Date: Fri, 02 Aug 96 08:14:23 CET From: UGA Humor List Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1996 to 2 Aug 1996 There are 14 messages totalling 463 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Humor: Interesting Facts 2. KISSES & KISSING, No. 2 [Clean] 3. Newfie Joke (shouldn't offend Newfoundlanders who are a pretty thick-skinned lot by all accounts) 4. Feeling Underpaid? 5. Jesse the Farmer 6. bible jokes (poss. off. to fundies) 7. Law on the March (2) 8. The Operation 9. A couple of short ones 10. C&W Song Titles (off. to C&W Fans) 11. Riddle (offensive to men) 12. Oylimbic notes 13. The list ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 07:25:29 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Interesting Facts >Sent From ArtHill@msn.com Sat Mar 30 23:54:48 1996 =================================================== Throughout numerous cultures, the concept of the devil has been a constant, yet his name has varied. For instance, In German legend he has been called Krumnase meaning "crooked nose", Ziegenbart meaning "goatbeard", Spiegelglanz meaning "mirror-sight" and finally Shortzenanklez meaning "guy with shorts around his ankles". Where the odds of getting hit by lightning are almost 1 in a million, the odds are only 1 in 5 that some day you'll get rear-ended in a parking lot by a guy named "Herb". Although hard to believe, of 1000 proctologists polled, over 79% say that in any given work day, they use the word "AND" far more than they use the word "BUT". Of 3 million women movie-goers polled, 2.1 million stated that what a date orders at the snack bar can provide an initial indication of that person as a sexual partner. All 2.1 million stated that a date who orders Goobers has "no chance in hell." In 1994, over 39 million Americans borrowed tools from their next door neighbors. To date, only 6 have been returned. Most people know that the currencies of Japan and England are the "yen" and the "pound", respectively. But most people don't know that the basic unit of currency for the country of Yemen is the "dungbuck". Mary Mallon, a cook who lived in New York City around 1900, was identified as a chronic carrier of the typhoid bacilli. She was the cause of at least 53 outbreaks of typhoid fever and hence became known as "Typhoid Mary." She is not to be confused with "Buffoon Tyler", a man who lived in New Jersey in the early seventies, who constantly wore his shorts over his pants. Mildred Farmer was a baker of connfections in Dorchester, Massachusetts in the late 1800s. While contemporary history remembers her as a charmingly maternal figure, she was actually a visciously competitive woman who would sneek into her competitors' kitchens and sit on their chocolate creations with her bare buttocks, hence earning her the nickname "Fanny". In the 1960's and 1970's, scientists conducted experiments on how different forms of music affected plant development. They found that plants exposed to classical music responded most favorably with lush and abundant growth and good root development. Jazz music produced a slight increase in growth. Exposure to country music brought about no significant changes. And last, but not least, those plants exposed to acid rock were quickly picked and smoked. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Catscan - a hi-tech device for examining cats. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 07:22:30 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: KISSES & KISSING, No. 2 [Clean] I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing? Jonathan Swift High heels, according to Christopher Morley, were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Kissing don't last, dear; cookery do. Mrs. Berry ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 14:47:47 UT From: Robert Bess Subject: Newfie Joke (shouldn't offend Newfoundlanders who are a pretty thick-skinned lot by all accounts) paraphrased liberally from my recollection of reading "The Shipping News" by E. Annie Proulx It's not unusual to see even the toughest of Newfound fishermen bent over a pair of knitting needles clicking away at a scarf, pair of mittens, or such on an icebound winter day; one has to be good with ropes and knots to sail boats and repair nets. Besides, a well-make, heavy knit sweater commands quite a commission in one of those "Authentic Newfoundlander Crafts" shops in Canada's metropolitan areas. One seasoned seaman reluctantly gave up the fishing season to drive a container truck back and fourth from Saint Johns to Montreal. He didn't give up on his hobby though, and could finish a garment with his hands thrust through the steering wheel on the road from the coast to Quebec. So deeply was he engrossed in his work one day that he ignored the posted speed limit and soon had a mounty in a patrol car tailing him, siren blaring and lights flashing. On he drove, knitting away without so much as even a glance in the rear view. After a mile or two of this the officer grew livid, finally driving abreast of the cab, rolling down his window and bellowing, "PULLOVER!" The trucker, finally noticing the irate officer, calmly rolled down his own window and replied, "Ar, there your wrong my son. It's a cardigan." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 12:29:12 -0400 From: gwen eckman Subject: Feeling Underpaid? Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game. Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day(working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while asleep. If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. And something to cheer you up after all of this. . . Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 10:36:41 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: Jesse the Farmer At two o'clock in the morning, Jesse the farmer was kicked out of a bar, drunk as usual. Trying to find his way home through the dark streets of town, he staggered along until he lurched into a nun. The wobbly drunkard immediately lunged at the poor woman, twisted her arm, threw her to the ground and pinned her down. Several passerby heard the disturbance and rushed to assist the downed woman. As they puled the thrashing farmer off her, he screamed, "I thought you'd be stronger than that, Batman!" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 11:48:18 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: bible jokes (poss. off. to fundies) From: ginger rinkevich What's the first sign of football in the bible? Jesus going for the cross. What's the first sign of foul play in the bible? Jesus going for the cross and getting nailed. What's the first sign of drugs in the bible? Moses came down from the mountain with the tablets. What's the first sign of the high jump in the bible? Jesus cleared the temple. What's the first sign of drink in the bible? Mary Magdalen got stoned in the temple. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 16:23:32 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Some People Are Never Satisfied Hayward, CA officials were delighted at first when the Aqua Avenger started his crusade to wipe out graffiti in the San Francisco Bay town. A mysterious person was covering graffiti with bright aqua-blue paint. Then, officials decided the blue paint was a bid flashy, and appealed through local media for the avenger to switch to earth tones. When the avenger didn't respond and kept giving the town the blues, officials asked police to find him and confiscate his paint. Source: AP ------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 16:21:28 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March He's the One Who Sold His Reputation for Thirty-Two Cents. Former Rep. Joseph P. Kolter is going to jail for stealing postage stamps from the House post office and selling them for personal cash. In all, Kolter stole about $9,000 worth of stamps and vouchers and will do six months in prison. Source: AP ------------------ I Know You Are but What Am I It was not illegal for a truck driver to call two gay men sissies, according to a New Jersey court. Bobbie Crawford, 55, remarked about two fellow members of a car club, "Here comes sissy No. 1 and sissy No. 2." The men pressed charges under a New Jersey bias crimes law, but a judge said Crawford's conduct was not serious enough to merit punishment. Source: AP ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 19:30:58 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: The Operation Old Doctor: I operated on the mayor last week. Young Doctor: What for? Old Doctor: A thousand dollars. Young Doctor: What did he have? Old Doctor: A thousand dollars. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 01:57:30 GMT From: Jerry Alan Cole Subject: A couple of short ones I heard this first one from a comedian named Kristin Chickalella, I assume that she wrote it-but who knows? The Olympic basketball game between The United States and Indonesia had to be postponed. The Indonesians had not finished making the Americans' sneakers. Graffiti There is a diner on Route 23 in Cedar Grove, NJ called "The Pilgrim Diner." Until a few years ago, the men's room contained a condom dispenser. With a wide felt-tip marker, someone had scribbled on the dispenser "This gum is Stale". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 22:36:07 -0400 From: Greg Pomykala Subject: Re: C&W Song Titles (off. to C&W Fans) C&W Song Titles (off. to my fellow C&W fans) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here are some that Greg Pollack didn't know about ....... "She broke my Heart, So I broke her Jaw" "If I tell you that you have a beautiful body-will you hold it against Me?" "She got the house, The kids and The truck-but I got the Dog!" "Waitin' for her to hurt me a'gin-so's I can write another #1 Song" "My Woman's nowa' pumpin' a fire fighter-so I went back to My Little Sis". "She just married me fer the tires on my trailer!" "The minister kept a'hittin my bride with a fly swatter all during the weddin'?" "You only hurt the ones you love-'cause somebody put sand in the vaseline!" "Why would she leave me when I have over $60.00 in the bank?" "I offered her my Heart and she gave me the finger!" "I 'relize now - Yer too ugly to forget" "She said I don't satisfy her, like the Mechanical Bull !" One of the 'younguns' is really mine !" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 03:41:41 GMT From: Louie Schimenti Subject: Riddle (offensive to men) Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they're pigs. -- Louie Schimenti e-mail: schimenti@usa.pipeline.com lschimenti@juno.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 23:50:59 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: Oylimbic notes Hey, I made it to the Atlanta Olympics. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has a column called the vent. Readers phone (404-222-8338) in comments. I've selected a few examples from today's column (Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, page 36). These are the ones I thought were the most humorous. You know you're in trouble when your ACOG bus driver has to stop at Texaco and ask for directions. I'm envious of all the people enjoying their Olympic experience as we have a rellative who is the house guest from hell. Real men don't do synchronized swimming. If beach volleyball is an Olympic sport, I think Frisbee should be one too. Boy, I miss all you hunky Olympic construction guys. Will you be back to help tear everything down? To the Centennial Park bomber: Now that you've accomplished all you're going to in you pathetic life, you can die happy. Might I suggest exhaust fumes? Either chivalry is making a comeback or I'm starting to look pretty old. Three men stood up on MARTA and gave me their seats today. Some of the men's gymnastics routines should have an X rating. The reason you think all the visitors from Africa, Asia and Europe haven't been rude is because is because they're speaking in another language, stupid. The world is in love with Bob Costas. Dump Izzy and make Janet Evans the new official mascot of the '96 Olympic Games. I'd like to thank the tourist downtown who bought my Opening Ceremonies pin for $500. I am a fashion model from Cincinnati, and I flashed a smile at a guard at the Main Press Center. He blushed so hard that he forgot to check my bag. Thank God that I am in the fashion business instead of the terrorist business. If the track coaches don't pick Carl Lewis for the relay, they should have to listen to him sing the Star Spangled Banner in a locked room. I had a dream last night that I was Alexi Niemov's pommel horse. Preliminary springboard diving competition vs. gold medal softball game? You be the judge. (Note: Softball is probably the number one adult participation soft in America. Of course, NBC showed the diving prelims and then showed highlights of the softball. US beat China for the gold medal).. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 22:56:52 -0500 From: Jim Riley Subject: The list I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn medicine chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course, we don't want to feel too threatened. So that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first off put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non tri-pods, but what the hell. Here goes. Here's what men want from women. One through Ten: ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes. All right? Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it. TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on. All right. Very simple. Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk. THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of num-chucks, all right? FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' or 'Scarface' with me for the fifty-seventh time? FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know I'll betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass." SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at The Drink when I was single. SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting. EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai. All right? NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?" TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blow job once in a while. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Aug 1996 to 2 Aug 1996 **********************************************