HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1996 to 2 Apr 1996 There are 29 messages totalling 928 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Answering Machine Messages Part 2/7 2. Certain ethnic joke 3. Breaking News 4. Quotes part 48 5. Adult Humor (offensive to elderly) 6. Airline humor 7. Lover's Lane (shouldn't offend anyone) 8. Dentist Visit 9. Penis for President: 10. The XO's inspection (some toilette humor)... 11. Cat Bathing as a Martial Art 12. Income Tax Deduction 13. Gobbledygook 14. Oops 15. Simple Caveman needum printer help (G) 16. Dogs from Munich 17. Golf 18. The Three Answers 19. Man's Last Night 20. Hot pants? 21. Humor Quality Control 22. Humor Quality Control 23. Male Contraceptive 24. The Rules To Bedroom Golf 25. Changed Wording 26. The Rules (May Be Offensive to Women) 27. Easter Jokes 28. Meow Mix (Gross) 29. Mad Cow Disease ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 07:23:46 +0200 From: "J.W. Frederikze" Subject: Answering Machine Messages Part 2/7 Farewell Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, remember to erase the tape. More Stuff "Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. [Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now -- he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly -- some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. Thanks for calling the Suicide botline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain... Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.... This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 00:22:14 -0800 From: "Scott J. Scheucher" Subject: Certain ethnic joke A certain ethnic man was subpoenaed to take a blood test to see if he was the father of a teenage girl's baby. He was scared to death before he took the test, but after he came out of the hospital, he was smiling and feeling very confident. "Did the test show you were the father?" one of his friends asked. "No way," the ethnic man said. "Stupid doctor took the sample from my arm." http://www.execpc.com/~scheuche ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 08:23:38 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Breaking News Apparently, after a marathon meeting by European Agricultural Ministers on how to tackle the outbreak of Mad Cow Disease (abbreviated BSE) in Britain, the European Union have solved the problem by redefining the wording in the abbreviation: BSE now stands for the "Blame Someone Else" Disease. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 08:20:57 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: Quotes part 48 #What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. #As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. --Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 #Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. #No good deed goes unpunished. --Clare Boothe Luce #You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. #Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. #Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. #As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." #Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. --Friedrich Nietzsche #You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. #You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. --Alan Perlis #Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. #A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. --Antoine de Saint-Exupery #If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. --Benjamin Disraeli #When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. --R. A. Lafferty #He who Laughs, Lasts. #No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. --Eleanor Roosevelt #Never eat more than you can lift. --Miss Piggy #Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. #A fool must now and then be right by chance. #You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. --Henrick Ibson #Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. --Ray Simard #If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. #Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. #Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. --Charlie Brown #Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." --Russell Long ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 07:54:11 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Adult Humor (offensive to elderly) An older man is married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he has a heart attack. The doctor advises him to cut out sex to prolong his life. He and his wife discuss this and deceide that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. After a few weeks, he one night deceides that life without sex isn't worth living, so he heads upstairs. He meets his wife on the staircase and tells her, "I was coming up to die" and she laughs and says, "I was coming down to kill you." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 08:08:42 EST From: Allen Gordon Subject: Airline humor During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth & swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. source: http://weber.u.washington.edu/%7Efur/text/Humor ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 08:19:13 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Lover's Lane (shouldn't offend anyone) On this particular night Officer O'Reilly was patrolling Lovers' Lane very late at night. He noticed a car rockin' and rollin' with all of the windows steamed up. The officer knocked on the window and a pretty young thing rolls it down. "What is going on in there?" he asked. "Why officer, we're just doing the Cha-Cha." He reluctantly accepts that and moves on down the lane. Suddenly, he notices another vehicle rockin' and rolling' with the windows steamed up. Again, he knocks on the window and asks what's going on. "Officer, we're just doing the Tango" explains a pretty young thing. Suspiciously, he accepts the explanation and moves on down the lane again where he notices a vehicle really ROCKIN' & ROLLIN' with the windows steamed up even more than the previous vehicles. The officer knocks on the window and shouts: "I suppose you're doing the Bossanova!" A pretty young thing rolls down the window and replies: "Why no officer. I'm doing the boss a favor." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 07:34:18 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Dentist Visit A guy is having serious problems with his teeth and finally breaks down to go see the dentist. The dentist takes a look in his mouth and says, "My God! This doesn't look good at all. Have you been eating anything out of the ordinary?" The man sheepishly replies, "Yes. I've got to admit I'm addicted to hollandaise sauce. I can't get enough! I'll have about a quart for breakfast, another quart at lunch, and a whole big bunch at dinner." "Aha!" said the dentist. "I know just the thing! We'll resurface your mouth with a metal plate. In fact, I think chrome would be best." The man asked, "Why's that?" And the dentist replied, "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" --from DaleG@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 13:44:05 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Penis for President: Tehran (Reuter) - For the past few weeks, the behind the doors discussion at many Iranian newspaper and magazine publishing outfits seems to be revolving not around political, social and economic issues, but the spelling of Bob Dole's name instead. It turns out that the proper spelling of the Republican Party's likely nominee, Dole, is exactly the same as that of the word penis in Persian. In Persian some vowel symbols are often omitted, resulting in the ambiguity. "At first it might seem funny to some people, but it's creating a serious issue for us. How can we write headlines using that word?,'' said Majid Fanni, a prepress specialist at a Tehran service bureau. Professor Hassan Khadem, a Persian literature lecturer at New York University added "It's actually not a real problem. They could write his name a couple of different ways to avoid the ambiguity. But for an exact pronunciation, well, they'd have to spell it that way.'' Fanni explained "It's not easy. In print, especially for head- lines, we don't use vowel symbols. Because of that, it can be read in that way.'' International organizations are quite familiar and cognizant of these types of issues. General Motors for example, spends over 300,000 dollars a year just researching car names to make sure they are not trade marked, as well as being acceptable in foreign countries. Ali Zarkoob, a grade school teacher in Western Tehran said "I'm sure kids will find it very funny. The humor magazines will probably go crazy over it too.'' A columnist for Tehran's Hamshahri daily who requested to remain anonymous stated "It's a real problem that no one wants to face. Think about it. What should we write if he wins? 'Clinton loses Presidency'? That's not right. 'Penis wins US Presidency' isn't exactly acceptable either.'' ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 09:24:36 -0400 From: James Bologna Subject: The XO's inspection (some toilette humor)... Remember "heads and beds" when the XO comes down to berthing and looks around with flashlight and little mirror? Ours was a real SOB, always finding that one little ghost turd way up under one of the racks, or some green stuff that has been growing on the plumbing for years, but he just noticed it this morning. So I had one guy spend all morning cleaning one toilet... I want this thing clean enough to eat off of. Then I got about a pound of peanut butter from the galley and spread it up under the lip of the bowl. The XO comes down with his mirror, finds his ghost turd in berthing and continues on into the head. He gets about half way through the inspection, and sees all this brown shit in his little mirror. He exploded. I reached in, got a finger full. "HMMM, sir, looks like one of the guys is sick." Then I smelled it. "Yessir, Petty Officer Jones has diarrhea, sir." The old man lost his cookies. He never did bring his little mirror back into our berthing compartment, either. --A Nutworks story by Greg Surratti ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 08:29:22 -0600 From: Bob Dashman Subject: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art If you've never owned a cat, this will make no sense to you at all. But if you have, and have tried to bathe the cat, this should bring back memories! ----------------------------- Cat Bathing as a Martial Art Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. * Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 09:41:11 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Income Tax Deduction The young bride needed help with her income tax, so she went to see a tax consultant. "May I deduct the cost of my birth control pills as a medical expense?" she asked blushingly. "No ma'am," he answered. "But if they don't work, you can deduct them next year." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 10:28:01 -0600 From: Brian Baresch Subject: Gobbledygook This is part of the online manual entry for the unix 'date' command. If anyone can understand it, apply to join the civil service this minute: "If you attempt to set the current date to one of the dates that the standard and alternate time zones change (for example, the date that daylight time is starting or ending), and you attempt to set the time to a time in the interval between the end of standard time and the beginning of the alternate time (or the end of the alternate time and the beginning of standard time), the results are unpredictable." Quite. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 10:30:49 -0600 From: Brian Baresch Subject: Oops [Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 09:14:54 -0800 From: "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" Subject: Simple Caveman needum printer help (G) Me caveman, simple folk. Want hook-up two printer, two computer. OOG, let me scratch on cave wall: _________ _________ | P5-90 | LPT1 | P5-60 | | Win95 |\ | Win3.1| | | \ | | --------- \ ----|---- | ? | \ | LPT1 to 1284D | \ | __?_|____ \ to 1284C ____|____ | Djet | \_____________| Ljet | | 855c | | 5MP | --------- --------- Gottum 1284C, 1284D cables to Ljet HP 5MP many moons now, work like bear-bone charm. Two computers talk to HP Ljet, share-share-alike. HP Ljet 5MP like EPP, like talk to P5-90, P5-60, say "me here! me busy! me needum paper!" Then Djet 855c join home last moon, much powerful magic. Needum make P5-90 talkum to Djet too. Don't like way me change printers now... gottum shut down P5-90, change cables, reboot. Win95 stink like big pile mammoth dung, many flies, much bad wind. Me think me just add new parallel port, LPT2, on little card. But evil spirits lurk; not many IRQs, caveman afraid change soundcard IRQ from 5, for evil Win95 never saw soundcard, will kill or hurt soundcard if find out. Need LPT2 me can assign any IRQ. Me see FarPoint makum extra Parallel port card, but FarPoint say no good with evil, evil Win95. Me want EPP port, most card not EPP, or have all manner expensive junk me no want. Or maybe can use fast serial with HP 855c? Gottum extra serial port on 855c, made for funny fruit computer (Appletalk? Me never hear apple talk in all days as caveman, travel many many lands). Gottum extra unused 16550 serial on P5-90. Win95 bad, bad medicine. Stink like ground sloth with mange. MS try make like fruit computer, computer think it know what caveman want, really just do random thing it want. Me no really Caveman, me stodgy 41-year-old scientist. Me pretend be OOG so people actually read story. --Harlan W. Stockman ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 11:23:51 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Dogs from Munich Well, now. There's a small town near Munich in Germany called Pfiltzerplatz, and the town is known around the world for producing the finest stationary and paper of anywhere. You want wine, you go to France; you want big waves to surf, you go to southern California; you want good paper, you go to Pfiltzerplatz. Anyway, nearby Munich had a growing problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and were beginning to overrun the city. So the higher-ups of Munich organised a new city department to get rid of the dogs. Soon enough, they had chased all of the dogs out of the city. No one knew where they went -- they just went away. Well, a couple days after the dogs disappeared from Munich, they appeared in Pfiltzerplatz. And Pfiltzerplatz being much smaller than Munich, soon the town was totally overrun with the dogs. And so the town's mayor decided that the town should be evacuated. Everyone left the town, shutting down the paper mills due to lack of people. (The effect on the NY Stock Exchange was major, but that's a different story.) Well, a couple days later, the townsfolk were watching the town from the hills, and they saw smoke rising from the smokestacks at the paper mills. Knowing that there weren't any humans left in the town, they knew it was the dogs running the factories. And so the mayor rushed off to Munich, found Munich's mayor and announced "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 09:52:00 PST From: "Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star" Subject: Golf These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 11:46:28 -0600 From: Brian Baresch Subject: The Three Answers Engineers vs Mathematicians vs Physicists The problem is: you have a red rubber ball, and you want to know the density of the ball. You ask three professionals: a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer. Here are their answers: The mathematician is not the least bit interested in actually seeing the red rubber ball. He leans back in his chair and starts talking: "We can prove that the volume of a sphere in three- dimensional space equals 4/3 pi radius cubed. There are several very interesting ways to prove this. Now, density is simply defined as weight per unit volume, so I advise you to just go weigh the ball and divide by its volume." Then you go to the physicist. She carefully examines the ball. She tells you: "Weight is irrelevant; what you need is the mass." She determines the mass of the ball using a very sensitive beam balance, taking note of the error. Then she immerses the ball in water, getting the displacement volume; she repeats this procedure ten times, and averages the figures. Then she calculates mass divided by volume, and gives you the results along with the percentage error of measurement. Finally, you go to the engineer. On his door is a plaque citing his membership in the American Rubber Engineers Society. On his wall is his diploma; on his bookshelf is a copy of his dissertation on rubber ball engineering. You show him the red rubber ball; he glances at it briefly, then looks up the density in the Red Rubber Ball Book. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 13:08:51 -0500 From: Bari Boisvert Subject: Man's Last Night A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "you know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember. I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles... the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible neglige the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "honey" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey", he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 13:36:00 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Hot pants? After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bull fighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 14:11:42 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Humor Quality Control Have you ever noticed that the degree of vulgarity of each Humor post is nearly always directly proportional to the amount of spelling and grammatical errors it contains? ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 14:47:23 -0800 From: Robert Oshinsky Subject: Humor Quality Control The gramatical errors dont increase as the fuking vulgarity increase. That's bulshit. And what is that 'bout speling? I havn't seen much spelling erors. So I think you are just full of shet. But that is just mine opinion. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 22:08:46 GMT2 From: Master of Disaster Subject: Male Contraceptive Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men? You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp all day. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 17:00:04 -0500 From: Jason Munn Subject: The Rules To Bedroom Golf 1. Each Player shall furnish his own equipment for play... usually one club and two balls. 2. Play on course must be approved by course owner. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the legth of the shaft to prevent damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes possible until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again in the future. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention given to well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course currently being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear... just in case. 10. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 11. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particuraly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course. 12. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may become embarrassed if they find that the course is temporarily under repair. Experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, a player should be prepared to procede at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best player. 16. In some states, it is illegal for a course owner to require (or for players to offer) a greens fee in excess of the price for dinner. Course owners must be careful that play not be preposed to members of the vice squad. 17. Players are advised to think twice before considering member- ship at any given course. Additional assignments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason many players prefer to continue playing several different courses. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 22:47:25 UT From: "D. S. Paull" Subject: Changed Wording Stanley and his fiancee Georgette were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state of marriage these days. They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows. "Pastor," said Georgette, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony." "Yes, Georgette," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?" "Well," said Georgette, looking at Stanley openly, "we'd like to alter the `until death do us part' section to read, `Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 18:03:40 -0500 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: The Rules (May Be Offensive to Women) THE RULES 1. The FEMALE always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No MALE can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The FEMALE is never wrong. 6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The FEMALE can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The MALE must never change his mind without express written consent from the FEMALE. 10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether or note she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 14. If the FEMALE has PMS, all Rules are null and void. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 21:14:58 -0500 From: Hal Tremper Subject: Easter Jokes Jesus was nailed to a cross which was erected between those of two notorious criminals. The man to his right said,"Everyone knows us two are here because we are thieves and murderers, but what are you here for, brother?". Jesus answered, "littering". (All those palms). The man to his left spit on the ground and said, "Then you're no brother of ours". Then Jesus said, "And creating a nuisance." The man to his left smiled and said, "I apologize brother. For a minute there, I was afraid they put you up here just to disgrace us." - - - - - - - - - - Easter is celebrated by Christians worldwide, but Christians in Asia celebrate Easter later than the rest of us. - - - - - - - - - - Daylight savings time begins Sunday at 2 am, so the eastern Eastern time won't be eastern standard time. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 23:15:39 -0500 From: "Douglas Kalwat, Program Council Treasurer" Subject: Meow Mix (Gross) A guy goes into a restaurant and orders catfish... So, the waiter goes back into the kitchen, and soon appears with a plate. The customer starts eating, but something seems wrong... When the waiter comes by to ask if everything is okay, the patron replies: "Are you sure that this is catfish?" To this the waiter responds, "Oh... Well, I got the first part right!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Apr 1996 22:37:16 -0600 From: James Renken Subject: Mad Cow Disease According to the latest ABC news report, Mad Cow Disease is now present in some 6000 chickens. Mmm... chicken and beef casserole. Brings new meaning to "Crazy Bread". http://acm.cs.umn.edu/~jpr/index.html ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1996 to 2 Apr 1996 **********************************************