Date sent: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 02:00:02 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Jul 1996 to 4 Jul 1996 There are 12 messages totalling 336 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. This is colorful 2. A Personal Ad 3. Swimming lessons 4. Law on the March 5. Owls 6. Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 5 of 5 7. A good one liner reply 8. Church Poking 9. Clinton joke. (You know who's offended) 10. The Party of Hypocrisy 11. Twain-isms 12. Van der Merwe's Motel--maybe off. to Afrikaners ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 6 Jul 1996 07:34:00 -0700 From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: This is colorful >From my good friend Srini (srinir@ix.netcom.com) ************************************************************************* * : A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare Dear white fella Couple things you should know When I born, I black When I grow up, I black When I go in sun, I black When I cold, I black When I scared, I black When I sick, I black And when I die, I still black. You white fella When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you go in sun, you red When you cold, you blue When you scared, you yellow When you sick, you green And when you die, you grey. And you have the cheek to call me colored????? ************************************************************************ heh, heh, heh ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 07:52:50 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: A Personal Ad >Sent from Steven Willoughby ================================================= From the Personals: -------------------- SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy I'm a eight week old black labrador retriever. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Your shrink called. Your new personality is ready. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 15:43:39 GMT+0200 From: FIRES Subject: Swimming lessons Jaws and his little fish buddy were swimming near a beach when they saw this beautiful girl swimming naked passed them. His little buddy asked him : " Are you gonna chase her or what ? " Jaws said : " Watch and learn my little friend.." And in a flash he started chasing her. The girl saw this and started swimming towards the jetty, but still Jaws came closer and closer. The girl just made it to the jetty and jumped out of the water and ran away. Jaws came charging through the water and with a big bang he hit the jetty. As he was slowly swimming away his little buddy asked : " Jaws, being a big fish like you are, why didn't you just turn before you ran into the jetty ?" Jaws replied : " Have you ever tried to turn with a stiff finn !?." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 10:02:57 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Could You also Send up a Freshman as a Tutor? Pam Smart will be studying criminal justice at the University of Alabama. Smart is the high school teacher who seduced a 16-year-old student and persuaded him and his friends to kill her husband so that she could collect his insurance. Smart, who is serving a life sentence, received a scholarship to study via a correspondence course. She can't get a degree from her cell in a New York prison, but she will be able to learn something about the law. "She has a great interest in the law," says her lawyer, "especially since she feels her conviction was a miscarriage of justice." Source: Boston Globe ---------------------------------- Don't Tease Your Brother . . . Flatten Him! Two parents accused of forcing their 6-year-old twins to beat each other on videotape have been charged with child abuse and extortion. Gary and Tealisa Downes of Warren, MI videotaped the children kicking and hitting each other and pulling each other's hair. On the tape, you can hear Tealisa telling the girl to punch her brother. "I told you what to do, now do it. If he kicks your ass, I'm kicking yours." The boy suffered a split lip and a bloody nose, but neither child was injured. The parents explained that they made the tape to teach the children what could happen if they fight. Their lawyer, Michael Osaer, conceded that the Downses had not used good judgment, "but no parents are perfect." Bail was set at $250,000 apiece. Source: AP ------------------ If That's What It Takes to Keep Them off My Front Porch, So Be It Singapore authorities have sent a 72-year-old Jehovah's Witness to jail for owning a Bible and other banned books. Yu Nguk Ding, a member of the Christian sect for 39 years, was given the choice of paying a $500 fine or spending a week in jail. She chose prison. Singapore banned Jehovah's Witnesses in 1972, saying the sect's opposition to military service and oaths of allegiance undermines the draft laws and public order. Source: AP ------------------ Flash! Not a Good Idea to Smuggle Drugs into a Foreign Country! An American, who was caught with 20 pounds of marijuana at Tokyo's Narita International Airport, does not find Japanese jails to his liking. Kevin Neal Mara, 32, is serving a 4-year sentence at Fuchu prison. Mara complains that prison officials have placed him in leather restraints and placed in a protection cell for two days, during which time his hands were handcuffed behind his back. Once, when he opened his eyes during the reflection period before a meal, he received 10 days in solitary. Source: Washington Post --------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 10:26:42 EDT From: Gareth Clark Subject: Owls Two owls were playing pool. One potted the white ball. The other one said, "That's two hits". The first one said, "Two hits to who?" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 10:40:08 -0400 From: Curtis White Subject: Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 5 of 5 Blanche: Where's the ignition? John: On the dashboard! There! The key is in it. Blanche: Well, why do you have to lock it? Nobody's gonna steal your ignition. [motor starts smoothly] John: All right, ya got it started! Now, put it in first, let the clutch out easy, and you'll roll along smoothly and slowly. Blanche: [repeating for concentration] Easy... [sound of tires squealing, then collision and metal objects hitting the driveway] Blanche: John? Where are you? John: [quietly, with infinite exasperation] I'm in the glove compartment. Are you all right? Blanche: I'm fine. You're not hurt, are you, John? John: No, I'm not hurt, but the car's finished. Are ya satisfied now? Blanche: I just happened to think - today's Friday the 13th. John: [with the resignation of a condemned man] It wouldn't've made any difference. I'm a doomed man, Blanche. Blanche: I'm sorry, John, honest I am. John: Let's get out of this thing. Blanche: Have we got any insurance? John: No. [sound of door falling and hitting the driveway] Blanche: Please forgive me. John: Forget it. Blanche: I guess I don't deserve to live. I give you nothing but trouble. John: Don't talk, Blanche. Blanche: Why don't you punish me; get rid of me? Other men do it. I once read where a Russian farmer traded his wife for an old cow. Would you do that, John? John: [pause] Do what? Blanche: Trade me for an old cow? John: No. [pause] But I'd hate anybody to tempt me with a new Cadillac! Come on, Blanche, let's walk home. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 21:49:10 +0530 From: Sanjay Sahay Subject: A good one liner reply Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!" ;-) sanjana ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 13:35:01 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: Church Poking A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and whocreated all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife carefully and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off". ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 13:48:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Clinton joke. (You know who's offended) As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day, his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to expose the label. Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge genie appeared. "Thank you - oh, thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in. I've been in there for hundreds, yes, hundreds of years. As a expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish." Mr. Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for. "Peace in the Mideast!" he quickly replied. The genie seemed confused. "Mideast... Mideast... I can't seem to remember... can you help me out a little? The President quickly has a world map brought over and he carefully points out the affected area of the globe, recounting briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area. The genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yea. Now I remember. The Mideast! Whew. That's a tough one. You know, they've been fighting over there quite literally for millennia. I hate to admit it, but I think that's more than I can handle. I'm sorry. Can you wish for something else?" Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can think of only one other wish: "Could you make the American people like my wife?" The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let me see that map again." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 17:18:25 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: The Party of Hypocrisy Hypocrites have an optimistic, positive, and enthusiastic vision of America. Jealous people don't. The greatest danger to America is the American Jealous press. That is the cause of ill-informed, unwashed, warped malcontents electing too many nar-de-well Jealous politicians. Hypocrites believe good character is the most important quality of our leadership. Hypocrites are faithful to our civic duty to tell voters that Jealous Party politicians are adulterers, agnostics, anarchists, artists, atheists, baby-killers, bad-losers, big-spenders, bleeding-hearts, divorcees, drugies, drnks, educationists, evolutionists, failures, fakes, fan of Fidel Castro, fear-ongers, flakes, gossips, homosexuals, humanists, journalists, liars, liberals, libertines, malicious liars, monarchists, mud-throwers, perverts, rumor-mongers, scholars, slanders, taxers, thieves. Sometimes the truth hurts and we tell it like it is. Hypocrites based our arguments on the facts while the Jealous use envy, fear, hatred, lust, parliamentary procedure, and war to get their way. Jealous partisans get mad and start name-calling when confronted with the truth. Hypocrites know our facts. God is on our side. Hypocrites don't smile; we don't trust people who smile. We Hypocrites smirk. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 17:46:11 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Twain-isms Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many writings of Mark Twain. -- Only when a republic's _life_ is in danger should a man uphold his government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time. (Glances at History (suppressed)) -- It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. (More Tramps Abroad) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 17:16:20 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Van der Merwe's Motel--maybe off. to Afrikaners Question: What do the numbers 1066, 1492, and 1812 have in common? Answer: They are dates important in history. Wrong! They're adjacent rooms in Van der Merwe's motel. James A. Michener ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jul 1996 to 4 Jul 1996 **********************************************