There are 11 messages totalling 576 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. The Gender Gap <1 offensive word> 2. Questions Anyone ? Part 1 3. joke-clean: Progress 4. Another sign in Ingleesh 5. 101 things NOT to say while having sex 6. It's A Wacky World 7. T-shirt Slogans 8. New Year's Resolutions 9. The Gas Grill 10. Amusing One Liners 11. Riddle, may be offensive to women ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 03:40:13 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Gender Gap <1 offensive word> * Ever since the Library of Congress went on line, they're received more than their fair share of complaints. Recently a woman who identified herself as a "spokesperson" for the National Organization of Women (NOW) contacted the Chief Librarian and complained that she discovered there were at least 187,000 volumes in the Library that could only be considered "sexist". The Chief Librarian, unphased, said, "But Ms, there are in excess of 534,00 books on hand that use the word 'bastard', and no one has complained about them." The feminist replied "Ahhhhh, but then, the bastards ain't organized like we are either." - - - - - * Ever since the feminist movement started back in the 60's, those women who have been "liberated" take a dim view of any woman who still caters to us males. Well, I just found out what they call them too -- "Uncle Mom". - - - - - * Personally, I think the Army is over-reacting to the recent sex scandal. There's a story going around that some of the Chaplains are advising the recruits to: "Just pray to God, She'll help you." I thought this was just so much talk, but recently I really began to wonder if it weren't true. The other day, I pulled into a Base service station where a big strapping young man approached my vehicle and said, "Fill him up ?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 14:45:45 -0500 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Subject: Questions Anyone ? Part 1 Have a great year everyone - :) What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? Gladiator! (Glad he ate her) Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....) But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing fucked up by a period. What is 69 squared? Dinner for 4. What is 68? You do me and I owe you one. Q. What's the speed limit on sex? A1. 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod. A2. 68, at 69 you have to turn around. What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman? 69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!) What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable? Getting him/her in and out of the wheelchair! What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl? A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed. A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 14:47:00 PST From: RAO NIKHIL /ILF/BZO Subject: joke-clean: Progress Two men were examinig the output of the new computer in their department. Eventually one of them remarked:"Do you realize it would take 400 men 250 years to make a mistake this big?" ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 14:26:32 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Another sign in Ingleesh Trilingual sign outside a dance hall in Rimini, Italy: Dances! Dances! Dances! Tanzen! Tanzen! Tanzen! Balls! Balls! Balls! ------------------------ Dance the last save for me. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 09:22:42 -0500 From: Jennifer Gras Subject: 101 things NOT to say while having sex 101 things NOT to say while having sex (Part 2 of 2) 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel 54. Perhaps your just out of practice 55. you sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs...it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why He/She dumped you 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?? < I always ask that beforehand> 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What Tampon????` 61. Have you ever considered Liposuction? 62. And to think....I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession................ 65. I was so horny tonight, I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance a repressed child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I REALLY hate women that thinks sex means something. 72. Did you cum yet dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing if you tell me who your 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah had a show about women like you 77. Hic!...I need another beer for this please...... 78. I think biting is romantic, don't you? 79. You can cook too, right? 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. MAN: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really 82. Have you seen fatal Attraction?? 83. Sorry about the name tags...I'm really bad with names. 84. Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) You mind if I make a few calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to the gas oven off....You got a light? 87. Don't worry bout my dog...He's really nice for a Doberman 88. Sorry, I don't do toes 89. You could at least act like your enjoying it! 90. K-Y Jelly or no K-Y Jelly, I SAID NO!!!!!!!!!! 91. Keep it down, My mother is a light sleeper 92. I bet You didn't know I work for the ENQUIRER 93. SO that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94. My Ex used to do it a lot longer 95. is this a sin too??? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain 97. Hey?.....When's it gonna be Jeff's turn???? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses 99. Please understand, I'm only doing this for a raise. 100. How long do you plan on being almost there? 101. YOU MEAN YOUR NOT MY BLIND DATE!!!!!!!! ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 09:25:58 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World Consider, for example, the man and woman who reportedly robbed and assaulted a convenience store clerk in Conroe, Texas, this past week with a frying pan pulled from the woman's purse. The same purse -- which held her driver's license -- that she reportedly left lying on the counter to lead police to her arrest. Source: Houston Chronicle *A fool is his own informer* ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 11:47:14 PST From: "I'm a closet claustrophobic...204-2857" Subject: T-shirt Slogans My apologies to Randall considering the length of this post! >From fthflsrvt@columbia-center.org: > >>The TOP 50+ GEEK T-SHIRT SLOGANS > >>-------------------------------- > >>1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. > >> > >>2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key > >> > >>3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. > >> > >>4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. > >> > >>5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. > >> > >>6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. > >> > >>7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. > >> > >>8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL > >> > >>9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN > >> > >>10. <-------- The information went data way -------- > >> > >>11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression > >> > >>12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. > >> > >>13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding > >> > >>14. The name is Baud......, James Baud. > >> > >>15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! > >> > >>16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! > >> > >>17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. > >> > >>18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. > >> > >>19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" > >> > >>20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. > >> > >>21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) > >> > >>22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. > >> > >>23. E Pluribus Modem > >> > >>24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) > >> > >>25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny > >> > >>26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. > >> > >>27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. > >> > >>28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? > >> > >>29. Does fuzzy logic tickle? > >> > >>30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. > >> > >>31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. > >> > >>32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? > >> > >>33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. > >> > >>34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. > >> > >>35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . > >> > >>36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? > >> > >>37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. > >> > >>38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. > >> > >>39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... > >> > >>40. All computers wait at the same speed. > >> > >>41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate > >>errors. > >> > >>42. Press -- to continue ... > >> > >>43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... > >> > >>44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... > >> > >>45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! > >> > >>46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. > >> > >>47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! > >> > >>48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? > >> > >>49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. > >> > >>50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 > >> > >>51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS > >> > >>52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS > >> > >>53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! > >> > >>54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... > >> > >>55. Go ahead, make my data! > >> > > ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 14:32:00 EST From: Jon Bisbey Subject: New Year's Resolutions As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 1997 Edition": Resolution #1 --------------- 1994: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 1995: I will not leave Marge. 1996: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 1997: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda. Resolution #2 --------------- 1994: I will stop looking at other women. 1995: I will not get involved with Wanda. 1996: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 1997: I will stop looking at other women. Resolution #3 --------------- 1994: I will not let my boss push me around. 1995: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 1996: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 1997: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. Resolution #4 --------------- 1994: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 1995: I will read at least 10 books a year. 1996: I will read 5 books a year. 1997: I will finish Airport. Resolution #5 --------------- 1994: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 1995: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 1996: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 1997: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam. Resolution #6 --------------- 1994: I will get my weight down below 180. 1995: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 1996: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 1997: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. Resolution #7 --------------- 1994: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 1995: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 1996: I will not become a "problem drinker". 1997: I will not miss any AA meetings. Resolution #8 --------------- 1994: I will not spend my money frivolously. 1995: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 1996: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 1997: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1998. Resolution #9 --------------- 1994: I will see my dentist this year. 1995: I will have my cavities filled this year. 1996: I will have my root canal work done this year. 1997: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. Resolution #10 --------------- 1994: I will go to church every Sunday. 1995: I will go to church as often as possible. 1996: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 1997: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV. Resolution #11 --------------- 1994: I will not be self-destructive. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 13:51:48 -0600 From: TC Mangan Subject: The Gas Grill >Thanks to Travis for this tale of married bliss. A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big... almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed, saying, "yep, that thing is getting huge." At this the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!" Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?" Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for ONE LITTLE WEINER!" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 00:03:00 +0100 From: Sean Sutton Subject: Amusing One Liners ** Just a few bits and pieces come my way... ** I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... The beatings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key (I'd like to know where the key labelled "Any" is.) Buy a Pentium 166 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. * C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL * C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <-------- The information went data way --------> Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! C:\ > Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press -- to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 3 Jan 1997 22:49:51 EST From: david burns Subject: Riddle, may be offensive to women Q. What do a tornado and a woman have in common? A. They come moist and wet, and take the house when they leave. Dave Burns :^) ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Jan 1997 to 4 Jan 1997 **********************************************