HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1996 to 4 May 1996 There are 15 messages totalling 519 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. In The News - Involves American Politics, may be offensive - 2. Engine Wear 3. Quotes part 59 4. Law on the March 5. Faries 6. Faries 7. Gross joke 8. Reasons I don't want to work here anymore 9. Song (may be offensive to some) 10. Sweatshirts 11. Fun things to do while driving 12. Hit me 13. Cousin Waldo (poss.offensive to dentists) 14. History 101 (not offensive) 1 of 3 15. Top Ten Lists ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 04:35:48 GMT From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Involves American Politics, may be offensive In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times Includes some from Leno and one from rec.humor.funny WARNING: May be offensive to looters, lawyers, Kathie Lee Gifford, Madonna, Middle Easterners, Ford Motor Corporation workers, Old Rockers, Christians, Dennis Rodman, Crash Test Dummies, Cannibals The Olympic Torch run began Saturday. Running through Los Angeles streets with a torch? Been there, done that. Now, let's see them try it with a stereo under the other arm... Kathie Lee Gifford was accused of selling clothes made by Third World children working 12 hour shifts. Of coarse, it isn't true... the inspector just happened to show up on Take Our Daughters to Work Day. A major forest fire started in New Mexico. Officials blame it on human error - some careless tourist probably started a Ford. Ford's recall affects 8.7 million cars with faulty ignition switches that could start a fire. The folks in marketing have put a positive spin on the problem - they say the switch can double as a cigarette lighter. I thought I saw the Olympic Torch go by last night - turns out it was just someone trying to start their Ford. (Leno) The Onassis auction yielded almost $30 million more than expected. The only thing that people didn't buy from the Kennedy era was the Warren Commission Report. (Leno) President Clinton began testifying about Whitewater on videotape last weekend. This is the third step in his overall campaign strategy of sex, lies and videotape. The Unabomber suspect once wrote to the Montana Health Department asking about the danger of contracting rabies from skunks - he must have know he'd be dealing with lawyers... A new weight loss drug, Redux, sends a message to the brian to suppress the appetite. Studies show that it is almost 40% as effective as finding a hair in your food. Scientists have finally discovered a gene linked to hyperactivity. Results would have come sooner, but they had a hard time getting the gene to sit still. A GOP group is asking Republicans to switch their long distance service to a phone company owned by a Christian Right group. It's not such a bad idea. They can offer features like "Call Onward." The Department of Labor is dropping its demand that Hooters restaurant hire male waiters. It was a dumb idea - what man wants to walk around in orange hot pants with a bare midriff and a skimpy halter top? Okay, besides Dennis Rodman? A new religion worships Elvis Presely. I would guess that it doesn't involve fasting. Alternative rockers are planning a benefit for the war torn Middle East. It will be called Hezbollahpalooza. Good news for Kiss fans - they announced that they will start their first world tour in fifteen years. It will be just like the good old days, which means they will be in full uniform and they will SUCK! (rec.humor.funny quoting Politically Incorrect) The city of Santa Rosa, California, is piping classical music into its downtown plaza to drive away panhandlers and transients. If it doesn't work, they will call in the Police Departments elite polka team, armed with high powered accordions. The Department of Transportation now has a pregnant crash test dummy. That's what happens when you leave two of them alone in the back seat. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 03:57:04 -0400 From: Greg Pomykala Subject: Engine Wear Car Engine Stress This is my true story. A few years after my wife and I had been married, I decided that I was going to teach her about car repairs and how to trouble-shoot a vehicle. We were driving out of state to a Mall, when I decided that now would be a good time to explain the Basics (in general terms). I talked about what to do if a tire blows at high speeds, what it means if the faster you go-the more your steering wheel shakes and I thought I was doing a great job speaking to her about engine stress and engine fatigue when as of a sudden I started hearing a pinging noise. I asked Judi "Did you hear that noise?" "No" she said "but why don't you pull over and turn off the engine?" "Why would I want to do that? I asked. "Well... we have been driving for about an hour now, and from what you have told me about Engine Wear, maybe the engine is tired!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 13:16:32 CET From: Piotrek Subject: Quotes part 59 #Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #The revolution will not be televised. #No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. #Elevators smell different to midgets #Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. --Ambrose Bierce #Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. #Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. #Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. #If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. --Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" #Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. --Ogden Nash #Did you know... That no-one ever reads these things? #UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. #The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. #"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." --Benjamin Disraeli #Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. --A. E. Housman #Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. #"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" #"One planet is all you get." #Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. #The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. #Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. --F. M. Hubbard #Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? #Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. --Salvor Hardin #Laetrile is the pits #You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. #According to my best recollection, I don't remember. --Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo #User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. #They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! #The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 10:57:59 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March More than a dozen heavily armed federal agents swarmed into the home of Paul and Patty Mueller in St. Charles, MO and held the family at gunpoint as they turned the house upside down looking for illegal weapons. After more than an hour, the ATF agents realized they had gone to the wrong address. Although a lawyer for the county insists that the agents did their jobs correctly, the Mueller's are threatening suit. The ATF has apologized for this minor oversight and will clean the Mullers' carpet. Source: AP ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 09:06:17 +0000 From: Bob Collins Subject: Faries [Mis-Directed post removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 09:34:36 +0000 From: Bob Collins Subject: Faries [Personal message removed for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 11:53:10 -0400 From: "Lloyd B. Abrams" Subject: Gross joke Two gay necrophiliacs were walking past the morgue. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, you wanna go in and suck up a couple of cold ones?" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 12:12:21 -0400 From: Jennifer Schmidt Subject: Reasons I don't want to work here anymore 1. Affairs with the CEO and CFO abrupty ended 2. It smells like rotting cabbage 3. Alcohol banned during work hours 4. I have to share my 4x4 cube with 30 other people 5. Can't play volleyball during meetings 6. Exterminator caused the demise of my only work friend 7. Recently told I *had* to wear clothes 8. I suspect this place is haunted by VERY evil spirits 9. Someone put a stop to my charade as a member of the Board of Directors 10. They won't let me do menial work anymore ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 19:26:28 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Song (may be offensive to some) The Penis Song... Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis. Isn't it simply grand to have a dong. It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick, From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick... So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas, Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake. Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, Your Percy or your cock, You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock, But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock, And you won't a-come a-back. --possibly Monty Python's ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 15:43:38 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Sweatshirts On sweatshirts in the Summer 1996 _Wireless_ catalog: Baroque (adj.): When you're out of Monet. No truly Advanced Civilization would include Pantyhose. Men should come with Instructions. Women ... Children ... ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 14:48:03 MST7MDT From: Scotty Subject: Fun things to do while driving DISCLAIMER: The sender of this joke and list providers are not responsible or liable for any thing that happens while attempting these things. CAUTION: Not to be attempted by anyone under 5 years driving expereince! 30 Fun Things to do When Driving 1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better. 6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone. 7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot. 8. Stop at the green lights. 9. Go at the red ones. 10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance. 11. Eat food that requires silverware. 12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly. 13. Sing without having the radio on. 14. Honk frequently without motivation. 15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture. 16. Ask people for Grey Poupon. 17. Let pedestrians know who's boss. 18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. 19. Restart your car at every stop light. 20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly. 21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window. 22. While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars. 23. Paint your car with occult symbols. 24. Keep at least five cats in the car. 25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex. 26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks. 27. Stop and collect roadkill. 28. Stop and pray to roadkill. 29. Throw Spam. 30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them. http://members.tripod.com/~ScottyScotty/index.html ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 16:49:12 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Hit me A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for... I'll take an eight." --Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 17:10:03 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Cousin Waldo (poss.offensive to dentists) Bubba's cousin Waldo was real smart. When he was a kid, he saved old magazines and when he grew up, he became a dentist ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 21:29:56 -0400 From: Joshua Ostroff Subject: History 101 (not offensive) 1 of 3 (selected writings by high school authors) Ancient History Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch, who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to live alone with his wife in the desert. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the "Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days , and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today. Then came the Middle ages... when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Dontello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 00:02:11 -0400 From: "J. Mitchel Bone" Subject: Top Ten Lists The top ten reasons the Web is better than TV: 10. On TV, there are only 53 channels with nothing worth watching. The Web has *thousands.* 9. On the Web, you're always master of the remote control. 8. What would you rather do: configure a browser or program a VCR? 7. "We will be right back after these important messages." 6. The Web has no laugh track. 5. Modem dial tones are less grating than the theme song to "Friends." 4. Ever heard of the Jerry Lewis Webathon? 3. On the Web, you miss nothing during a bathroom break. 2. A mouse has fewer buttons to master than a remote. 1. "Married... With Children." --second part of the c|net newsletter top ten list - - - - - - - - - - - A hearty congratulations to Microsoft Chair Bill Gates on the recent addition to his nuclear family. Last Friday, Bill's wife, Melinda French Gates, gave birth to 8-pound, 6-ounce Jennifer Gates at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue, Washington. Mother and daughter were both reported to be doing well. Of course, a lot of planning goes into a new child -- as evidenced by this scrap of paper faxed to us by an anonymous medical technician at Overlake Hospital: Top ten specs for the new Gates child: 10. Two hours between recharges 9. Infinite capacity removable storage 8. EnergyStar shutdown (nonprogrammable) 7. SCSI port 6. Multiple Registry entries 5. Compact laptop design 4. Plug and Play accessories 3. Small footprint 2. Software-only audio controls 1. Bidirectional cereal port ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1996 to 4 May 1996 **********************************************