There are 7 messages totalling 271 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. 2. How To Relieve Stress --Tokyo Style 3. Computers in the 1960's 4. I'm too sexy for my car 5. Small Boys 6. 30 Ways To Freak Out Your Roommate 7. 2 Riddles ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 02:45:14 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Alright, we all celebrate at New Year's, some to excess. However, please consider the below listed tip-offs as Signs You May Have A Drinking Problem the rest of the year: * You fall off the floor quite often * The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... * Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle * Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense * You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects * You have a "Reserved Parking" space at your liquor store * The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar * You don't recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass * You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth * You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 09:24:42 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: How To Relieve Stress --Tokyo Style TOKYO -- The intensity of Tokyo life can at times simply prove too much to bear. With a million people living on top of each other, constant traffic jams and long work days, sometimes Tokyo residents just need a break. Japanese workers have found a way to successfully unload a year of stress in a little over two hours -- by smashing things to bits. After a few beers and stressful year, salaried workers write their boss's name on a plate, then smash it. In one Tokyo bar, owner Junichi Hotta said up to 30 plates were smashed in his bar every day -- but the figure nearly doubles at this time of year. He doesn't mind, he says. "I want them to go back to work feeling good." Source: The Associated Press Good wishes to all for the New Year !! Warmest regards, "Ken Brousseau Sr." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 10:05:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Computers in the 1960's Part 1 of 2 If personal computers had been around in the 1960's... Beverly Hillbillies Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee- doggie! Why look at that Granny. Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her own ham!" ======= If personal computers had been around in the 1960's... Gilligan's Island: The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters to each other. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . No friend is so fine as he who laughs at your bad jokes ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 20:34:14 +0100 From: "Th. Legters" Subject: I'm too sexy for my car John: 'Do you know anything more difficult than getting a pregnant woman in a Volkswagen ?' George: 'No.' John: 'Getting a woman pregnant in a Volkswagen.' ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 15:19:13 -0500 From: Lyle Worsley <100704.3051@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Small Boys Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven year old announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word the next day. He thinks it will be fun and bring some excitement to their lives. The eight year old decides that he too will use a swear word the next day. The eleven year old decides to use "hell"; the eight year old decides to use "ass". The next morning their mother asks the eleven year old what he wants for breakfast. "Well, hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some Cheerios." The mother goes ballistic upon hearing this swear word and launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words. When she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him what he wants for breakfast. "You can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" he tells her. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 16:29:31 -0500 From: Jenny Xu Subject: 30 Ways To Freak Out Your Roommate 1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class. 2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore." 3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. 4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you. 5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious." 6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in.Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards. 7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find. 8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone. 9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so. 10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...." 11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now." 14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning. 15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. 16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets. 17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me." 18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them. 19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings. 20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine. 21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi." 22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room. 23. Wear scary Halloween masks.. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. 24. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy." 25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation. 26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something. 27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more." 28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat." 29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 14:24:25 PST From: "I'm a closet claustrophobic...204-2857" Subject: 2 Riddles Q: What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison? A: A small Medium at large. ___________________________________________________ Q: What do you call an Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Pounder with cheese. (Forward from a friend, don't blame me) --------------------------------------------------- Eddie :) ******* I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous! ******* ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Jan 1997 to 2 Jan 1997 **********************************************