HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 1996 to 3 Apr 1996 There are 24 messages totalling 610 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Passing the Exam 2. Smiles... (not offensive) 3. Golf joke (may be offensive to gays) 4. An embarrassed State Trooper 5. Windows 95 Notice 6. White vs Balck pigs: Offensive to pigs and cows 7. Reports of Their Split Was Greatly Exaggerated... 8. Birth control pill for men 9. Don't Be a Sore Loser! 10. Answering Machine Messages Part 3/7 11. OJ Observation 12. Sanctuary for 'mad cows'?! 13. Q & A (Adult Humor) 14. Mining accident 15. Court Room testimony (not for the weak of stomach) 16. How to annoy the mentally ill 17. Things to keep in mind -- inoffensive 18. Poem of the Little old lady in Lavender... (Risque) 19. Lab Rat 20. They cancelled Easter (offensive to Christians) 21. Personal ad 22. Even ketchup can have a double meaning 23. Diarrhea (May be Offensive) 24. 200 bucks ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 06:15:00 -0500 From: 2Lt Gwen Eckman Subject: Passing the Exam A TRUE STORY (FROM DARTMOUTH) A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "*Anything*." His voice softens. "*Anything*??" *Anything*." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... *study*?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 06:52:27 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Smiles...(not offensive) Some minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set. - - - - - - - - - - - - Bigamy is having one husband/wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - - - - - - - - - - - - The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. - - - - - - - - - - - - I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better. - - - - - - - - - - - - Experience is that marvelous thing that enables all of us to recognize a mistake when we make it again, again, again... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 06:59:44 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Golf joke (may be offensive to gays) These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home- building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 06:25:08 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: An embarrassed State Trooper A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck. As they were driving along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open, exposing the rear end of the horse inside. Eventually, gastric and bowel processes completed, the horse's tail lifted and -- voila -- the woman's windshield was covered in horse stuff. Now the woman's first instinct was, of course, to turn on the windshield wipers. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the road, she heard a siren. Craning her neck out the window to steer the car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder. Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration. Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had happened to the windshield of the woman's car and she was shocked that the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her safety. "What do you want my license and registration for?" asked the woman. "You were driving erratically," replied the state trooper. Now, almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse. As she presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked, sarcastically, "I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state trooper's ball, also." The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, "Ma'am. State Troopers don't have balls!" After a momentary pause, the trooper's face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license and registration, strode back to his car and drove off. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 07:00:46 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Windows 95 Notice NOTICE The sale of Microsoft [tm] Windows '95 [tm] is conditioned upon your acceptance of the terms of the licence agreement, displayed during installation, once we already have your payment for said software product. These terms stipulate that Windows '95 may only be used in 1995. Microsoft, in co-operation with federal authorities and various key players in the computer industry, would like to emphasize and make clear that all users who are continuing to use Windows '95 in 1996 will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Federal marshals will be moving on April 1, 1996 to seize all computing equipment still operating under Windows '95 and to imprison the offending system operators. Anyone having information about persons continuing to run Windows '95 in 1996 is asked to contact the Microsoft Network or contact our snitch line at 1-800-RU-LEGIT. While we apologize for the late release of this product (only allowing for four months of legitimate Windows '95 use) we remind you that those continuing to use Win'95 in 1996 will be persecuted. Thank you for your co-operation, Bill Grates Machosoft Corporation --from eastrlng@utdallas.edu ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 14:22:57 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: White vs Balck pigs: Offensive to pigs and cows I read it somewhere on the net in connection with mad cows: AFRICAN swine fever came to Dominica by way of a ham sandwich on a Spanish airliner. It soon spread down the Artibonite River and over the border into Haiti. The epidemic swiftly killed one-third of that country's pigs. but, by late 1981, it seemed to be fizzling out. The US was taking no chances, however. It funded a programme to slaughter every pig in Haiti. To the peasants producing most of Haiti's food, the programme was devastating. Their small black pigs, which largely fended for themselves, were so critical to their economy that the same word was used for "pig" and for "bank". People hid their pigs in holes and caves, but President Duvalier's dreaded Tontons Macoutes rooted the animals out and had them shot. Even quarantined herds were exterminated. The US Agency for International Development (USAID) argued that the slaughter should be seen as less of a problem than an opportunity. By replacing the small black pigs with large white ones from the US, Haiti could become a pork exporter, and a lucky new participant in the modern agricultural economy. The new pigs grew fast, but needed as much pampering as the Duvaliers. While the peasants lived in bamboo shacks and ate only the food they grew for themselves, the white pigs needed concrete houses, showers and imported food and medicine. Pig-breeding became the preserve of big business, leaving the peasants with nothing. It is no exaggeration to say that the demise of the creole pig sped the demise of Baby Doc. President Aristide's new government began to import black pigs from other islands and distribute them to the peasants. As a result, when Aristide was overthrown the new military leaders declared that the black pigs were communist pigs, whose owners should be rounded up as subversives. The white pigs, by contrast, were capitalist pigs, and a source of national pride. By the time Aristide returned, in 1994, the peasant economy had been strangled, and much of the peasants' land had been bought up by companies growing coffee or flowers for export to America. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 09:49:07 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Reports of Their Split Was Greatly Exaggerated... Many folks hastily reading this morning's paper were under the false impression that the President's marraige was breaking up. The headline ran: "CLINTON THROWS OUT FIRST PITCH" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 10:10:33 EDT From: "William A. Reitwiesner" Subject: Birth control pill for men Have you heard about the new "morning-after" birth control pill for men? It changes his blood type! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 09:47:25 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Don't Be a Sore Loser! The baseball game was over, and the team had lost again. As the manager despondently turned away from the bench, a friend tried to comfort him. "After all old buddy, your boys are good losers." "Good?" growled the manager, "they're PERFECT!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 18:21:21 +0200 From: "J.W. Frederikze" Subject: Answering Machine Messages Part 3/7 No! No! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1... [Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.] Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing. We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and number. After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it! Don't! This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile.... I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it.. I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!! This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...} Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. [Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage -- my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn.... Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.n ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 11:05:00 -0400 From: Matt Grob Subject: Humor: OJ Observation Isn't it ironic that O.J. Simpson is now driving around in a car with license plates made by F. Lee Bailey? (F. Lee Bailey, one of the defense attorneys for acquitted wife murderer OJ Simpson, is now in jail for contempt of court) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 12:26:21 -0500 From: Joydeep Mitra Subject: Sanctuary for 'mad cows'?! Headline News (India), Apr 2,3. INDIAN SANCTUARY FOR MAD COWS? LONDON - The World Council of Hindus has offered to look after 12 million cattle affected by 'mad cow' disease which face execution in Britain, by providing them sanctuary in India. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 12:42:25 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Q & A (Adult Humor) Q - What is 6.9? A - A good time mess up by a period. Q - What do you call a girl with PMS and ESP? A - A bitch who knows it all. Q - How does a man keep a woman screaming 10 minutes after sex? A - By wiping his penis on the curtain. Q - What did the two tampons say to each other? A - Nothing - they were stuckup cunts. Q - What's the difference between like and love? A - Spit or swallow. Q - What ae the two things in the air that get a woman pregnant? A - Her legs. Q - What is the best thing to do about fallout? A - Put it back in and try shorter strokes. Q - What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A - Full. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 11:52:25 -0600 From: James Thorson Subject: Mining accident The foreman at a coal mine in Scotland falls down a tunnel. The problem is this: the workmen can hear him shouting for help, but because of the echo, it's impossible to determine which of three adjacent tunnels he's fallen down. They want to lower rescue equipment to haul him out, but, being Scotsmen, they're cheap and don't want to waste time or money going down the wrong hole. So, they try this: they take a biscuit and tie a string around it, then they lower it down each hole to see if he'll grab for it -- they'd then know which tunnel to send the rescue equipment down. But, of course this didn't work. As we all know, a trolling scone gathers no boss. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 11:53:58 -0600 From: DCHRISTI Subject: Court Room testimony (not for the weak of stomach) A couple of the other psyc grad students and I are working with some student lawyers in their trial advocacy course (where they learn how to argue a case). We are helping them pick a jury that will be beneficial to their side of the arguement. This past Monday was our first trial of the semester, and it was a brutal murder case. The accused supposedly had killed his wife, and then used a woodchipper to dispose of the body. NOTE: the woodchipper was never found, nor was the body... just a couple of her teeth One of the prosecution witnesses was the owner of a hardware store was the accussed was alleged to have bought the woodchippers (yup... bought two of those bad boys). The owner was asked by the prosecution: "If you used this type of machine to chop up a human body, would the result be the same as if you chipped up a load of wood?" "Oh, yes," he answered calmly, "only a lot wetter." The accused walked... but for other reasons... * a woodchipper is a machine that grinds tree branches and other wood products into little bits and pieces... and they would do a real number on a body ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 13:07:02 EST From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: How to annoy the mentally ill How do you annoy a person with... Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Tell him his hands are dirty. Tourettes? Ask him to curse - twice. Attention-Deficit-Disorder? After everything he says, ask "What?" Schitzophrenia? Ask, "Do you hear something?" Multiple Personalities? Always assign them three projects concurrently. Anorexia? Ask if they've put on a few pounds. Bulemia? Give them a gift of a plastic finger. Suicidal? Tell them they look "run down." Masochistic? Tell them you love their scars. Sadistic? Show them an unrelated scar on your body and ask "remember this?" General disorentation? Ask them to proofread a paper with the pages stapled in backwards order. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 12:41:39 GMT-5 From: "Joe F. Walenciak" Subject: Things to keep in mind -- inoffensive Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!" 'till you can find a rock. The beatings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 14:08:05 -0400 From: James Bologna Subject: Poem of the Little old lady in Lavender... (Risque) The Little Old Lady in Lavender Sile by Dorothy Parker I was seventy-seven, come August, I shall shortly be losing my bloom; I've experienced zephyr and raw gust And (symbolical) flood and simmom. When you come to this time of abatement, To this passing from Summer to Fall, It is manners to issue a statement As to what you got out of it all. So I'll say, though reflection unnerves me And pronouncements I dodge as I can, That I think (if my memory serves me) There was nothing more fun than a man! In my youth, when the crescent was too wan To embarrass with beams from above, By the aid of some local Don Juan I fell into the habit of love. And I learned how to kiss and be merry--an Education left better unsung. My neglect of the waters Pierian Was a scandal, when Grandma was young. Though the shabby unbalanced the splendid, And the bitter outmeasured the sweet, I should certainly do as I then did, Were I given the chance to repeat. For contrition is hollow and wrathful, And regret is not part of my plan, And I think (if my memory's faithful) There was nothing more fun than a man! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 20:53:43 UT From: "D. S. Paull" Subject: Lab Rat What did one lab rat say to the other? "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 12:54:49 -0800 From: Roger Taranto Subject: They cancelled Easter (offensive to Christians) I heard that they've cancelled Easter: they found the body. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 18:31:39 -0800 From: "Scott J. Scheucher" Subject: Personal ad An attractive young lady placed a personal advertisement in the newspaper. The ad said the following: "Young lady looking for a man who will take walks in the woods, will give hugs, and is good in bed." The next day, someone rang the doorbell at her house. She walked up to the door, opened it, and at the door was a man with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you sir?" "Yes," said the man, "I am responding to your ad in the paper." The lady looked surprised, and replied, "Well, the ad says I want someone who will take walks in the woods, and you have no legs. And, I want someone who will give me hugs, and you have no arms." The man looked discouraged, but agreed. She paused, then said, "And, I want someone who is good in bed, and I don't see how that could happen. I'm very sorry." The man then answered, "I wouldn't jump to conclusions though. How do you think I rang the doorbell?" http://www.execpc.com/~scheuche ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 16:35:00 PST From: Sidney Moskowitz Subject: Even ketchup can have a double meaning The Heinz company once ran an ad in a magazine showing a man in a restaurant being handed a bottle of ketchup for his french fries. The caption for the ad was, "He gets it downtown. Why don't you give it to him at home?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Apr 1996 22:03:33 -0500 From: EYAL Subject: Diarrhea (may be offensive) A man goes to the doctor: Q. Doctor I've got diarrhea do you think I can wash up ? A. Sure if you've got enough ! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 14:01:00 EST From: "Roland, Andrew J" Subject: 200 bucks Sulkie goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. "Hi, is Gus home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Debby, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Debby thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws $100 on the table. They sit there a while longer and Sulkie says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Debby thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Sulkie a nice long look. Sulkie thanks her and throws another $100 on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Gus and leaves. A while later Gus arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Sulkie came over." Gus thinks about this for a second and says "Yeah, he is a bit." "By the way, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Apr 1996 to 3 Apr 1996 **********************************************