revised movie list (cont) The (Lion) King in Winter During the last Ice Age, a sabertooth tiger and his mate must deal with the fact that his sons are hopelessly inept, and because of that the species will soon become extinct. Lonesome Dove (Bar) Sam Shepard stars as a Good humor man in the old west. The Longest Yard (Sale) In an effort to raise money to hire better players, the Kansas City Chiefs sell off old uniforms and other souveneers of their glory days. The (War) Lord of the Flies An examination of a little-known episode in the life of Taiwan's Chang Kai Shek when, as a youngster, he was stranded on a remote island with several classmates and discovered his natural talent for leadership. The Maltese ('64) Falcon Humphrey Bogart, Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorrie are all on the trail of a vintage auto that is rumored to contain vital government information. The (Sales) Man From Snowy River A New York Met agent is transfered to a new territory in the Australian outback.The Manhatan (Housing) Project Government scientists from across the country are gathered together in a secret project to develop affordable public housing in New York. (Best) Man of LaMancha Don Quixote is finally going to marry Dulcinea, and Sancho is in the wedding party. The Man Who Shot (At) Liberty Valance Billy the Kid's cousin tries to avenge the death of the young outlaw but a severe astigmatism hampers his efforts. The Man Who Would Be King (Kong) Michael Caine makes a monkey of himself by putting on a gorilla suit and attempting to climb the Empire State Building. My Left (Over) Foot Dr. Frankenstein's latest creation finds that he comes eauipped with spare parts. A Night(Mare) in Casablanca Freddie Kruger meets the Marx Brothers in the exotic Near East. No (Quality) Time for Sergeants Andy Griffith enlists and finds that the Army does not believe in New Age philosophy. Oceans (Seven) Eleven The Rat Pack hatches a plan to rob the convience stores of Las Vegas. Of Mice and (G) Men Lenny and George are recruited by the Federal Bureau of Investigation to assist in breaking an illegal alien ring operating in the Salinas Valley. (Tired) of Human Bondage The Marquise De Sade grows weary of his perverted life style and retires to a monastery. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 20:50:09 -0500 From: Jim Michelinie Subject: No Ears Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no damn ears!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1996 to 5 Mar 1996 **********************************************