There are 11 messages totalling 395 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Words of Wisdom 2. The Meeting 3. They are called.. {sexual innunedo} 4. Poem Posting 1/2-1/3/97 5. Mommy Joke 6. a share of ... 7. The Jack Sh-t Story 8. advertising errors 9. Learning from Baywatch 10. It's A Wacky World 11. News on the GOODTIMES virus ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 10:18:32 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Words of Wisdom Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change. The courage To change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom To hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, Grant me the patience to suffer fools, or, alternatively, a chainsaw. Help me to be careful Of the toes I step on today as they May be connected to the ass That I might have to kiss tomorrow. Amen. ----------------------------------------- The village idiot has retired. I'm going to apply for the job. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 04:07:30 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: The Meeting I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's. To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know? Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though ! And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place. I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though. I mean, come on, give me a break here. But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 09:46:00 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: They are called.. {sexual innunedo} Southern belle went to Ca. and returned to GA. She proceeds to tell her mother that in Ca. there are men that kiss and hug one another...Mother asked " what are they called" southern belle replies" they are called homosexual" and Mother there are women out there that they kiss and hug one another" . Mother asks "and what are they called. Daughter replies" they are called lesbians" and mother there is men out there that kiss and eat a women all up. Mother shocked ..asks and what are they called. Daughter replies" i called him p r e c i o u s" an added bonus ... Raggity Ann and Pinocio were playing in the sand box one day and Ragity Ann threw Pinocio down and sat on his nose and said LIE...TRUTH.... LIE....TRUTH....LIE.. no wonder she got thrown out of the toy box hahaha ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 16:27:00 -0500 From: Sue Sevin Subject: Poem Posting 1/2-1/3/97 I am writing (hopefully to the correct address) to complain about the poem about the dying kid's final thoughts and the message against drinking and driving. Obviously this violates the rules of the humor list and I hope that you explain this to the poster. I have written to her myself. I'm sick of people using inappropriate places and times to pull out their soap boxes. Thanks! Sue Sevin ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 16:28:38 -0500 From: Jenny Xu Subject: Mommy Joke EATING!!! son: Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl? mom: Shut up and flush. son: Mummy, mummy, please can I have a spoon? mom: Yes of course dear. Why do you want the spoon? son: Because Daddy's been sick, and the cat's getting all the big bits son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap. mom: Shut up and keep eating. son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator? mom: Shut up and chew! son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! mom: Shut up and get the marshmallows! son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire! mom: Shut up and get the barbecue sauce! son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles? mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel! son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder! mom: Shut up and eat your hamburger! son: Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers! mom: Shut up and eat your french fries! son: Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye! mom: Shut up and eat around it. son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! mom: Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks! son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl? mom: Shut up and flush it like everyone else. son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper! mom: Shut up or I'll grind your other hand. son: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice! mom: Shut up and drink it before it clots. son: Mommy, Mommy! My egg tastes bad. mom: stop complaining! Just eat it! son: Mommy, Mommy! mom: What is it now! son: Do I have to eat the beak as well? son: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? mom: Shut up and get back in the oven. son: Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise. mom: Shut up and eat around it! son: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs? mom: Shut up and eat your cornflakes! son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa. mom: Well, just push him aside and eat your beans. or mom: Well okay , eat the beans instead ... son: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? mom: Shut up and eat your meat loaf. son: Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? mom: Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet. daughter: Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much. mom: All right, you can take another slice. son: Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts. mom: Shut up and eat what's put in front of you. son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis! mom: Shut up, and keep eating! son: Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts. mom: Well, just leave them on the side of the plate. son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup! mom: Keep quiet and eat what is on the table. (or) mom: Shut up. Do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve? son: Mommy, Mommy! I wanted to lick the bowl this time. mom: Shaddup and flush. son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti! mom: Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!! son: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE red and green spagetti! mom: Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm. son: Mummy, Mummy! what's for dinner? mom: Shut up and get back in the oven. son: Mommy, mommy! I don't want any more hamburger! mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder. son: Mummy, Mummy! I don't like grandma. mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then. son: Mommy, mommy! Daddy threw up all over the kitchen floor. mom: Just ignore him, son. son: But little sis is getting all of the BIG pieces! son: Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is the right way to cook Beijing Duck? mom: Shuddup and close the microwave oven door behind you! son: Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again? mom: Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested. son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying? mom: Shut up and eat your hot dog! son: Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire? mom: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots! son: Mommy, Mommy! are we really vampires? mom: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots! son: Mommy Mommy! I'm not hungry anymore. mom: Shut up and finish your paint chips. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 22:41:21 +0100 From: "Th. Legters" Subject: a share of ... Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John said to George: 'Man, I dated her last tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife !' Two days later. George to John, 'Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well. But she sure isn't a lot better than your wife.' ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 17:19:30 -0500 From: Igor Immerman Subject: The Jack Sh-t Story THE JACK SCHITT STORY The Portion Most Folks Do Not Know When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", it is probably because you are unaware of the entire Jack Schitt story. Here's the rest of the story: Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt had six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and have a son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt married Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt. Now, don't let anyone tell you, "You don't know Jack Schitt" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 18:59:50 PST From: D S Paull Subject: advertising errors From: lgardner@force.stwing.upenn.edu Several friends and myself were watching television when the newest of the Coca-Cola polar bear commercials came on, where the baby polar bear dropped his ball into the icy water, a seal retrieved it for him, and they both kicked back and had a Coke to mark their friendship (or something like that- I'm paraphrasing). Anyway, the following reaction ensued: One of my friends immediately spoke up and said: "There are three things totally wrong with that commercial: First, the polar bear wouldn't have hesitated, and would have gone in the water after the ball itself. Second, if there had been a seal in the water when the polar bear came around, the bear would have forgotten all about the ball and would have instead swatted the seal out of the water. Third, there wouldn't be any seals near where any polar bears might be in the first place." After a second of thought, I added: "Fourth, polar bears and seals don't drink Coke." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 08:33:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Learning from Baywatch What Other Countries Learn About US from Baywatch 1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach. 2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour. 3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer. 4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance. 5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil. 6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour. 7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown. 8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes. 9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes. 10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff like NightRider. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 19:58:56 -0600 From: "Ken Brousseau Sr." Subject: It's A Wacky World People used to getting their burger and fries on the quick can now hop on the Internet in a drive-through lane for the latest stock prices, forecasts and sports scores. In a nation obsessed with convenience,from fast-food restaurants to ATMs, a small online service company is offering the ultimate for computer junkies. The company based in Lewisburg, West Virginia, a town of 3,500, has placed a 15-inch Macintosh monitor inside the drive-through window in its office, a former fast-food restaurant. There are a keyboard and glide pad outside for drivers to use in their cars. "I suppose it's taking the information highway to its ultimate conclusion," said Sara Fitzgerald, spokeswoman for Interactive Services Association, a trade association for the on-line and Internet industry in Silver Spring, Maryland. As for hamburglers who might steal the drive-through keyboard, the company is not worried. Lewisburg is a small town about 75 miles southeast of Charleston with a low crime rate. The company, founded in October 1995, moved into its office in August and set up the drive-through computer in late December as a promotion. "We have to use that drive-through for something," Lemley said. "We are a little on the eccentric side. We admit that." Source: The Associated Press. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 00:10:48 -0700 From: Chris Stanford Subject: News on the GOODTIMES virus The latest breaking news on the GOODTIMES virus. It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jan 1997 to 5 Jan 1997 **********************************************