Date: Wed, 4 Sep 1996 02:00:02 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1996 to 4 Sep 1996 There are 12 messages totalling 347 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Sexual, political (Off to Clintons) 2. Shortest Poem? [Clean] 3. psychiatric session 4. Joke-clean:Hotline 5. Law on the March 6. Nun in an elevator 7. Desert Island 8. Top 10 list 9. None's? 10. bird joke (rude, crude) 11. Latinized Leinieksisms (fwd) 12. Disney movie comparison (part 1 of 2) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 09:20:46 +0200 From: Max Blumberg Subject: Sexual, political (Off to Clintons) Bill and Hillary apparantly enjoy sex twice weekly. For Bill it's Monday and Wednesday and Hillary's Tuesday and Friday. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 03:31:25 PDT--100 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: Shortest Poem? [Clean] This could possibly be the shortest "poem" in the English language: Maid's Day Out Thurs. Hers. by Bill Benet ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 19:25:41 PDT From: Darren Chng Subject: psychiatric session She lay back on the couch and began to tell the psychiatrist about what she'd done the past few weeks. "I bought a rabbit," she revealed, "and fed it to my husband every day for dinner." "What did he say?" "Well....", she replied, surprised," he didn't say anything -- he just looked at me with his sad pink eyes...." (heh heh heh...) Darren ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 17:44:00 PDT From: "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO" Subject: Joke-clean:Hotline Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant: Please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press If you are a manic depressive: It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 09:52:56 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Everybody Needs Somebody. In Your Case, a Drug Counsellor. R&B star Wilson Picket had a special guest when he sang at a MO music festival over the Labor Day weekend: a drug counsellor. Picket, who hit an 86-year-old man while driving drunk in 1992, violated the terms of his probation when he tested positive for cocaine. A judge said that the midnight mover could travel to the music festival despite the violation, as long has be brought his drug counselor along. Source: AP ------------------ Actually, They Were Home Polishing Their Fertilizer Bombs The mad militia bombers' answer to the million man march fizzled. A protest in Washington D.C., featuring several militia groups, drew only about 100 people scattered on the mall near the Capitol. Organizer Joseph Corey told the group, "I just got a call, and people are stuck in traffic." Source: AP ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 10:39:00 -0700 From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" Subject: Nun in an elevator >From my good friend Mandar. A nun and a man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was she looked over at him, smiled and said: "T. G. I. F." The man looked back at her and said: "S. H. I. T" The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said: "There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday" The man looked back at her and said: "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday" heh, heh, heh Seshadri.Narasimhan@alliedsignal.com ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 08:25:36 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: Desert Island This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? "He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 10:32:39 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: Top 10 list The following was given to me by a colleague. Hope its not a repeat. >Top ten signs you are additcted to the net: > > 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check > your e-mail on the way back to bed. > > 9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape > Navigator 1.1 or higher." > > 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. > > 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like > you just pulled the plug on a loved one. > > 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... > and your child in the overhead compartment. > > 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just > for the free Internet access. > > 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. > > 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail. > > 2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG. > > 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. > You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial > your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the > modem. You succeed. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 12:53:49 -0400 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: None's? Two nuns were out for a walk when two rapists jumped out of the bushes and attacked them. After a few moments, one nun cried out, "Lord, forgive them, they know not what they do." The other nun said, "Well, I don't know about yours, but this one..." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 10:51:34 -0600 From: Lawrence Fatteicher Subject: bird joke (rude, crude) Birds of the world are symbols for different things... 1: What bird represents USA?? The Eagle 2: What bird represents LOVE??? The Dove 3: What bird represents TRUE LOVE?? The Swallow Pretty Bad.... Later... ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 16:14:56 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Latinized Leinieksisms (fwd) Thanks to Ginger Rinkevich , who writes: This is how I learned my Latin from a old professor.....proverbs of wisdom...... If the enemy is in range, so are you. Si hostes visibilis, etiam tu. Incoming fire has the right of way Missiles invenientes semper potestatem viae habent Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire Noli eminere, catapultas allicies There is always a way Putamus viam semper esse The easy way is always mined Via perfacilis laqueis semper plena Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo Conare nullius momenti videri fortasse missilibus careant Professionals are predictable, it is the amateurs who are dangerous Peritissimos semper praevidere possumus, rudi autem periculosi sunt The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (a) when you are ready for them, (b) when you are not ready for them Duobus temporibus oppugnant hostes: cum parati estis, et cum imparati estis Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at Collaboratio maximi momenti est, quia eis alterum scopum praebet If you can't remember, the claymore is always pointed at you Si id memini non potes, scutula dirumpens semper at te collineata est The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack Negligentia hostium quam non coluistis primus impetus erit A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down Vulnus pectoris sugens ne properetis mos naturae dicendi est If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush Si impetus bene it, in laqueum incessistis Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you Numquam catapultas allice, iram omnium concitabis Anything you can do can get you shot, including nothing Ex quocumque facere poteris te sauciabit, nihilo comprehenso Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out Si hostibus difficile incedere facias tu quoque male extricabis Never share a foxhole with one braver than yourself Numquam fossam compartire cum viro tibi fortiore If you are short of anything but the enemy you are in a combat zone Si nihilo carueris nisi hostibus loco pugnae es When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy Si locum inexpugnabilis facias, memento hostibus de hoc profiteri Never forget your weapon is made by the lowest bidder Numquam obliviscaris tua tela facta ab eis qui minima liciti sunt Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 17:05:24 -0700 From: Cindy Fisher Subject: Disney movie comparison (part 1 of 2) >From a 1995 article by David Kronke in the Los Angeles Times: BEAUTIES OF THE BEAST Since the Disney animation renaissance began, critics and audiences have been universally lauding the films' visuals, charm and progressive stories...we took a closer look at the heroines and found some interesting though (we're quite sure) coincidental parallels...There's a shortage of moms in Disney-animationland, but the young women do tend to marry well. Films/heroines: LM: The Little Mermaid (1989)/Ariel BB: Beauty and the Beast (1991)/Belle AL: Aladdin (1992)/Jasmine PO: Pocahontas (1995)/Pocahontas Physical type: LM: High school cheerleader sort who looks fetching in a clamshell halter top, although those fins are reason for pause. Skin miraculously wrinkle-free despite time spent in water. BB: Reminiscent of the pretty, smart girl in high school English whom regular guys thought they might have a chance with. AL: Dark beauty with exotic looks (well, by Disney standards, at least), like the quiet foreign exchange student everyone had a crush on in college but was afraid to ask out. PO: Aerodynamically perfect. First Disney heroine/babe with eyes that don't take up most of her head. Attitudes toward marriage (beginning of film): LM: Smitten with landlubber Prince Eric, despite father's exhortation that folks with legs are "spineless, savage, finless fish-eaters!" BB: Not interested in local handsome lout--"His little wife? No sir, not me!" AL: Though father has decreed she must soon marry, she insists, "The law is wrong!... I hate being forced into this. If I do marry, it will be for love." PO: Uninterested in uniting, per her father's wishes, with the bravest brave in the tribe. "Should I marry Kocoum? Is all my dreaming at an end?" Parents: LM: No mother; powerful King of the Sea father dotes on her; she's his favorite of seven daughters. BB: No mother; father a befuddled inventor who dotes on her. AL: No mother; powerful *and* befuddled sultan father dotes on her. PO: No mother; doting powerful father forbids romance with white "savage." ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1996 to 4 Sep 1996 ********************************************** -- End --