Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 02:00:00 -0500 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1996 to 2 Nov 1996 There are 15 messages totalling 483 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Growth 2. Officer Fitness Reports 3. the statue (adult) 4. classic riddle 5. Vincent Van Gogh (not off.) 6. Sweet Revenge 7. Proper Care of Disks 8. CHAT: Request 9. Halloween politics 10. Every 4th November 11. Froze my ass off 12. Airplane ride 13. Ohio (offensive to Congressmen) 14. Apathy 15. Email (contains word penis - sexually suggestive/inudendos) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 10:09:41 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: The Growth A guy goes to see a doctor and, after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him: "There's is good news and bad news. The good news is that your penis is growing and I expect it to grow 3 or 4 inches within a few weeks". "Wow!", says the guy, "And what is the bad news?" "It's malignant", replies the doctor. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 17:19:04 +0900 From: Pat Gooley Subject: Officer Fitness Reports >Subject: Officer Fitness Reports > >The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used >for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are >actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... > >- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. > >- I would not breed from this Officer. > >- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, > but more of a definitely won't-be. > >- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change > whichever foot was previously in there. > >- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire > satisfaction. > >- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. > >- Technically sound, but socially impossible. > >- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around > at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. > >- This young lady has delusions of adequacy. > >- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then > he has aged considerably. > >- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to > port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. > >- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. > >- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve > them. > >- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. > >- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. > >- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. > >- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. > >- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a > trap > >- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. > > Only occasionally wets himself under pressure Pat Gooley Tongmyong University of Information Technology (051) 629-7204 ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:38:00 +0200 From: Lize Lubbe Subject: the statue (adult) A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 07:06:57 EST From: Sean R Deardorff Subject: classic riddle Here is a classic riddle, the answer to my last riddle is after this one, and the answer to this one will be in my next post: As I was walking to St. Ives, I met a man with 7 wives, 7 wives had 7 kids, the7 kids had 7 kits. In all how many were walking to St. Ives? (I'm pretty sure I screwed up the rhyme, but the idea of the riddle came through) The man in the car had a convertible. BTW, I failed to add to the riddle that the man was in the car when he was shot, so everyone who said he was shot outside and got in the car, your answers could be correct for the way I worded it. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 07:11:22 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Vincent Van Gogh (not off.) Vincent Van Gogh had a real large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U.Gogh The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white - Hue Gogh The sister who wore a mini skirt and liked to dance in bars...Go Gogh The real obnoxious brother ......................Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ......................Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store .....Stop N Gogh His dizzy aunt ..................................Verti Gogh The cousin who moved to Illinois ...............Chica Gogh His magician uncle................................Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Mexico ..................Amee Gogh Another cousin who lived in Mexico ..............Grin Gogh Nephew that drove a stage coach..................Wells Far Gogh Uncle who was constipated....................... Cant Gogh Aunt who was a good dancer..................... TanGogh the half apeboy brother........Craig GoghRilla ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 18:04:00 EET From: Brian Myers Subject: Sweet Revenge Sweet Revenge (adult language, theme) This was forwarded to me, and is meant to be a true story. True or not, it's certainly chilling. ---------- If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming. To thank everyone for coming and bearing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F*** you", he turned to the bride and said "F*** you", and then said "I'm out of here". He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc. ==================== Top 10 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate (clean) ---------- 1. Stare at the TV as if hypnotized as long as it is off, when your roommate turns it on, act uninterested and read a book. 2. When your roommate is home, charge into the room, holding a broom as a rifle, scream ' The Nazis have come for us!", dive over the couch, and pretend to shoot about twenty of them, then put the broom away and go about your normal routine (repeat every hour) 3. Refuse to get dressed in front of the TV, whisper to your roommate " You never know what they're going to report next about me." 4. Quickly run up to your roommate, claim that it wasn't your fault, it was an accident, cling to his leg sobbing until he forgives you. 5. Fill an air tank with normal oxygen, claim that you're into inhaling helium, inhale some oxygen and then talk as deep as you can. 6. Rent or buy a fake sarcophagus, ask your roommate to 'wrap you up' every night with toilet paper before sleeping in it. 7. March around the room like a drill sergeant, eyeing your roommate sternly, smack a ruler in front of him, and order him to cut it out right now. Threaten to court-martial him. 8. Carve pumpkins everyday, throw the seeds and innards in your roommate's bed, tell him that they get sick easily and that his bed was the closest thing around to vomit in. 9. Watch alot of "Rocky and Bullwinkle" , get obsessed with Rocky, draw pictures of him, write letters in blood, and eventually dive out the window of your room. Repeat every day. 10. Wear some sunglasses and thick gloves, pretending to be in Virtual Reality, claim that this is the most boring game you've ever played, point towards your roommate and say how fake he looks. I dare you to defy this logic: If there was a perfect person, noone would like him/her because they are envious, right? which makes the PERFECT person IMperfect, right? Hey, I'm imperfect, so that makes ME a perfect person! ==================== A Letter to Dad and the Reply: -------------- Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad ================================================= Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-) If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall: "For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:14:45 EST From: Gareth Clark Subject: Proper Care of Disks 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:38:32 -0500 From: Shauna Brunette Subject: CHAT: Request Hi, I was wondering if anyone knows the joke about the man who goes to England and stays in a Hotel there. He brings his own soap and has a problem with the staff leaving little bars of soap in his room, little notes between staff and man ensue. If anyone has that joke can you please send it to me, it my favorite joke and I lost my copy. Shauna Brunette starla@soonet.ca http://www.soonet.ca/starla/youth.html http://www.soonet.ca/starla/beach/beach.html http://www.soonet.ca/starla/scary/scary.html http://www.soonet.ca/starla/xmas/xmas.html (coming soon) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Power corrupts; Absolute power.... coolies!!! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:13:58 -0600 From: TC Mangan Subject: Halloween politics This actually happened at my doorstep this Halloween: I answered the door to a boy about 12 years old, dressed in suit and tie, with his hair greyed out a bit. He held a pen in his right hand and was wearing a "Vote for Dole" pin on his lapel. "Trick-or-treat," he said. "Hello Mr. Dole," I said as I tossed some Snickers into his bag. He nodded, looked into the bag, looked me in the eye, and with a straight face said, "Bob Dole likes Snickers." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 13:41:52 EST From: "Martha E. Frantz" Subject: Every 4th November It's election time again. This one's probably altered for the candidates' names every four years... ________________________________ Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 16:28:49 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Froze my ass off Three Alaskan pipeline construction workers were living in igloos. The first one said it got so cold in his igloo, water poured from a glass froze before it hit the ground. The second worker said the same thing happened with a cup of hot coffee in his igloo. The third one said, "If you guys want to see a really cold igloo come take a look at mine." They walked into his igloo and saw a funny looking spot on his bed sheet . He took a pair of scissors and cut it out of the bed sheet and dropped it on a nearby space heater. After waiting for a few minutes until it thawed out a loud fart was heard. Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 16:37:23 EST From: Sean R Deardorff Subject: Airplane ride The pope, the president, the smartest black man in the world, and a boy scout were all riding a plane when the pilot announced that they were going to crash and they only had 3 parachutes aside from the ones for himself and the stewardess. The 3 immediately stated their cases as to why they should get a parachute. The pope stood up "I am the leader of the largest religion in the world therefore I get a parachute!" and with that the pope grabs a parachute and jumps, then the president gets up and says "I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world!" so the president grabs a parachute and jumps, finally the smartest black man in the world stands up and says "I am the smartest man in the world of my minority!" So with that the boy scout is left by himself, he goes up to the pilot laughing as hard as anyone has ever laughed before, and the pilot inquires "How can you laugh in the face of certain death?" and the boy scout replied "I'm not laughing at death, I'm laughing because the smartest black man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!" The man on his way to St. Ives was the only one walking there, he just met the others along the way, and seeing as how I completely slaughtered that rhyme here is what I belive to be the real thing, thanX to a person whos name I don't know but I will post when I get it: As I was walking to St Ives, I met a man with 7 wives. Every wife had 7 hats, every hat had 7 cats, every cat had 7 kits. Kits, cats, hats, and Wives, how many were going to St Ives? ======================= Wanna speak your mind? Subscribe to "Eschew Obfuscation", soon to be the best newsletter distributed via e-mail. The owners/moderators are me(Sean) and Jason Geist. We really need people who are willing to post, e-mail Jason at superguru@juno.com or me at slash5@juno.com. Sean-slash5@juno.com ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 20:35:35 -0500 From: "Robert V. Gerds" Subject: Ohio (offensive to Congressmen) If you look up Ohio in a fact book it is listed as the 17th state. Technically it is the 48th state, because congress forgot to vote on the resolution until 1953. \|/ @-@ --------------------------------ooO---(_)---Ooo--------------------------------- Robert Gerds | Gerds@xavier.xu.edu | If a mute swears, 3800 Victory Pky#8341 | 310557@xavier.xu.edu | does his mother Cincinnati, OH 45207 | Gerds@gnn.com | make him wash his (513)985-8440 | http:\\xavier.xu.edu:8000\~gerds | hands with soap? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 21:45:30 EST From: Bill Subject: Apathy One good thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to show you're sincere about it. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 23:38:34 -0600 From: Lawrence Subject: Email (contains word penis - sexually suggestive/inudendos) REASONS WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS: 1. Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it would be devasted if it were ever cut off. They think that those who dont have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. 2. Those who dont hove it may agree that its an nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have it would like to try it. 3. It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. 4. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 5. Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do. 6. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late. 7. If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. 8. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 10. It youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in trouble. 11. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?" 12. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1996 to 2 Nov 1996 ********************************************** -- End --