Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 02:00:01 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1996 to 3 Sep 1996 There are 11 messages totalling 409 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Lesbian Carpenters (offensive) 2. Drinking Problem Solver 3. Introductions 4. Doctors' Fees [off. to drs.] 5. Definitive Quotes: Love & Death (somewhat sexist) 6. [susan@freenet.tlh.fl.us: Energizer Bunny] 7. Harvard vs. Yale (vulgar) 8. Surprise party! 9. Pullet Surprises (part 2 of 2) 10. Language trends of the future 11. One Liners ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 00:50:18 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Lesbian Carpenters (offensive) [Thanks to ginger rinkevich ] Did you hear about the house the lesbians built? Not a stud in the joint, and all tongue 'n' groove. Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 19:56:21 +1000 From: Stephen Webster Subject: Drinking Problem Solver This one brings back memories of a mis-spent youth, early adulthood, adulthood, and... hopefully middle and old ages!!! ============================================================================= Drinking Problem Solver: SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION REQUIRED: See above. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION REQUIRED: Panic. SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in. ___________________________________________/\______________________________ Steve Webster / \ farside@mailbox.uq.edu.au Staff Dev. Officer - Computer Training / \ farside@acslink.aone.net.au Metway Bank Limited, Australia ____/ \___ websters@ozemail.com.au ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice... ** ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 13:31:46 GMT+200 From: C T ODENDAAL - 0641272 Subject: Introductions The bar was crowded and load over the Happy Hour period when a man stood up and placed a lemon on the man closes to the doors head.He told him to sit still and walked to the door, turned around, pulled out a pistol and shot the lemon cleanly off the mans head.As everybody was stunned by this the man calmay introduced himself: "Bond, James Bond." Everybody was up in arms about this action.After about 45 minutes, everybody was drinking and joking again when another man stood up,placed an apple on the same man's head and walked to the door.At the door he turned around, pulled out a bow and arrow and neatly split the apple in two.He also introduced himself: "Hood, Robin Hood." Again everybody was up in arms about this violant act. About one hour later,everybody was drinking and shouting again when a third man stood up and placed a peanut on the same man's head.He walked out of the door and came back with a brick.He trowed it at the peanut but unfortunately hit the man full in the face.While the man tried to wipe the blood off his face,the third man introduced himself: "Sorry, Fucking Sorry!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 04:58:11 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Doctors' Fees [off. to drs.] Cautionary Tales The chief defect of Henry King Was chewing little bits of string. At last he swallowed some that tied Itself in ugly knots inside. Physicians of the utmost fame Were called at once, but when they came They answered, as they took their fees, "There is no cure for this disease." Hilaire Belloc ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 09:54:15 PST From: James J Larsen Subject: Definitive Quotes: Love & Death (somewhat sexist) Definitive Quotations: Love & Death LOVE: -> The identity of the relativity of the reality of an infinitesimal portion of the absolute totality of the infinite being. -Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel -> A temporary insanity curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce -> A petit-bourgeois prejudice, a defect of capitalism. A psychopathic occupation which wastes money and time. -Chinese Communist Publication -> The delusion that one woman differs from another. -H.L. Mencken -> What happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other. -Somerset Maugham -> An itching about the heart that you cannot scratch. -Gaelic saying -> The greatest indoor sport. -Anon. -> The last word of a telegram. -Anon. FRIEND: -> One who knows all about you and loves you just the same. -Elbert Hubbard BAFFONA: -> Woman with not unpleasing mustache. -Hoare "Short Italian Dictionary" BACHELOR: -> The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the hunt. -Thomas Lyness -> A man who never makes the same mistake once. -Ed Wynn -> A man who looks but does not leap. -McCardie GENTLEMAN: -> A man who wouldn't strike a woman with his hat on. -Evan Esar CHASTE: -> Very much in the running. -J. Bailey, H. and J.C. Furnas DARLING: -> The popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment recall. -Oliver Herford MARRIAGE: -> A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. -Herbert Spencer -> A souvenir of love. -Helen Rowland -> The end of man. -Balzac -> A feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. -Charles Caleb Colton -> A friendship recognized by the police. -Robert Louis Stevenson -> The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two. -Ambrose Bierce -> A lottery, licensed by the state and supported by the clergy. -Anon. SECOND MARRIAGE: -> The triumph of hope over experience. -Samuel Johnson DEATH: -> Nature's way of telling you to slow down. -Anon. WIDOW: -> A woman with an angel for a husband. -Anon. Credit: "Definitive Quotations" by John Ferguson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 08:34:21 -0700 From: Mark Panitz Subject: [susan@freenet.tlh.fl.us: Energizer Bunny] ================= Begin forwarded message ================= From: susan@freenet.tlh.fl.us (Susan Shaw) To: humor@b62968.STUDENT.CWRU.Edu (Multiple recipients of) Subject: Energizer Bunny Date: Mon, 02 Sep Q: What does the Energizer Bunny do if you put his batteries in backwards? A: Instead of going, going, going, he comes, comes, comes! To subscribe to the humor list, check out . Subscribe to "humor-sick" in a similar fashion, if you wish. -- Mark Panitz az483@lafn.org ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:18:08 -0400 From: "John M. Scheer" Subject: Harvard vs. Yale (vulgar) [NOTE: For those who are not aware, two of the oldest American Universities that are long-standing rivals are Harvard and Yale.] At the Yale-Harvard football game, a Harvard man was horrified to see a Yaley leaving the men's room without washing his hands. "At Harvard," he said haughtily, "we learn to wash our hands after urinating." "At Yale," the other retorted, "we learn not to urinate on our hands." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:41:23 -0400 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Surprise party! A handsome man married an extremely ugly girl. His friends just couldn't believe it and one asked him why he married such an ugly woman. He explained, "I took her out on a date just as a joke. I put my hand in her blouse and she had nice breasts. I slid my other hand down into her panties. Honestly, I don't know how to describe it. Did you ever have a horse eat oats out of your hand?" Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 14:54:15 -0700 From: Cindy Fisher Subject: Pullet Surprises (part 2 of 2) Here are the remainder of the Pullet Surprises from the Jack Smith column: "If you want to catch his attention, try wearing a sexy T-shirt and blue genes..." "He was another Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde." "I'm Susan. I'm a 16-year old softmore..." "I like everybody. I don't have any enemas..." "When two people are in love, they should share a lot of infection..." "He is a sex thimble..." "His throw had the distance but it just wasn't long enough..." "In my spare time I like to read good writting by good writters..." "The soldiers invaded the houses and took advantage of the unprotected females by making the clean-polished floors dirty with the mud from their boots..." "Ancient history records that the Ramons conquered the Geeks..." "I would hate to kill him. That would really ruin his life..." "The best part of the cow is the pork chops..." "He died because he was very ill..." "My boyfriend is cute, nice and perverting..." "A problem driver is unpredictable and erotic..." "Suicide can really kill you..." "Everyone is a human bean..." "Although his poems are difficult to understand, I like them. They're unscrubbable..." "It is too hot for the weather..." "In Ibsen's 'Ghosts,' the son inherited a venereal disease because his father was a flounder..." "People still disagree about what started World War I. I think it began with the assassination of the Arch-Duck..." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:43:10 -0500 From: Ian Chai Subject: Language trends of the future There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future. In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same. These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels. In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original. Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world. The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish. Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course. -- Check out my new "things to read" page, including lots of jokes and stories: http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html ........................................................................ Ian Chai http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:52:12 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin (509/332-7013)" Subject: One Liners Peppier - The waiter at fancy restaurant who only grinds pepper. yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if is didnt zigzag?? Never let your willpower get the best of you. Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma. Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat. Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G??? Heard on Alpha Centauri, 2361: So you're from Earth! Do you know ----? Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this one. Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway? f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire Define the universe and give three examples. 'I know' is just 'I Believe' with delusions of grandeur If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Life is like a simile. I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up I think we're in for a bad spell of wether. The "c" in "rap" is silent. Black holes are where God divided by zero. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power. Vote anarchist Don't ya just hate,it when there's not enough room to fin Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations. Murphy's rule of combat: Incoming fire has right of way. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1996 to 3 Sep 1996 ********************************************** -- End --