Date sent: Wed, 5 Jun 1996 02:00:01 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1996 to 5 Jun 1996 There are 17 messages totalling 589 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Doomed from the start 2. Close encounters. 3. Q&A 4. FWD: Marriage Humor (from the Cornell humor list) 5. Humor: Ford Slogans 6. The Bickersons - "It's 3 a.m., Blanche!" pt 2 of 6 7. Newly Married (sexual theme) 8. Drug bust? 9. Which is the better deal? 10. stupid jokes(not off.) 11. Old Man Murphy 12. Revenge of the Exam Proctor... 13. The Judge 14. assotred humor 15. Computer Humor [I think!] (Clean) 16. off to gays/one vulgarity 17. billboard advertisement ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 03:53:20 -0500 From: Grant Anderson Subject: Doomed from the start At 02:00 AM 6/4/96 -0400, Lewin Joshua wrote: >I'm back, and getting married next Tuesday! Any suggestions? Well, I just hope that you will never have to do what this guy did in the following story I received from a frind of mine: > Wedding Bliss > >Okay kids, here's the story that tops them all. If any of you guys out >there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a >true story that just happened at a wedding in Clemson, SC. > >A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the >wedding. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding >at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to >the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from >long distances, to support them at their wedding. > >He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for >coming. To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he >said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom >of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to >everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an >8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have >gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to >trail them.) > >After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of >minutes, he turned to the best man and said Fuck You, he turned to >the bride and said Fuck You, and then said I'm out of here. He got >the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have >broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this >guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's >parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone >know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best >man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc. > >This is his world, we just live in it. > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Grant Anderson Northwestern University Computer Engineering '98 "Don't take life seriously--it isn't permanent." OAS, AAS, LLS! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 14:31:57 +0530 From: Sanjay Sahay Subject: Close encounters. Man : "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man : "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you." ;-) sanjana ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 18:14:25 +-800 From: "TW.Chan" Subject: Q&A Q : What did the hurricane said to the coconut tree? A: You better hold on tight to your nuts cos' this is going to be one hell of a blow job! Source: Humor Archive. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 08:13:22 EST From: "Anne L.P. Young" Subject: FWD: Marriage Humor (from the Cornell humor list) --Boundary (ID TskuBjWUOKzbQGY8QHsRkw) Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN --Boundary (ID TskuBjWUOKzbQGY8QHsRkw) Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822 Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 22:38:59 EST From: "Christopher Kline"@A1.TCH.HARVARD.EDU Subject: Marriage Humor Sender: "owner-HUMOR-L@cornell.edu" To: moderated forum for the exchange of Reply-to: "ckline@mitre.org" Message-id: Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN Delivery-date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 23:21:00 EST Posting-date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 23:17:08 EST Importance: normal A1-type: MAIL Marriage Humor: --------------- Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe- Jackie Mason Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.- Mae West [the authors of the following are not known] Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ... Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. --Boundary (ID TskuBjWUOKzbQGY8QHsRkw)-- ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 07:34:48 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Ford Slogans >Sent From eastrlng@utdallas.edu Wed May 29 17:49:57 1996 ========================================================= "Ford Motor Company announced a couple of days ago that they're recalling eight million cars because they burst into flame spontaneously! The recall came only after Ford was unable to convince the American consumer that it was just part of that automobile's anti-theft system." "But you've got to give Ford credit. They acted pretty quickly on this deal. They unveiled their new slogan this morning, 'Have you put out a Ford lately.'" Top Ten New Ford Slogans 10. Where there's smoke, there's a Ford 9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately? 8. Forget Chevy -- we've got the real Blazer! 7. Available in original or extra crispy 6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s! 5. Ford, the Unabomber of the highways 4. Quality is job one, putting out the fire is job two 3. Like a rock -- a rock of hot, molten lava 2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and ask, "Where's the fire?" 1. Click...vroom...kaboom! Letterman, Monday, April 29, 1996 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Ford: Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 09:45:39 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: The Bickersons - "It's 3 a.m., Blanche!" pt 2 of 6 Blanche: I bet you never even *thought* of calling me. I sat here 'til one o'clock in the morning worrying myself into a stew! What'd you eat? John: Stew! Put out the lights, Blanche. Blanche: You sure have the answers, don't you, John? John: Answers! Questions! All I want to do is close my eyes for a couple of hours before I take off! Blanche: Sure, get up and run away! Fly all over the country! You don't care about me! John: I'm only going overnight! I'll be back on Sunday! Blanche: If you cared for me, you wouldn't leave me! John: I'm *not* leaving you! I have to fly to Las Vegas on business, and I'll be gone for about 24 hours. Blanche: Well, why can't you take me with you? John: [pause] Because you don't take a ham sandwich to a banquet! Blanche: What do you mean by that? John: [exhausted] I don't know. I just wish you'd put out the lights and let - me - sleep! Blanche: [pause] Tell the truth: aren't you sorry you married me, just a little bit? John: I'm not sorry just a little bit. Blanche: You're sorry a whole lot! John: I'm not sorry at all! Blanche: You love me still? John: I don't know - I never saw you that way! Blanche: There you go again! It's been like this for the whole eight years of our marriage! John: [realizing he'll never get to sleep now] Oh, brother. Blanche: At night, you won't talk because you're too sleepy. In the morning, you swallow your coffee, kick the cat and go to work! You *never* want to talk! - not to me, anyway! I mean a *real* conversation, John. You know, you haven't actually spoken to me for *3* *months*? John: I know it. Blanche: Why is that, John? John: I didn't want to interrupt you! Blanche: See? And you say *I* start everything! Can't you say something nice to me once in a while? Must you always dig at me? John: Blanche, it's three o'clock in the morning! Blanche: I don't care! I try to be sweet, and you won't even be civil! Why did you marry me if you can't stand the sight of me? John: I can stand the sight of you. Blanche: But you don't *love* me! John: *Yes*, I *do*! Blanche: You *don't*, you *don't*, you *don't*! John: I tell you, I *do*! Blanche: Then why don't you *say* it? John: [trying desparately to control his temper] I've said it until I'm blue in the face! I've written it in seven different languages! I have your face embroidered on my underwear! I even offered to stamp out "John Loves Blanche" with a hot branding iron, didn't I? And you wouldn't let me *do* it, *would* you? Blanche: No! John: Why not? Blanche: Because it was burning my hip! John: If you can't stand a little pain, don't keep asking for proof of my love! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 09:57:30 +0000 From: Ken Keller Subject: Newly Married (sexual theme) A newlywed couple took a limousine to a posh hotel for their wedding night. The groom carried the blushing bride into the hotel lobby and exclaimed to the manager: "Sir, we are ready for some wild sex. Give me the best suite in the house!" "Certainly sir, would you like the bridal?" "Naw that won't be necessary. I'll just hold on to her ears 'till she gets the hang of it" ;) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 13:00:33 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Drug bust? Evelyn was a supervisors nightmare. She weighed 250 pounds, often called in sick, was frequently late for work, tried hard but was slow to learn and was a single parent with 3 kids who just couldn't afford to lose her job. Jim was her supervisor, he was a nice guy and tried to overlook her faults but she was a source of constant irritation to him. One of Jim's other employees decided to take advanatage of the situation in order to play a joke on him. He walked up and said, "The cops just arrested Evelyn out in the parking lot!" "Oh, no! What did she do this time?" Jim moaned. "They arrested her for possession of drugs...they lifted up her skirt and found 50 pounds of crack." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 11:11:52 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: Which is the better deal? Subject: Life in Prison vs. A Full Time Job ______________________________________________________________________ In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' pod. In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes. At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes. At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me. In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time. In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time. In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list. In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball and chained. In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles. In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 13:41:28 -0500 From: gregory n bonk Subject: stupid jokes(not off.) Sorry I haven't had tome to post as often as I like, but here are some more really pathetic jokes... What has four wheels and flies? -a garbage truck! If three people are standing under one umbrella, why don't any of them get wet? -It's not raining seya -Bonk ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 13:35:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Old Man Murphy Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 17:33:16 -0400 From: James Bologna Subject: Revenge of the Exam Proctor... Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs. (From a post to Nutworks by Mike Lutz) The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with aplomb. Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was multiple choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least for one term. One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to be as blatent as possible about cheating. At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating off another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper." After about three such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Ed's seat, grabbed the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're outta here!" According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect combination of shock and terror. For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 19:42:37 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: The Judge A judge was noted for hearing more cases than all the other judges combined. "How do you make up your mind so quickly?" a reporter asked him. "I listen to the plaintiff and make my decision," he replied. "Don't you listen to the defendant as well?" "I used to," said the judge, "but it only confused me." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 19:06:19 PST From: D S Paull Subject: assotred humor Subject: A Strange Name (Original) From: strange@scs.unr.edu (James D. Strange) My name is Jim Strange. As you can imagine this sometimes whips up a few chuckles. My personal favorite happened some years ago. Someone asked me "What is your last name?" I said "My last name is Strange." Their response: "Oh, don't worry, my last name is Piccorrney...don't feel self-concious. So what 's your last name?" --Subject: Doctors can be funny! From: jwag@together.net (John Wagner) A true story... A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the docs house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, "I don't think it's necassary, just watch him closely for any change." Subject: Overheard at airport From: showkave@well.com (~rob) At the airport the other day, I overheard a ticket clerk talking to a passenger who spoke very little English. The clerk was asking the standard question (these days), "Sir, has any stranger given you something to carry on the plane?" The passenger was confused, evidently, by the word "stranger". He just didn't know what she was talking about. Another clerk was brought over and they spoke very distinctly (and loudly) and tried to pantomime the idea of "stranger". Finally, after a couple of minutes of interesting amatuer theater, the guy finally seems to understand. A big smile comes across his face and he tells them: "Women, I am new to America! I have been here only a short time! I do not yet KNOW any strangers!" They gave up and let the guy on the plane. Subject: VIRUS ALERT! From: gould@pilot.njin.net (Brian Jay Gould) I got this idea when my wife got one of these phony virus email messages on AOL. TO: allusers FROM: almostanadmin SUBJECT: VIRUS ALERT! There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 17:39:40 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Computer Humor [I think!] (Clean) Old grandpa has wee grandson on his knee. Says Grandpa, "I've learned things at my mother's knee, in my father's woodshed, behind the barn, and on the street--but NEVER from floppy disks." Two employees, briefcases in hand, are going into the big building which is home to DIGITAL PRO. Says the old employee to the new, "A word of advice. . .there's a great deal of Artificial Intelligence at the head office." Confucius say: "When reaching for more K, beware of cracking head." Motorist asks for directions from a pedestrian. The directions are: "INPUT 82 GOTO PAGEMILL LEFT G5 IF G3 <>57000 GOTO 280 EXIT." When something goes wrong with your computer, 1. Look in the back. 2. Look at the ceiling. 3. Look at your shoes. 4. Look in your wallet. There are a lot more in a book called "A Much, Much Better World", by Eldon Dedini. [Copyrighted, unfortunately] --Charlie from Chehalis ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 22:10:00 CDT From: Lawrence Subject: off to gays/one vulgarity A gay goes in to see his doctor for a regular check-up. The doctor explains, "I'm going to use my stethoscope to check your body. When I tell you, I want you to say "Seventy" (70)." The doctor places his stethoscope on the man's chest, and in a high voice he responds, "Seventy". The doctor places the stethoscope on his back, in a high voice he responds "Seventy". The doctor explains that he must check the man's testicles. As he checks, the man responds, in a high(er) voice, "Seventy." The doctor puts on his rubber gloves, and has to check the man's asshole. The doctor sticks his finger in - and the man responds, in a high voice... "One, Two, Three, More...." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 23:54:58 -0500 From: CORNHOLIO Subject: billboard advertisement * 69...reach out and touch someone ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1996 to 5 Jun 1996 **********************************************