Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 02:00:00 -0500 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1996 to 3 Dec 1996 There are 19 messages totalling 658 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Did Ya Ever Wonder... 2. I'll never be a pin-up 3. Food for thought... (not off.) 4. Twins, twins, twins, ... 5. Lawyer Jokes - Part 1/13 (off to Lawyers? naaawww) 6. Now generation 7. Bimbo-Blonde Jokes 9. Psychology humor...(offensive to democrats)... 10. CLINTON JOKES#5 11. Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe 12. Engineering - may be offensive to engineers 13. Murphy's 20 Laws of Combat 14. It Wasn't Fair! (Adult) 15. Adult language, Offensive to religious people 16. A couple mild ones from my wife 17. Star Wars vs. Star Trek 18. vetanarian joke 19. my new stereo ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 08:52:49 GMT From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Did Ya Ever Wonder... Did ya ever wonder... * If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? * What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant? * Is it possible to be totally partial? * What's another word for thesaurus? * Can you be a closet claustrophobic? * Why people who know the least know it the loudest? * If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? * If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? * When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? * Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? * If the cops arrest a mime, does he have the right to be noisy? * How a fool and his money got together in the first place ? ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 13:45:24 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: I'll never be a pin-up Last week, I received an anonymous fax and I thought of sharing it with you, as it is perhaps worth a couple of giggles. The joke is on me, anyway. The letterhead, nicely done, but without address, states: PLAYGIRL THE INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN And this is the text: Dear Maurizio, We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid pictures which you sent recently. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use you as "Playgirl's Man of the Month" centerfold. When rated by our panel of Average American Women (AAW), on a scale from 1 to 10, your body was rated a minus 2. A minus 2 on the AAW scale indicates that you would only be attractive to an unmarried or widowed female, age 60 to 75, who had not been involved with sex for at least seven years. To further confirm this finding, we submitted your photographs to a panel of women in the age bracket of 25 to 35. Unfortunately, we were unable to stop them from laughing long enough to take a significant measure of their reaction. Please be assured that, should the taste of American women ever alter so drastically that bodies of your stature are in demand, you will be notified. Meanwhile, don't call us, we'll call you. Sincerely, (Illegible signature) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 07:59:43 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: Food for thought... (not off.) A Summary of the World Facts If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people.......with all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere (North and South) and 8 Africans. 51 would be female; 49 male 70 would be nonwhite; 30 white. 70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian. 50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people, and all 6 would be citizens of the United States. 80 would live in substandard housing. 70 unable to read. 50 would suffer from malnutrition. 1 would be near death, 1 would be near birth Only 1 would have a college education. No one would own a computer !! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 08:00:33 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Twins, twins, twins, ... Do you know about the couple that had 3 pairs of twins? The first they called : Peter and Repeater The second they called: Max and Climax and ... the third they called : Stop and Fullstop ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 08:02:00 -0600 From: "Bakken, Brian" Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 1/13 (off to Lawyers? naaawww) Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research? A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings. ------------------------ Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. ------------------------ Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. ------------------------ One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!" ------------------------ Q:How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A:His lips are moving. ------------------------ Q: What do lawyers do after they die? A: They lie still. ------------------------ A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said. "What does you mother do all day?" Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?" Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ----------------------- The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates. ----------------------- A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 00:07:00 +0900 From: "MG HALL Subject: Now generation This is my first pending. I hope that you enjoy them. Here are a few jokes that you must read, My four year old frandson had just gotten a new pair of camp shorts, complete with many zippered pockets and a swivel loop intended for a jacknife. "Do you know what that loop is for?" I asked him. "Sure I do," he replied. "That's for my beeper." @-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@ When I heard the sound of the ice-cream wagon's beel and saw my front door wide open, I suspected that my 2 1/2 year-old son had run outside. As I caught up with him, I saw that he was clutching something in his hand. It was my credit card. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 16:12:46 +0000 From: Barny Shergold Subject: Bimbo-Blonde Jokes Subject: Q: How do you get a fat girl into a lift? A: Grease her hips, and throw in a bar of chocolate. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 11:33:24 -0400 From: James Bologna Subject: Psychology humor...(offensive to democrats)... A story forwarded from a anonymous poster (seen several years ago): The other day in my Introductory Psychology course the class was discussing Frued and his Theory of Consciousness. In Freud's theory, there are basically three divisions of human awareness. The id is instinct and desire for pleasure, the superego is conscience and morality, and the ego is kind of like the self, or the part of an individual which "blends" the id and the superego. The instructor asked the class what kind of person would be characterized as having an overdeveloped id, and someone correctly answered "a criminal, or a child." Then she asked what kind of person might have an overdeveloped superego. I said without thinking, "a Democrat?" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 12:02:57 -0400 From: Jeffrey Reid Baker Subject: CLINTON JOKES#5 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 5 of 20) --------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a Clinton appointee and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? Where you put the dirtbag. <--------> What were Vincent Foster's last words? "Bill, how am I ever going to keep all this stuff a secret?" <--------> Bill Clinton was asked upon his return to Washington from Arkansas if he was tired from the long drive. "Nope", he said, "Hillary did all the driving. All I did was steer." <--------> Stop being so critical of Bill Clinton! He's doing the work of 3 men. Moe, Larry, and Curly! <--------> Slick Willy says he wants all of us to be upstanding citizens. I guess he's going to take our furniture too! <--------> During a renaissance weekend, Slick Willy and Al Gore were co-captains of the same tug-of-war team. They were the 1st and 2nd jerks. <--------> Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator. Hillary grabs the stop button and pulls it out, stranding the pair between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor and says "Rush, make me feel like a woman!" Rush strips off his clothes, throws them to the floor, and says "OK. Fold those." <--------> What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? Lip gloss. <--------> What is it a female goose can do, a female duck can't do, and Hillary should do? Stick her bill up her ass. <--------> What does Hillary use for birth control? Her personality! ------------------------------------------------------ --- The measure of a man's character --- --- is what he would be if he knew --- --- he would never be found out. --- ------------------------------------------------------- Jokes excerpted from: THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY BILL CLINTON JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK (c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 18:03:17 +0100 From: Jan Willem Frederikze Subject: Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Douglas Adams Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things. Unknown It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. John Andrew Holmes Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. Max Frisch In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Douglas Adams Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. Christopher Morley The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 15:24:48 -0500 From: MaryAnn Aquilino - IFS-QA Subject: Engineering - may be offensive to engineers During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 15:15:32 -0500 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: Murphy's 20 Laws of Combat MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT ----------------------- 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 16:24:20 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It Wasn't Fair! (Adult) Two dogs were watching an X-rated porno video. When it came to the real steamy part, one dog said to the other:"Well, how do you like that! When we do it, they throw water on us!" ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 18:56:23 -0500 From: Tejas Mehta Subject: Adult language, Offensive to religious people *****Thanks Raja.***** There were three priests at a railroad station who had to go to Pittsburg for a conference -- they varied in age, one was old and experienced, one was middle aged and thought he knew more than he did, and one was a young greenhorn. They hadn't yet bought their tickets, so the youngest one was delegated for the job. He went up to the counter whre a young, voluptuous blonde was working. "Excuse me, Miss," said the young priest, his eyes fixed on the girl."Could I please have three tickets for Titsburg?" Immediately, the young priest realized with horror what he had said and retreated to where his colleagues were standing. He confessed what had happened, and the oldest priest delegated their middle-aged confrere to request the tickets. The middle aged priest went up to the ticket counter, where the young, extraordinarily curvaceous and voluptuous blonde was still waiting to serve customers. He peered down, with a certain amount of anxious curiosity, the young woman's firmly outlined breasts and cleared his throat officiously. "Excuse me, Miss," he said in his best pulpit voice. "May I have three tickets to Pittsburg and also some nipples and dimes for the vending machine?" Realizing his mistake almost as quickly as his younger colleague, he retreated from the counter in shame and confessed what had happened to the older priest. The older priest listened with a sense of superiority and finally determined to complete the mission himself. He approached the ticket counter with enormous aplomb. The young woman, her low, alluring cleavage plainly in view but which the priest disdained to look at, glanced up innocently at him. "Excuse me, Miss," he said calmly. "I would like to purchase three tickets to Pittsburg and procure some nickles and dimes for the vending machines. And may I say, young lady," he added in solemn tones, "that if you do not correct your behavior and manner of dress, when your time comes -- as it must for all living flesh -- and you rise to heaven and are awaiting judgement at the Gates of Heaven -- St. Finger is going to point his Peter at you." ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 20:42:18 -0600 From: "D. B. Christian" Subject: A couple mild ones from my wife My wife works for a company that manages a lot of information, and they relie heavily on their copier. This afternoon, when it stopped for the third time in ten minutes with a major blockage, my wife turned to her boss and said, "Jammit, jammit, jammit!" Then, later this evening, I read to her this account from the daily newspaper, the Grand Forks Herald: Baboon Revenge More than 30 angry baboons killed a man out of revenge in the Totot District of southeastern Uganda, according to a report from the _New Vision_ newspaper. A local council official said that the human victim, Okecho, killed a male baboon for damaging his maize and babna platations. More than 30 other baboons converged at Okecho's compound and "mourned like human beings" before carrying their fallen comrad [sic] into the forest. neighbors said that the animals later returned and stromed the farmer's house, knocking down the door. A _New Vision_ reporter reaching the scene saw Okecho lying in a pool of blood with a large hole in his chest where the heart had been pulled out. After I finished reading this, she looked at me and deadpannedly proclaimed, "We best not be pissin' off baboons." David Christian, MA (aka Bjorn) Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian UofNoDak Grand Forks ND If God hadn't wanted me to be uptight...why would there be coffee and graduate school? ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 19:37:30 -0800 From: K-A Subject: Star Wars vs. Star Trek [author unknown] >> TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS >> WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE >> -------------------------------------------- >> >>10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun". >> >>9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and >> a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the >> same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. >> >>8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess >> Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian >> starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. >> >>7) One word: Lightsabers. >> >>6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. >> >>5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not. >> >>4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he >> encounters. >> >>3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. >> >>2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named >> "Slave I". >> >>1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter >> impulse power --- Han Solo floors it. >> ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 14:26:02 -1000 From: Ian Ibbetson Subject: vetanarian joke The local veterinarian went to a farm in a small town in Texas to inseminate a cow, when he got to the shed the lady of the farm was waiting for him and said "Here is a bucket of warm water, soap and a towel and I have put a 4" nail in the wall for you" The vet looked somewhat puzzled and said "I thank you for the water soap and towel, but what is the nail for? The lady answered "Oh, that's for hanging your trousers on"! ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 07:51:21 +0100 From: Theo Legters Subject: my new stereo This couple had a boring marriage. 'He, why did you buy a car stereo ??? You don't even own a car.' 'Shut up, yesterday you bought a bra, didn't you ??' ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Dec 1996 to 3 Dec 1996 ********************************************** -- End --