There are 8 messages totalling 381 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Engineer's Poem 2. Cultural Difference Explained 3. you are going to die 4. Vermont humor 5. prospective employees 6. Polish Joke #518 7. HUMOR List Traffic Report 8. Cleanliness ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 11:26:31 +0300 From: DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD Subject: Engineer's Poem I read this poem from a friend, few days ago. I hope it was not posted on humor before. As an engineering student, I liked it verymuch, and I prosume that it might be funny for those who even have no relation to engineering. An Engineer's Poem I was alone and all was dark Beneath me and above My life was full of volts and amps But not the spark of love But now that you are here with me My heart is overjoyed You turn the square of my heart Into a sinusoid You load things from my memory Onto my system's bus My life was once assembly code Now it's C++ I love the way you solder things My circuits you can fix The voltage across your diode is much more then just point six With your amps and resistors You have built my integrator I cannot survive without you You are my function generator You have charged my life, increased my gain And made my math discreet And now I'll end my poem here Control, Alt, and Delete e-mail: s945986@dpc.kfupm.edu.sa ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 16:34:32 +0530 From: Devesh Agarwal Subject: Cultural Difference Explained >From my brother Nikhi in the U.S. Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English". Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English". Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 09:00:12 -0500 From: Russamer Subject: you are going to die -- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] -- >A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office for a check-up. >After the procedure is done, doctor comes out to talk with her and says: >"If you don't want your husband to die, follow these directions to the >letter: >1) In the morning, make him a good and hearty breakfeast, make sure that >he leaves for work in a good mood >2)When he comes home for lunch, make him a good meal, make sure he feels >appreciated, and make sure that he is happy when he goes back to work >3) When he comes home after work, dinner must be especially good, and >after dinner dont let him do any chores, let him watch TV and relax. >4) Have sex with him at least three times a week (more if he wants to) >and make sure he is satisfied. >If you do all that I have just said he'll be just fine." > >So when she goes home, her husband asks: "What did doctor say to you?" >and she replies: > > "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 09:28:02 -0500 From: "Sarah W. Soderlund" Subject: Vermont humor A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm. Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together." "Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 20:49:38 -0500 From: Gwendolyn E Eckman Subject: prospective employees Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. +A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. +Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. +Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. +Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. +Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer. +Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. +Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. +Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. +Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. +Candidate brought large dog to interview. +Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. +Candidate dozed off during interview. --- The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. +"What is it that you people do at this company?" +"What is the company motto?" +"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" +"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" +"Why do you want references?" +"Do I have to dress for the next interview?" +"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" +"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" +"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" +"Does your health insurance cover pets?" +"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" +"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" +"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" +"Why am I here?" ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 21:23:36 EST From: Elvis Was Here Subject: Polish Joke #518 Three Polish guys go out on the town, looking for a good time. The first looses no time in picking up a cute brunette, and they disappear off to her place. The second soon finds a willing redhead and they check into a motel across the street. The third eyes an attractive blonde and asks if she wants to come back to his apartment and have a wild time. "I'd love to" she says, "but I'm on my menstural cycle." 'That's all right" says the Pole, "I rode my moped." ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 21:08:40 -0500 From: Jim Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with this week's Traffic Report. Every week I send this report to the contributors, and on the first Sunday of each month, I send a condensed version to the list. (So to speak, depending on how long my introduction is...) There are now more than ten thousand people (officially. Unofficially, I suspect that it's been more than that for a while now) reading these words. Welcome aboard to all of the new people. If you haven't already done so, you are invited to join the ranks of those privileged to contribute to the list. For more information, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE. (Even if you don't want to become a contributor, the GUIDE is a good thing to have to help get the hang of using the listserver to your advantage.) It's also available on our website at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html An issue that has come up several times in the past couple of months -- and I feel obligated to address -- is that HUMOR does not discourage you from sending an email to a contributor to offer your position on what he or she has said on the list. (This is especially true if you liked it.) I do want to warn anyone who is offended by the content of a post, however, that voicing your offense to the poster may only serve to build an animosity between you and the person who offended you. This is not to say that you may be wrong in taking offense to something, but rather that you should exercise the same caution in voicing your offense as you would with someone who offended you to your face, but you otherwise do not know. Most of all, though, sit back, relax, enjoy what is said on HUMOR, and don't take anything *too* seriously. If you have any questions, feel free to email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn or visit HUMOR's website at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html. I'll see y'all either next week (if you're a contributor) or next month (if you're not and won't become one in the next month...) Traffic Report for HUMOR, 23 February - 1 March (Number of articles posted each day) 4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last Date Day Back Back Back Back Week 23 Sunday 19 14 14 9 9 24 Monday 14 15 16 11 17 25 Tuesday 18 14 17 14 20 26 Wednesday 18 9 13 15 16 27 Thursday 17 15 20 18 16 28 Friday 14 12 15 17 14 1 Saturday 15 14 13 13 12 Averages 16.4 13.3 15.4 13.9 14.9 Subscriptions 9 812 9 893 9 947 10 119 10 229 Countries 92 94 94 94 94 Contributors 810 821 824 827 820 These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board, area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed and non-concealed subscribers. HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe Total countries: 94 Email me if your country is not listed here. And now for my obligatory sample of humor: Subject: Generic Ethnic Joke [NOTE: Please fill in the blank with whichever ethnic group you love to hate] When the _________ woman answered her front door, it was only to hear the sorry tidings, shouted through the crack of the open door, that her husband had been killed. "And that's not the worst of it, Ma'am," said the foreman. "He was run over by a steamroller." "I'm in my bathrobe," said the new widow. "Could you slip him under the door?" ----- Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 09:40:45 -0500 From: Chalapathi Poduri Subject: Cleanliness A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room. He was told that it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention' So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.... ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Mar 1997 to 3 Mar 1997 **********************************************