HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1996 to 5 May 1996 There are 8 messages totalling 598 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Final 2. HUMOR List Traffic Report 3. History 101 (not offensive) 2 of 3 4. Offensive to Jews, but not many. 5. TP for whom? 6. The Missing Chewing Gum - inoffensive 7. Man at brothel, may be offensive to wifes 8. New Religion ------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 23:35:01 -0500 From: "Brian J. Walker" Subject: The Final One year there were these two guys who were taking chemistry at Duke and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs etc., so well, that going into the finals they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals week, they decided to go to a University party in another state. They did and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything they overslept and didn't go home on Sunday, and arrived back on their campus on Monday. Rather than taking the final they went to their professor and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him they went to UVA for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare & couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final the next day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So they studied and the next day, they went to take the test. The professor put them in seperate rooms and gave each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity annd solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy" They did that problem and then turned to the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: #2 (95 points) Which tire? --from A20NEB1@MVS.CSO.NIU.EDU ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 02:06:42 -0400 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with the new and improved (drumroll please)... TRAFFIC REPORT AND WEB SITE REPORT A. Table of Contents: A. Table of Contents B. Introductory comments C. The Traffic Report -- or the list by the numbers a. The countries receiving HUMOR D. Whose posts were chosen to be on the sample page this week? E. Why do we have a posters' list? F. What are the rules of contributing? G. Frequently Asked Questions H. A sample of humor I. Who is this "Jim" character, anyway? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B. Introductory Comments As everyone can see, I have taken the liberty of making this report more "user-friendly." I send it out every week to the contributors' list (the HUMOR-P list) and once a month to the entire HUMOR list. Welcome to the month of May. Most of the questions I receive are now mentioned in the "Frequently Asked Questions" section of this report, so feel free to take a look at it if you have any questions. If your question is not answered, or if you have any other comments, please feel free to email me at jimphynn@interramp.com. Over the course of this past week there was a surge in the posting of ASCII art. I would just like to re-iterate that the rules of posting have not been changed to allow this. If you are not a contributor, but would like to become one, here is your invitation to do so. All you need to do is send an email to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE. It outlines all of the rules of contributing, and provides a short exam which will quiz you on the most important aspects of contributing. After this exam you will get a notice informing you of your eligibility to contribute. You can also view the HUMOR guide on the web at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html As always, my mailbox is open for you if you have any questions or comments. Please let me know what you think about this report in its new & improved (as opposed to the previous "old and inferior") format. My email address is jimphynn@interramp.com, or you can visit my home page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn. The HUMOR website is located at: http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - C. Traffic Report for HUMOR, 28 April - 4 May (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 28 Sunday 12 10 10 14 7 29 Monday 27 18 18 19 15 30 Tuesday 29 14 21 20 23 1 Wednesday 24 21 25 24 22 2 Thursday 15 17 28 28 21 3 Friday 18 18 24 21 14 4 Saturday 12 13 15 7 15 Averages 19.6 15.9 20.1 19.0 16.7 Subscriptions 9,415 9,335 9,172 9,086 8,999 Countries 74 74 75 75 77 Contributors 776 785 795 793 791 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. a. Humor is dispatched daily to the following countries (If your home country is not listed here, please email me at jimphynn@interramp.com): Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Moldova, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - D. Web Site Individiual Posts The posts in the last week which have been chosen for the sample.html page are as follows (in order as they appeared during the past week): Name Subject 1. Lyle J Kinnaman Cusswords 2. Bob Collins Dime goes a long way 3. Sarah W. Soderlund Limerick 4. Mike Bishop Cletus and Cooter 5. Mohamed El-Nadi Taxi Drivers go to Heaven 6. Aditya the Hindu Skeptic Bovine Solutions 7. Patrick Russell Divorce 8. Matt Grob Golf Ball 9. Mark J Scheller Good/Bad/Worse 10. Michael J Irvin Full Deck-isms, Part VI 11. John M Scheer A Few Jokes 12. Jon J Bisbey Mad Cow Disease 13. Ken Brousseau Sr. The One Eyed Cat 14. Gwen Eckman Dating rules for college 15. Joel Rosen Law on the March - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - E. Poster's List The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. ** The following are the goals of HUMOR: - To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of humor. - To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects. - To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection of sensitivities for readers. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - F. The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules: 1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints. Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor. Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive. A contributor who violates rules may be suspended. 2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic. Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted. Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted. One contribution per day. No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions. Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 max). Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No signature file. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - G. Frequently Asked Questions (note: all commands to the listserv address go in the body of the message. You may send as many commands as you like, provided you keep one command to a line) Q. I am receiving HUMOR in digest format. How do I change this to receive posts as they are sent? A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR MAIL Q. I am receiving HUMOR in mail format. How do I change this to digest format? A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR DIGEST Q. I don't want someone searching the listserver for my email address. How can I protect myself? A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL Q. What happens if I violate one of the rules of contributing? A. Larry Randall, our rules enforcer, may suspend you. Q. Is there any chance for some kind of leniency? A. You'd want to take that up with Larry -- preferably BEFORE you post something that might get you in trouble. His email address is randall@mailstorm.dot.gov Q. How often do you send the Traffic Report out, Jim? A. I send it out once a week, on Sundays. On the first Sunday of every month, I send it to the entire HUMOR list. Q. So that means, if I get the report weekly, I'm eligible to contribute? A. Unless you are in violation of one of HUMOR's rules. Right. Q. How do I stop getting the Traffic Report? A. You have two options: first you could leave the posters' list entirely, by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR-P. Let me warn you that if you use this method, the way to become a contributor again would entail taking that short exam that you got by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE Or you could send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR-P NOMAIL Q. How do I stop getting HUMOR? A. You have two options: first you could leave the list entirely, by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR Or you could send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR NOMAIL Q. What if I want to change my email address? A. For HUMOR, you can change it yourself, by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR, followed by your real name from your new address, and then sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR from the old one. If you wish to change your email address for contributing purposes, email either me (jimphynn@interramp.com) or Larry (randall@mailstorm.dot.gov). Q. Can I have two different addresses registered to the listserver? A. Sure! You can subscribe to HUMOR from as many addresses as you like. Q. How about for contributing? A. Sorry. Only one address per person for contributor's status. Makes the paperwork easier, in case you violate the rules. Q. I don't violate the rules. Can you make an exception? A. No. Q. Sorry. A. That's all right. Q. I'm going on vacation for an extended period of time. I don't want to have HUMOR piling up in my mailbox while I'm gone. What should I do? A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR NOMAIL Q. How do I change it back when I get back to my computer? A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR MAIL or SET HUMOR DIGEST, whichever you prefer. Q. What's the secret of the movie The Crying Game? A. She's a man. Q. Where is HUMOR's website? A. http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html Q. Who created it? A. Yours truly. Q. Great links page. A. Thank you. Q. Who are you, anyway? A. That belongs in the section after the next. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - H. And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: Jersey Girl note: all names mentioned in this joke are real towns in the state of New Jersey There was this girl who lived in New Jersey, and she loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State. One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit. "I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said, and she smiled in assent. Working his hand down her ass, he asked, "And this?" "I call that Freehole," she replied. Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front. "I bet you call this Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly. "Nope. That's Eatontown." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I. Who is Jim Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@interramp.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 08:08:22 -0400 From: Joshua Ostroff Subject: History 101 (not offensive) 2 of 3 (selected writings by high school authors) The Renaissance? The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historic figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The clown in "As You Like It" is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." American History During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, & the Sante Fe Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 18:14:15 -0500 From: Marcus Parsons Subject: Offensive to Jews, but not many. Dangerous Dan, the Jew - apologies to Robert Service and the Goys. A bunch of the boys 'vas 'voopin' it up in old Rosenblum's saloon. And the kid 'vot played the Kyotski was hitting a Yiddisher tune. Where back of the bar in a pinochole game sat Dangerous Dan, the Jew. And 'vatching him cheet, 'vas his Yiddish girl, sweet, the lady 'vot's know as Sadie. When out of the night there stumbles a fright, face dirty, and covered with hair. Get's a beer in his paw, and covers his sight and cry's if if nobody's 'dere. 'Mit his diamond stick pin and his checkered vest, the "fright" begins to schvay. He picks up the Kid's kyotski, and Oy-Oy-Oy, how 'dot Goy could play. Have you ever been by yourself alone, when your wife she wasn't along. And all you can think of all night long is 'vine and 'vomen and song. And you think of the days of your mispent youth of Rachel, Rebecca and dear little Ruth. ... Now the Kyotski began to "shook" and up speaks the "fright" with all his might. And he says, "Boys, you don't give a 'dem". Or who between these motzoes, do I find you eatin' 'hem. Now two shot rang out ... ... Blewy - Blewy I may not be smart, like the playing card shark and to some it might sound shady. But, the 'von 'dat now 'vears the diamond stick pin, Oy, That's the lady vot's known as Sadie. Marc Parsons, mparsons@mail.win.org, St. Charles, MO ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 19:15:24 EDT From: Robert Loach <102666.2623@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: TP for whom? A nurse at a retirement home wheeled two elderly gentlemen out into the garden for some fresh air, placing them under a nice shade tree. Within a very short time, a bird flew to one of the branches and promptly relieved itself on the head of one of the old men. The nurse, flustered, said to the man, "I'll be right back -- I'm going inside to get some toilet paper." The man replied, "Don't bother. By the time you return, the bird will be gone!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 19:04:32 -0500 From: Marcus Parsons Subject: The Missing Chewing Gum - inoffensive A Tale of when Knights were bold and Maidens were fair (or maybe mediocre). --------------------------- The knights, their faces set and stern, rose in the banquet hall. Against the golden tapestry, their shields hung on the wall. A task for them, their lord had set, that might have dauhnted some. The lady, Geraldine, you see, had lost her chewing gum. Across the board, their swords struck fire and each with noble air, declared he'd find that gum, or bust, and swore a mighty swear. He'd neither bathe, nor brush his teeth nor turn his cuffs around, until his quest had brought success, his lady's gum he'd found. Then trusted squires with "polish shine" their master's pants made bright. And plumbs becurled with curling irons were pleasing to the sight. And North and East and South and West In shining armor dressed, the noble knights rode noble steeds upon their noble quest. (All save one) Sir Muck-a-Muck, he would not leave his seat. For as he swore terrific swears, he continued, calm, to eat. As on him turned his feudal lord, his lady by his side and said, "Sirray, who sit ye here, when others questing ride?" To find your lady's chewing gum, a cardiff knight, I trow. "Why should I search?", replied Sir Muck, "I'm sitting on it now!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 20:33:57 -0400 From: David Burns Subject: Man at brothel, may be offensive to wifes A business man was out of town for the weekend, and went to the local brothel. He handed $500 top the madam, and asked for an evening with the fattest, ugliest girl she had. The madam assured him that for that much money, he could spend the evening with her best girl. But the man informed her, "I'm not horney, just homesick. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 23:23:36 -0400 From: Greg Pomykala Subject: New Religion One day this middle-aged Catholic couple (named Greg & Judi) decided to look into this new religious order, and maybe join if the religion suited them! They attended several masses to get an idea if this new religion was for them or not. After the 6th Mass, they decided they felt very welcomed, met several very nice poeple and felt like a part of a "Religious Family". Which is what they were really searching for! So they went to the Rectory to find out how to join this new Religion. They were directed to a den where there were two other couples already there, a very young couple and a very old couple. The Pastor comes in and greeetings are exchanged. The husband then asks what do they need to do, to join the church. "Well we only ask three things of our married couples" said Fr. Tom. 1. "You both have to attend church every day for thirty days. But scheduling shouldn't be a problem as we have 6 short masses during the week. 2. "You must fill out a small questionaire so that we may know a little about you and put you on our church mailling list. 3. "And finally you MUST abstain from sex for 30 days". Well a month goes by and the three couples are again gathered in the Rectory den. The Pastor comes in and Greetings are exchanged. Fr. Tom then looks at the very young couple and asks "Well... did you abide by Our rules?" "Yes we did Father, although abstaining from sex was difficult the last 7 days". "Alright -then you may join Our church" announces the Priest. Fr. Tom then turns to the very old couple and asks the same question. "Yes we did Father, although abstaining from sex was difficult the last 2 days" "Alright-then you may join Our church!" Fr. Tom then he asks "our couple" the same question. "Well Father... we both were doing very good of abstaining from sex until last night. I was standing behind Judi when she bent down to get a can of peas from the bottom shelf... and well Fr. Tom... lust took over and I had sex with my wife right then and there! "I'm sorry" said Fr. Tom, "but you two can't come back!" "That's Ok" said Greg, "last night-the Mgr. at Grand Union told us the same thing!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 May 1996 to 5 May 1996 **********************************************