There are 12 messages totalling 488 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Groan! 2. Parent Humor (clean, 1/2) 3. Dave Barry of Olympics 4. Why E-Mail Is Like A Penis (offensive) 5. All kinds of nuts 6. School theatre joke 7. more clone humor 8. Dolly & Diana 9. Ultimate Blonde Fantasy 10. Napoleon 11. Sweet Taste {sexual} 12. In The News - Humorous news quips ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 08:08:03 -0500 From: Sue Sevin Subject: Groan! One day, in the far off future, a man met his clone. They decided to hike to the top of a steep cliff and started talking. They were admiring the view when the clone started reeling off obsenity after obsenity. The man can't believe what he is hearing. His clone is one foul-mouthed individual. The man gets so upset that he throws the clone over the edge and he falls to a tragic end. What do you think the police charged him with? Making an obscene clone fall. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 15:23:21 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Parent Humor (clean, 1/2) Preperation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it-it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighting approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of sissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee. ================================================= Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-) If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall: "For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it! ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 09:24:41 -0500 From: Russamer Subject: Dave Barry of Olympics -- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] -- NBC's mad dash for Olympic cash By Dave Barry Knight-Ridder News Service ATLANTA AND NOW for my impression of the Olympics on TV: Trumpets: Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom! BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug's historic vault, it's time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic Games Featuring Americans. We're going to start by taking you right to the track- and-field stadium, where the men's 100-meter dash is about to get underway (despite the fact that it actually happened four hours ago). TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring Americans. COSTAS: And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast? TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis, vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing. COSTAS: We'll come back to the men's 100-meter final, but right now we're going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American, overcoming her ankle injury to make her courageous vault. (Kerri Strug vaults.) COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial. ANNOUNCER: We're IBM. We're a giant corporation with vast computer expertise . That's why we're in charge of keeping track of all the statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you. Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom! COSTAS: Now we're going to take you to women's beach volleyball, where the sun is shining brightly despite the fact it is now 10:37 p.m. on the East Coast. BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced, ultra- slow-motion Beach-Cam close-up shot, she has overcome cellulite. COSTAS: I'll say. When is she going to serve? BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She'll be serving in about four seconds, Bob. COSTAS: I'm sorry, but we don't have that kind of time, because we need to show this Heartwarming Moment. (Kerri Strug vaults.) COSTAS: Now let's go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we have a race involving an American. CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown here pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th. COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome? CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of hemorrhoids. COSTAS: We'll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we're going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men's 100- meter dash. TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen down. COSTAS: We're going to break away from the men's 100-meter dash at this point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening. Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured by ourNBC cameras. (Kerri Strug vaults.) COSTAS: Now let's head out to the pool to check on the progress of the American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma. SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race. This happened earlier. COSTAS: How much earlier? SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz. COSTAS: Time for this commercial. ANNOUNCER: We're the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you. Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom! (Kerri Strug vaults.) COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting gold-medal competitions going on in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball, volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we're going to take you to beach volleyball. BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak is bending over. COSTAS: I'll say. Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom! (Kerri Strug vaults.) ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 10:47:24 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Why E-Mail Is Like A Penis (offensive) REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS: Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 22:46:55 +0400 From: Sampath Samarasinghe Subject: All kinds of nuts What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts What do you call nuts in a chest? Chestnuts What do you call nuts in the toilet? Peanuts What do you call nuts on a chin? A blow job. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 14:46:30 -0500 From: George Hughes Subject: School theatre joke Thad's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Thad enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the god work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 14:57:54 -0500 From: big mike Subject: more clone humor i once got the suspicion that someone (my clone?) was thinking the same thing that i was at the exact same time. i tried to call him, but the line was busy. big mike ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 17:19:57 EST From: Elvis Was Here Subject: Dolly & Diana Lady Diana and Dolly Parton Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 18:50:32 EST From: "Donald E. Chesnel" Subject: Ultimate Blonde Fantasy Two gorgeous blondes were engaged in a conversation as they entered an elevator in a large office building. One of them said said loudly, "Of course my ultimate fantasy has always been to have two men at once." There was complete silence as every passenger in the elevator slowly turned to look at her. She then laughed and continued, "One to do the cooking, and the other would do the cleaning." ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 1 Mar 1997 22:56:03 -0500 From: Lord Julus Subject: Napoleon Napoleon was resting in his room when suddenly Jaques bursts in through the door and starts to shout: "Englishmen !! Englishmen !! They are coming !! One million !!". Then, Napoleon said: "Ok, Jaques, fetch me my red shirt !!". Then he goes and wins the battle with the English. When he came back, Jaques asked him: "Sir, what was the red shirt for?" "Well, Jaques, that was psychologically!! With my red shirt, the soldiers can t see the blood if I m hurt so they won t get scared that I could die !" After a week, Jaques comes again very precipitated crying: "Englishmen !!! They come again !! Three million !!" "Ok, Jaques, bring me my red shirt" And the French win again. After a month, Jaques comes through the door: "Sir, the English are coming again !! Six million ! Here is you red shirt, sir." And Napoleon said: "No, Jaques, if they are six million it means it s the time for my brown pants !" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Napoleon and Wellington were trying to avoid the fight at Waterloo through diplomatic discussions. The night came and they went in their tents. At 5 AM Napoleon got up and sneak to Wellington's tent and wispered: "Wellington" "What?" came the answer. "Fuck you !!" and he ran away. The next morning, Napoleon sneaks again to Wellington s tent and whisperes: "Wellington" "Yes?" "Fuck you !" and ran away. Very angry, knowing who it was but having no proof, Wellington decided to do the same in revange. So in the next morning he wakes up at 4 AM and sneaks to Napoleon s tent and whisperes: "Napoleon" "Who s asking ?" said Napoleon. "Wellington!" "Fuck you !" --------------------------------------------------------------------- __ / / \ // !.= | Borne L O R D ((_ | \. with ( ~~\ . \ a J U L U S ' ___ \ ; ' \ heart ~ / \ ' \ ) of d ~ .' _ '. \ / / STEEL w a / \_/ \_/ | ; i r / ___ ) ( / / z o k / \ / \./ \ / ; \ a f n | \ / / "\ \ r e | _|_ |.\ '\\ d s | |\.' | './ / \\ s | | ! ) \ | | / \ / | | / \ e-mail: ionifl@pcnet.pcnet.ro phone: 401-653-2571 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 00:26:27 E From: Charlie Hill Subject: Sweet Taste {sexual} In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen?" "That't correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red; she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class never to return. As she was going out the door, the totally straight-faced professor answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 00:05:34 -0600 From: Ed Lambert Subject: In The News - Humorous news quips In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times WARNING - may be offensive to drug users, lawyers, Los Angelenos, Baywatchers, Courtney Love, Robert Downey Jr., Keith Richards, immigrants, Neil Young, American politicans, educators, airline food preparers. Pokes a little fun at mental illness. President Clinton wants national math and reading standards for all kids. What about history? A recent survey says most ninth graders believe that Franklin D. Roosevelt invented Prozac when he ended the Great Depression. Clinton has chosen Little Rock, Arkansas, as the site for his presidential library. It will be the first presidential library with a subpoena wing. According to a recent poll, 78% of Americans don't believe that Democrats and Republicans in Washington will work together. Actually, they DO work together. They just don't work together for US. GOP Rep. Tom Coburn of Oklahoma criticized NBC for showing "Schindler's List" with its nudity and violence. Poor Tom is a few channels short of a cable system. Lawyers for chemical heir John DuPont think they have grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. Yeah, he still has lots of money. First Lady Hillary Clinton won a Grammy award for her spoken word album, "It Takes A Village". She expressed surprise that a tone deaf person could win an award. Apparently she hasn't been following Neil Young's career. The Justice Department has announced 180,000 immigrants were naturalized without undergoing complete criminal background checks. They apparently were able to make use of a rare loophole engraved on the Statue of Liberty: "Give me your tired, your poor, your criminally insane..." The Department of Agriculture declared that supermarkets can no longer call cold chicken "fresh". Now, if they could just keep the airlines from calling it an in-flight meal. A group of Long Island homemakers is accused of smuggling drugs between the US, Europe and South America. Police became suspicious when their Tupperware parties were hosted by Courtney Love, Robert Downey Jr., and Keith Richards. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Special will be on television this weekend. This was made for people who find the complicated "Baywatch" plots too hard to follow. (Leno) News about the Scottish cloning has spawned a new Spanish rock gropup calling itself EWE-2. The name of the group's debut album is "No Pop". Dan Courvette, publisher of Divorce magazine, is remarrying. The name of the magazine has been changed to Rebound. A new magazine called Beer Connoisseur is out. I'd hate to see the swimsuit issue for this one... (Leno) And finally, archeologists have found mastodon bones under Los Angeles. There is evidence that these creatures walked among early Southern California man - the graffiti on them is at least 2,500 years old. ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1997 to 2 Mar 1997 **********************************************