Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 02:00:01 -0500 From: Automatic digest processor Subject: HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1996 to 5 Dec 1996 There are 20 messages totalling 841 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. PJ's (Part 2/2) 2. Women 3. Question 4. Safe Sex 5. Exercise humor 6. Donations - suggestive 7. laws of physics 8. Lawyer Jokes - Part 3/13 (off to Lawyers? do we care?) 9. the mulla kyle knows about santa claus 10. CLINTON JOKES#7 (2) 11. A little known Egyptian fact 12. Coffee, tea, or Charmins? (scatalogical) 13. SOME HALLOWEEN FUN ( Adult Humor) 14. Yet, ONE MORE Genie joke... 15. "new" system problems 16. animal crackers 17. A Letter Home (3) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 09:17:15 +0100 From: Oruganty Jagannatha Rao Subject: PJ's (Part 2/2) Teacher : Sam, who first invented underground tunnels? Sam : Worms, Sir? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor : Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue. Patient : Why do I have to face the window? Doctor : Because I don't like the man next door. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Tara : I think our school is haunted. Mara : Why do you say that? Tara : Because the principal is always going on and on about the school spirit. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Sidney : Did you have a good holiday? Edna : No. It rained every day. Sidney : Then how did you get that lovely tan? Edna : That's no tan - that's rust. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer : Waiter, what's this fly doing in my ice-cream? Waiter : Looks like it's learning to ski. -------------------------------------------------------------------- A man wanted to buy a present for his mother, so he went into a pet shop and paid a hundred bucks for a mynah bird. It was a very special bird, which could speak six languages and recite the alphabet backwards. He had the bird sent round to his mother, and later on he rang her up to ask her: "How did you like the bird?" "Fine," replied his mother. "It was delicious!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:46:14 GMT From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Women Women !!! God luv 'em... * Whoever first called women the "fairer sex" knew nothing whatever about justice. - - - - - * A mail clerk for a Judge never had any trouble scoring at all with the ladies. However, the Judge had a paralegal working for him that would not even glance in the clerk's direction. Finally one day, he decided on the direct approach. He saundered up and said "Hey baby. How's about you and me getting together for a cozy weekend in a quiet out-of-the-way motel. It'd be a blast, fer shure." She replied, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic congenial tete-a-tete." "I don't get it," he said. "Exactly !!!" she smiled. - - - - - * As the holiday season approaches, may I suggest the traditional French eggnog: four egg yolks, 2 teaspoons of sugar, half-gallon of eggnog ice cream, four jiggers of cognac in a tall, warm lass. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 05:08:53 -0500 From: VAN ZYL JA Subject: Question Q: What has two lips,it's constantly wet,has no teeth,and has a tongue? A: An old lady's mouth ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 12:13:33 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Safe Sex Background: BOOTS is a British chain of Chemist Stores. You knew that already? Ok, cool, didn't mean to be patronizing.... :-) A guy in London walks into a Chemist shop and asks the sales attendant: "I would like a pack of Durex Featherlite, please." The attendant says: "I'm sorry, sir, but we have run out of stock. Have you tried Boots?". And the man replies: "Yes, I have, but it gets out of the lace holes!" (I'm disgusting, but considering that I used to be utterly appalling, I believe I've made progress). ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:05:23 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Exercise humor How to Loose Weight Without Exercise Proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. Many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:05:29 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Donations - suggestive A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man - "What are you doing here today?" Woman - "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man - "Hmmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man - "Oh, hi there. Here to donate blood again?" Woman - (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh, unh." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:34:06 -0500 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: laws of physics LAWS OF PHYSICS GRAND PRIZE WINNER When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. RUNNERS-UP: #1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. #2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. #3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. #4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. HONORABLE MENTION: #1 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. #2 The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way. #3 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 07:50:00 -0600 From: "Bakken, Brian" Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 3/13 (off to Lawyers? do we care?) A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney. ------------------------ An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used." ------------------------ Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable." ------------------------ As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure." ----------------------- A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow." "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:39:00 -0500 From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: the mulla kyle knows about santa claus explanatory prologue: [for those of you new to this list, or those of you who have forgotten, The Mulla Nasrudin is a Sufi character whose origins predates Islam in his homeland of Persia (modern Iran). Nasrudin is an eternal sophomore. Mulla is a religious title which implies the person is a teacher, leader, and even a magistrate.] it's been a number of years since i've had anything to relate as to the wisdom of my son, kyle. the reason is partly that he lives with his mother some 40 km. away, ever since our divorce. i am not exposed to his wit and wisdom on a daily basis, any longer. finally, though, once again there is an anecdote to relate from the books of the mulla kyle! :) - - - - - the mulla kyle knows about santa claus i have fallen on some relatively hard times, recently, and things are going to be tight for christmas, this year. kyle is ten. as he was perusing the local toy-store catalogues in the "little sections" of the sunday paper, with me looking surreptitiously over his shoulder, he ran across an item that ran upwards of $200. his reaction was, "oooh! cool!!" i told him, "santa can't afford that, this year." his innocent inquiry was, "why? i thought santa can afford anything?" i answered, "not this year." he asked, "how do you know? are you santa?" well, now, as an aside, let me explain that i have never lied to him about santa. i've always told him that those guys he goes to visit in the mall, and at church, and at kiddie bingo day are all santa's *helpers* and not the old man, himself. never having asked me point-blank before, though, i still knew what my answer was going to be. besides, i figured that it was about time, at ten years old, eh? so, i said, "yes, kyle, i'm santa. your mom's santa. grandpa is santa. your other grandparents are santa. uncle craig and aunt chris are santa." he thought for all of about a second before stating, quite firmly, "yeah, right!" i know when i'm licked. i shut up. :) be seeing you, oxo ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:48:48 -0400 From: Jeffrey Reid Baker Subject: CLINTON JOKES#7 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3Diso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 7 of 20) --------------------------------------------- A heavenly conversation from the future: "Who were you amongst the living my son?"=20 "I was Bill Clinton, President of the United States."=20 "Then sit here on my right hand. Now... who were you?"=20 "I was Al Gore, Vice President of the United States."=20 "Then sit here on my left hand. Now... who were you?"=20 "I was Hillary Rodham.=20 And what's your butt doing in my chair!" <--------> Hillary returned to the White House one day right after her annual physical examination. Bill Clinton said, "How did your exam go?" =20 Hillary beamed, "The doctor told me I had the breasts of a 25 year old!"=20 "That's great, honey."=20 Then he added, with a little bit of contempt, "And what did he say about your 47 year old ass?" to which Hillary replied "Nothing Willie, your name never came up." <--------> Why couldn't Hillary drive Chelsea to work on "take your daughter to work" day?=20 Her broom is a compact. <--------> Know why Bill Clinton loves to play golf?=20 It=92s a game which involves getting your balls into a hole with the leas= t number of strokes. <--------> Introducing the new =93Bill Clinton Golf Ball=94.=20 A good lie is guaranteed every time. <--------> One day, while Bill Clinton is jogging, he comes across a little boy looking into a cardboard box and says, "Hey kid, what's in the box?"=20 The kid says, "My dog just had puppies".=20 Bill Clinton asks him what kind of dogs they are. "These are Democrat puppies=94, answers the kid. =20 The next day Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham are out walking and come upon the same kid. Bill Clinton with a big grin says, 'Hey kid, tell my wife what kind of puppies you done got there.'=20 The kid says, 'Republican puppies'. =20 Bill Clinton, a bit embarrassed and confused, says, =93But kid, yesterday you told me that them there were Democrat puppies.=94 The kid says, =93That's right. But last night they opened their eyes." <--------> When asked his personal feelings about Roe vs. Wade, Bill Clinton said,=20 "I don't really care how the Haitians get home." <--------> Al Gore, in his recent visit to the middle east, confided to reporters that he knows full well how to handle the Arabs. =20 When asked what he would do with the Bedouins?"=20 Al Gore said, "The Bedouins we will oppose ...the Goodouins we will support." <--------> When Al Gore was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I don't know really, I've only just been to Beirut." <--------> What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?=20 Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. ------------------------------------------------------ --- The measure of a man's character --- --- is what he would be if he knew --- --- he would never be found out. --- ------------------------------------------------------- Jokes excerpted from: THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY BILL CLINTON JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK (c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:33:33 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: A little known Egyptian fact Who blew the nose off the Sphinx? Common misunderstandings include a tank gunner in Rommel's troops, or Napoleon's men. Actually, it was Handkerchephren, Pharaoh of the CIX Dynasty, of course. The Sphinx's throat is still a little Ra, and his voice a little Horus, but he'll get better after he kicks his ziggurat habit. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 11:47:26 -0500 From: Robert Bragner Subject: Coffee, tea, or Charmins? (scatalogical) By RICHARD PYLE Associated Press Writer NEW YORK (AP) -- An investment banker was fined $5,000 and placed on two years' probation Tuesday for a drunken scene aboard an airliner in which he was accused of defecating on a food service cart. Gerard Buckley Finneran, 59, of Greenwich, Conn., also was ordered to get counseling and not drink on airplanes. He previously agreed to pay $48,000 to reimburse his fellow passengers' ticket costs, perform 300 hours of community service and cover United Airlines' $1,000 in cleanup costs. Finneran, managing director of Trust Company of the West, pleaded guilty to a federal charge of making a threat. He became angry after flight attendants refused to serve him more wine aboard a Buenos Aires-to-New York flight Oct. 20. Court papers said he poured drinks on himself and, when flight attendants intervened, he threatened one and shoved another. Then, according to court papers, he climbed onto a food cart and defecated, used linen napkins as toilet paper and smeared feces around. His lawyer, Charles Stillman, denied that Finneran defecated on a food cart. Stillman said Finneran suffered an attack of diarrhea but found the first-class bathroom blocked by aides to the president of Portugal, a fellow passenger. "He was trying to get to the business class lavatory when he had what you can understand was a terrible accident--he soiled himself," Stillman said in a telephone interview. Stillman said Finneran is still a member of United's frequent-flier program, "but maybe the friendly skies ain't so friendly any more." Finneran could have drawn six months in jail. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 21:55:59 +0500 From: "Jahanzeb A. Khan" Subject: SOME HALLOWEEN FUN ( Adult Humor) I got this from my friend Ehsan, and I hope you guys enjoy this 'cause its my first contribution. :) A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. Inasmuch as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived. She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:26:00 PST From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Yet, ONE MORE Genie joke... A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off female genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-bitch, I am going to grant only 1." He thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. So now he has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 11:07:44 PST From: "Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands]" Subject: "new" system problems Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) - "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it) I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 20:35:01 +0100 From: Theo Legters Subject: animal crackers I was standing in the shower, next to an elephant. 'Phh,' he said, 'Do you have to eat with THAT ??' ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 16:53:37 -0500 From: Igor Immerman Subject: A Letter Home Since I left college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further until you are sitting down, okay? Well, then, I'm getting along pretty wel now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at a gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burntout dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his appartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents him from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boyfriend. However, I am getting a "D" in American History, and an "F" in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Sharon (Source: Letter on p.28 of 'Influence' by Robert B. Cialdini, Ph.D. Copyright 1984 by Robert Cialdini. W/out permission of William & Company, Inc.) :-) Hope you like it!!! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 16:01:15 -0800 From: Igor Immerman Subject: A Letter Home Since I left college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further until you are sitting down, okay? Well, then, I'm getting along pretty wel now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at a gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burntout dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his appartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents him from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boyfriend. However, I am getting a "D" in American History, and an "F" in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Sharon ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 16:03:24 -0800 From: Igor Immerman Subject: A Letter Home Opps .. sorry about that ... didnt mean to sent it. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 21:52:45 -0400 From: Jeffrey Reid Baker Subject: CLINTON JOKES#7 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable X-MIME-Autoconverted: from 8bit to quoted-printable by gramercy.ios.com id VAA14517 BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 7 of 20) --------------------------------------------- A heavenly conversation from the future: "Who were you amongst the living my son?"=20 "I was Bill Clinton, President of the United States."=20 "Then sit here on my right hand. Now... who were you?"=20 "I was Algore, Vice President of the United States."=20 "Then sit here on my left hand. Now... who were you?"=20 "I was Hillary Rodham.=20 And what's your butt doing in my chair!" <--------> Hillary returned to the White House one day right after her annual physical examination. Slick Willie said, "How did your exam go?" =20 Hillary beamed, "The doctor told me I had the breasts of a 25 year old!"=20 "That's great, honey."=20 Then he added, with a little bit of contempt, "And what did he say about your 47 year old ass?" to which Hillary replied "Nothing Willie, your name never came up." <--------> Why couldn't Hillary drive Chelsea to work on "take your daughter to work" day?=20 Her broom is a compact. <--------> Know why Slick Willie loves to play golf?=20 It=92s a game which involves getting your balls into a hole with the leas= t number of strokes. <--------> Introducing the new =93Slick Willie Golf Ball=94.=20 A good lie is guaranteed every time. <--------> One day, while Slick Willie is jogging, he comes across a little boy looking into a cardboard box and says, "Hey kid, what's in the box?"=20 The kid says, "My dog just had puppies".=20 Slick Willie asks him what kind of dogs they are. "These are Democrat puppies=94, answers the kid. =20 The next day Slick Willie and Hillary Rodham are out walking and come upon the same kid. Slick Willie with a big grin says, 'Hey kid, tell my wife what kind of puppies you done got there.'=20 The kid says, 'Republican puppies'. =20 Slick Willie, a bit embarrassed and confused, says, =93But kid, yesterday you told me that them there were Democrat puppies.=94 The kid says, =93That's right. But last night they opened their eyes." <--------> When asked his personal feelings about Roe vs. Wade, Slick Willie said,=20 "I don't really care how the Haitians get home." <--------> Algore, in his recent visit to the middle east, confided to reporters that he knows full well how to handle the Arabs. =20 When asked what he would do with the Bedouins?"=20 Algore said, "The Bedouins we will oppose ...the Goodouins we will support." <--------> When Algore was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I don't know really, I've only just been to Beirut." <--------> What is the difference between Slick Willie and Jane Fonda?=20 Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. ------------------------------------------------------ --- The measure of a man's character --- --- is what he would be if he knew --- --- he would never be found out. --- ------------------------------------------------------- Jokes excerpted from: THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY BILL CLINTON JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK (c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY --=20 ----->>>>> JRB Records aLTERNATE <<<<<----- cLASSICS <<<<<----- ||| http://www.jrb-cd.com=20 ||| 1-888-JRB-CD22 ||| 1-888-572-2322 ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1996 to 5 Dec 1996 ********************************************** -- End --