Date: Tue, 06 Aug 96 08:15:10 CET From: UGA Humor List Subject: HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1996 to 6 Aug 1996 There are 15 messages totalling 518 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Riddle (offensive to Microsoft fans) 2. King Carl & Olympics 3. Humor: Lawyer Jokes 4. Nagesh Gadamsetty's Chinese Laundry 5. Taco Bell 6. At the bank [clean] 7. Backstage in Amateur theater {long} 8. HUMOR weekly traffic report 9. The family stress test... 10. Humor (offensive to special ed folks) 11. Man walks into a bar...{off. to zoophiles} 12. miscommunication (off. to women and Filipinos) 13. A Nun's Story 14. Q & A..... (off to women). 15. Equal rights for men ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 09:44:13 +0100 From: Jagannatha Rao Oruganty Subject: Riddle (offensive to Microsoft fans) From: NAME: K5/ESK-Jagannatha Rao FUNC: K5/ESK TEL: 0711/811-2559 To: NAME: Humor <"humor@uga.cc.uga.edu"@smtp> Q: A person has got a PC with Windows installed on it. Not satisfied with his monitor, he decides to buy a Super VGA monitor with 16 Million Colors resolution. He buys the same and then runs Windows. What does he get ? A: He gets "New Light thru Old Windows". ----------------------------------------------------------- --)Juggy(-- "Microsoft hard at times!!" ----------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 08:25:29 -0400 From: Lee Bradley Subject: King Carl & Olympics I noticed the other night on TV that the Ghana 4 x 100m relay team members were protesting prior to the start of the race. I learned that they were opposed to officials' decision not to allow Carl Lewis to run on THEIR team! After all, he was, for Ghana, too, an unindicated co-runner! Note for the unsportsperson-like: Carl Lewis is a great runner who, having failed to make the USA's 4x100m relay team, tried to wheedle his way onto the team after he had gotten his 9th gold medal by winning the long jump. After all the pressure put on track coach Irv H. by the representatives of the media to kick off a qualifier and add Carl, the coach is to commended for sticking to his guns and running those guys who DID qualify. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 07:24:37 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Lawyer Jokes READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS Note to all readers: Last week I sent out a message entitled "Engineers Explained". I have since learned that this was written by Scott Adams. Scott is the author of the famed "Dilbert" cartoon. The "Engineers Explained" message was taken from his recent book "The Dilbert Principle". Scott has asked that this message cease its trip through cyperspace. If you have this message, Scott is asking that you delete it and do not continue to forward it. This is copyrighted material and Scott does have the right to demand this. Now on with today's bit of humor. READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS READ THIS >Sent From gevans@onramp.net Tue Apr 2 18:29:20 1996 ===================================================== Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. A3: Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetary. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- If lawyers make the laws, the laws will benefit lawyers. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 13:09:03 GMT From: "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Nagesh Gadamsetty's Chinese Laundry This was posted by Ananda Vardhan on another list. A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Nagesh Gadamsetty's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Nagesh Gadamsetty. "How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind an Indian. When asked his name, the Indian replied, "Nagesh Gadamsetty." When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, He replied, "Sam Ting." ----------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 08:32:52 -0600 From: Chris Twichell Subject: Taco Bell This one is real life: On Sunday I went to a Taco Bell to get something to eat. Upon looking at the cash register I saw a printed sign that said,"Braille Menu Available." Now then, how could anyone who would need such a menu read that sign? Christopher A. Twichell "To infinity and beyond!!" tazmania@mail.utexas.edu http://www.ece.utexas.edu/~twichell ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 08:14:53 PDT--100 From: "Charles Tidwell, Sr." Subject: At the bank [clean] At the Bank A man was on an out-of-town trip and ran out of cash. He took his cheque book with him so he went to the bank and asked if they would cash a cheque. They said, "No". When he asked why, they said, "Because we don't know you". He complained and said, "That's not fair, at home they won't cash my cheques because they know me". >From Dennis Tidwell on the humornet, Vietnam ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 12:43:25 -0400 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Backstage in Amateur theater {long} Catch a Falling Diva by Jim Mica I work backstage with an amateur theater group specializing in Gilbert & Sullivan operettas. This summer's offering was Princess Ida. The second act reaches a climax when the Princess falls from the wall of her castle into the moat. This bit of staging presents some challenges for the backstage crew. Obviously, you don't want your Diva dashing out her brains on the stage floor as she climaxes, but you also have to be careful lest she strike one of the flats! The illusion that a wall is made of marble tends to be undermined if it suddenly starts to shake like some muslin stretched over 1 by 3s. Moreover, in this play the falling Diva is almost immediately followed by a ululating tenor (her betrothed, Prince Hilarion) who dives into the moat to save her. With all this musical talent threatening to pile up, the stage crew really needs to hustle. Now, it should be noted that falling Divas loom rather large in the Folk Mythology of the theater. As we were working on our problem the elders of the group regaled us with stories of other soaring sopranos. In one story a Diva was supposed to commit suicide by leeping off the back wall of the set. She jumped and landed on a trampoline (as planned) but then bounced right back up on the set (unplanned). Displaying some fine theatrical sense, she repeated her death aria and jumped again. This time the crew prevented a second resurrection. The platform our Princess was to plunge from was about three feet above the stage floor. We got an old twin size matress and box springs and placed them behind the platform and in front of the back flat. Next we had convince our Princess Ida that she could do this gag and live to tell about it. Under the watchful eye of our Tech Director two of us positioned ourselves on either side of the matress. Ida stood on the platform and tried to do a convincing sideways fall into the imaginary moat. In her first attempt she hit the edge of the matress and bounced off onto the female crewmember (stationed on the upstage side of the matress) with me yanking on her downstage parts. Fortunately there were no injuries. With much persuasion we got Ida back up on the platform and repositioned the matress for a second trial. This time she fell backwards, hit the mark pretty square in the center and we grabbed to steady her. Her first words were, "What if they see my underwear!" I quickly stifled myself when my first response was to tell her not to wear any. Our upstage crewman -- Stephanie-- pointed out to her that there would be others on the platform blocking much of the audience's view of her descent. This seemed to placate her. We did another couple of trials and Ida grew pretty relaxed with the whole procedure. Then our Tech Director kind of put his foot in it. He said something like, "This is fine." Then he added, "The crew will grab hold of you _someplace_, just ignore that, roll off the matress and shoot out that opening in the curtains there." Ida gulped audibly, looked at where my hands were upon her person (in TOTALLY innocuous places, I assure you) and immediately ooched upstage toward my female pardner for safety. She looked at me like she'd just been introduced to "Jack the Ripper." Well, we went into dress rehearsal on that note. Our diving Prince presented other problems. Hilarion launched himself off from the platform with such gusto that it took all the muscle Stephanie and I could muster to keep him from bouncing off stage through the curtain legs. In my opinion Stephanie held on to him far longer than necessary, but I let it pass. Opening night arrived. On cue Stephanie and I crawled under the platforms to our safety positions. The climax arrived. Ida flopped off the platform onto her back. I carefully steadied her by touching her arm --no, really, just her arm! She rolled off the mat just as Hilarion came plummeting down upon us and we kind of gang tackled him to keep him from bouncing all over the place. Steph and I heaved a sigh of relief and went on with the rest of our duties. After final curtain we got the word. It seems that these dramatic exits which we had worked upon so hard had been the cause of unintended mirth among the audience. What the audience saw was our young Princess falling backwards with her legs spread and an over-eager Prince who appeared to be diving between those legs. Sometimes the best laid plans... *************************************************** Permission is granted to forward and reproduce the above for non- commercial purposes as long as the title and author's name are attached. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 15:05:18 EDT From: Bill Subject: HUMOR weekly traffic report Contents of this Report (5 August 1996): The purpose of this mail The HUMOR traffic report A humorous couplet THE PURPOSE OF THIS MAIL Each week the listowners of HUMOR send a report to those members who have agreed to be contributors. This report keeps us aware of the the traffic on our list. If you would like to know how to become a registered contributor or you would just like a fuller description of listserve commands & HUMOR goals/rules, send the command GET HUMOR GUIDE to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU THE HUMOR TRAFFIC REPORT for 28 July- 3 August 1996 Date Day 4weeks 3weeks 2weeks 1-week Last back back back back week 28 Sunday 8 14 7 6 7 29 Monday 13 15 20 13 15 30 Tuesday 10 19 19 21 20 31 Wednesday 12 17 21 7 18 1 Thursday 10 15 20 16 13 2 Friday 11 19 19 14 12 3 Saturday 8 9 13 8 5 Averages 10.3 15.4 17.0 12.1 12.9 Members 8,776 NA 8,700 8,605 8,298 Countries 82 NA 81 80 81 Contributors 795 NA 815 798 793 A HUMOROUS COUPLET They never taste who always drink; They always talk to who never think. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 15:20:29 -0400 From: James Bologna Subject: The family stress test... (Originally from a NutWorks posting by Terry Morris) As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the "wuss" category, and generated our own family stress test: Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ____ The cat is on Valium. 4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf. 6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners. 8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates. Scoring: 30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway? ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 15:49:12 -0400 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Humor (offensive to special ed folks) A man is looking for a job. Reading the want ads he notices that the local school district needs a bus driver. He thinks this will be a piece of cake job and heads out to the school bus garage. "We have only one route left open." says the dispatcher, "It's the Special Ed bus. That one over there with Ernie, Bert, Oscar, and Big Bird painted on the side. Here's your route. Good Luck." So, the guy heads out on his new bus route. At the first stop there are two extremly fat girls. The first one says, "Hi. My name is Patty.", and gets on the bus. The second one gets on and says, "Hi. My name is Patty too." He goes to the next stop. A little boy gets on the bus and says, "My name is Ross and Jerry says I'm special." At the third stop a young boy gets on and states, "Yo! I'm Lester-T!" This boy sits down right behind the bus driver. So, the bus driver continues along the route picking up kids. Suddenly he is utterly revolted by a smell coming from the back of the bus. He turns around and finds Lester-T with his shoes and socks off. He is picking at a particularly nasty looking bunyon on one of his feet. This so revolts the bus driver that he skips the rest of the stops, literally kicks the kids off of the bus at school and returns to the school bus garage. "I quit!", he says, "I can't stand it!" "What's the problem?", asks the dispatcher. "You want to know what the problem is?", stammers the man. "You want to know what the problem is! I'll tell you. You've got two obese Pattys, special Ross with Lester-T picking Bunyons on a Sesame Street bus." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 16:59:21 -0400 From: "Lloyd B. Abrams" Subject: Man walks into a bar...{off. to zoophiles} A man walked into a bar. On the bar was a large jar filled with ten-dollar bills. Next to the restrooms was horse nonchalantly munching on hay. "Excuse, me," asked the man. "What's with the jar of money?" "Well," explained the bartender, "put in a ten-dollar bill. Then, if you can make the horse laugh, you can keep the all the money." The man walked over to the horse, whispered in his ear, and the horse started laughing so hysterically that he fell over, holding his stomach. The man went to claim the windfall, and left. Several weeks later, the man walked into the bar, and, again, there was a jar on the counter filled with money. The bartender told the man that if he could make the horse cry, then he could win all the money. As before, the man threw in his ten-dollar bill, walked over to the horse, stood next to him for a moment, and the horse started crying so plaintively and sorrowfully. As he went to get his money, the amazed bartender stopped him. "Wait, a second. You've got to tell me how you got the horse to laugh the first time, and how you just made the horse cry just now." "Well," the man explained, "the first time, I told the horse that my cock was bigger than his." "And today," he continued, "I showed him." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 17:52:14 -0400 From: Brian Ross Subject: miscommunication (off. to women and Filipinos) It seems there's a province in the Phillipines were the locals place a "H" sound in front of all English words beginning with a vowel. For example, apple becomes (h)apple and orange becomes (h)orange. One day a wealthy elderly lady from this province was visiting Paris. Standing in line at the Eiffel Tower, the wind began to blow. In fact, the gusts became so strong that it blew the skirt of a young American girl up in the air (ala Marilyn Monroe). The elderly Filapina was astonished at the sight and said, "Oh no my dear, the (h)air!!!" To which the girl retorted, "What did you expect to see, feathers?" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 18:36:33 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: A Nun's Story Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of signifi- cant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful tryant". When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 16:31:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Q & A..... (off to women). Don't blame me for this one.... Q. What's the one thing in common with all the battered women in the U.S? A. THEY JUST DON'T LISTEN!!! (smack smack smack) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 5 Aug 1996 20:26:17 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Equal rights for men It's time to forget about Equal Rights for Women and start working on Equal Rights for Men. After all, it's a known fact that women have 60% of the money and 100% of the pussy. Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Aug 1996 to 6 Aug 1996 **********************************************