There are 10 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Getting Old ? 2. Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator: (fwd) 3. It's A Wacky World 4. Humor - young musicians 5. New Year Rumination 6. Poem 7. 7 short tasteless jokes, and a pointer 8. Midget joke - offensive to midgets 9. Golfing Buddy 10. Computers in the 1960's ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 02:48:28 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Getting Old ? You can tell you're are getting old when: Dialing long-distance wears you out. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't. Your back goes out more often than you do. You get winded playing games on the computer. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. Burning the "midnight oil" now beings roughly at 8:00 PM. "25 Years Ago Today..." is your favorite part of the paper. Almost everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The only "gleam in your eye" is the sun hitting your bifocals. You regret all those times in the past you resisted temptation. You can't stand all those damn stupid people who are intolerant. After painting the town red, you can no longer apply a 2nd coat. That sweet young thang you were just gonna hit on calls you sir. You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic. Your pacemaker opens the garage door as you watch a girl walk by. You decide to procrastinate, and yet never quite get around to it. Your "little black book" contains way too many names ending in M.D. You feel like the morning after, yet you haven't even been anywhere. Growing old doesn't seem so bad now when you consider the alternative. You know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore. There's too much room in the house & not enough in the medicine cabinet. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 08:33:35 -0800 From: Jack Kolb Subject: Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator: (fwd) [Forwarded by Varda Ullman Novick ] Subject: Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. Jack Kolb Dept. of English, UCLA kolb@ucla.edu ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 10:37:38 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World Consider the sad case of 63-year-old Ernie Bailey, a British factory worker whose time ran out as 1996's did. Bailey won a lottery prize worth $18.6 million 20 months ago and promptly went on an unceasing binge of cigarettes, drink and take-out food, the tabloid Sun newspaper reported. Ignoring doctors' advice to stop drinking and smoking, Bailey had ballooned to 310 pounds by the time he died in the luxury bungalow he bought in London. "Poor old Ernie is proof you can't take it with you," the newspaper quoted a family friend as saying. An appropriate New Year's message perhaps. Source:Houston Chronicle *It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.* ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 13:25:51 EST From: "BARNES,LARRY J." Subject: Humor - young musicians From the Missouri School Music Newsletter, these are answers to test questions compiled by music teachers. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather r large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.He was so deaf he wrote e loud music.He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was c all ing him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. . Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is s unusual to be contemporary.Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. My favorite composer is Opus. A harp is a nude piano. Question:What are kettle drums called? Answer:Kettle drums. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I oth found out and got in trouble. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music.You just watch. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 14:54:00 -0500 From: Terry Galan Subject: New Year Rumination Now that we're into a new year, it may be time to put things in perspective and consider our place in the world and review our gifts. This is something I picked up from the Internet that I thought people might appreciate: At the far end of an insignificant little galaxy in an unremarkable corner of our universe, an extremely ordinary little planet revolves around a modest little sun. On this planet, tiny little specks of matter have evolved by either chance or design into self-replicating patterns, multiplied, and become more complex. Somewhere along the line, these tiny collections of atoms picked up the ultimate Gift. The gift is "choice". And once for each revolution of their planet about its sun, some of these patterns remind themselves that they have choice, by making resolutions. They can choose to love or to hate, to work or to play, to eat or to exercise. They can choose. Perhaps today would be a good day to choose wisely. Tomorrow might be good too. In fact, every day is a good day, to use the greatest gift of all. HAPPY NEW YEAR! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 15:08:38 -0500 From: Jenny Xu Subject: Poem I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should. I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet. I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one who will pay. I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon. How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in a short time. I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't think. He was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is, he drank and I will die. Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife. The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare. Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave. Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive. If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there. I have one last question, Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die? ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:21:24 -0500 From: Santiago Arteaga Subject: 7 short tasteless jokes, and a pointer - What's the first thing Rocio Jurado says when she takes off her bra? - Gee, the floor is cold. A couple of teenagers have just finished fucking. The girl asks - Am I really the first girl you have made love to? - Of course... but tell me, why do you all have to ask the same thing? - Why don't women menstruate after the menopause ? - They need the blood for the varicose veins. This is the first time mother who gives birth to twins. The nurse is showing them to her, holding each baby in an arm. The mother looks at them and says "Can I have the one on the right?" Two nurses in the maternity section: - Gee, what an ugly boy! - Yeah, and you should have seen the ones we have just thrown into the incinerator. - Momma, momma, I don't wanna sleep any more with little brother. - Shut up, I have told you we don't have the money to bury him. - Momma, momma, can I play with the puppy ? - OK, but when you are done, put all the bones back into the spitoon. There is a new set of tasteless jokes in spanish at http://www.wam.umd.edu/~santiago/chistes_135_salvajadas ; the whole coleccion is at http://www.wam.umd.edu/~santiago/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:48:22 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Midget joke - offensive to midgets Q - When is it okay to slap a midget? A - When he tells you your hair smells good! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:57:06 -0500 From: Skip Johnstone Subject: Golfing Buddy There was this old-timer who loved golf, could still hit the ball but couldn't see where it went. One day the pro told him, "Charlie, I've got the right partner for you. Tom's about your age and he's got eyes like a hawk." So the two old guys went out and on the first tee, Charlie hit a long drive. He says to Tom, "Did you see where it went?" Tom says, "Yes......but I forgot." ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 20:05:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Computers in the 1960's Part 2 of 2 If personal computers had been around in the 1960's... The Brady Bunch Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and, through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However, Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the invasion by a diligent anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady has recently installed on his Pentium laptop. Jan tries to use the program, but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs. Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of the family eats angle food cake on the patio. =========== If personal computers had been around in the 1960's... The Mary Tyler Moore Show Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers. She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the Bay Bridge. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Barney of Borg: Assimmilation is fun! ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jan 1997 to 3 Jan 1997 **********************************************