HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1996 to 3 May 1996 There are 14 messages totalling 603 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. New help for the downsized 2. The Dark Computer 3. Full Deck-isms, Part VII 4. Sexy Blonde 5. Mad Cow Disease 6. My Birthday Gift 7. Construction Worker 8. Interesting worship ideas (not offensive) 9. What part goes to Heaven 1st? 10. The One Eyed Cat (suggestive) 11. Request For Assistance 12. Dating rules for college (contains offensive language) 13. Law on the March 14. Shoe on the other foot ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 09:46:37 -0400 From: Patrick Ash Subject: New help for the downsized Layoff Pro from Bellyup Software, Novato, ca. Customer Profile: Layoff Pro is aimed at the following group. -- Employees. Multiple Resume Formats - Layoff Pro has over 20 editable resume formats, each designed to be both eye-catching and impressive, giving new luster to the same old job experience. Popular formats include: Senior Software Engineer - Regardless of where it is printed, your resume will look like it came from a dot matrix printer. It includes acronym generator (AG), and random mis-speller (RM). Both are used to give a genuine techie feel. Technical Writer - Your qualifications and abilities are explained in words and phrases so simple even a user could understand them. Correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling guaranteed. Project Manager - Using the special thesaurus with only positive adjectives, you can turn termination into career adjustment opportunity with just the click of a key. Jargon expander algorythm makes you sound like an expert without knowing anything. Job Prospect Database - Updated quarterly to remove any companies that have had recent layoffs of their own. Cover Letter Generator - Uses our patented auto brag technology, which enables you to claim sole responsibility for any project you were even remotely involved with. Letters of Reference - Choose from Bill Gates, John Scully, Scott McNeilly, Hillary Clinton, and other heavy weights. Includes imitation letterhead. Layoff Etiquette - Layoff Pro includes an online guide to proper office behavior under the stress of layoffs, either real or impending. Topics include spotting the next layoff, exit interview do's and don'ts investment opportunities for severence pay, and inexpensive disguises for the unemployment office. Quick Erase - This feature lets you quickly and permanently erase any embarassing personal letters or game software from your hard disk, or any disk accessible through a network connection. Not to be used for any important company data. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 09:53:20 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: The Dark Computer The Dark Computer is a technological breakthrough destined to eclipse the recently announced Light computer. The Dark Computer results from years of study, research and developments in the dark. It is faster than the light computer because dark travels faster than light. (Proof: Before light gets anywhere dark is already there!) The Dark Computer uses the newly discovered subatomic particle, the dark quark. Our research has determined that two dark quarks combine to form the basic elementary particle of darkness, the offon. Three dark quarks combine to form the elementary particle of management, the moron. The Dark Computer requires very little power, so little, in fact that it is completely powered by a single lunar cell (similar to the solar cell, but more efficient in dark conditions). A complete bundled software package, developed at the Arizona University of Mimes Night School, comes with each Dark Computer. The software includes DOS (Dark Operating System), Lunar-C (a quick & dirty C compiler), Duskbase-V (an irrational database), and NADA (an object oriented programming language). Some of the special hardware features of the Dark Computer are: * Multiple shift registers for right-shift, left-shift, and night-shift. * One biggabyte of memory composed entirely of shadow RAM with fully dissociative outta cache. * Music Synthesizers with demonstration tunes such as Moonlight Sonata, Dark Eyes, and In the still of the Night (which is not a hillbilly song) * Surreal-time Clock with granularity of 28 days (known as 1 lunar tick). * A display composed of one million (1000x1000) DEDs (Dark Emitting Diodes). These are similar to LEDs (Light Emitting Diodes) in the same way that electron-flow theory resembles hole-flow theory. The MLB Dark Computer is especially useful for such applications as black hole research, dark side of the forces commutations, blindfold tests, vampire tracking, and mushroom management. Military applications include SDI, Stealth Research, and RFP generation. The Dark Computer is powerful enough to handle computations on matter, anti-matter, and doesn't matter. Don't be left in the light! Get a Dark Computer for your company and keep all your employees in the dark! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 10:14:32 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" Subject: Full Deck-isms, Part VII Playing with an unstrung racquet Plays solitaire... for cash. Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere. Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying. Fucked-up as a soup sandwich. Reading from an empty disk. Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek. Receiver is off the hook. Renewable energy source for hot air balloons. Reset line is glitching. Result of a first cousin marriage. Rides to school on a short bus. Running on empty. Runs squares around the competition. Sailboat fuel for brains. Sat under the ozone hole too long. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way. Sharp as a pin head. Sharp as a tack cloth. She was minus so many buttons ... She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem. Short a few cards. Skating on the wrong side of the ice. Skiing in Ohio. Skylight leaks a little. Slept a little too close to his radium-dial watch. Slinky's kinked. Slower than my grandma, and she's been dead for 20 years. So slow he has to speed up to stop. So slow that if he were racing the fifty yard dash with a pregnant lady he'd come in third! Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney. Some bugs in his software. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy! Someone blew out his pilot light. Someone let the air out of her lock. So stupid he could screw up a one-car funeral. Source code is missing a few lines. S p a c e d o u t . Squirrel food. Surfing in Nebraska. Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. Switch is on, but no one's receiving. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 21:55:53 +0300 From: Mohamed El-Nadi Subject: Sexy Blonde Blonde #1: I love Sex, I think I am already an addict, the only problem is that I am so afraid of getting pregnant! Blonde #2: But I thought your old husband had a vasectomy operation 20 years ago!! Blonde #1: And that is the damn problem. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 15:09:00 -0400 From: "jon (j.) bisbey" Subject: Mad Cow Disease from Elizabeth Weber Colin and I were talking over lunch about the best way to move 11 million cows from England to Cambodia. (The English have 11 million cows, some of whom might just possibly have Mad Cow disease. A Cambodian newspaper suggested that they could be put to use getting rid of the 11 million unexploded land mines in Cambodia). C-130s could fly them over in batches of about 2 dozen per plane, but that would be awfully expensive. Driving them overland from France would destroy crops, possibly transmit Mad Cow Disease, and run into Mountains, the Russian Government, etc. That seems to leave barges -- which probably wouldn't fit through Suez. It would take a month or so, and require an awful lot of grain. Any better ideas? - - - - - - - - - - From: Fred Bush Just move the Chunnel so that it connects England and Cambodia. - - - - - - - - - - From: Erik Rosolowsky Rail Gun. - - - - - - - - - - From: Alastair Thompson i would have thought it was obvious. plant the land mines in british cow-fields. (munch munch munch mooo bang! mOOOOOOOOOOoooooo) - - - - - - - - - - From: Dave Mimno No, no, no. Once again, the free market will come to our rescue. If the Cambodians really want the cows (and the british really want to get rid of them) then each Cambodian will buy one or more cows and individually make arrangements to transport it. Therefore, exactly as many cows as are needed will be transported from Britain at no cost to the British. But why stop there? Bosnia, Mozambique, Angola, and many other countries have serious problems with land mines. For this reason, the British, far from having a serious excess cow problem, have the potential to make a killing (no pun intended). Also, has anyone considered leaking rumors that American cattle have been infected by the virus? This could eliminate the problem of overgrazing on our public lands... - - - - - - - - - - From: Jeremy Dilatush I have received information that there are 747s converted to transport livestock. Whether there's enough capacity in the things to transport 11 million head, however, is unknown & seems doubtful. Of course, all our debate so far has labored under the assumption that the transport of these livestock must be by some legal means. If we don't restrict ourselves to legal means, however, a very good alternative comes to mind: smuggling. People could take airline flights from the UK to Cambodia with one or more head of cattle stuffed in their luggage. While most international airports today have an eye toward catching those who smuggle weapons and drugs on board planes, very few are too careful about large livestock. So I think a small group of dedicated people could succeed in transferring the "mooing stock" across international borders with a minimum of fuss. The main cost of this enterprise, then, would be airline tickets (which don't need to be first class since the cattle won't know the difference) and some *EXTREMELY* large suitcases. - - - - - - - - - - From: Don Lehr Why not just move the mines? They weigh much less, take up less space, and don't get air or sea-sick. Also, 11 million landmines in the British Isles could have their uses. (separating the halves of Ireland with a no-man's land, liberating Scotland and Wales via a defensive zone, keeping tabloid photographers away from the palace, making cricket a more interesting sport) - - - - - - - - - - From: Snibor Eoj (Joe Robins) Rumor has it that British scientists have been working on a "cow cannon" as a solution to this problem. This cannon, once perfected would be able to fire a single cow of weight up to half a ton (that'd be a mighty big cow!) a distance of almost 12,000 miles! This would not only solve the problem of getting the cows to Cambodia, but would even give the cows a fun ride along the way. If this project succeeds, however, Britain will be the only country in the world to own a cow cannon. We cannot afford to fall behind in the development of such vital technology. Therefore, I urge you to contact your Congressman and tell him that you want the US to develop a cow cannon as well. Help us avoid a cow cannon gap! - - - - - - - - - - From: Greg Ingber This is indeed a dangerous situation. I believe that we should strike first, before Britain has a chance to develop this weapon. I think we should fund a military invasion of Britain by Cambodia. After all, if England were to suddenly become Cambodia, the whole operation of transporting them overseas would suddenly become unnecessary. Furthermore, we should not have to worry about the Cow Cannon Gap. --from swat.org.swil Swarthmore's sci-fi/fantasy and general craziness club ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 22:36:45 +0300 From: Mohamed El-Nadi Subject: My Birthday Gift Last week I wished to purchase a gift for my girlfriend's birthday so I decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by my girlfriend's sister, I went to a department store and bought a pair of white Fur lined gloves. Her sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves while I got the panties. Without checking the contents I sealed the package and sent it to my girlfriend with the note: "Darling, This is a little birthday gift. I chose these because I noticed that you weren't in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your beautiful younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones but she wears the Sexier short ones that are very easy to remove! I know that these are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled! I even had the salesgirl try them on for me and they looked really great. I which I could be there to put them on for you for the first time; as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming years, I hope you like them and wear them for me on Friday night." All my love, P.S.: The salesgirl told me that the latest style here in Egypt is to wear them rolled down with a little fur showing, see you Friday night ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 15:39:46 -0400 From: Paul Leakas Subject: Construction Worker There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need", and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...". ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 14:52:11 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Interesting worship ideas (not offensive) It is evident that not every unusual worship idea belongs to ancient times or primitive peoples. A case in point is the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California. It was a modest farmhouse when William Winchester died in 1884. The son of the man who invented the repeating rifle, he left his wife Sarah a legacy of $20 million. Tour guides tell visitors that, soon after William's death, Sarah attended a seance where a medium gave her this strange advice: In order to appease the spirits of the thousands who had been killed by the Winchester Rifle, she must engage in nonstop construction on her home. She was assured that "as long as the sound of hammers was heard", she would not die. It worked for 38 years until she died in 1922 at the age of 82. By that time, the house had grown to 160 rooms sprawling across six acres. It is currently worth about $5 million. Now maintained as a state landmark, it is one of the more popular tourist attractions in the Golden State. http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 16:07:16 -0400 From: Greg Pomykala Subject: What part goes to Heaven 1st? During the Religious Education class, Sister Mary asked the 4th Graders. "All right class, what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first? Little Johnny is the 1st one with his hand up! "Doris", says Sister Mary," why don't you tell us what YOU think is the first part of your body that goes to Heaven!" "Well Sister Mary, I think that it is your hands because when we pray - all hands are pointing to heaven" "A very nice answer - Thank You Doris" says Sister Mary. "Who wants to go next?" says Sister Mary. Little Johnny has his hand up first again! Then Sister mary says "Michael- tell the class what part of your body goes to Heaven first". "Sister Mary, I think that it is our eyes, when we pray we look at heaven - so it must be the eyes!" "That's another nice answer - Thank You Michael" Sister Mary comments. Okay children, we only have time for one more answer. By now Little Johnny is half standing up and waving his hand high in the air. "All right Johnny, why don't you tell us what body part YOU feel goes to Heaven first. "It's definately your feet Sister. There's no doubt about it!" "Your feet Johnny? I'm afraid that you are going to have to explain THAT one! remarks Sister Mary. "Well Sister, when I walked by my Parent's bedroom, their door was open and I could see in the room real good. My Mother was laying on her back. Her feet were HIGH in the air. They were higher than her eyes and they were higher than her hands. And she was yelling 'Lord I'm a 'comin!!' And she would have too, if my Dad wasn't holding her down!!!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 16:59:41 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: The One Eyed Cat (suggestive) Bubba was sitting on the front porch with Uncle Cyrus, who was retired. Uncle Cyrus had seen his eye doctor, who told him he needed a cateract operation. He wasn't about to let the doctor cut open his eyes. "I don't need no operation, Bubba" said Cyrus. "I can see fine. See that cat coming over yonder. I can see it only has one eye." "Sorry" replyed Bubba "Your eyesight is getting real bad. That cat has two eyes. And he's not coming, he's going." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 18:13:44 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Request For Assistance Reverend Calvert Fitzgerald The Rescue Mission Winter Haven, Florida Dear Sir: Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Each year for the past fourteen years, I have made a tour of Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Tennessee, and Illinois and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking. On this tour, I have been accompanied by my young friend, Clyde Lindstrom. Clyde, a young man of good family and excellent background, is a pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and women. Clyde would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform, wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas, & making obscene gestures while I pointed him out as an example of what overindulgence can do to a person. Last Fall, however, Clyde died. A close friend of mine has given me your name, and I wonder if you would be available to go with me on my tour this year. Yours in Faith, Reverend Calvert Fitzgerald ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 18:53:49 -0400 From: gwen eckman Subject: Dating rules for college (contains offensive language) 1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny. 2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?" 3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own. 4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight. 5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition. 6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it. 7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason. 8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last. 9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. It always seems meaningless to at least one of the partners! 10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 19:55:30 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Subway killer Bernhard Goetz is moving to Boston. Goetz shot four black delinquents when they approached him on the New York City subway with a screwdriver. He probably thought they wanted to take his glasses apart. Ron Kuby, attorney for one of the wounded kids, wasted huge amounts of time obtaining a completely uncollectable $43 million judgment from the penniless geek. Goetz claims he's been offered a teaching gig in Beantown, to which Kuby replies, "I suppose he could instruct students on Applied Mayhem 101." Still, Kuby wishes Goetz financial success, as it's the only way he or his client will get paid. According to his own attorney, Goetz is coming north because "he associates the New England area with peacefulness and calm." Source: Boston Globe ------------------------------------- Boston's new transportation commissioner has such a poor driving record, he was forced to take the remedial road safety course required of the state's worst motorists. In the past seven years, Commissioner William E. Luster caused three accidents, was caught speeding five times, and was arrested twice for driving without a license. Luster's job includes oversight of Boston's traffic safety programs. Source: Boston Globe ------------------------------------- The two girls from Phillipston, MA (pop. 1200), who indirectly told Humor subscribers they were trying to see how much mail they could get on the Internet in two weeks, forgot to date their postings. They ended up with an endless supply of e-mail and eventually had to close their account. The two fifth-graders started out by sending e-mail to two people and ended up with over 50,000 responses. At one point, they went away for the weekend and found 45 mb of responses (35,000 to 40,000 postings) waiting for them. "My hard drive isn't that big!" their mother said. Responses poured in from all fifty states and came from countries all over the world. When asked what she had learned from the science project, one of the girls said, "I learned that the Internet is big." Source: New York Times ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 00:09:47 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Shoe on the other foot Having a non-european origin I face a lot of questions about my name and origin culture. Here is how an American would feel in India if faced with similar questions. Non Indian: Hi! So where are you from? Me: I'm from New Jersey. N-I: No, I mean, what's your nationality? Me: Oh, I'm an American Citizen. N-I: (flustered) I mean, what's your cultural background? Me: Ohhhhh.. I'm Indian (proudly) N-I: Oh really? What tribe? I'm part Cherokee. Me: (smirk) Oh no tribes.. I have a caste, though! (sigh) I'm Indian as in from India. N-I: Ohh.. so do you want to live here or there? Me: Well, we did buy a house here, have loans to pay off, I like my job and most of my family and friends are here. I think I might hang out here a bit. N-I: I see.. so what's the deal with the red dot??? ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 May 1996 to 3 May 1996 **********************************************