Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 18:04:36 -0400 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1996 - Special issue There are 21 messages totalling 1211 lines in this issue. Topics in this special issue: 1. Computer Chickens 2. Unix (language) 3. Quotes part 80 4. Daffynitions and sayings from AWAD 5. Joke Rated: " Library of American Slang-Section 1 6. Adult humor offensive to pilots & pedophiles 7. Humor: Windows 95 Stuns World 8. 2 Gridiron Oldies (sexually crude, off. to Falcon Fans) 9. Law on the March 10. Tennessee citizens are sentient beings (off. to Southerns) 11. Instruction for the young bride 1 of 2 12. A professor is... 13. Top Ten Reasons for Trick-or-Treating 14. California Driving Lesson Q an A 15. Al Bundy does Elizabeth Barrett Browning 16. Little Red Riding Hood Revisited 17. Hunting Story 18. fwd: The Statements Car Owners are Really Making 19. movie titles 20. Nothing down? 21. oh-well... [slightly suggestive] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 23:49:08 -0700 From: K-A Subject: Computer Chickens [author unknown] >>In PC World, how does a chicken cross the road? >> >>NT Chicken: >> Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. >> >>OS/2 Chicken: >> It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that >> nobody noticed. >> >>Win 95 Chicken: >> You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it >> and it still tastes like ... chicken. >> >>Microsoft Chicken (TM): >> It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the >> road. >> >>OOP Chicken: >> It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. >> >>Assembler Chicken: >> First it builds the road ... >> >>C Chicken: >> It crosses the road without looking both ways. >> >>C++ Chicken: >> The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer >> to him on the other side. >> >>VB Chicken: >> USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) >> >>Delphi Chicken: >> The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other >> side. >> >>Java Chicken: >> If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will >> download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets) >> >>Web Chicken: >> Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. >> >>Gopher Chicken: >> Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. >> >>Newton Chicken: >> Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it >> across the road in your pocket ! >> >>Cray Chicken: >> Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in >> liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. >> >> >>Quantum Logic Chicken: >> The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the >> road until you observe it on the side of your course. >> >>Lotus Chicken: >> Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do ! >> >>Mac Chicken: >> No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the >> road, so there's no way to tell it to. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 09:36:25 +0200 From: Oruganty Jagannatha Rao Subject: Unix (language) Here are some of the funny outputs generated by UNIX commands : Author Unknown. -------------------------- $ man sex No manual entry for sex. Unix unfortunately is still a virgin. A poor joke ! Unix guys dont need to read the manual for sex. We are experts. $ telnet to_fuck Trying to_fuck ... On Unix YOU can f**k if you want to. On any Microsoft platform, THEY are f**king you all the time and you wont even know about it. $ ls -al /PRICK /PRICK not found Unix directory structure does not have a prick ! And it was developed by two people who call themselves men. Yup, Unix directory structure does not have a prick ! Unless you forget your prick out there and the guys who developed Unix sure didnt forget their pricks. $ cat her_bra cat: cannot open her_bra: No such file or directory Okay !! Now try ls -l her_bra ... $ ls -l her_bra her_bra not found. See ? Unix guys are so sexy, girls strip themselves beforehand in anticipation. Some men dont have to try too hard!! $ sleep with_pros sleep: bad character in argument Unix, u know, is an ascetic ! Unix is not an ascetic, but its not plain stupid too. Unix believes in SAFE SEX. That is why you dont have to run around for anti-viruses for UNIX. $ strip her_pants strip: her_pants: cannot open Not very effective. $ touch her_tits "No Comments", says Unix. How can anybody suck tits and make comments all at the same time ? -------------------------- -=)Juggy(=- Power tools and alcohol do not mix, of course Power tools are insoluble in alcohol! ------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 11:09:24 CET From: Piotr Plebaniak Subject: Quotes part 80 #CIGARETTE, N.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. #Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. #They also surf who only stand on waves. #I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. George McGovern #You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. F. Allen #Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. Dick Brandon #Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. #Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. #It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. #Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. #Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83, Financial Post #Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. #Never try to outstubborn a cat. Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" #How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? Elliot, "E.T." #Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. #I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. Galileo Galilei #Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. #Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. #Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" #Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" #The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. #Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. Ogden Nash #Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" #God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. Albert Einstein #Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. #Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. #"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." Winston Churchill ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 17:36:29 +0900 From: Patrick Gooley Subject: Daffynitions and sayings from AWAD Herewith a few sentences, silly definitions, and other "cute" items from recent editions of A Word a Day (through Sept 30) Note -- I'm not associated with awad except as an enthusiastic reader > > To subscribe or unsubscribe, please send a message to wsmith@wordsmith.org > with "Subject:" line as "subscribe " or "unsubscribe". > Email anu@wordsmith.org if you have any questions, comments or suggestions. > Archives, FAQ, words and more at the WWW site: http://www.wordsmith.org/awad/ > >Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching? >ELECELLERATION: Pressing an elevator button a lot to speed it up. >Journalism is merely history's first draft. -Geoffrey C. Ward > >The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue. > >Jumping to conclusions can be a bad exercise. > >It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much > doing nothing, really doing nothing. -Gertrude Stein > >This sentence no verb. > >Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn. > -Lewis Grizzard > >Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. > >Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from > the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent > disinclination to do so. -Douglas Adams [Last Chance to See] > >Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? > >DIPLOMACY is the art of letting someone else get your way. > >If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. > >Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs. -Aldous Huxley > >GRAD SCHOOL: the snooze button on the clock-radio of life. >-Comedian John Rogers (who holds a graduate degree in physics) > >Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise. > -Lord Chesterfield > >FRISBEETARIANISM, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on > the roof and gets stuck. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 06:50:55 PST From: Gregory V Pomykala Subject: Joke Rated: " Library of American Slang-Section 1 "Library of American Slang" Section 1 (not alphabetized - compiling still active). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ all that...(say to/ about another) /...good looking, pretty. all that...(you say about yourself) /..... vain, conceited. all that and a bag of chips /..extremely conceited, very pompous. (you say about yourself). all that and a bag of chips /...very handsome, gorgeous. (said to/about another). hook me up /........give to me, let me have. jonesin' /...............wanting/ craving/ needing. (pronounced joan-zin). bitchin' /................................quite acceptable. righteous/ groovy /..............up to date with thinking/ fashion & acceptable. in the groove / hip / cool /.................high level of acceptance and/or favorabilty. mellow /............mentally content, relaxed and satisfied. mellow out /....stop and reach a mental happy and content state. cool it /.........stop your physical and/or mental actions and chill / focus on the situation and/or calming down. chill out / far out /.......slightly and/or greatly advanced & quite acceptable. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 07:18:10 -0400 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Adult humor offensive to pilots & pedophiles An airline pilot comes home from a three day trip and finds his girl friend in the bedroom, obviously packing all her belongings. "It looks like you're leaving me he says". A stoney reply,"Yes I am". "And why may I ask?" "One word," she replys,"Pedophile". "My my," he says."That's a mighty big word for a seven year old." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 07:59:09 -0500 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Humor: Windows 95 Stuns World Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World Friday August 25 09:31 a.m. EDT Rob Freundlich rsf@mother.idx.com Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events. It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui, spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product." Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that. It's such a small planet!" On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's play some FreeCell!" Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City. On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission. When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!" Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=} Randall {=- "OS/2 is the operating system of the '90s" - Bill Gates ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 09:23:27 -0400 From: Jimmy Little Subject: 2 Gridiron Oldies (sexually crude, off. to Falcon Fans) (Heard on a local radio station here in Atlanta:) 1) The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): J. - Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mommy? LG - No, my mommy beats me. J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy. LG - No, my daddy beats me too. J. - Well then, who do you want to live with? LG - I want to live with the Falcons, they never beat anybody. 2) Q. How are a tampon and the Falcons alike? A. They both have only 1 string and they are only good for one period. ...JL Jimmy Little (jel50@amdahl.com) - All opinions expressed are MINE! "Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 09:42:07 -0400 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March No One Could Remember What He Looked Like A man wearing a Bob Dole mask held up a Chicago bank and escaped with $2400. As he left, the holdup man said, "Don't forget to vote." Source: Reuters ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 09:38:43 -0400 From: Robert C Oshinsky Subject: Tennessee citizens are sentient beings (off. to Southerns) WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--In a victory for advocates of states' rights, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 yesterday that Tennessee citizens are sentient beings with a capacity to make certain decisions for themselves. Chief Justice William Rehnquist, writing the Court's majority opinion, stated that, "The absence of higher forms of cognitive thinking skills on a statewide level does not preclude the application of the individual liberties guaranteed in the First Amendment to the residents of that state, no matter how strong the evidence is toward their collective lack of intelligence." The landmark decision, which experts say will forever alter the definition of a living organism south of the Mason-Dixon line, is based on the highly controversial McCardle v. Bratton case. In 1993, Boone, TN resident James "Bud" McCardle, a thrice-divorced, unemployed father of 11, was declared a "non-sentient being" by a Boone County judge after leaving his 2-year-old daughter in a car for eight hours while he attended an all-day NASCAR funny car time trial. In his decision, Boone County Judge Ernest G. Tubbs defined sentience as "the ability to perform certain basic functions, such as feeding oneself and avoiding falling off bridges," a definition McCardle failed to pass. McCardle was one of several thousand gap-toothed Tennesseeans arrested that year for a "profound and utter lack of brains," sparking a nationwide debate over the collective sentience of the state of Tennessee. Among the evidence cited to demonstrate the non-sentience of Tennessee: Opryland USA and Dollywood theme parks; its extreme proximity to similar cultural backwaters Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia; and the state's dead-last ranking among U.S. states in citizens-to-books ratio (70,000:1). Argued Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor in her statement yesterday: "Mr. McCardle and the other countless Tennesseeans who exhibit no sign of cerebral activity are sentient solely by virtue of the blood flow to the brain, regardless of the frequency and quality of activity with which the said brain happens to be engaged." O'Connor did qualify her remarks, adding: "Exceptions to this rule are the many Tennesseeans who continue to argue against evolution theory and its place in the state's public schools, despite its firmly established place among the natural sciences for more than 150 years." Four members of the Court, led by Justice David Souter, dissented from the majority. Referring to the legal tenet of "implicit non-applicability," Souter noted that, "The Founding Fathers clearly never intended the Bill of Rights to be applied to the chromosomal dumpsite that is the Volunteer State." Dana Hughes of the American Civil Liberties Union lauded today's decision as "a recognition that government officials must not be allowed to overly encroach on family matters, even families of profoundly stupid Southern morons." *From "The Onion" http://www.theonion.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 09:53:20 -0500 From: "Richard T. Linton" Subject: Instruction for the young bride 1 of 2 The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894: INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE (part 1 of 2) To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. to be continued........ ____________________________________________________ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 29 Sep 1996 08:52:56 -0700 From: "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" Subject: A professor is... "A professor is a person who talks in someone else's sleep." (borrowed from 1st Aid for Windows 95's shutdown screen.) ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 12:07:09 -0400 From: Susie Cua Subject: Top Ten Reasons for Trick-or-Treating 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. You can dress up in your girlfriend's clothes and no one will hassle you like last time. 4. If you wear a Newt Gingrich mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 11:15:13 -0500 From: Cereal Killer Subject: California Driving Lesson Q an A The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too shit faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 11:18:48 -0500 From: Bugman Ron Subject: Al Bundy does Elizabeth Barrett Browning This is my first contribution, I love rewriting poetry. If this doesn't cause too many I may post more. For those unfamiliar with American Sit Com TV, Al Bundy is a shoe salesman who just can't stand large women. Al Bundy does Elizabeth Barrett Browning How do I love thee? Let me count the "weighs" ORIGINAL PIECE I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death. And My version I love thee in spite, of that butterfly, bright Which was tattooed firm, upon your breast I mourn The breast that once, was firm and tight now hangs down to, your navel with fright And the butterfly, once, so small and cute is stretched out like a buzzard, making me puke In candle-light, where we doth dine for it lessens the view, of your huge behind That rump once firm, small, and tight hath consumed too many, dinners by light The poster child for Weight Watchers and Simmons will swallow whole, the fish and lemons Bread sticks, french fries, and baked potaters And what ever else was brought by the waiters Ah, after death, I will love most When I can once again, afford a roast when once again, I can dine in peace Your gastric noises hath finally ceased 12 pall bearers it took, to lay you low with a fork lift waiting, should one's back blow For that shipping crate we buried you in was huge and you, quite filled it in As they lowered you down into that hole to be covered up, like some fat mole I thought to my self, may she rest in peace And let's hope in heaven, cooks have lots of grease! -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning With a little help from Ron, "Bugman" Johnson bugman@airmail.net If re posting please keep my name with the piece. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 12:41:56 -0500 From: Jim Riley Subject: Little Red Riding Hood Revisited Author: John Martin at sat_col There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house - not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her. On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way." Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what a big nose you have - only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way." "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of the bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped. "And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him. "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve there own problems without a man's help!" When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 15:00:39 EDT From: "Martha E. Frantz" Subject: Hunting Story After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 17:20:57 -0400 From: "Joshua Ostroff (Joshua Ostroff)" Subject: fwd: The Statements Car Owners are Really Making I don't know who wrote this, but I hope you enjoy it (unless you drive a Trans Am and know where I live - in that case I disavow it) The Statements Car Owners are Really Making: ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler MGB - I am dating a mechanic Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even moreinferior than Isuzu Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife Supplemental: Ford Explorer - I'm a fat cat lawyer with money to burn No car - I live in a real city and don't need one ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ j Joshua Ostroff Virtual Media Resources | | | | | | | |||| http://www.vmr.com No endangered insects well, _almost_ no rare insects were destroyed in composing this message ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 17:15:33 EDT From: "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: movie titles ....Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister" 17> "Totally Gone With The Wind" >> 16> "Lift and Separate" >> 15> "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn" >> 14> "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't Fit in the Plot" >> 13> "The Weather Channel: The Movie" >> 12> "Schindler's Twist" >> 11> "Field of Debris" >> 10> "Dead Man Flying" >> 9> "I, Cumulus" >> 8> "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" >> 7> "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County" >> 6> "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto" >> 5> "Killer Genuine Draft" >> 4> "Four Weddings & A Funnel" >> 3> "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom" >> 2> "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm" >> >> and the Number 1 Rejected Title for the Movie "Twister..." >> >> 1> "Roofless in Seattle" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 17:31:04 -0400 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Nothing down? One golfer remarked to another, "I got some new golf clubs for my wife." His friend commented, "Gee, that's great! I wish I could make a trade like that." Lyle's Joke Boutique. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 15:05:31 -0700 From: Jack Kolb Subject: oh-well... [slightly suggestive] [posted with permission to exceed the usual HUMOR length] Thanks to Ginger Rinkevich Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does... Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately--our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Oct 1996 - Special issue ************************************************ -- End --