Date: Mon, 05 Aug 96 08:03:07 CET From: UGA Humor List Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1996 to 5 Aug 1996 There are 6 messages totalling 199 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Politician's Underwear (possible offensive) 2. Early 20's Humor [May be offensive to anti "black-face"] 3. Hardware 4. shepard's preferences (clean) 5. Useful research phrases 6. Olympic Digest (fwd) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 00:58:36 -0700 From: Eric Clark Subject: Politician's Underwear (possible offensive) Many of us have heard the story of the time in 1992 when Clinton went on Mtv and some girl asked him "America is _dying_ to know: Is it boxers, or briefs?" The candidate then feigned embarrassment and said "Boxers." In 1995, some guy decided to ask Speaker Newt the same question. Newt appropriately answered back "That was a stupid question." This year, someone decided that America must know what citizen Dole wears. "Is it boxers, or briefs?" With a straight face he answered back, "Depends..." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 07:29:26 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Early 20's Humor [May be offensive to anti "black-face"] This skit is as old as the hills! My Grandpa Dennis who was born in 1864 used to visit us in Northern Missouri in the 1920s and he would always bring his prized portable, wind-up HMV Victrola [phonograph player] and some records, always comedy. His favourite, and ours, were "The Black Crows" who were probably a vaudville group. There was a whole skad of these records. We told a lot of the jokes to our children, but never laid hands on any of these old antique records. Our son Dennis, living in Vietnam, organized a humor net there, a sister to this Humornet. He was one of the chief contributers, and the one I am putting on here in his name was one that he wrote. He has changed the story somewhat from the way we told it to him, and I am sure we made unconscious changes in it to the kids. I hope none on the net will object to the ethnic humor involved. I think this was an American classic, just like the Negro spirituals that enrich our culture and "Amos and Andy" who made radio great in its early days. BTW, Dennis is moving to New Delhi this month, and I imagine he will get a sister humor net started there; hopefully we can share things back and forth. Here it is in his words. Of course if any remember the original, much of the rich vernacular is missing! - - - - -- Lion Training Bob: "You're out of work again?! What about that job I got you training lions?" Joe: "Well that just didn't work out very well." Bob: "You just didn't understand your job. Here's what you gotta do. Early in the morning you take a big piece of meat down to the lion cage and give it to him. Then you get inside the cage with the lion and you take that piece of meat away from the lion, look him straight in the eye and make him believe you aren't afraid of him." Joe: "I just couldn't be so deceitful....No, there's gotta be a better way. I remember the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den. Why he got in there with those hungry lions and spent the night with them and those lions didn't even hurt him." Bob: "Oh, behave yourself! Those were just old circus lions!" Joe: "No, they weren't. This was way back in B.C." Bob: "B what?? Joe: "B.C., before circuses!" - - - - - Dennis Tidwell [address on request] ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 12:35:21 -0400 From: "Thomas E. Foster" Subject: Hardware This was sent to me by my ex-wife some time ago: People underestimate the value of hardware. After all, a thumbtack is an easy thing to take for granted. Yet Farrah Fawcett would have sold very few posters had it not been for the lowly thumbtack. Nails, of course, have been invaluable throughout history. For want of nail, a horse was lost. And for want a horse, the Vietnam war was lost, among with parts of Eastern Europe. Rivets, too, are a sadly neglected item. You may not of realized this, bu t not one state in the union has a rivet Appreciation Day. Sometimes, it's important to stop and reassess our values. A simple washe r can make a real difference in our life. And a good screw is something we should never take for granted. You've been on my mind. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 14:42:21 PST From: D S Paull Subject: shepard's preferences (clean) From: cristi@nada.kth.se (Cristian Bogdan) Romania has a long sheep raising tradition, so that there are lots of jokes with the cool and patient shepards. Here is one: A journalist interviews a shepard. They are both looking to the sheeps eating grass. Sunny day in the mountains. journalist: Which sheeps are giving more milk? shepard (as if it was obvious): Well, the white ones! j: What about the black ones? s (kind of accepting): Well, the black ones too... j: Which sheeps are giving more wool? s: Well, the white ones! j: What about the black ones? s: Well, the black ones too... j: Eeerr, which sheeps are giving more meat? s: Well, the white ones! j: What about the black ones? s: Well, the black ones too... j (nervous): Come on, you are telling me that the white sheeps are giving more milk, more wool, more everything, and than you say that the black ones give as much as whites. What's so special with the white sheeps? s: Well, the white one are mine! j: What about the black ones? s: Well, the black ones too... ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 21:10:51 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Useful research phrases The following are a few extracts from "A Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases." I have no idea where these originated; indeed, I am not even sure the Dictionary exists. There are many such lists passed around among graduate students and you may have read it before but here it is again. "It has long been known" . . . [I didn't look up the original reference.] "A definite trend is evident" . . . [These data are practically meaningless.] "Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . . [Interesting to me.] "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions" . . . [An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.] "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . . [The results of the others didn't make any sense.] "Typical results are shown" . . . [The best results are shown.] "These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . . [I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.] "The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . . [He was my graduate assistant.] "It is believed that" . . . [I think] "It is generally believed that" . . . [A couple of other guys think so, too.] "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding occurs" . . . [I don't understand it.] "Correct within an order of magnitude" . . . [Wrong] "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigations in this field" . . . [This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic.] "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . . [Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.] "A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . . [Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.] ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 22:45:00 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Olympic Digest (fwd) [Thanks to ginger rinkevich] The ultimate t-shirt for the Atlanta Games: "If you want to defect, I'm single." = = = = = = = The newest t-shirt coming out of Atlanta says: "I went to Atlanta looking for gold and all I got was this piece of shrapnel." = = = = = = = This morning (7/27) CBS radio sports announced the results of the following event: "women's coxless rowing." = = = = = = = Any idea when terrorist bombings will become a more than just an exhibition sport? = = = = = = = Q: Why isn't Cuba entered in any of the Olympic rowing events? A: Because any Cuban who can row already lives in Florida. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Aug 1996 to 5 Aug 1996 **********************************************