Date: Sun, 04 Aug 96 08:05:25 CET From: UGA Humor List Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Aug 1996 to 4 Aug 1996 There are 6 messages totalling 168 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Art of Insult--2 [still and always, clean] 2. Master piece (potentially offensive to women) 3. Dirty Joke 4. That's a Bad Hook 5. 10 Reasons Dole will not pick Speaker Gingrich for Veep 6. In The News - Olympics, American politics ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 23:32:05 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: The Art of Insult--2 [still and always, clean] Almost 2000 years after the art of insult mentioned yesterday by Diogenes to Alexander the Great, the art had reached devistating and almost fatal viciousness. The antagonism between Britisher William Pitt, the first Earl of Chatham, and Robert Walpole, Earl of Oxford, lead to some of the most severe diatribes ever recorded. The climax was reached when, after a particularly heated speech, Walpole and Pitt met outside of Parliament. The older man furiously taunted the younger. Said Walpole, "You will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease!" "That, my Lord," replied Pitt, depends upon whether I embrase your policies or your mistress." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 00:02:26 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Master piece (potentially offensive to women) [Thanks to ginger rinkevich] In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen?" "That't correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red; she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class never to return. As she was going out the door, the totally straight-faced professor answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue." > > > Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 11:41:01 -0400 From: Brian Weston Subject: Dirty Joke Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? A: The Head Nurse. Constructive Comments? Cool Chatter? Email me at westonb@athena.sunyocc.edu ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 14:44:05 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: That's a Bad Hook After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 00:19:22 -0400 From: George Hughes Subject: 10 Reasons Dole will not pick Speaker Gingrich for Veep Top Ten Reasons Bob Dole will not select Newt Gingrich for Vice President: 10. Newt talks too much, say too little.. 9. Newt inhales when he smokes marijuana. 8. Newt couldn't get tenure at West Georgia College. 7. Newt think Alvin Toffler is an intellectual. 6. Newt is a deadbeat dad. 5. Newt is a draft dodger. 4. Newt acts like he is more important than Bob. 3. Newt is fat--fat stomach, fast ass, fat head. 2. Newt doesn't know how to shoot a gun. 1. Newt has never been more popular than Hillary. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 22:39:02 -0700 From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Olympics, American politics In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times Includes quotes from Jay Leno May be offensive to women, men, OJ Simpson, Robert Downey Jr., lawyers Olympic Update Shannon Miller won the gold medal on the balance beam. She suspended herself upside down, did three flips and somehow rolled backward onto her feet. Kind of reminds me of Robert Downey Jr. getting out of his car. These games have the most female athletes ever. I think this is terrific. I can't tell you, as a guy, how refreshing it is to see women on TV swimming, playing tennis and horseback riding, and not talking about how FRESH they feel. (Leno) Background checks of security guard Richard Jewell, suspected by the media in the Centinnial Park bombing, reveal that he was once fired for being "too enthusiastic" about his duties. Hey, it's the 90's. Being excited about your job is a sign of emotional instability. The Olympic Village actually has a gender testing center, where they make sure athletes are the gender they claim to be. Why can't we get one of those on Hollywood Boulevard? (Leno) Actually, if you really want to find out if female athletes are really males - toss a TV remote into the locker room and see who scrambles for it. I saw on TV the other night that OJ Simpson was at the Olympics... if that doesn't get the women track stars to run faster... (Leno) Canada's Olympians had to sign a celibacy pact before the games. Going without sex has taught them an important lesson. They've found out what married life is all about. In other news... President Clinton said he will sign the welfare reform bill because "the good outweighs the bad." Maybe he should make that his campaign slogan. A truck full of Calvin Klein jeans was hijacked on a California highway and the company is offering $5,000 for information. The bandits have been described as armed and extremely trendy. A survey showed that only 6% of Americans refer to their homes as their "castle", but 52% call it "the money pit", 28% call it "mortgageland" and 14% call it "where my ex-wife lives". The IRS has announced plans to derease its total staff by 5,000 people. They insist it's not a layoff, it's a deduction. Researchers have found the gene that controls hair growth in men. It was difficult to locate - it was underneath the gene that makes men spray paint their bald spot. Jim Carrey's next movie, "Liar, Liar", is about a lawyer who must tell the truth for 24 hours. And you thought the special effects in "Independence Day" were amazing! And finally, according to a new study, the "terrible twos" may have more to do with parenting than with the age of a child. The study was conducted by the University of No We've Never Had A Child Of Our Own. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Aug 1996 to 4 Aug 1996 **********************************************