Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 02:00:07 -0500 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1996 to 3 Nov 1996 There are 13 messages totalling 451 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Scottish Brew 2. Political Joke 3. Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers. 4. The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires 5. Woody Woodpecker doesn't make it to the INTERNET 6. 10 Reasons your girlfriend might leave you for a woman (Lesbian offensive) 7. Dirty Humor (language, adult themes, off. to women) 8. Stupid laws (part 2 of 2) 9. (3) 10. Lost control! 11. Men's Life Styles Through the Ages (may be offensive to some men) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 10:20:17 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Scottish Brew McAteer arrives at J.F.K. Airport and wanders about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asks him if he was already homesick. "No,"says McAteer. "I've lost all my luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," replies the Scotsman ----------------- i hav a feelink tahtt mi spelink cheker iz aktin ap... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 30 Oct 1996 16:02:56 -0500 From: Brian Weston Subject: Political Joke Hey everyone!! I just thought this simple joke would be appropriate seeing as though the elections are less than a week away. Clinton/Gore '96 Q: What is the difference between God and Bob Dole? A: God doesn't think he's Bob Dole... Oh, and by the way...thank you for all of the golf jokes that everyone forwarded me. I am now looking for all top ten, seventeen, whatever number of top Unumber~ lists. Forward them to westonb@athena.sunyocc.edu See you all around... ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 11:40:53 -0500 From: gwen eckman Subject: Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers. Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers. 1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffine in about 6 hours. 2. You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head. 3. You think the cleaning lady is sining in tune. 4. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizare rules of grammer but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense. 5. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream). 6. You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it. 7. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile). 8. You wonder when the invasion will begin. 9. You understand #8. 10. You write a list like this. 11. You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} U~ or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its represion man fight back!). 12. You dream in 3-D ray traced graphics. 13. You fail to understand what life would be like without caffine. 14. You have a gif of your signifigant other and see that more then them. 15. You become mesmerized by Xeyes (look they're following me). 16. You think some comments on this list are funny. 18. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just cuz. 19. You know how to get 2lg(lg(N)) in a guess my number game. 20. You know more programming commands than actual words. 21. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command. (cdonohue@udel.edu) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 13:39:03 -0500 From: Susie Cua Subject: The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!" 10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. 9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira. 8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around. 7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits. 6. No warm blood for miles around DC. 5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots. 4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body. 3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies." 2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey. and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires... 1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards. U This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ~ U *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ~ U The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ~ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 16:48:59 -0500 From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE Subject: Woody Woodpecker doesn't make it to the INTERNET OK, I can't speak for the veracity of this one! It's supposed to be from Electrical(E?) Engineering(E?) Times, it's a report about another one of those vexing little problems in cross-cultural product naming... Ask Ted if you don't understand! Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 16:20:43 -0500 From: Ted Caldwell Subject: UFwd: language~ Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinately. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang. -From EE Times, October 8, 1996 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 09:45:37 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: 10 Reasons your girlfriend might leave you for a woman (Lesbian offensive) TOP TEN REASONS YOUR GIRLFRIEND MIGHT LEAVE YOU FOR A WOMAN 10. Doesn't whine about affirmative action taking away "your" promotions 9. Knows what the clitoris is 8. Even if she does sit around in a dirty tshirt watching television, she at least knows how to wash it herself. 7. Knows where the clitoris is. 6. Doesn't think sexual harassment has been "blown way out of proportion" 5. She may not know how to fix a car, but, let's face it buddy, neither do you 4. Doesn't respond to "I want to talk about our relationship" with "Oh, Jesus Christ, here we go again" 3. Willing to stop and ask for directions before seeing bleached bones lying alongside the road 2. Two words: "sharing clothes" 1. Someday you're going to look like Bob Dole ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 17:51:00 EET From: Brian Myers Subject: Dirty Humor (language, adult themes, off. to women) The Creation of a Pussy ---------- Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was Mc Gee, punched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT. ==================== A visiting golfer is driving his new Cadillac through backwoods country and stops at a one-pump gas station. A hillbilly comes out to fill the tank and starts looking inside of the car. "What's that thing?" he asks, pointing to the stereo. "It's a CD/cassette player with 12 speaker stereo sound," replies the golfer. "Whoa, this car's got everything!" says the hillbilly. "What's that thing?" "That's the automatic cruise control, lets me set the speed and I don't have to step on the gas pedal," says the golfer. "Whoa, this car's got everything!" Pointing to some tees on the seat the hillbilly inquires, "What'er those things for?" "I put my balls on them to drive." "Whoa, this car's got EVERYTHING!!!" ==================== A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell. The lady opens the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!" The lady says, "Well, aren't you cute! What are you supposed to be?" The boy, miffed because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!" The lady, not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?" The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!" ================================================= Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-) If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall: "For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it! ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 11:58:00 -0500 From: "jon (j.) bisbey" Subject: Stupid laws (part 2 of 2) Nebraska: 1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service. New Mexico: 1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. New York: 1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. North Dakota: 1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. Ohio: 1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. Oklahoma: 1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. 2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. 3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. Pennsylvania: 1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. Texas: 1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. 2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. Vermont: 1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night. Washington: 1. All lollipops are banned. 2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. West Virginia: 1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 14:27:23 -0500 From: Bill Robinson Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet What the Country is Talking About This Week... {Entertainment Weekly} November 8, 1996 1. {Dear God} The Post Office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don't deliver His mail, what chance have we g s and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size. 9. {Donald Trump} He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pagents. His daughter couldn't decide which one she wanted to win. 10. {Melissa Etheridge} She a . Copyright 1996, Entertainment Weekly, Inc. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 22:16:24 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Lost control! A young boy had a penis so big his mother warned him not to have anything to do with girls because he might kill one of them. Through the grapevine, his teacher heard about his unusual size, kept him after school and suggested they have sex. He was horrified and expressed concern he might kill her. She scoffed at the idea, said she would be on top of him and in control and nothing bad could possibly happen. He reluctantly agreed but the teacher felt such wonderful sensations she fainted from pure ecstasy. Thinking he had killed her, the boy ran from the classroom sobbing and screaming, "I killed her, I killed her!" All at once he stopped running and says, "Wait a minute, no way could I have killed her. She was on top of me and in control and must have committed suicide!" Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 14:27:23 -0500 From: Bill Robinson Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet What the Country is Talking About This Week... {Entertainment Weekly} November 8, 1996 1. {Dear God} The Post Office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don't deliver His mail, what chance have we g ! s and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size. 9. {Donald Trump} He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pagents. His daughter couldn't decide which one she wanted to win. 10. {Melissa Etheridge} She a ! . Copyright 1996, Entertainment Weekly, Inc. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 14:27:23 -0500 From: Bill Robinson Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet What the Country is Talking About This Week... {Entertainment Weekly} November 8, 1996 1. {Dear God} The Post Office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don't deliver His mail, what chance have we g ! ! s and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size. 9. {Donald Trump} He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pagents. His daughter couldn't decide which one she wanted to win. 10. {Melissa Etheridge} She a ! ! . Copyright 1996, Entertainment Weekly, Inc. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 00:16:20 -0500 From: gwen eckman Subject: Men's Life Styles Through the Ages (may be offensive to some men) Men's Lifestyle through the Ages ********************************* AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping DRUG 17 pot 25 coke 35 really good coke 48 power 66 coke, a limousine, the company jet DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't bump into her kids." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking his company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave HOUSE PET 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbi WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Nov 1996 to 3 Nov 1996 ********************************************** -- End --