Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 02:00:01 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1996 to 2 Sep 1996 There are 9 messages totalling 499 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Graveyard Humor [Off. to nagging spouses] 2. In The News - American politics and nutty politicians 3. Naming your computer 4. Fwd: Fire Tragedy in Little Rock 5. Headstone Humor 6. The Two Parrots 7. The 12 Gifts Of Christmas 8. Don't let it bug you. >clean fun> 9. Top 10 Signs your College Football team is going nowhere ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 05:57:49 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Graveyard Humor [Off. to nagging spouses] EPITAPHS Beneath this stone my wife doth lie: Now she's at rest, and so am I. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Seen in a Northern California cemetery, from the 19th century: NO COMMENT - - - - - - - - - - - - - AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT I TRIED TO GET OUT OF IT BUT I COULDN'T Truman Capote - - - - - - - - - - - - A gravestone in Sargentville, Maine, gives the quarrelsome wife image a fitting epitaph: Beneath these stone do lie, Back to back, my wife and I. When the last trumpet the air shall fill, If she gets up, I'll lie still. Judson Hale ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:45:57 -0700 From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - American politics and nutty politicians In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times Includes quotes from Jay Leno WARNING - May be offensive to Japanese people, men, The Village People, Ticketmaster, talk show hosts, Larry Fortensky On opening night of the Democratic convention, delegates were all doing the Macarena. It's perfect for the Clintons. Every few seconds you change positions. Hllary Clinton said it takes a village to raise a child. Bob Dole said it takes a family. The way some kids are today, you'd think they were raised by the Village People and the Manson Family. The Democrats snubbed Jimmy Carter by not letting him speak at the convention. Carter will get the last laugh - sooner or later Bill and Hillary are going to need a house. The people I really feel sorry for in this campaign are the Secret Service agents guarding Ross Perot. You train all your life to watch out for that one lone nut... and it turns out he's the candidate. (Leno) A Tokyo mother is accused of helping her son bury the body of a teenage girlfriend he killed. You know, that's why their kids do so much better than ours... more parental involvment. Jack Kevorkian broke his own record by attending four suicides in one week. You have to admire the guy. His business keeps growing, all without repeat customers. Warner Brothers signed R.E.M. to an $80 million deal. The company had expected to pay just $70 million, but found it could only book the band through Ticketmaster. Actor Jimmy Smits, of NYPD Blue, is reportedly being stalked by a fan. He says he's going to fight back, get rough if he has to. Talk about the Smits hitting the fan... (Leno) The makers of Pez have come up with a battery powered dispenser. It will be the first semiautomatic candy dispenser endorsed by the NRA. Brazil is putting a male birth control pill on the market. It's taken years to make it user friendly. It tastes like beer so men will remember to take it, and it's easy to use so men won't have to stop to ask for directions. Geraldo Rivera promised that his revamped, more upstanding show will adhere to a 10 point "Talk Show Bill of Rights and Responsibilities." Unfortunbately, not one of them is the right to remain silent. And finally, police arrested Elizabeth Taylor's estranged husband Larry Fortensky on various charges including illegal parking. Apparently, his 15 minutes ran out... again. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 05:11:29 +1000 From: Stephen Webster Subject: Naming your computer I have a few like this - unfortunately I don't have the info on where they came from... ============================================================================== Finding a suitable name for a computer system can be a trying experience. After trying the name "MYDICK", we experienced some difficulties with our name and dialling the wrong number. Scenario: Man calling field service, dials wrong number. ring......ring......ring..... (sexy female voice answers) "Hello?" "Hello, I'm calling to report that MYDICK is down." "Oh, really, and how may I help you?" "Well, I'm hoping that you can tell me how to get it up." "This sounds interesting. OK, I can try. Assuming it's not from over using it, do you know what caused it to go down?" "It got struck by lightning." "GOODNESS, that's awful!!!" "It's not too bad. It's getting old anyway. I usually only play games with it. A lot of my co-workers use theirs for business. Maybe, some day." "I don't know about using it for business, but only for games is a little bit of a waste, too." "Well, since the lightning storm, it doesn't do me much good, anyway." "I must admit that you seem to be taking it rather well. My boyfriend would be devastated." "Oh, it's not such a big deal, it's just a small one. I wanted a larger one, but I couldn't swing it." "HUMPH, just how big is it?" "It only stands about 36 inches." "ONLY 36 INCHES???" "Yeah, I've seen some as big as 52 inches." (silence) "Hello?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I uh, you should be able to swing that!!!" "They're kinda hard to come by." "I can imagine. That's what I call hung!!!" "Yep, it's hung allright." "Have you tried doing anything with it?" "Yeah, I tried booting it and I kicked it twice, but it just won't respond." "Jeez, didn't that hurt?" "I hurt my foot when I kicked it the second time." "Damn, I'd think you might be a little more gentle with it. I think if you play with it, you can get it to work again." "Oh, I've played with it for almost 2 hours now and it just won't come up. It seems like it's going to work OK, but then it gets hung in a loop." "My this sounds like a tough problem." "It's not an easy one. Could you come over and take a look at it?" "You bet!!! I'd love to see this." ___________________________________________/\______________________________ Steve Webster / \ farside@mailbox.uq.edu.au Staff Dev. Officer - Computer Training / \ farside@acslink.aone.net.au Metway Bank Limited, Australia ____/ \___ websters@ozemail.com.au ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice... ** ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 16:54:54 -0400 From: Patrick Ash Subject: Fwd: Fire Tragedy in Little Rock Date: Sunday, 1 September, 1996 10:12AM Fire Tragedy in Little Rock Little Rock (AP) Authorities today confirmed that a fire struck early this morning in the library of the Clinton's personal residence here in Little Rock. Despite heroic efforts by the Little Rock Fire Department, both books were destroyed. In Washington, a White House spokesperson was quoted as saying "Mr Clinton is very upset. He had several pictures left to color in the one book, and he was just starting to get that staying in the lines thing down." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 17:57:29 PST From: Owen H O'Neill Subject: Headstone Humor Headstone I saw in an old Churchyard at Chatham, Mass., (on Cape Cod--at the elbow bend) SEE? I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK! Which led me to consider what I might possibly compose for myself, and some years ago, during a period of severe financial difficulties, I came up with: THIS IS A FINAL DISCONNECT! And so it stays to this day. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 31 Aug 1996 12:07:00 +0900 From: Uly Abad Subject: The Two Parrots This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you," said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away! Our prayers have been answered!!!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 31 Aug 1996 12:00:00 +0900 From: Uly Abad Subject: The 12 Gifts Of Christmas Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1994 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1994 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1994 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1994 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1994 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1994 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1994 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1994 You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic-ing the police on you. One who means it. Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1994 Listen! Fuckhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1994 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 22:06:48 -0400 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Don't let it bug you. >clean fun> A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug." After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 23:42:43 EDT From: Bill Subject: Top 10 Signs your College Football team is going nowhere This list is adapted from a list I found on ESPN's sportszone. Note for our international readers: Most USA colleges have football teams (not soccer teams). The seasons runs from late August to early January. The Top 10 signs your team is going nowhere: 10. Your middle linebacker's name is Skippy 9. School just signed a shoe contract with Hush Puppy 8. The school cannon is aimed at the home football team 7. The local police arrests a player even if the player is a star 6. College president insist that the player attend classes 5. Punter is featured on the cover of this year's press guide 4. Upcoming John Tesh concert sells more tickets 3. Coach still thinks team speed is over-rated 2. Hate groups protest the lack of violence on the field 1. Two traditional powers schedule your team for their homecoming games ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Sep 1996 to 2 Sep 1996 ********************************************** -- End --