There are 13 messages totalling 497 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Moore on Women 2. More Spoonerisms 3. Laughter tax 4. Moped (May be offensive tofat people) 5. Drinking Nun Joke 6. Law on the March 7. OJ and Robert Shapiro < OFFENSIVE TO BLACKS > < RACIST > < Anyone easily offended - DON'T READ THE FOLLOWING 8. Naughty Limmerick: Spa, Fr, Eng 9. TOP TEN REAL REASONS THE NFL HOLDS THE PRO BOWL 10. Diary Of An AOL User (Part 2 of 2) 11. HUMOR List Traffic Report 12. How many balls you have? 13. The Fantastic story of "Ssssst" and "Psssst" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 04:06:37 -0500 From: Jim Moore Jr Subject: Moore on Women * My wife sometimes has a way of getting her point across in the most subtle ways you can think of. One night not long ago, we had quite a "discussion" on some matter or other where no agreement, or even compromise appeared to be likely. While we didn't exactly go to bed "mad", let's just say we each stayed on "our own sides of the bed" that night. The next morning when I went to shave there was a sign on the bathroom mirror. It read, "Objects are dumber than they appear". - - - - - * Like a lot of women undergoing the "change of life", my wife told me one day that she was convinced she was losing her mind. I told her that wasn't true at all. I knew exactly where it was. After all, she'd been giving me a piece of it daily for over 30 years. - - - - - * Saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher tolerance for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then asked, "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy ?" She frowned, gave me quite the dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five... and... Don't call me 'dizzy'!!!" - - - - - * Seems to me the truly well-dressed woman of the 90's should bare in mind that skin never clashes with anything she's wearing. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 06:08:58 -0800 From: Charles Tidwell Subject: More Spoonerisms Said the Dean to the Student: "You have tasted a whole worm!" "You have hissed all my mystery lectures." "You were fighting a liar in the quadrangle." "You will leave by the town drain." Replied the Student to the Dean: "I have just received a blushing crow." "Is the bean dizzy?" In a moment of patriotism, the Dean said: "Let us toast the queer old dean." --attributed to the Reverend William Spooner, Warden of New College, Oxford, 1903-1924. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 15:12:44 GMT From: "Mishra, Aditya" Subject: Laughter tax * The Wall Street Journal reported in September that about 100 "laughing clubs" had sprung up in India in the last year based on the philosophy of Dr. Madan Kataria, who says the ancient yoga breathing and laughing exercises can help people shed inhibitions, build self-confidence, stop smoking, alleviate high blood pressure and arthritis, and stop migraine headaches. After conventional stretching, adherents engage in silent laughs, out-loud laughs with their lips closed, and the roaring "Bombay laugh." Dr. Kataria worries only that some day, the government might try to tax laughter. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 10:13:11 EST From: david burns Subject: Moped (May be offensive tofat people) What do a Moped and a Fat Woman have in common? They are both fun to ride until your friends see you. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 10:55:21 PST From: Elvis Is Dead Subject: Drinking Nun Joke Sister Mary Ketherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and she said: "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responed, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snockered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed: "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is lad, so it is. When she sees me, is she ever going to shit!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 11:44:15 -0500 From: Joel Rosen Subject: Law on the March Police Pursued Him on Tricycles A man who robbed a bank escaped on a child's 20-inch bicycle. Methuen, MA police are looking for a man in a bright yellow slicker who approached a teller with a note that read, "I have a gun. Hand over the money. No alarms and no dye pack or I'll kill you." Despite the note, the teller did put dye packs with the money into two, plastic supermarket bags the robber provided. The man ran out with the bags, jumped onto a kid's bike, and pedaled away. Police found the bike, slicker, and dyed money in the bushes about twenty minutes later, but the robber is still at large. Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune ------------------------ Wait a Minute, Kid, Let's Have Another Look at that Bike Police mistakenly arrested a sixth-grader who had had the same name as the 26-year-old man they were looking for. Boston police burst into Anthony Rivera's room at the Cleveland Middle School, hustled the stunned child into the hall, handcuffed him, and let him to a cruiser on charges of driving without a license. The arrest was part of a monthly sweep of scofflaws, known as Pro-Active Warrant Service. Police, who had a picture of the twelve-year-old, drove him to the station, fingerprinted him, took a mug shot, read him his rights, took his belt and the contents of his pockets, and handcuffed him to a chair. After three hours, police realized that they had made a mistake and returned the boy to school. Apparently, little Anthony was in the city's computer file because he had a previous arrest for theft, which resulted in probation. A clerk apparently mixed him up with big Anthony when she was issuing the warrant. No harm done, according to police Capt. Robert Dunford, who said, "As far as we are concerned, it was a valid warrant." Source: Boston Globe --------------------- All Right, Maybe You Are the Father But How Do We Know She's the Mother? The father of slain rapper Tupac Shakur, who was absent throughout his son's life, has shown up to claim half of his son's estate. Bill Garland, a former member of the Black Panthers, says he met the rapper's mother Afeni Shakur at a Panther meeting in 1970. "We did what we did and made him," Garland says. Shakur says she's uncertain that Garland is the father. According to her lawyer, "It's amazing that someone should disappear for 25 years and then reappear for wealth." Source: Boston Globe ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 12:28:38 EST From: Tim J Orsello Subject: OJ and Robert Shapiro < OFFENSIVE TO BLACKS > < RACIST > < Anyone easily offended - DON'T READ THE FOLLOWING ------------------------------------------ OJ was getting all ready for his trip to Cancun,( Cancoon) Mexico. He was packing his bags and all his necessities, when Robert Shapiro walked in the room. " I'm all ready to go to Cancun, " OJ said. And Robert Shapiro says " No, I didn't say you were going to Cancun, I said you were going to the Can, Coon." ------------------------------------------ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 15:31:58 -0500 From: Lee_Bradley Subject: Naughty Limmerick: Spa, Fr, Eng Un gaucho llamado El Bruno Me dijo,"Se bien oportuno! La mujer ser'a fina, Chico, cosa divina, Pero, la llama es ! numero uno ! Dit un certain monsieur de Verdun De ceci, je suis certain Une femme sera nette Un garcon, tres chouette Mais un mouton est numero UN! An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Said, "There's one thing I DO know: A woman is fine, A boy is divine, but a llama is ! numero uno ! ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 21:01:35 -0500 From: Ken Wood Subject: TOP TEN REAL REASONS THE NFL HOLDS THE PRO BOWL TOP TEN REAL REASONS THE NFL HOLDS THE PRO BOWL 10. The what bowl? 9. Junior Seau gives free hula lessons 8. It lets Barry Sanders run behind a real line 7. Michael Irvin has to meet his dealer somewhere 6. Kathy Lee want to go to Hawaii 5. To expose the AFC to the game of professional football 4. One more week of TV revenue 3. One last chance to pick up some frequent flyer miles 2. You can never have enough Poi 1. NFL execs have a secret fetish for floral leis Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:55:57 EST From: Billy J Phillips Subject: Diary Of An AOL User (Part 2 of 2) AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ, IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ, THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY. AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? August 7 - Why have a caps lock key if you're not supposed to use it? It's probably an extra feature that costs more money. August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions, and posted it to every newsgroup I could find. August 9 - I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long. I need to work on it some more. August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that AOL should be wiped off the face of this earth. I wonder what AOL is. August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I can't find that group. August 12 - I sent a post to every Usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they won't let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words. August 13 - I sent another post to every Usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem, so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like. August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 23:06:37 -0500 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hi, everyone! This is Jim, comin' at ya with this week's traffic report. Every week, I send this report to the contributors, and once a month, I send it to the entire HUMOR List. February 1997 is upon us. First and foremost, I'd like to welcome the newest HUMOR listowner. Veterans of the list will recall that this man helped keep the list afloat while Bill Edwards, our founder and primary owner, was on sabbatical a few years ago in India. Jay Harman will be taking over the responsibilities of Paul Robinson as HUMOR's error handler. Paul seems to be missing in action. If anyone has seen or heard from him, tell him he's late for dinner. Secondly, I'd like to pose a question to the entirety of the list. A while back, someone asked me about how to get something from HUMOR's archives (which are readily available if you send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR) that pre-dates the oldest date given. (That's usually about six months ago...) Good question. (Evasive answer.) In wanting to give this person the best possible answer, it took me an unusually long amount of time -- and I still haven't gotten a complete one. At least now I can say that the listserver automatically purges the archives after about six months or so. (Give or take a few days of course...) Well, that answers the 'why' but not the actual question. If there is anyone out there reading these words who keeps an archive of HUMOR that goes back more than six months or so, please email me privately. And if you are reading these words now, but don't read them weekly, you are encouraged to become a contributor. Who knows? You may be next to become a listowner, just like Jay, Larry Randall (our rules enforcer) and me. This is your proverbial first step. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE, and you'll learn all about the list and the rules that goven it (including the 99-line limit rule that I am using ownership privilege to break right now...), and be given a small test to become a contributor. You can also see the HUMOR guide at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html. If, for any reason you need to get off the list, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. Like all commands, it goes in the text of your message. You may send multiple commands, provided you have no more (and no less) than one command per line of text. Punctuation is not necessary. If you have any further questions, feel free to send me an email at jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html. Have a great week/month, everyone, and I'll see you all next week/month. Traffic Report for HUMOR, 26 January - 1 February (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 26 Sunday 7 18 8 18 19 27 Monday 9 13 10 22 14 28 Tuesday 8 17 16 20 18 29 Wednesday 7 19 23 19 18 30 Thursday 10 14 25 14 17 31 Friday 11 18 16 10 14 1 Saturday 11 9 15 13 15 Averages 9.0 15.4 16.1 16.6 16.4 Subscriptions 9 594 9 752 9 692 9 717 9 812 Countries 89 89 89 92 92 Contributors 848 860 804 810 810 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe Total countries: 92 Email me if your country is not listed here. ----- And now for my usual contribution of humor: Subject: A near-fatal attraction Exerpted from the book _News From the Fringe,_ (c) 1993 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet Hormone Pills, taken by a woman to rid herself of excess facial hair, also made her pet rottweiler sexually obsessed with her. Writing in the British medical journal _The Lancet_, Leeds dermatologist John Cotterill said that the pills may have subtly changed the woman's body oder, so that the dog "would not leave her alone." The woman solved her problem by having the dog castrated. ----- Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:50:46 +0800 From: Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY> Subject: How many balls you have? A man goes to the doctor complaining about having three balls in his genital organ. Doctor checks out and says - u have no problem at all. In fact,( with a witty laughter) u could go and bet on it. After getting such an advice, he goes to a pub. gets a few cups of drink. And approaches to a man randomly and asks: - I would bet total number of my balls and your balls is five. The stranger asks him back: - Why? Do you have only one ball? keh.. keh... keh... ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:54:07 +0800 From: Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY> Subject: The Fantastic story of "Ssssst" and "Psssst" A guy who rushes into the pub , tells his friends about new trick which he learned from a magician. - It is fantastic man! when I say Ssssst , the object I am looking to is lifted up into air. - no, no I can't believe this! let's give it a try. In front of all pub attendees, the guy glances at the glass and says "Sssst" and the glass rises into air from table. And when he says "Pssst" the glass goes down on table. They try it for bottles and many other objects inthe pub. One of his friends asks him - in whispering voice- to do the same trick for an old guy sitting inthe far corner of the pub who might be overhearing the story of the magic. And the guy says " Sssst" while glancing at old guy. The magic works and his thing gets erected. Meanwhile, he pulls out his gun and shouts : I FUCK WHO SAYS "Psssst". The End--- ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1997 to 3 Feb 1997 **********************************************