HUMOR Digest - 1 May 1996 to 2 May 1996 - Special issue There are 20 messages totalling 1085 lines in this issue. Topics in this special issue: 1. Are you an asshole? (2/2) 2. Professors 3. Good/Bad/Worse {adult themes} 4. Cows 5/14 5. Cows 6/13 6. Humor: Nurses in Heaven 7. Law on the March 8. Ambitious Parrot (foul) 9. Humor ..barf 10. Oops [offensive to editors of NY Times, 1920] 11. Full Deck-isms, Part VI 12. Seniors vs. Freshmen 13. Kids Comments on Love (Part 2 of 2) 14. Seniors vs. Freshmen et. al. 15. Car Buyers... 90's Style 16. Have I Got a Deal For You!! 17. A Few Jokes (Clean) 18. Party 19. A couple of goodies (2nd may offend seniors) 20. Women's restrooms (somewhat rude) ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 01:02:06 -0500 From: CORNHOLIO Subject: Are you an asshole? (2/2) Offensive You're an asshole if... 23. If you created the spelling for "restaurant" 24. If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don't read because you don't have time 25. If you accept submissions to your home page and you then lose some of them 26. If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars while stopped at a stop light 27. If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery 28. If you beat off into the mayonnaise jar 29. If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it 30. If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether there is fog or not 31. If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one of your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block traffic 32. If you don't support your local sports teams until they start to win lots of games 33. If you then stop supporting your local sports teams as soon as they start to lose 34. If you worship movie stars and go faint when in their presence 35. If you drive drunk 36. If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've got more money than them 37. If you smoke in a non-smoking section 38. If you are some shit-for-brains-let's-regulate-everybody -and- tell-everyone-what-they-can-and-can't-do-let's-outlaw- smoking- everywhere-except-outside kind of person. 39. If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair 40. If you never return your library books 41. If you go through life thinking that everyone else is an asshole 42. If you think welfare is an occupation 43. If you take more than 10 items into the "10 items or less" express lane at the supermarket --Dipper's Japan Home Page Copyright 1996 Dipper's Japan ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 11:45:39 +0300 From: Altar Ariel Subject: Professors A very absent-minded professor entered a crowded bus, with no available seats. Suddenly a little girl raised from her seat and offered it to the professor. He was astonished and said to her: - You are a very good girl, what's your name? - My name is Eve, daddy... ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 08:00:45 -0400 From: "Mark J. Scheller" Subject: Good/Bad/Worse {adult themes} Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent. Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47. Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no." Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real. Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's thirteen. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video. Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit. Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 07:27:34 -0500 From: Ray Oswald Subject: cows 5/14 [ASCII Art removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 07:27:37 -0500 From: Ray Oswald Subject: cows 6/13 [ASCII Art removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 09:21:00 -0400 From: Matt Grob Subject: Nurses in Heaven Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occassionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven... for five days!" --from the Prairie Home Companion ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 09:45:40 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March David O. Cobb, a 59-year-old English teacher at prestigious Philips Andover Academy, has been charged with attempted molestation and 414 counts of child pornography. Cobb, who was apprehended walking with a twelve-year-old to an isolated cabin, explained to police that he was surveying the attitudes of the boy and two other children about the local education system. He was arrested before he had the chance to be alone with the boy. In Cobb's knapsack were a pumpkin mask, along with a list of payments he would make to children who engaged in various sexual activities with "the pumpkin man." The backpack also contained several hundred pornographic pictures of children. Cobb explained that this wasn't really kiddie porn, as many of the pictures were children's faces cut from a J.C. Penney catalog and pasted on pictures of adult men from a porno magazine. Cobb told the children that he was a counselor at a camp for retarded children. He later said he made that story up because otherwise, the kids might think he was a "dirty old man." Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune -------------------------------- A few days ago, we reported that lawyers for Jeffrey Dahmer's victims couldn't find a hotel that would let them auction off the cannibal-necrophiliac's belongings. The lawyers estimated that the Dahmer estate might bring $100,000. Now, a real estate developer has said that he is so disgusted with the ghoulish fascination with Dahmer's belongings that he is willing to purchase the whole lot and destroy it. The lawyers replied that he could have the estate for $1 million. Source: Boston Globe -------------------------------- Leaders of the Freemen cult announced yesterday that God has put an invisible force field around their compound that will keep their enemies out. Source: NPR ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 10:05:51 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Ambitious Parrot (foul) Did you hear about the parrot who would eat nothing but navy beans? He wanted to be a Thunderbird. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 13:35:07 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Humor ..barf [ASCII Art removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 14:20:46 -0400 From: John O'Connell Subject: Oops [offensive to editors of NY Times, 1920] A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his chair in Clark College & countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 11:30:36 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" Subject: Full Deck-isms, Part VI Needs another brain to make half-wit. Nice house, not much furniture. Nice house but nobody home. Nine pence in the shilling. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No one at the throttle. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us. Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders. Not hard-docked. Not playing with a full deck. Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game! On a scale of e to pi, that rates about a sqrt(2). Only playing with 51 cards. Only playing with the jokers. On-ramp doesn't make it to the freeway. When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether. Nothing between the stethoscopes. Not running on full thrusters. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. No wind in the her mind's windmills. Nutty as a fruitcake. Fruity as a nutcake. Off his rocker. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick. One board short of a porch On the batting end of a no-hitter. One Froot Loop shy of a bowl full. One marble shy of a full deck. (confuses lotsa people!) One shingle shy a roof. One side short of a pentagon. One star short of a solar system One step short of the attic One wave short of a shipwreck. Only uses his brain to keep his head from caving in. Overruns above 110 baud. Over the Rainbow. Paralyzed from the neck up. Parked his head and forgot where he left it. That kid reminds me of Paul Revere's ride...a little light in the belfry. (attributed to Foghorn Leghorn) Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground. Playing baseball with a rubber bat. Playing hockey with a warped puck. Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 13:36:18 -0500 From: DCHRISTI Subject: Seniors vs. Freshmen Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon. Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon. Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut. Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend. Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor." Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away. Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe... Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are. Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation. Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere. Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street. Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay. Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night Senior: Calls Domino's every other night Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex... Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class --from my girlfriend ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 13:42:48 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Kids Comments on Love (Part 2 of 2) ** Some Surefire Ways to make a Person Fall in Love with You "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6) "Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9) "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9) - - - - - - - - - - - - ** How can You Tell if Two Adults at a Restaurant are in Love? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (Bobby, age 9) "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Bart, age 9) "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." (Sarah, age 9) "See if the man has lipstick on his face." (Sandra, age 7) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." (Christine, age 9) - - - - - - - - - - - - ** What most People are Thinking when they say "I Love You" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9) "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7) - - - - - - - - - - - - ** How was Kissing Invented? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8) - - - - - - - - - - - - ** How a Person Learns to Kiss "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7) "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9) - - - - - - - - - - - - ** When is it Okay to Kiss Someone? "When they're rich." (Pam, age 7) "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ...That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7) "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6) "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8) - - - - - - - - - - - - ** How to Make Love Endure "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, age 7) "Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 16:00:00 EDT From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: Seniors vs. Freshmen et. al. you can tell a freshman by his silly, eager look. you can tell a sophomore 'cause he carries one less book. you can tell a junior by his fancy airs, and such. and you can tell a senior, but you can't tell him much! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 15:25:00 CDT From: "Bakken, Brian" Subject: Car Buyers... 90's Style What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers but imagine if they did... HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" - - - - - - - - - - - - HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to E. What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it your- self, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" - - - - - - - - - - - - HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't start!" HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!" - - - - - - - - - - - - HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 21:59:57 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Have I Got a Deal For You!! Ever wished you knew the origin of a strange phrase? Would you like to impress the great minds of the Internet with a pithy pun, but your wit is about as sharp as a bowling ball? Well, despair no longer. WordPlayEasy(tm) is here!!! Oh sure, I hear you say (because your limited vocabulary doesn't allow you to express sarcastic disbelief more pointedly). Just another resource with gigabytes of stale puns, obscure grammar and style points, and conflicting etymology information to wallow through. "NOT WordPlayEasy (tm)!" I shout. That, and "Don't end sentences with prepositions!" With the hypersimplicity of WordPlayEasy(tm), you merely type along in your usual mundane style, and our revolutionary software package displays useful words while you Type! If, for example, you type in "ro", a display would appear on your screen listing "Rollo, Ross, Rossner, Roop, ROTFL/MAO/WTIME/WFTC, rodomontade, ronion, roinous, Rock Lyrics (click here for sublistings), ..." and much, much more!! Not only that, but the display is in the helpful *BLINK* mode, so you are sure not to miss it!! But that's not all. In a separate window, the etymology of *every word you type* will also appear, with a hyperlink to The Oxford Dictionary, Webster's 2d New International, and 57 other defintive listings in its 2 million word database. The buttons on your menu bar will allow you to instantaneously look up translations of each word into several foreign languages, run instant anagrams of names and phrases, trace the origins of every popular idiom in the known world, cross-reference to all connotations of a word to allow for stunning punnery, rhyme anything - even orange. There's even a WordPlayHelp(tm) button with an online FAQ, defining such words as IDDQD, xere, and Briz, not to mention countless portmanteaus and maps of good vegetarian, single-malt restaurants in the hometowns of each WordPlayer. Don't delay!! Don't be left lurking in the WordLurch!! ("You rang?") If you order today, we'll gladly include GutterMinds Companion, version 6.9! Twist any topic to its utmost porn- potential! Make the patter at a Ladies' Aid meeting seem like a Penthouse Forum reading. You NEED this program!!! You can't Live another day without it!!! John S. didn't order WordPlayEasy(tm) and was mailbombed with a 17Mb archive file!!! Jim G. ordered WordPlayEasy(tm) and posted so proficiently and prolifically, he was named King of a clothing- opetional tropical island!!! Just $999.95!! A mere fraction of the cost of a PhD in English Literature and 27.3 times as useful!! It's Fat-Free!! Four out of five doctors recommend it to their patients who play with words!! It's guaranteed to add inches to your posts!! !!!!!!!!!!!order today!!!!!!!!!! [Not valid with any other offers. Individual results may vary. Void where prohibited. Batteries not included. Subject to international decency laws.] --from Matt Goers ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 19:53:19 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: A Few Jokes (Clean) A portly matron was approached by a seedy-looking character. "Ma'am," he said, "I haven't had a bite to eat for three days." "Gee," she said wistfully, "I wish I had your willpower." - - - - - - - - - - The hunter and his guide were terribly lost. "Hey," the hunter shouted at the guide, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!" "I am," replied the guide, "but I think we're in Vermont now." - - - - - - - - - - My father was a real boozer. He once saw a sign that said, "Drink Canada Dry," so he went up there. - - - - - - - - - - Gina's husband had just died, and Gina was beside herself with grief. Her friends tried to console her. "Gina," her closest friend said, putting her hand on the widow's shoulder, "you're still a young woman. Before long, you'll meet a nice man, in six months or so, you'll be married again." But Gina only sobbed louder. "Six months?" she cried. "What am I gonna do tonight?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 10:40:00 EST From: "Roland, Andrew J" Subject: Party Sam has been working for Telecom for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Queensland as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Queenslander standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin." "Not a problem... after 25 years in Telecom, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 21:04:30 -0400 From: Sue Tuller Subject: A couple of goodies (2nd may offend seniors) Dear This chain letter was started in the hopes of bringing relief to tired and unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you have seen, this one doesn't cost any money. Simply send a copy of this letter to 4 of your friends who are married, tired and unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and send him to the first name on the list, and add your name at the bottom of the list. Someday you will BE ON TOP! When your name comes to the top of the list, you will have received 16,487 men and some of them will be dandies!!!! Have faith in this letter and don't break the chain. One woman broke the chain, and she got her old man back; don't let this happen to you. At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received 365 men. They buried her yesterday, and it took seven undertakers 35 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs so they could close the coffin. Sincerely, A Good Friend 1. Mrs. Jenny Doe 2. Mrs. Sunny Day 1234 Martin Lane 8765 Lois Lane Kalamazoo, MO 64000 Yahoo, KY 39485 3. Mrs. Sandy Claus 4. Mrs. Barbara Bush 1225 Christmas Tree Lane 1600 Pennsylvania Ave North Pole 22002 Washington, D.C. 90909 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A couple, aged 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, " Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said," We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors office. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 23:01:54 -0400 From: David Wall Subject: Women's restrooms (somewhat rude) I'd like to call your attention to the fact that women's restrooms are too small. Go to any public place where there's a crowd of people, and look at the lines outside the restrooms. The men's line is always shorter, and moves about 20 times as fast, if there is a line at all. Men walk in, are in there for maybe 20 seconds and then walk out. Then you look at the women's room, and the line stretches halfways to Timbuktu. Women standing there crossing their legs, croqueting or reading to pass the hours until they get in there. Now, it's easy for a man to go to the restroom most of the time. After all, nine times out of ten all you have to do is pee, so you walk up to a urinal, pull that sucker out and go to it. Shake it off, shove it back in, zip up, and walk out. (Men have a saying: shake it more than three times and you're playing with it.) It's a little different for women. It isn't as prevalent as it used to be, but lots of women wear dresses. So they have to pull that thing down (making sure not to wrinkle it), sit down, pee, then pull it back up, rearrange everything, go to the mirror, check their makeup, apply a little powder or whatever it is they do, talk to a few friends who came in with them, and then leave. Total elapsed time: a minimum of 3 minutes. Part of this is because women are handicapped by their anatomy. Us guys have this handy little spigot on the front that makes it all easy. (I hear protests from some of them: "Hey, it's not that little!" Yea, OK. I lie, too.) Women just have the opening, so they can't do the fun stuff like writing their name in the snow, breaking up cigarette butts, peeing in the holes in the bottom of urinals, or seeing how far you can push the cake of deodorant that classier places put in there. Another problem: women's restrooms are apparently social clubs. Guys, how many times has your wife or girlfriend comes back after her journey to the john and said, "Guess what I just heard?" On second thought, that's not always accurate. Sometimes they come back after half an hour and won't tell us anything about what they did in there. That's because they're talking about us. Men don't talk to each other in the bathroom. You don't even look at each other. Talking and eye contact is threatening, and it's stupid to threaten someone holding his pride and joy in his hand, because when he gets it safely put away he's liable to do something damaging to your pride and joy. Of course, that's not entirely true, either. Groaning out an "Aaahh!" is permissible, or something along the lines of "Hey, how's that local sports team?" is OK. Saying how bad you had to go is OK, too. If there are significant privacy dividers, or one guy is using one of those enclosed commodes, you might carry on a conversation for for maybe ten seconds. Thirty, tops, because you're not in there long enough to say much. Let's look at what's in bathrooms. Let's say your typical public restroom for men has two urinals and a toilet. That sounds about right, doesn't it? Even if it isn't, I'm going to use it as an example. The corresponding women's restroom will have two, at most three commodes. I don't really know, because I haven't been in there, but if they're the same size as the men's, that's about all there's room for. OK, time for a little math. Typical male bathroom: two urinals and a toilet, each in use for 20 seconds. If there's a guy actually using the john for something other than taking a leak, it's because he's desperate, and isn't going home for a while and can't hold it in any longer. We'll ignore him, because it's disgusting and also because he doesn't want us to notice him. So the restroom can accomodate six men per minute, right? Well, maybe not. Some men actually wash their hands or comb their hair. But they're balanced out because of the other men who come in, squirt for a second or two and then leave. Six men per minute is about right. Now let's look at the women's restroom. We'll say it takes about a minute for women to go into the stall, do their business and get out. You see a problem already, don't you? Already the number is half that of a men's restroom. Then we add in the fact that women's clothes are designed by idiots. There's always something to tuck, fasten, put tab A in slot B (you perverts out there can shut up), and so on. Even the zipper on their jeans is backwards. How many of you guys knew that? If us men had clothes that complicated we'd say the hell with it and stay home in our underwear and watch TV all day. Then there's women's periods. On a purely statistical basis, about a fourth of them are going to have something else to do while they're in there. That takes time, too. Enough on that subject. Then we've got the makeup and other rituals. Us men can't say much about that, because women won't tell us. If they do let us in on it, they censor it so much that we might as well have not asked. But somehow or other they manage to kill another minute or two. But we're getting close to the point where the number of women a typical restroom can accomodate is approaching one per minute. Based on what we've figured out, we can say that if the restrooms are the same size, then the men's has a turnover rate of six times that of the women's. That's a pretty huge difference, don't you think? So the women's room should be at least six times as large as the men's. Maybe throw in a few couches so the ones who are (still) waiting to use the toilet can talk to the ones who are on their way out. Since they're going to be in there a while, maybe put in some plants for decor, and a stereo with some romantic music playing. Better yet, put in a TV tuned to the soap-opera channel to give them something to talk about besides us. Of course, now we've made the restroom so comfortable they'll never want to leave, and we'll still be stuck outside, waiting for them. You can't win. Copyright 1996 David K. Wall ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 May 1996 to 2 May 1996 - Special issue **************************************************************