HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1997 to 5 Mar 1997 (Special Issue) There are 8 messages totalling 1394 lines in this issue. Topics in this special issue: 1. A NIGHT BEFORE FINALS!!! 2. Golden Years 3. Signs 4. Humor: Medical Humor,mildly offensive ethnics, in general 5. Hunting and Boating 6. Hast thou considered my servant Cletis? 7. Clone Research (offensive to animal righ 8. Fwd: HUMOR Digest - 3 Mar 1997 to 4 Mar 1997 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 10:57:27 +0300 From: DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD Subject: A NIGHT BEFORE FINALS!!! This is another poem I read and liked. Hope you guys like it too... THE NIGHT BEFORE FINALS 'Twas the Night Before Finals and all through the college, the students were praying, for last-minute knowledge Most were quite sleepy, but none sought their beds, While visions of lecture notes danced in their heads. Out in the Taverns, a few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor would loosen their thinking. In my own little dorm room, I long had been pacing, And dreading exams that I soon would be facing. My roommate was silent, His nose in his books, And my comments to him drew most unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot. I was almost past caring that my nerves were all shot. I stared at my notes, but my thoughts were all muddy. My eyes were a blur, And I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver. But each place that I called refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded that life was too cruel with my future depending on grades earned in school. When all of a sudden, our door opened wide-- And Saint Procrastinatus Ambled inside! His spirit was carefree, His manner was mellow. He flopped on the couch and started to bellow: "What kind of student would make such a fuss, about tossing at teachers what they tossed at us?" "On Cliffs Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams! On Wingit and Slingit and Last Minute Crams!" His message delivered he vanished from sight, but we still heard him calling Through the crisp, starry night, "Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best.. Happy Finals to ALL, And to all a good test!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 11:01:02 +0200 From: Brian Myers Subject: Golden Years credit to a friend, Martha Thomas, of Nerdnosh and New Mexico ========================= A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?" "That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?" "That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference." ================================================= Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 11:53:42 +0200 From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: Signs >From an American friend, a batch of actual signs seen across the USA: * In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. * On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy * In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. * In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. * In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy. * In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. * In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center * On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. * On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. * At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. * On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. * In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. * In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. * In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. * In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! * Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. * In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? * In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. * In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. * In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 08:22:22 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Humor: Medical Humor,mildly offensive ethnics, in general You might be in the medical field if.... 1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. 2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change. 3. You find humor in other people's stupidity. 4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. 5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint. 6. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis. 7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce. 8. You believe chocolate is a food group. 9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quite around here". 10. You're out in public and you compliment a stranger on their great veins. 11. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Center" 12. You hate working on nights with a full moon. 13. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate for this patient. 14. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "SUICIDE: Getting it Right the First Time". 15. You have ever had to leave a patients room before laughing uncontrollably. 16. You think caffeine should be available in IV form. 17. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. 18. The most commonly uttered phrase after midnight (for all you ED folks) is "What changed at 2 am tonight, that made this an emergency after six months?" 19. You believe that too stupid to live should be a diagnosis. 20. You have ever referred to the ED as a "crap magnet". 21. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick. 22. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab. 23. You would like to see a "dumbshit profile" listed on the lab slip. 24. When you mention vegetables, you are not referring to a food group. 25. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English. 26. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say "No, I don't worry about birth control...I've been irradiated" 27. A patient has told you, "I have no idea how that got stuck up there" 28. You have your weekends all marked off and planned for a year. 29. You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA. 30. You use your status to get out of speeding tickets. 31. You use the word GOMER in a sentence. 32. You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level. 33. You threaten "the hose" if your patient won't give you a urine specimen. 34. After someone tells you how many drinks they've had, your response is "...and how big were those drinks?" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 09:22:15 -0400 From: Nathan Faut Subject: Hunting and Boating ---------- Olaf and Sven went duck hunting one day. Up before the crack of dawn, they headed to the lake. The day passed and the hunting went poorly. Finally as afternoon waned, Olaf turned to Sven. "Say, Sven ...?" "Oh, yah, Olaf, vat is it?" "Say, Sven, du yu tink ve coult get more ducks if ve trew de dog higher?" ---------- The prisoners were assembled on deck. The Nazi strode up and down the line, saying: "Zo, jews, velcome to ze beautiful Rhine River. You vill appreciate ze view I am zure. However, ze commandant has ordert you jewz here vor different reasons." He paused, then conintued, "I zuppose I zould zay zat I haf zome gut newz undt zome bat newz. Ze gut newz ist zat you vill get zome fresh air!" Then he paused again, "However, jewz, I haf zome bat newz -- you vill be rowing zis boat." One prisoner spoke up -- "That's not so bad. I was rowing captain in Krakow." "Well, zen you vill not be disappointed ven I tell you zat ze commandant vants to go vater-shkiing today!" ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 09:07:15 PST From: Tim Bowden Subject: Hast thou considered my servant Cletis? He was the worst argument for hard work our town ever knew. Sat all day at the desk of the Alexandria Hotel, reading magazines. A northerner came through once, wasn't prepared for Cletis. By tilting the clipboard, Cletis was able to both slide the room key to the new guest and the credit card to his side of the desk. He swiped and returned it on the clipboard without even looking up. The northerner was truly impressed. "Young man," he said, "If you can show me a lazier act than that, I'll give you five dollars." Cletis shrugged. He did do that much. "Put it in my pocket." --- http://www.corcom.com/reloj/Nerdnosh.html ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 09:42:36 -0800 From: Juanita Brents Subject: Clone Research (offensive to animal righ Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Reeses pieces. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 14:47:51 -0500 From: Russamer Subject: Fwd: HUMOR Digest - 3 Mar 1997 to 4 Mar 1997 [Post deleted for Archival Purposes] ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1997 to 5 Mar 1997 (Special Issue) **********************************************