Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 02:00:00 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1996 to 4 Oct 1996 There are 10 messages totalling 413 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Drink & Drive? 2. Adult penis related humor - offensive to Priests 3. Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs 4. Risque Q&A Joke 5. Humor: Vote for Bill Clinton 6. Law on the March 7. Bobbit's prayer (generally offensive) 8. Fridaynight at the cinema 9. Lost and found? 10. In the Closet ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 06:35:50 EDT From: Gareth Clark Subject: Drink & Drive? Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy". ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 07:09:19 -0400 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Adult penis related humor - offensive to Priests Q - Why does a dog lick himself? (No, not because he can....) A - He can't make a fist. Q - Why do men say women have no brains? A - They have no penis to keep them in. Q - How do you get a priest to get a nun pregnant? A - Dress her like an alterboy. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 08:51:30 -0400 From: Terry Galan Subject: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture." But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation. At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!" At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fibreglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkelling and dolphin shows. At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care and affordable housing for everyone. ***Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No ***actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story. ****************************************************************************** ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 09:06:51 -0400 From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET Subject: Risque Q&A Joke Q. What's the difference between pink and purple? A. The grip. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 08:37:44 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Vote for Bill Clinton >Sent From eastrlng@utdallas.edu Thu Oct 3 07:31:19 1996 ========================================================= Seventeen Reasons to vote for Bill Clinton a joke by kls 1. He is educated. He went England as a resident honorary student, who later went on to get an Honorary Degree. He wasn't there to dodge the draft. Really. 2. He is scrupulous. He didn't have affairs while he was married. When Hillary says she knew about the women on the side, she's lying. And all those Arkansas Highway Patrolmen were lying. Really. 3. He is brave. Now that there is no chance of facing an enemy face to face, it is easy to call out the ships to fire long range missiles into technically and educationally backwards countries in a most courageous manor. 4. He is not a fraud. When he and Al stuck Bill's Foreign-built automobile in the mud, they didn't order the secret service out of the way and then call in a reporter to video The President of The United States pushing a car out of the mud by himself. It wasn't a setup photo op. Really. 5. He is not a fraud. Those rocks he found in the middle of that spotless Normandy beach just happened to be there so he could make a cross out of them. It wasn't a setup photo op. Really. (and he never would have tried to set that cross on fire) 6. He is not a fraud. Those images of him joking and laughing at the funeral were faked. He really was mourning for the dead guy. The whole time. Really 7. He did not commit a Felony in that WhiteWater thing. He didn't pull strings and get away with any form of misappropriation. Nope. It never happened. All those people who testified against him were liars. 8. He is truthful. He admitted he was too incompetent to smoke marijuana. When Hillary's roommate in college said that Hillary and Bubba and she smoked pot all the time, she was lying. Really. 9. He is truthful. He promised to get Gay Rights in The Military. Out with the straits and in with the gays, and it really happened too. Really. 10. He is truthful. Look at the Federal Income Tax Tables for the last 4 years and you will find that the numbers are all identical. He promised to stop any raise of middle class taxes and he did so. Really. Look for yourself. In fact, the taxes went down. Way down. 11. He is not a hypocrite. The guns that he banned were not the same guns that he went duck hunting with the year before. All of those photos were faked. 12. His Communist Health Care Plan is a good idea. Really. We SHOULD give a personal identification health card to everyone (who passes a physical) and each chile at birth (who is chosen not to be aborted) so that none can give or have health care with out the number. 13. He has progressed science. With out all of those fetal tissue bundles that were generated out of those clinics for women, a lot of research would not have been done. It also saved the USA from an abundance of what Clinton's Party calls "Needless and Unwanted" children. 14. True to his word, he informed the Gay Community that there were already laws in place about marrage, and any man & woman could get married just like it has always been. 15. He's a patriot, and didn't attempt to strip our country of its First Amendment rights. When he failed to VETO the alleged Decency Act of 1996, he knew it would be challenged as unconstitutional, and thus he knew it would never be a threat. Really. It's good that Bill did that. 16. He is the World's Savior. When the UN didn't send unwanted troops into Bosnia, Clinton gladly endangered hundreds of US Troops, forcing them to put on UN Uniforms and get involved in a civil war that has nothing to do with us. He is not an imperialist in any way shape or form. 17. He is a good influence. When he got on TV and yet again said he wished he had smoked pot and would do so if he had the chance, that was all fake footage. It is a master-plan of defamation put out by the New Republican Agenda. Really. All fake. Not a liar. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- Clinton/Gore is to the presidency as Beavis & Butthead are to television. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 13:53:50 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March It also Makes a Very Nice Boat Anchor The Lawrence, MA superintendent of school is accused of misusing state and federal education funds by taking $400,000 earmarked for students and buying hundreds of laptop computers for himself, the entire school committee, and various officials who neither needed nor wanted them. "What am I supposed to do with it?" said one janitor. "Use it as a doorstop?" Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune ------------------------------------------------ Just Say No Dayton, OH school officials suspended a eighth grader for borrowing two Midol pills from a friend. Midol, an over-the-counter remedy for menstrual cramps, similar to Tylenol, is not permitted by the school's drug policy, which does not distinguish between legal and illegal drugs. Erica Taylor, 13, is an honor student with perfect attendance. She borrowed the pills from a classmate because she was feeling poorly but did not take them. Despite this, she was suspended for 10 days. "I want to get back to school," she said. "I don't want to fail the eighth grade." According to school spokeswoman Joy Paolo, the suspension was justified. "We're real comfortable with our policy," she said. "I believe the general public wants safe, drug-free schools." Source: AP ----------------- Why Should a Multinational Corporation Bother to Buy an Anti-Virus Program? A woman denied disabling the computer system at Textron Corp.'s headquarters with a virus that obliterated all the data the mutinational company stored during a 15-hour span. Police say Denise Johnson unleased the virus after the company broke its promise to make her a full-time employee. She is charged with destruction of computer data, a felony. Source: AP ----------------- Exploding in Rapture A middle-aged man and his bride were seriously injured while having sex on their wedding night -- when his penile implant exploded! "It's going to take a lot of reconstructive surgery to put them back together again," said Dr. Ralph DeLoska, the urologist who is treating the Los Angeles couple, Mike and Paula Cartamin. "Their genitals have been severely damaged." Dr. DeLoska said he had warned Cartamin to delay his wedding or at least refrain from intercourse on his honeymoon because of the deformed implant. But Cartamin disregarded the warning. Cartamin, 47, had suffered a groin injury four years ago that left him unable to perform sexually. He finally decided to have penile implant surgery six months ago. The implant gradually became bent because it was about an inch too long. Cartamin complained to the surgeon who performed the surgery. But the surgeon, whose name is being withheld pending legal action, told Cartamin he could replace the implant -- for another $4,500. Cartamin did not have the money. Desperate, Cartamin consulted Dr. DeLoska. "I said, 'My God, man, you've got to do something about the implant,'" says Dr. Deloska. "My worst fear was that the implant would explode during intercourse." Cartamin went ahead with his wedding but promised to abide by Dr. DeLoska's warning to postpone having sex. "I meant to keep that promise but I couldn't resist," says Cartamin. Dr. DeLoska explains: "When Mr. Cartamin pressed the base of his penis to send fluid through the implanted cylinders on both sides, it caused fluid to build up at the joint where the metal cylinders curved and the pressure exploded the implant. "You blow too much air into a balloon and it will explode from the pressure. That, in effect, is what happened to the implant." Dr. DeLoska has called in a team of specialists to try to repair the damage caused to the newlyweds. But the prognosis isn't good. "We should have waited but we just couldn't," said injured wife Paula Cartamin from her hospital bed. "Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, an act of ecstasy. You surely don't expect to explode!" Source: Jokester@Bridge.net (This article doesn't cite a reliable journalistic source, and frankly, I don't believe it. Take it for what it's worth.) -------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 13:20:26 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Bobbit's prayer (generally offensive) Thanks to Ginger Rinkevich From: Jaci Groves "Bobbitt's good-night prayer?" Now I lay me down to sleep I pray my penis I will keep And if I wake and it is gone I hope I find it on my lawn I hope the dog that is running free Does not find that little part of me. Many precautions I must take To keep this part I love to shake. Much attention I must pay To assure the knives are put away. The mower, chainsaw, the hatchet, too, There's no telling what she might do! She would love to rid me of my manly charm I must keep it safe, away from harm. So I cross my fingers as I close my eyes, And I cross my legs to avoid surprise! Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 22:34:25 +0100 From: "Th. Legters" Subject: Fridaynight at the cinema Two fleas came out of the theatre after watching a good movie. Says one of them: 'Shall we walk or do we take a dog ?' The O -------------------------------------------------- I like the undress you way so fast -------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 17:35:44 -0400 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Lost and found? A man went to his doctor complaining he had lost all hearing in his right ear. "Let me take a look," said the doctor. "Oh, I see the problem. You have a suppository stuck into your ear!" The patient asked if he could use the phone, called home and said, "Margaret, you can stop looking for my hearing aid...I know where it is." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 19:23:08 -0500 From: Cereal Killer Subject: In the Closet A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Oct 1996 to 4 Oct 1996 ********************************************** -- End --