Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 02:00:01 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1996 to 3 Oct 1996 There are 17 messages totalling 529 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The fly (Gross) 2. Lottery ticket (offensive to Jews) 3. "Here We Go Again" 4. Limericks (adult themes) 5. Humor: Marriage 6. fwd: DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE 7. Little Johnny 8. The pengion 9. 10. Four Daughters 11. Important Notice 12. JOKES (shouldn't offend) 13. MONEY WOE$ 14. Just deserts? 15. Tom Swifty - Clean! 16. FW: Mo' Humor 17. The lion sleeps tonight ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 11:42:47 +0200 From: Altar Ariel Subject: The fly (Gross) Waiter, there is a dead fly in my hot soup! Yes sir, we know it, could YOU live at this temperature? ariel:) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 06:36:34 -0400 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Lottery ticket (offensive to Jews) Sid goes to temple and gets down on his knees and prays,"Dear God, I work hard but my business isn't doing well, my wife is acting strange and my daughter, ah, you don't want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?" The next week he's back. "God, my wife, she's moving out and I'm getting audited by the IRS. And my daughter, she's running around with a such a sleaze, would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?" The next week, Sid's back. God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, leaving me to pay the taxes with money I don't have cause she cleanned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, she's pregnant by that nogoodnik who ran off as well. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?" At that moment a beam of light comes blazing through the window as the clouds outside part and a voice booms down, "Sidney, meet me half way on this one, BUY A TICKET!!!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 05:32:25 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: "Here We Go Again" Teen Suspended For Possessing Midol. Fairborn, Ohio - A 13 year old 8th grade honor student has been suspended and recommended for expulsion because she possessed Midol at school, the girl and her father said Monday. She was punished under Fairborn city schools' code of conduct regarding "Alcoholic Beverages, Drugs and Narcotics." Midol is sold over the counter to relieve cramps, headache and other symptoms related to menstrual periods. It contains Tylenol and caffeine. Fairborn's drug policy does not distinguish between legal and illegal or prescription or non-prescription drugs said Fairborn's administrative assistant for pupil personnel. She also said:"The district's zero tolerance drug policy is designed to make Fairborn's schools safe and drug free. I think the policy is common sense." But the girl's father said he is astonished, noting that the official"student discipline referral" the principal sent home was for"possession of a controlled substance". "For Midol?" he said "That's ridiculous!" "Students who aren't feeling well are supposed to go to the school nurse." a school official said. Source: Cox News Service **The first grade "Kissing Bandit" in Lexington, NC., who got suspended for kissing a girl on the cheek would probably think: "Here we go again!"** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 12:21:27 +0200 From: Oruganty Jagannatha Rao Subject: Limericks (adult themes) For all those who wanted limericks. P.S. These are from my personal collection, and some may be contain offensive language. But all in all I think you will like these. ==================== There was a young man of Ostend, Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. "It's no use, my duck, Interrupting our fuck, For I'm damned if I 'draw 'til I spend. (Published 1879) ------------------------------------------ A doughty old knight of Belgrade, Cantered southward to join the Crusade. His lady, recalling That squires knew their balling, Faced a husbandless life, undismayed. Author: Isaac Asimov ----------------------------------------- There was a young fellow named Hal, Whose wife ran away with his pal. He abhorred deprivation, So he found consolation In the arms of another friend's gal. Author: Isaac Asimov ---------------------------------------- "Adultry", said Joseph, "is nice. If once is all right, better twice. This doubling of rations Improves my sensations, For the plural of spouse, friend, is spice." Author: Isaac Asimov ------------------------------------------ A young trapeze-swinger named Bract, Is faced by a very grim fact. Consider his pain, When, again and again, He catches his wife in the act. ------------------------------------------ A little adultery spices Our lives, but just look at those prices! If they charge all that dough, Men can't buy it, you know, And there'll be a frustrational crises. Author: Isaac Asimov ------------------------------------------ I once took my girl to Southend, Intending a loving weekend. But imagine the fuss; In the room next to us, Was my wife with a gentleman friend. ------------------------------------------ -- _____________________________________________________________________ (_)______________________ORUGANTY JAGANNATHA RAO____________________(_) |_| ROBERT BOSCH GmbH. E-mail: jagannatha.rao@k5esk.fe.bosch.de |_| |_| Stuttgart, Germany. Tel : +0049 - 0711 - 8112559 (Office) |_| |_| : +0049 - 0711 - 8266709 (Res) |_| (_)_________________________________________________________________(_) ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 07:18:06 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Marriage A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 09:26:07 -0400 From: "Joshua Ostroff (Joshua Ostroff)" Subject: fwd: DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE 1) After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? 2) How can there be self-help groups? 3) If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 4) If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? 5) If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? 6) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 7) Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? 8) Is there another word for synonym? 9) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 10) Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? 11) When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? 12) When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 13) When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? 14) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 15) Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food? 16) Why do they report power outages on TV? 17) Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ J Joshua Ostroff Virtual Media Resources | | | | | | | |||| http://www.vmr.com No endangered insects well, almost no rare insects were destroyed in composing this message ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 09:47:27 PST From: Gregory V Pomykala Subject: Little Johnny Little Johnny (sent to me by my friend Jerri) ~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny was sitting in class and started waving his arm saying, teacher!, teacher! I have to go pee!" The teacher called Johnny to her desk and said, "Now Johnny, in this class we use proper wording, the correct word is urinate. You may go to the bathroom, but when you come back I want you to give me a sentence using the word urinate." So Johnny goes down the hall to the bathroom and when he comes back the teacher says, "O.k. Johnny, I want to hear your sentence now" Little Johnny says," O.K., here goes---Urinate, but you'd be a ten if your tits were bigger"!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 07:07:42 PDT From: Douglas Mason Subject: The pengion Submitted by: Michael @ aol.com A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 11:39:36 -0500 From: "Rowe, Thomas" Subject: How can you best satisfy an Amish woman? Ans: With a pair of Menonites. Note: The Amish and Menonites are religious minorites who eschew most modern conveniences, such as electricity, etc. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 12:17:20 -0400 From: Tejas Mehta Subject: Four Daughters This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?" The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and agian the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?" The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, af few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.." and the father just slams the door on him. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 09:56:30 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" Subject: Important Notice NOTICE: To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed. --NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 13:33:25 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: JOKES (shouldn't offend) A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." The parrot says "Well, maybe but then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did??" The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?" The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss. One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said: Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, We're goin' to the show, Is she ready to go? The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said, Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Jenny, We gettin' spaghetti, Is she ready? The farmer frowned again but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said, Hi, I'm Chuck, And the farmer shot him. -------------- A man suffering from terrible headaches. Finally he went to the doctor, who gave him a thorough examination."Well, I'm not sure exactly what's causing the problem, but we've found a cure. You'll have to be castrated." The man needless to say, was horrified. "No, doctor, I prefer to suffer the headaches.' But as time passed, they got worse and worse and finally he was driven back to the surgery. "Okay, I can't stand it any longer. I'll have the operation." And so...he wa castrated. Afterwards the man was very depressed and his doctor told him, "I recommend you begin a new life -- start fresh from this point." Taking the advice, the man went to a men's shop for new clothes. The salesman said " Let's start with the suit. Looks like you'd take a 38 - regular." "That's right." said the man "How did you know?" "Well, when you have been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up. Now for the shirt, Looks like a 15 -- long." "Exactly.!" said the man. "And for underpants, I'd say a size 36." "Well, there's your first mistake," said the man. "I've worn 34s for years." "No, you're a size 36 if ever I've seen one." said the salesman. "I ought to know," the man replied. "I take a 34." "Well, if you insist," said the salesman. " But they're going to pinch your balls and give you terrible headaches." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 17:53:13 -0400 From: Susie Cua Subject: MONEY WOE$ All I a$k for i$ the opportunity to prove that money doe$n't buy happine$$. A fine i$ a tax for doing wrong. A tax i$ a fine for doing well. Alway$ borrow from a pe$$imi$t. He doe$n't expect hi$ money back. While money can't buy happine$$, it certainly let$ you choo$e your own form of mi$ery. Gambling: The $ure way of getting nothing for $omething. - Wil$on Mizner I embrace poverty. To annoy me $end money. Money talk$, but all mine ever $ay$ i$ goodbye. Bird$ have bill$ too, but they keep on $inging. My doctor i$ wonderful. Once in 1955 when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-ray$. - Joey Bi$hop A banker i$ a man who lend$ you an umbrella when the weather i$ fair and take$ it away from you when it rain$. - Mark Twain If you think nobody care$ if you're alive, try mi$$ing a couple of car payment$. - Earl Wil$on Never inve$t your money in anything that eat$ or need$ painting. - Billy Ro$e Ble$$ed are the brief for they $hall receive lower phone bill$. Credit i$ what keep$ you from knowing how far pa$t broke you are. Nothing $eem$ to bring on an emergency a$ quickly a$ putting money a$ide in ca$e of one. Where there'$ a will there'$ an Inheritance Tax.It'$ trying not to appear poor that keep$ a lot of folk$ broke. Certainly there are thing$ in life that money can't buy, but it'$ very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money? - Na$h Adverti$ing (n): The $cience of arre$ting the human intelligence for long enough to get money from it. - $tephen Leacock The trouble with ca$h flow i$ that the tide alway$ $eem$ to be going out. "Ever wonder why the IR$ call$ it Form 1040?" a$k$ Jay Leno. "For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40." If the good Lord had meant for u$ to pay income tax, He'd have made u$ $mart enough to prepare the return. If you think nobody know$ you're alive, try filing your income tax late! Remember that birth control pill$ are deductible, but only if they don't work. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 18:31:52 -0400 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Just deserts? An Indian tribe had a Chief named Shortcake. He was highly regarded by all the members of the tribe and when he died, all the braves took him out and prepared to bury him. Just then his wife came running up and shouted, "Wait! Wait! Squaw bury Shortcake." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 23:42:31 GMT From: Jerry Alan Cole Subject: Tom Swifty - Clean! I hate Tom Swifties, but when I hear them I have to pass them on: "I hate reading Victor Hugo", said Les, miserably. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 08:57:29 +0900 From: Patrick Gooley Subject: FW: Mo' Humor >Return-Path: >Date: Wed, 02 Oct 1996 1:58pm >From: "Lien John" > >If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer: > > Here's an easy game to play. > Here's an easy thing to say. > > If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, > And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort. > And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, > Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! > > If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, > And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, > And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash. > Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! > > You can't say this? > What a shame, sir! > We'll find you > another game, sir! > > If the label on the cable on the table at your house > Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse, > But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, > That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, > And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss, > So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse, > Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, > 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! > > When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, > And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC. > Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. > Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! > > Author Unknown > ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 07:39:00 +0100 From: "Th. Legters" Subject: The lion sleeps tonight ... Two guys are walking in the desert. One is carrying a lamppost, the other one has a telephone booth. 'Why are you carrying a telephone booth ?' 'When the lions come, I put it down, get into it and I'll be save'. 'O'. 'And why are you carrying an lamppost ?' 'When the lions come, I'll throw it away, so I can run faster.' The O --------------------------------------------------------- I like the undress you way so fast --------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1996 to 3 Oct 1996 ********************************************** -- End --