Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 02:00:01 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Jul 1996 to 3 Jul 1996 There are 10 messages totalling 356 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 4 of 5 2. Humor: Driving in Heaven 3. Law on the March 4. Olympic Torch Route 5. Hell 6. The Parrot 7. Twain-isms 8. Hamburgers 9. Another Crash 10. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 09:16:04 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 4 of 5 Blanche: Well, are you gonna teach me to drive, or aren't you? John: [resigned to the inevitable] Ohhhh, get in. Blanche: All right. [they get in the car] Now, what do I do? John: Just relax. Now I want to explain a few things first. [pause; speaking more affectionately than usual] Teaching a wife to drive requires a great deal of patience and understanding. And we'll get along fine, if you'll just listen to me and do as I tell you. If I tell ya to put out your hand and slow down, don't step on the gas and speed up. [starts getting a little worked up] If I say pull over to the right, do it now, not later. [getting more worked up] If I say there's a yellow light, come to a stop, don't step on the gas and try to beat it! [still more] Because, if ya get away with it, from then on you'll be speedin'! Goin' through lights! [really worked up] And I'll get a ticket! And have my license revoked! And it's all your fault! GET OUT OF THE CAR, BLANCHE! Blanche: John, I haven't done anything! John: Well, ya better *not* do anything! Now, start the motor, shift to first, let out the clutch slowly, and feed the gas. Have ya got that? Blanche: Yes. John: Start the car. Blanche: The seat's too far back. John: It's not too far back. Blanche: But I can't see the radiator cap. John: Why do you want to see the radiator cap? Blanche: How *else* can I aim it? John: Ya *steer* it! Ya don't *aim* it! It's not a weapon. Let's go. Blanche: Now, don't rush me. Let's see - put the clutch in, shift to first, let the clutch up, easy, now feed gas - there! Well, why aren't we moving? John: Ya didn't start the motor. Blanche: What motor? John: The one that comes with the - WHADAYA MEAN, "WHAT MOTOR?"! Blanche: Don't snap at me! John: I'M NOT SNAPPING! START THE CAR! Blanche: Oh, all right! [sound of ancient motor trying to start] John: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Stop it! STOP IT, STOP IT! Blanche: What's the matter? Am I going too fast? John: You're not moving! Take your foot off! Blanche, the motor won't start unless ya turn on the ignition. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 08:13:29 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Driving in Heaven >Sent From gevans@onramp.net Thu May 9 18:52:12 1996 ===================================================== There were three doctor's who died and went to heaven. Waiting for them at the Pearly Gates was St. Peter. They had already been asked a number of questions about their lives as doctors, but St. Peter began to ask them about their personal lives. He called the first one up and asked him how long he had been married. The first man answered he had been married 25 years. Peter asked him then if he had been faithful to his wife. The man stuttered a minute and admitted he had been unfaithful 5 seperate times! Peter thought a bit, checked some of his records and said, "Well, considering they were one night stands and only 5 in 25 years averages to 1 every 5 years, we will allow you in... but you will only get a Chevy to drive! Peter then called in the second doctor and asked him the same question, "How many years were you married?" The man answered he had been married for 40 years. When Peter asked if he had been faithful to his wife, the doctor answered yes at first... and then changed his mind and admitted he had a mistress once for a few months, but felt so guilty that he stopped the affair and was faithful to his wife from then on. Peter thought a few minutes and again checked his notes. He said, "You have been honest and were actually unfaithful less than 7 times in 40 years. For your honesty and all of your other good works, you will be allowed into Heaven and will get a Cadillac to drive!" Peter then addressed the third doctor with the same question. The doctor responded that he had been married 20 years but had NEVER been unfaithful to his darling wife! Peter looked at his records and praised the doctor's virtues, giving him a Rolls Royce to drive and a mansion to live in! A few weeks later, the first two doctors were driving down the main road and saw the third doctor with his beautiful Rolls pulled over to the side of the road. He was kicking the tires, banging on the hood and sobbing uncontrollably!.. They asked him what was wrong... after all, hadn't he received praise and honors... a mansion and the Rolls... he got the best of them all!!! The man wailed that it meant nothing!.. Nothing at all! The other two doctors, perplexed, asked why not? He told them, "I just saw my wife drive by on a motor scooter!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- When it comes to cars, it's tough to drive a bargain. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 09:41:21 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March I Hereby Sentence You to Life in Prison and Pronounce You Man and Wife The impending marriage of convicted murderer Lyle Menendez set off a feud between two judges. Judge Nancy Brown ordered that Lyle be brought into court to marry his penpal, Anna Erikson, 30. Then another judge, John Reid, intervened to cancel the wedding plans, because he felt the ceremony should not be performed at taxpayer expense. The happy couple are free to be married by the trial judge, Stanley Weisberg, who will sentence Lyle and his brother to life in prison for the murder of their parents. If Brown had performed the ceremony, she says she would not have allowed the press in. "A marriage is a very private thing, a very personal thing, particularly in these circumstances," said the judge of the proposed jailhouse wedding. Source: AP ------------------ Now He Wants to Write off His Legal Bills as a Cost of Doing Business Lottery winner Phillip Cappella, 34, of Pelham, NH is going to have to pay the taxes on his $2.7 million jackpot, after all. After Cappella won Megabucks, he and his accountant cooked up a scheme to rent hundreds of thousands of dollars in losing scratch tickets from a man who collected them, and then write off the price of those tickets as a gambling loss. Unfortunately, they signed an agreement to return the tickets after they were done defrauding the IRS with them. That agreement was evidence in their tax fraud case. Cappella received two years' probation and a $5,000 fine. His accountant, Henry A. Dagneault of Lowell, MA, got a year and a day in prison. Source: Boston Globe ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 06:55:05 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: Olympic Torch Route The Top 15 Problems Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route -------------------------------------------------------------- 15) Forward progress hampered by slow moving white Bronco. 14) Torch commandeered in Waco by over-zealous ATF agents. 13) One *really* pissed off Smokey the Bear. 12) Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable Bic lighter. 11) Difficulty getting melted marshmellows off torch after "s'mores" party got out of hand. 10) Running 7 miles before realizing the torch is still on top of the urinal at the last rest stop. 9) First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "receive the baton." 8) Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a case of Bud and a supersoaker. 7) Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC -- appears 30 minutes later in Atlanta. 6) Drive-by goosings. 5) Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots of Fire" theme. 4) Torch-jackings in urban areas. 3) Crazed hippie terrorists replace Olympic Torch with new Olympic Bong. 2) Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for directions. and the Number 1 Problem Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route... 1) Obnoxious drunks who run up and yell, "No, I meant a BUD light!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 10:10:38 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Hell Overheard this one while trying to subdue some flaming burgers so I've had to fill in some of the blanks. If I did a hatchet job, feel free to sue me, my butcher, and the barbeque manufacturer. ******** This man dies and is greeted by the devil at the gates to hell. Dead Man: What am I doing in hell? I lived a good life. I don't deserve to be here. I should be in heaven! Devil: Now, now, relax. Give it a chance, you may find that you like hell. Dead Man: Like it? How so? What do you do in hell? Devil: Well first you've got your Mondays in hell. Do you like eating? Dead Man: Sure do. Devil: Well, you're gonna like Mondays - all the best food from around the world, all you can eat! And if you eat all the stuff that's bad for you - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! Dead Man: Sounds good. Devil: And then you've got your Tuesdays. Do you drink? Dead Man: Yeah, I like some good wine now and then. Devil: Well, you're gonna like Tuesdays - the best of wine and spirits all day long. And if you drink too much - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! Dead Man: I can handle that! Devil: And then you've got your Wednesdays. Do you like gambling? Dead Man: Yeah, I play the horses now and then, and I like lotteries. Devil: Well, you're gonna love Wednesdays - a giant casino, all the games you can imagine. And if you run up a big debt - WHO CARES, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! Dead Man: Tell me more. Devil: OK, then you've got your Thursdays. Do you do drugs? Dead Man: Well, I had a few tokes back in college... Devil: Well, you're gonna like Thursdays - any drug, you name it, unlimited quantity and nothing but the best in quality. And if you overdose - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! Dead Man: Sounds like fun, what else is there to do? Devil: Well, then you've got your Fridays. Are you gay? Dead Man: No. Devil: Uh, oh, I don't think you're gonna like Fridays! *************** ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 14:32:43 -0400 From: Greg Pomykala Subject: The Parrot The Parrot < strong language and off. to catholics> ~~~~~~~~ One day this elderly lady goes to the pet shop to buy a pet for companionship. After looking over all of the animals, she decides that the pet store owners prices are too high. But as she starts to leave, the owner whisks over and finally sells her a talking parrot-with the birdcage, for a very low price. She asks what such a low price and the owner replies that when the parrot gets excited-he swears. She "I can't have swearing in my house- I am a catholic!" He "Well the minute he begins to swear-grab the bottom of the birdcage and spin the cage and he will stop swearing immediately" She "I don't have time to train a parrot, I have Fr. Giroux coming for tea this afternoon at 3 and it's already 1pm!" He "You don't have to train him, he will respond to the spinning of the cage now" She "I don't know............." He "Well I'll knock off $20.00 more bucks and that will make it $50.00 for the parrot and the cage. How about it?" She "He is already trained?' He "Watch this" The owner runs up to the cage and then jumps up and down while hollering crazy sounds. Within seconds- the bird says "Quit the shit, Quit the shit" The owner spins the cage and immediately the parrot stops talking! She "Well ok ........... "I'll buy the parrot" When she gets home, she sets the cage in the corner of the parlor, behind her chair and turns on the TV. There is a cop show on and bullets are flying. All of a sudden the bird starts saying "Quit the shit-Quit the shit" So the woman gets up and spins the cage and the bird stops talking immediately. A while later the doorbell rings (which makes the parrot a little nervous) Then he hears another strange sound (the priest voice as he talks) Then they both sit down in the parlor (a strange person is in the room) so the parrot gets too nervous and starts saying "Quit the shit-Quit the shit". The woman gets ups quickly and spins the cage. The bird then sticks a wing out of the cage and then you hear......... "Ooooooh! ....feel the fucking breeze!!" _\|||/_ Bye for now, (o o) Greg ! -----oOO-~(_)~-OOo----- Have a nice day! ***** Humor Digest is published every day @ http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1262 ***** ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 16:47:40 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Twain-isms Mark Twain had a way of making us laugh while showing us the truth. Here are some excerpts (published without permission) from his many writings. I'll offer more of these over the coming weeks. -- Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities, truth isn't. (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar) -- Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable. (Notebook) -- There is a moral sense and there is an immoral sense. History shows that the moral sense enables us to see morality and how to avoid it, and that the immoral sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it. (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 16:03:46 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Hamburgers In a fast-food place I saw a sign which said, "A quarter-pound before cooking." I asked an employee, "What is it after cooking?" She thought for a moment and said, "I guess it's still a hamburger." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 2 Jul 1996 22:21:25 GMT From: Jerry Alan Cole Subject: Another Crash A DC-10 crashed in a Polish cemetery. They recovered 1600 bodies. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 00:20:49 EDT From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: --------------------------- Original Message --------------------------- A lady goes to the pet shop and asks for an appropriate pet. "I wish to have a proper pet, and I have many conservative friends." "Well," said the propriator," I have a parrot who speaks clearly and wit h a great deal of class." She approached the bird and said, " Hello." The response: "Hello, Madam, a pleasant day, what?" "Can you say more?" The parrot proceded to converse about politics, current events, and social issues. Thrilled, the lady said, "I'll take the bird!" When she took him home, she immediately invited her next-door neighbor to lunch. As soon as the woman came in the door, the parrot whistled a cat-call and let fly a string of obsenities. The owner was so shocked she grabbed the bird and stuck him in the refrigerator for one hour. Upon returning to his perch, the bird slowly opened one eye at a time an d gingerly grabbed his perch. "Whoa!" He thought. "I better be careful!" But soon after, the owner invited her bridge club over for tea. And at the appearance of the first guest, the parrot again let fly a cat-call and numerous embarrassing obsenities. This time, the owner grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer! After a half-hour, the bird was again placed on his perch, and slowly grabbing his perch with much pain, he opened one eye and saw the owner take a chicken from the freezer, turn the oven up to 400 degrees, and stick the chicken in. Holy *shit*," said the parrot. "I wonder what the fuck *he* said!" ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jul 1996 to 3 Jul 1996 ********************************************** -- End --