Date sent: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 02:00:00 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1996 to 2 Jul 1996 There are 13 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Humor: AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS 2. Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 3 of 5 3. Law on the March (2) 4. Olympic Torch Route 5. Hokey-pokey 6. Javelin catcher? 7. Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey 8. Nudist Camp (slightly offensive) 9. Fw: Real life stories 10. A Tale of 2's 11. Why did the...cross the...jokes 12. Why?? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 07:34:44 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS >Sent From Steve Willoughby's E-mail: oracle@synapse.net ======================================================== AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred. *There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. *Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. *Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. *In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. *In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows. *An average person laughs about 15 times a day. *The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. *The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s. *The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. *America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. *A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. *The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. *The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. *Every person has a unique tongue print. *Women's hearts beat faster than men's. *Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. *Most American car horns honk in the key of F. *About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.] *Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. *Most lipstick contains fish scales. *Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. *The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. *27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." *Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. *"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Who's the Round Table's roundest knight? Sir Cumference ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 09:15:39 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 3 of 5 Blanche: John, if you take my advice, you'll trade this car in. John: I'm not makin' any trades unless I can get a good deal. Blanche: Well, how do you know you *can't*? Have you tried the Smiling Irishman? John: I tried the Smiling Irishman. Blanche: What did he say? John: He didn't *say* anything; he laughed out loud! Blanche: That's because you're not a good businessman. I'll bet my brother- in-law, Barney, could make a good trade for you. John: [laughs sarcastically] Barney! Blanche: Barney's a shrewd businessman. He can *get* things from people. John: He got plenty from *me*, all right! Blanche: I wish you were more like him. Barney makes good everywhere he goes. Even when he was in the army, he worked himself up into a field marshal. John: He worked himself up to a *buck* *private*! Blanche: How can you say that? You know very well we got word they made him a field marshal. John: He was a *private*, and he was *court* marshaled! Blanche: Stop yelling; the neighbors are looking. John: Well, don't rile me up about Barney! It's the one thing I hate in the world more than that cat! Blanche: Sorry, John. I just wish we'd do something together on your vacation. Do you know the headlights are on? John: Headlights? I thought the battery was dead. I must've had the wires crossed. Boy, what a lucky break! Blanche: Now you can give me a driving lesson. John: [pause; horrified] *Driving* lesson? Blanche: John, you've been promising me for two years you'd teach me how to drive. John: Not today, Blanche. Blanche: Why not? John: Well, it's such a nice day, I thought I might drive downtown and sneak into the ball game. Blanche: Never mind that ball game talk, *I* know what you're thinkin' of! John: What am I thinkin' of? Blanche: You're thinkin' of Murphy's Bar and Grill, and I'm not lettin' ya go *near* that saloon again! John: I *never* go near Murphy's Bar and Grill, and that's the farthest thing from my mind. Why must you always accuse me of being preoccupied with drinking? Blanche: All right, forget it. Have you got gas in the car? John: Yes, I put a fifth in yesterday. I mean five *gallons*! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 09:42:33 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Great, Now We Can Support Him Too. Massachusetts governor Bill Weld has called for a mandatory one-year jail sentence for fathers who owe at least $5000 in child support but have not made a payment in a year. Weld says the legislation is necessary because the state often must support a family when the father fails to pay his share. Source: Boston Globe --------------------------------- It's My Frivolous Claim, and I Demand the Right to File It! Prison inmates are not entitled to state-of-the-art law libraries. The U.S Supreme Court says an Arizona plan plan to beef up prison libraries is a model of what should not be done. The constitutional right to access to courts "does not guarantee inmates the wherewithal to trnasform themselves into litigating engines capable of filing everything from shareholder derivative actions to slip-and-fall claims," Justice Scalia wrote. Inmates often file suits saying, for instance, that soft ice cream in the prison caffeteria constitutes cruel and unusual punishment or that they have a constitutional right to a sex change operation. These suits waste a tremendous amount of court time. Scalia observed, "Depriving someone of a frivolous claim deprives him of nothing at all." Source: Lewis v. Casey ----------------------------------- J'accuse! Quebec has brought back the language police. The Commision de Protection de la Langue Francaise patrols Montreal, Canada, making sure that the French words on all signs (even on lemonade stands) are twice as big as any English words. It costs the province $5 million a year to fund the tongue troopers' nitpicking. In 1992, just before it was disbanded, the commission investigated 1,855 complaints. Ninety percent of these were brought by four people, cranks who were offended by any English words they saw. Source: Boston Globe ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 14:15:52 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Olympic Torch Route The Top 15 Problems Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route -------------------------------------------------------------- 15) Forward progress hampered by slow moving white Bronco. 14) Torch commandeered in Waco by over-zealous ATF agents. 13) One *really* pissed off Smokey the Bear. 12) Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable Bic lighter. 11) Difficulty getting melted marshmellows off torch after "s'mores" party got out of hand. 10) Running 7 miles before realizing the torch is still on top of the urinal at the last rest stop. 9) First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "receive the baton." 8) Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a case of Bud and a supersoaker. 7) Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC -- appears 30 minutes later in Atlanta. 6) Drive-by goosings. 5) Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots of Fire" theme. 4) Torch-jackings in urban areas. 3) Crazed hippie terrorists replace Olympic Torch with new Olympic Bong. 2) Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for directions. and the Number 1 Problem Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route... 1) Obnoxious drunks who run up and yell, "No, I meant a BUD light!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 10:45:20 -0400 From: Kevin Krom Subject: Hokey-pokey > Did you hear about the funeral for the person who composed the song > the Hokey-pokey? > > It took a week to bury the guy, First they put the left arm in the grave, > then they took the left arm out of the grave, then they put the left arm in the > grave, then they shook it all about...... ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 13:18:26 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Javelin catcher? A fearless Zulu warrior was striding through the jungle armed only with a spear. Suddenly, he came face-to-face with a ferocious tiger! As the tiger jumped at him, the warrior fell to one knee and launched his spear directly at the tiger's broad chest. Unfortunately, his aim was off and the spear passed harmlessly beneath the tiger. However, the tiger had also misjudged its target distance and leaped over the Zulu by a narrow margin. The warrior recovered his spear just as the tiger turned to face him. They glared at each other and then decided to call it a standoff for the moment. Somewhat shaken by his close call with death, the Zulu warrior decided he needed to practice throwing his spear at a slightly higher angle. While he was practicing, he heard a strange noise nearby, parted the bushes and saw the tiger...practicing short leaps. The Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 12:29:34 CST From: Weird Al Yankovic Subject: Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey ========== I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ========== I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. ========== If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ========== Source: LOTD archive ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 17:16:01 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Dad, I Know This Is a Little Awkward, but . . . Could I Have One More Advance on My Allowance? Erik Menendez, the spoiled brat who murdered his parents to inheirit their $14 million fortune, has second thoughts. Menendez, awaiting sentencing, told reporters he wishes he could bring his parents back for one last conversation. Source: AP ----------------- A Few Beads Short of a Rosary Police are looking for Father Thomas Morrow to question him in connection with a stabbing. The Catholic priest has recently been charged with taking pictures of a nude teenage boy and possession of a controlled substance. Morrow, a New Yorker, is also a licensed psychologist. Source: Newsday ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 15:03:16 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: Nudist Camp (slightly offensive) NUDIST CAMP ------------------- A family of three [mom, dad and a 10 year-old girl] went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the dumber he gets." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 18 Jun 1996 09:13:00 PDT From: "Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star" Subject: Fw: Real life stories >From an ex-field sales/support survivor: I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into... Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with... Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later] Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.. ---------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 19:08:04 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: A Tale of 2's A vacation is a succession of 2s. It consists of 2 weeks which are 2 short. Afterward, you are 2 tired to return 2 work and 2 broke not 2. **Keep smiling. Make people wonder what you've been up to.** ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 21:01:00 -0700 From: Rosen Subject: Why did the...cross the...jokes Why did Gary Larson's chicken cross the road? To get to the Far Side. Why did the Kavorkian's patients cross the road? To get to the other side (as in heaven or hell). By the way if anyone can think of a funny clue for a crossword puzzle, send it to me. Example: High class sole. Oxford shoe. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 23:28:35 -0500 From: "Russell \"Bear\" Vander Horst" Subject: Why?? Q: Why are the palms of black people's hands white?? A: Because God had them spread eagle when he spray-painted them :-> ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jul 1996 to 2 Jul 1996 **********************************************