Date sent: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 02:00:00 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1996 to 5 Jul 1996 There are 10 messages totalling 309 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. If Operating System were Beers 2. Running wild 3. Law on the March 4. Van der Merwe again--Maybe off. to Afrikaners 5. Theological Rumors 6. Old lady joke 7. Rubbers & blouses 8. How sweet it is! 9. Twain-isms 10. Fourth of July stupid question ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 06:02:55 -0400 From: gwen eckman Subject: If Operating System were Beers If Operating Systems Were Beers ------------------------------- DOS Beer Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Windows 3.1 Beer The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like a Mac Beer's can. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. OS/2 Beer Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. Windows 95 Beer You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Unix Beer Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the diffeent brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. AmigaDOS Beer The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. VMS Beer Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it. The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it. (author unknown) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 14:15:13 GMT+0200 From: FIRES Subject: Running wild This bigtime reporter was sent to dish-up a story about an ancient indian tribe. After a long trip she arrived at the camp. She was met by a couple of young kids and a few warriors. She decided to take a couple of interviews. Reporter : " I see you've got a of feather in your hair, I always wondered what that's for. " Warrior : " Not difficult, it shows how many wife me got.." A bit amused she went to the chief who was relaxing in his tee-pee. Reporter : " I see you've got plenty of feathers in your hair, why is that for ?" Chief : " It shows how many wife me got, I fuck all !" Reporter : " Don't be so god-damn hostile !!" Chief : " Oh...horse-style, dog-style any style, me fuck'em all !" Reporter : " Oh my dear !!!" Chief : " No fuck dear, arseholes too high and fuckers run too fast, no fuck dear !!" She left. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 08:51:18 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March I Didn't Hear Anybody Violating the Constitution Schools in Mississippi's Pontoc County thought they found a creative way to offer Bible classes without offending students who didn't want to participate. In second-grader Jason Herdahl's class, they forced the boy to sit there wearing headphones while the other children prayed. Now, after a two-year legal battle, a federal appeals court has ruled the practice unconstitutional, and the school will stop the classes. Source: AP ----------------- What Are You, Blind? Oh, You Are? Sorry. When Palermo, Sicily authorities cross-checked a list of disability-pension claimants with the city's drivers' records, they found that 40 people who claimed to be blind had no problem negotiating the city's hectic streets by car. The good news is that, on the whole, the blind drivers had excellent driving records. The bad news is that they've had their disability benefits suspended and may be prosecuted for fraud. Source: Reuters ------------------------- I'm Not Lost, Just Blasted. An cop, who tried to help a motorist he thought was lost, did not have probable cause to stop the car. Foxborough, MA officer Joseph McDonald saw Richard J. Canavan at 1:15 a.m. driving slowly and looking around, then making a U-turn through a gas station. The officer stopped Canavan, opened the car door, and asked if the driver was lost. Canavan wasn't lost but did get arrested when the officer smelled booze and noticed a case of empty beer bottles and an empty half-pint bottle of peppermint schnapps in the back seat. The Mass. Appeals Court said the Fourth Amendment prevents police from stopping motorists at will. Source: Commonwealth v. Canavan --------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 06:19:00 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Van der Merwe again--Maybe off. to Afrikaners Van der Merwe had a flagpole lying on the ground. He propped it in its hole, got a ladder and a tape measure and tried to climb up to measure it, but the flagpole fell down. Twice again he propped it up and tried to climb it. Finally a helper said, "Baas, why don't you measure it when it's on the ground?" and Van der Merwe said, "Stupid Fellow! I want to know its height, not its width." James A. Michener ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 09:51:43 -0400 From: Rel Davis Subject: Theological Rumors SEVEN THEOLOGICAL RUMORS TO SPREAD IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD... 1. The publishing house for the Jehovah's Witnesses is called the Watchtower Tract and Bible Society. Why? Well, many witches start every meeting by calling the "watchtowers" of each direction. (So, they say, do the Masons.) Now you know: Masons and Jehovah's Witnesses are just fronts for witchcraft! 2. A lot of fundamentalist churches talk about "sanctification" all the time. If you look at the word closely, SAncTificAtioN, you can plainly see the word "SATAN" spelled out. Sanctification is used by preachers who are really devil worshippers! 3. Most ministers use "Amen" a lot in their services, and at the end of all their prayers. If you look back to ancient Egypt you'll find that Egyptian priests always ended their prayers with "Amen" as well. This is because the Egyptian sun-god was named Amen (or Amon) and they constantly called out the name of their god. So-called Christian ministers are actually worshippers of ancient Egyptian gods! 4. The Bible plainly says to rest on the seventh day, the Sabbath or Saturday, but most Christian ministers insist on meeting on Sunday, the first day. Why? Well, as you noted above, most ministers really worship the sun god, so why not have services on the "day of the sun"? 5. In the Dark Ages, when the Church ruled Europe, it charged everyone a tax, called a "tithe," of ten percent of their income, to pay for protection. Later, when church and state were separated, the state took over levying the tax (to pay for police and military protection). Yet, many churches today still insist on making you pay your 10% tax, even though they no longer offer any protection at all! 6. In Old England, "Hel" was the name people gave the earth itself. When you died and were buried, they said you "went to Hel." The Churches, to frighten people into paying them the tithes (see 5 above), pretended "Hell" was a scary place of eternal torture. 7. A lot of fundamentalist preachers, especially Southern Baptist ones, preach a doctrine called "premillenialism" or "before the thousand years." This means that Christ will come to earth a thousand years before he's due to come! How can this be so? (After all, Christ can't arrive 1000 years before he arrives, can He?) These ministers actually await the coming of the Anti-Christ! Premillenialism is a code- word for people who worship the Anti-Christ. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 15:54:11 -0400 From: "Lloyd B. Abrams" Subject: Old lady joke Question: What does an old lady smell like? Answer: Depends... ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 16:31:03 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Rubbers & blouses This man goes into a department store and asks for a box of condoms. The saleslady offers him a box of assorted rainbow colored rubbers at half price and he takes it. Nine months later he returns and asks to buy a maternity blouse. "What bust?" asks the saleslady. "One of the goddam red ones", he replies. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 16:42:37 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: How sweet it is! Just me and Venus with 'naught between us but penis. The Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 17:08:24 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Twain-isms Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many writings of Mark Twain. -- The Country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing, it is the thing to watch over and care for and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous. (A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court) -- It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 11:47:34 EDT From: Seth Berger Subject: Fourth of July stupid question Does anyone ever wonder why we celebrate America's birthday with Chinese products(fireworks)???? ****Humor Digest is published daily @**** http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1262 ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jul 1996 to 5 Jul 1996 **********************************************