Date sent: Sat, 6 Jul 1996 02:00:01 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1996 to 6 Jul 1996 There are 11 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Alter boys 2. Blind Date 3. Two Horrid Puns 4. Stupid Fireworks Question 5. Golf Joke (Religious) 6. Republican slaughter 7. Stupid Fireworks Question II 8. ASSORTED HUMOR 9. Twain-isms 10. Part 1 of 12 "The Specialist" 11. In The News - Includes one bad pun ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 04:07:44 -0400 From: Greg Pomykala Subject: Alter boys Alter Boy? ~~~~~~~~ I saw a notice on a bulletin board in Church one day. It read; "All girls who want to be Alter boys please see the Minister- Dr. Smith after last Mass today" _\|||/_ Bye for now, (o o) Greg ! -----oOO-~(_)~-OOo----- Have a nice day! Humor Digest is published every day @ http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1262 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 13:08:47 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Blind Date The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 07:52:46 -0500 From: James Renken Subject: Two Horrid Puns Q: What do you call a 20 cent power cord? A: A cheap plug. ----- A UNIX system administrator named Kathy was having problems determining the disk usage on a server; she couldn't figure out what the system was telling her. So, she asked one of her fellow sysadmins how to read the output of this command. He said, "Kath, 'man du'." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 14:35:40 UT From: Robert Bess Subject: Stupid Fireworks Question >Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 11:47:34 EDT >From: Seth Berger >Subject: Fourth of July stupid question >Does anyone ever wonder why we celebrate America's birthday with Chinese >products(fireworks)???? ***** Actually, Seth, the most prestigeous makers of fireworks--those you are likely to see at large municipal displays, not in someone's backyard--are of Italian make. ...and Columbus is honored as the European discoverer of the Americas. Also, the Chinese did as much to settle the western coast of Northern America as any other ethnic group. Plus, Italian and Chinese foods are much more wholesome than your average hamburger and hotdog. ...which are really German. Oh Well, Bob. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 12:10:00 -0400 From: "jon (j.) bisbey" Subject: Golf Joke (Religious) Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf one day. When they teed off at the 18th hole, the scores were tied. Moses teed off first. He slices to the left, heading for the water. Moses lifts his club in the air, the water parts and the ball finally ends up on the green, 15 feet from the hole. Jesus is up next. He also slices left towards the water. When he raises his club into the air, the ball skips over the surface of the water and lands 5 feet from the hole. Finally, the old man tees off. Like the others, he slices left and raises his club. The ball is going over the water when a large fish jumps into the air and grabs it. An eagle descends and picks up the fish. As the eagle rises, it is hit by a lightening bolt. The fish is dropped. As the fish hits the green, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man and says "Great shot, Dad!" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 13:56:07 -0400 From: K-A Subject: Republican slaughter This is a multi-part message in MIME format. --------------71F5529478A7 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit [Author unknown] It all really just boils down to this: > > ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift > | chance | sword of death > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift > | | sword of death > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift > species | | sword of death > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift > | | sword of death > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift > | health care | sword of death > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95 > | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword) > ------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------71F5529478A7 Content-Type: message/rfc822 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Disposition: inline To: (silly people) From: skyk@fourgen.com (Sky Kruse) Subject: slaughtering like a madman Lest I be accused of being conservative, I thought I'd forward this. =) It all really just boils down to this: ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS ------------------------------------------------------------------- criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift | chance | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift species | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift | health care | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95 | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword) ------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There are TWO secrets to being successful. skyk@fourgen.com The first is never tell anyone EVERYTHING you know. kruse@compumedia.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Things in this world are very rarely black and white. Except Michael Jackson. --------------71F5529478A7-- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 13:18:22 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: Stupid Fireworks Question II 9:47 AM 7/4/96, Seth Berger wrote:>Does anyone ever wonder why we celebrate America's birthday with Chinese >products(fireworks)???? Another stupid question might be asked: Does anyone ever wonder if the Chinese ever eat chop suey? (I'm told the recipe originated here in America by an Anglo.) :>) **Keep smiling. Make people wonder what you've been up to.** ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 16:28:02 PST From: D S Paull Subject: ASSORTED HUMOR I was so shocked when I was born, I didn't say a word for a year and a half! Lincoln traveled twenty miles to borrow a book, so why do they close libraries on his birthday? A youngster asked his sunday school teacher, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" The teacher said, "I imagine he did." The kid asked, "With only two worms?" A lot of people think they're famous, when it's actually just a slow news day. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 18:19:48 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Twain-isms Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many writings of Mark Twain. -- Haint we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) [NOTE: "Hain't" is an old rural contraction for "ain't" or "haven't"] -- Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 19:37:21 -0500 From: Marcus Parsons Subject: Part 1 of 12 "The Specialist" Foreword Humor when enjoyed to the full, is that which is based upon events, experiences, or intimate knowledge of the subject described; or a mixture of all three. And if the subject is one which is not usually discussed, yet is of a character incident to the home life of each family, that, also, adds to the zest with which one listens to the story told; or if printed, intensifies the interest of the reader. In "The Specialist" is sought to portray generally - known - but - seldom - mentioned incidents of every day life. And what could be a better vehicle for the presentation than the voluble and cock-sure specialist? We have all met the super-serious individual, utterly devoid of the sense of humor, on whose shoulders rests the responsibility for the success of your business and mine. Out of his unwarranted seriousness -- to those who recognize the artfulness of the visionary -- comes mirth, and laughter and -- side-aches. This little story has been spoken by the author to numerously attended gatherings in different sections of the country for several years past -- to the great delight of his hearers. It has been put in permanent form at the suggestion of many friends, with whom the author joins in the hope that it may afford some measure of enjoyment to those under whose eye it may fall. St. Louis, January, 1929 -- The Specialist -- By Charles (Chic) Sale, St. Louis vaudevillian and rural character impersonator. You've heard a lot of pratin' and prattlin' about this bein' the age of specialization. I am a carpenter by trade, could build a house, barn, church, chicken coop, etc. I seen the need of a specialist in my line; I studied her; I got her; she's mine. Gentlemen, you are face to face with the champion privy builder of Sangamon County, Illinois. ---To be continued-- Marc Parsons, mparsons@mail.win.org, St. Charles, MO ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 22:05:25 -0700 From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Includes one bad pun In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times Warning - may be offensive to the President of the United States of America, parent murderers, statutory rapists, smokers, Southern California drivers A belated happy Fourth of July to all. President Clinton lit the fireworks at the White House last night - but don't worry, he didn't inhale. Motorola announced it will fire any worker the third time they are caught smoking, even if on their own time. They're calling the policy Three Lucky Strikes and You're Out. The FDA plans to confirm that oral contraceptives can be used as a morning after pill. Announcements will be handeled by the "Leggo My Eggo" people. Joey Buttafuoco and his wife are moving to Los Angeles to further his career in show biz. His agent said the New York market is just too flooded with statutory rapist auto mechanics. Avis has been purchased for $800 million. Negotiations almost came to a halt when Avis tried to force the buyer to take the insurance. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that strawberries with parasites may be causing some people to suffer diarrhea. The American Prune Council is considering an infringement suit. Microsoft's new online magazine, Slate, presents at least one technical challenge. How do you download the fragrance samples? The California Supreme Court has outlawed the state lottery's Keno game. I guess this means people in bars will be fored to make conversation. Laguna Beach, California, is working to control fire danger by having goats eat excess brush. Goats? I thought only ewes can prevent forest fires. A project is beginning in San Diego, California, to test a "driverless" freeway system. This is great! With both hands free, it will be so much easier to reload. And finally, I will leave you with three worsds - Menendez. Shotgun wedding. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Jul 1996 to 6 Jul 1996 **********************************************