Date: Sat, 03 Aug 96 08:00:44 CET From: UGA Humor List Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1996 to 3 Aug 1996 There are 11 messages totalling 469 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Preparation for parenthood 2. Humor: Drinkers Fault Finding Guide 3. Words of Wisdom 4. Law on the March 5. Science 6. Polish Airplane (offensive to Polish People) 7. Bear In the Woods {adult theme} 8. Birds on a Wire < suggestive > 9. Twain-isms 10. More Country and Western song titles 11. The Art of Insult [offensive to no one] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 09:43:54 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Preparation for parenthood I am posting this on behalf of David Dietz (dmdeitz@juno.com), who is not (as yet) a contributor to this list. Preparation for Parenthood **************************** Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers. 3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect! 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. 12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 07:28:16 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Drinkers Fault Finding Guide >Sent From anng@efficient.com Mon Apr 1 09:00:47 1996 ====================================================== The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide ================================ Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Room is spinning. Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool. Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Sympton : Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You're at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- When in doubt, drink heavily. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 09:44:27 EDT From: Gareth Clark Subject: Words of Wisdom - All generalisations are false. - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - I love cats. They taste just like chicken. - The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. - Conserve toilet paper. Use both sides. - I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. - Save a tree. Eat a Beaver. - Work is for people who don't know how to fish. - Sex is a misdemeanour. The more I miss it, the meaner I get. - I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. - Nobody's ugly after 2am. - Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. - Real women don't have hot flushes. They have *power surges*. - Where there's a will, I want to be in it! - If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? - I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it! - Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control! - It's lonely at the top. But at least you eat better. - A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. - Give me ambiguity or give me something else. - We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. - He who laughs last, thinks slowest. - Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else! - Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 12:27:59 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Man Blows Nose Thousands Dead. The Arapahole County bomb squad kept Nicolas Villarruel's nose from exploding. The Colorado man works at a machine that loads a small explosive charge into the device that sets off air bags in cars. When the machine exploded, one of the charges, equal to about five fire crackers, got stuck in his nose. The bomb squad escorted him to the hospital. Doctors had to keep his head under water during part of the operation, because air activates the explosive charges. "We were all on edge," said Dr. Michael Gordon after the successful surgery. If the charge had exploded, Villarruel could have been killed. Source: Reuters ------------------------ I Thought He Had My Eyes, but Now He Has My Money Jonathan Richardson paid child support for nine years before he found out that he wasn't the father of the child. Then, he wanted his money back. The MA Supreme Judicial Court ruled that the father had agreed to pay support to avoid a paternity suit. Because he hadn't contested paternity before, he wasn't entitled to a refund now. Source: AP ------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 12:52:13 -0400 From: Nathan Faut Subject: Science >From the book, Dr. Science's Big Book of Science Simplified, used without permission: ----- Q: I recently saw the movie, Humanoids of the Deep, which made me wonder, will the dumping of toxic waste speeed up human mutations? A: I'm glad you wrote. As you may or may not know, I get most of my inforamtion about human evolution from movies, especially those movies that star Doug McClure. My experience has been that movie producers, being relatively unevolved humans, have an angle on human evolution that science just doesn't have. Yes, Hollywood's image of a world gone mad, filled with creatures from the black lagoon, irradiated astronauts, humanoids, androids, and cyborgs, seems pretty much to conform to reality. Even if it doesn't, any movie starring Doug McClue is worth taking a look at. Q: If Brussels sprouts are sprouts, what do they grow up to be? A: Brussels sprouts refuse to grow up. This hideous life form has baffled science for years. Children and dogs, sensitive to evil, refuse to eat Brussels sprouts. The Latin name for the Brussels sprout is Vegetus Infernus or "leafy thing from hell". The first botanist to identify the sprout said it came from the "nether regions". An inept lab assistant changed this to the "Netherlands", and this was further corrupted to "Brussels". As to their being sprouts, they have been seen sprouting from harmless broccoli, which leads me to believe they might be a type of fungus. Whatever they are, they don't grow up, and neither will you if you eat them. Q: Can you describe in scientific terms the workings of a lava lamp? A: Yes, I can and I will. The lava lamp contains a small blob of DNA floating in a solution of RNA. These primitive laboratories for life are activated by a simple sixty-watt bulb. Warmed, the blob starts swimming, hunting, yearning -- hoping to fill the empty spot inside. Driven by the four horsemen (remorse, terror, greed, and, of course, envy), this blob opts to remain ever unevolved. You see, lava lamps are creatures without the courage to be truly alive. Like college professors, they remain forever in a tepid amniotic limbo. They provide little in the way of illumination and are stared at by adolescents with nothing better to do. ----- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 16:17:25 -0400 From: Greg Pollock Subject: Polish Airplane (offensive to Polish People) Q: How can you tell a polish airplane in a snowstorm? A: Its the plane with the chains on the propellers. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 16:18:22 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Bear In the Woods {adult theme} A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 15:30:25 -0600 From: Chris Twichell Subject: Birds on a Wire < suggestive > An elementary school math teacher asks her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?" One little boy says two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, says, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Johnny, however, disagrees. He says, "No, teacher, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." "OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasts Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replies, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." Johnny says, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think." Christopher A. Twichell "To infinity and beyond!!" tazmania@mail.utexas.edu http://www.ece.utexas.edu/~twichell ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 17:19:35 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Twain-isms Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many writings of Mark Twain. It's interesting to note that he could (sometimes) seem to contradict himself. -- Work consists of whatever a body is _obliged_ to do....Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. (The Adventures of Tom Sawyer) -- The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. (The New York Times, November 26, 1905) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 17:29:56 -0400 From: "Thomas E. Foster" Subject: More Country and Western song titles Some more titles in addition to the last two contributions: I don't mind if you lie to me, as long as I ain't lyin' alone I wouldn't take you to a dog fight even if I thought you could win If you leave me, walk out backwards so I'll think you're comin' in My John Deere was breaking your field while your dear john was breaking my heart Touch me in that old familiar way and I'll break your old familiar hand Get off the stove, Mother, you're too old to be riding the range Don't cry, Little Darlin', you're waterin' my beer Tennis must be your racket 'cause love means nothing to you Each man leaves his footprints in the sands of time, but I'll leave my mark as a heel When you say you love me, you're full of prunes, 'cause living with you is the pi ts I've got red eyes from your white lies and I'm blue all the time I can't get over you, so I get up and go around the other side If you won't leave me alone, I'll find someone who will I us'ta kiss her mouth, but it's all over now She was a girl who lost her honor, so he got honor back I knew that you'd committed a sin when you came home late with your socks outside in I've got a strong right to love you with a week left to live I'm a rabbit in the headlights of your love Don't kick my tires if you ain't gonna take me for a ride He was lawyer who couldn't pass a bar I liked you better before I knew you so well I still miss you, Baby, but my aim's gettin' better ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 17:43:13 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: The Art of Insult [offensive to no one] The art of insult is one of the oldest forms of repartee. Perhaps the finest of all examples of the retort discourteous is the one uttered by the Greek philosopher Diogenes to Alexander the Great. Seeing the impoverished philosopher with no more possessions than a large bath tub ["Eurika, I have found it", he said, when he located the slippery the bar of soap.], the world-conquering Alexander required, "Is there something I can do for you?" "Yes," replied Diogenes, "stand out of my sun." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Aug 1996 to 3 Aug 1996 **********************************************