Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 02:00:00 -0500 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1996 to 4 Nov 1996 There are 9 messages totalling 383 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. It's been a while (sexual theme) 2. dangerous cars {clean} 3. In The News - Politics, Halloween, OJ Simpson 4. HUMOR List Traffic Report 5. The Weight Loss Plan (sexual theme) 6. Guy Fawkes' Day & The American Election 7. The Golden Rule and political ads 8. Twas the night of the party 9. Let it all hang out! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 13:00:59 GMT From: Michael Forster Subject: It's been a while (sexual theme) I had sex recently, but before that it was *ages* since I last had any. In fact it was so long, that when I came, I called out *my* name. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 09:34:03 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: dangerous cars {clean} TWO LOCAL MEN INJURED IN FREAK ACCIDENT Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, leaving the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might have been dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened", said Deputy Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 13:36:11 -0800 From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Politics, Halloween, OJ Simpson In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times WARNING - May be offensive to former Winter Olympic ice skaters, accused Summer Olympic bombers, Kato Kaelin, Mark Fuhrman, includes sexual reference President Clinton won a mock election held on the Nickelodeon cable channel. Of course, Bob Dole won on the History Channel, and Ross Perot won on Comedy Central. Hillary Clinton celebrated her 49th birthday last weekend. The White House had a big party for her. They played Pin-Whitewater-On-Hillary, and even had a pinata filled with Indonesian cash. Bob Dole is getting desperate. First he quits the Senate. Then he asks Ross Perot to drop out. Now I hear he's trying to meet with Tonya Harding. Atlanta nonbomber Richard Jewell reportedly has been offered a movie role. I'm guessing not for the remake of "Presumed Innocent". The E! Channel is staging reenactments of the OJ Simpson civil trial based on court transcripts. They have actors pretending to be lawyers and OJ pretending to be innocent. OJ offered to play himself, but they wanted someone more believable. Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. The original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out a huge stack of double coupons. The new Stephen King features a lawyer and is titled "Thinner". It's based on a Reader's Digest story, "I Am OJ's Wallet". Speed demon Craig Breedlove crashed his jet powered car at 675 mph. Engineers are calculating the upward trajectory of his insurance rates. Pope John Paul II proclaimed his belief that God and science can coexist. Of course they can. Who do you think got me through my chemestry tests? Researchers say men and women perceive pain differently. For example, women feel pain during childbirth, while men feel pain during Monday Night Football. Informants say mob leaders want to oust John Gotti as head of the Gambino family. Insiders claim it will take a lot to fill his shoes. Yeah, like two bags of cement... A clinic in Arizona is testing caffeine in IV drips for patients who get headaches after surgery. The best part of waking up, is Folger's in your arm. (Leno) And finally, among this years most popular Halloween costumes: The Dick Morris (go for the tricks, not the treats) The Ross Perot (preshrunk, looked better in '92) The JFK Jr. (sorry, no longer available) The Jack Kevorkian (it's to die for) The Shannon Lucid (looks good in the Mir) The Joycelyn Elders (you'll need a hand to get it on) The Heidi Fleiss (you'll need to call to reserve it) The Kato Kaelin (rents for free) The Mark Furhman (no lie, it's unbelievable) The Johnnie Cochran (if it doesn't fit... well... you know) The Jim Carrey (comes with Mask) The Kramer (no nee dto ring the doorbell, just barge in) ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 16:49:01 -0500 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hi, everyone, this is Jim, with the Traffic Report for the HUMOR list. Every week, I send this out to the contributors on HUMOR, and once a month (on the first Sunday) I send it to the entire list. In the past, I have sent a lengthy email to the entire list, but beginning this month, I will only give my comments (like this) the numbers, and a quick joke. If you are reading these words, enjoy the humor that you regularly read on this list, and would like the privilege of being allowed to post, you need to take a short test that verifies you understand the rules of the list, and have some kind of understanding with the way our listserver works. You can get this test, along with the rules of the list and the listserver by sending an email to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU with the command GET HUMOR GUIDE The command goes in the body of the email. It's a computer, so you don't need to say "please" and "thank you." The guide, incidentally, is also on HUMOR's website. The main page for the website is at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html (for those of you who do not spell the way we crazy Americans do, please note the spelling of the word "humor.") The guide is at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html. I would like to announce a change that not very many people may have noticed because of how simple it is, but every part of the website now has Java embedded in it. I am currently in the process of teaching this scripting language to myself, and I have changed the part of the pages with the "Last Updated on" from something I did manually to something the computer will do for me. If your browser doesn't support Java, nothing will happen, and I have tried *very* hard to keep it from crashing your computer. :) And finally, if you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com (please note that this is a change from last month, as mindspring bought out interramp, my previous provider...), or visit my own home page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn... I'll see y'all next month. (Hey. This is UGA, or the University of Georgia, isn't it???) Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 October - 2 November (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 27 Sunday 7 11 8 7 4 28 Monday 13 18 11 14 13 29 Tuesday 16 22 8 14 12 30 Wednesday 17 14 14 13 14 31 Thursday 10 18 14 15 13 1 Friday 25 26 16 14 15 2 Saturday 9 8 9 8 13 Averages 13.9 16.7 11.4 12.1 12.0 Subscriptions 8 494 8 571 8 645 8 783 8 986 Countries 86 88 88 88 88 Contributors 814 822 829 828 827 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. And now a quick joke. Subject: Remember 1996! < The United States Postal Service is known for putting out "Commemorative Stamps" every year, to help us remember certain individuals and events in recent history. The U.S. Federal Reserve Board is thinking of following suit, and their first set of "Commemorative Treasury Bonds" will be dedicated to the Presidential and Congressional campaigns of 1996. The Gingrich Bond will have no maturity. The Clinton Bond will have no principle. The Dole Bond will have no future. Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 00:12:00 EET From: Brian Myers Subject: The Weight Loss Plan (sexual theme) Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU." ================================================= Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-) If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall: "For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 16:22:00 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Guy Fawkes' Day & The American Election Guy Fawkes Day is on the same day as the American Election this year... Since Guy Fawkes Day commemorates the gunpowder plot, where the Catholics were accused of trying to blow up the Protestant British Parliament in order to effect a change of government, I find that ironic that the Americans are also doing something to change government on Guy Fawkes Day 8-) God bless, Ian ........................................................................ Ian Chai http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 09:07:14 -0500 From: George Hughes Subject: The Golden Rule and political ads It's kinda ironic that the folks who claim to be the most concerned about good character and Christian values are the same folks who are spending tons money throwing mud at their political opponents. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? My guess is that these folks are more interested the the gold they'll get if that get to rule. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 23:47:30 EST From: Sean R Deardorff Subject: Twas the night of the party Many thanks to Anne Strohm for the correct St. Ives rhyming. Here is a nice little poem stated as well as I can remember it, but it is still good: (Parody of Twas the night before Christmas) 'Twas the night of the party, and all through the town; Not a cop was stirring, not a pig around We drank Seagrams 7 and smoked Panama Red While visions of munchies danced in our heads; When all of a sudden a knock at the door, We all shouted "Pigs!" and fell to the floor. And what to our red hazy eyes should appear But a pound of Columbian and 2 kegs of beer. The man at the door gave us a smile; So we invited him in, to party a while; He sat in the corner and started to roll; So we toked up a pipe and sparked up a bowl; And as he went off on that dark hazy night he said "Merry Juana to all, and to all a good high!" ==== If you would like to become active in a newsletter where you can speak your mind, subscribe to Eschew Obfusctaion, but we need people who will contribute and post frequently, e-mail Jason at superguru@juno.com or Sean at slash5@juno.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 00:39:05 -0500 From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Let it all hang out! Stanley comes home from work feeling depressed. When Stella asks why he's down in the dumps he says, "All day long its been nothing but Pollock jokes." "Why don't you fight back?" she asks. "I can't because they're true. Look at what a mess our house is. Look at yourself, your dress is dirty and torn and you've got one of your breasts hanging out!" "Oh, no!" she screams, "I'm afraid I left the baby on the bus again!" Lyle's Joke Boutique ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Nov 1996 to 4 Nov 1996 ********************************************** -- End --