There are 8 messages totalling 333 lines in this issue. Topics of the day: 1. Fred 'n Marva 2. Annoying Laws 3. Yet one more OJ joke.... 4. Identity Crisis (such language!) 5. History of computers part 2 6. Russamer? 7. Polish Jokes -Concluding Part 8. Damn Yankee ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 16:46:16 EST5EDT From: Wayne Wood Subject: Fred 'n Marva Fred and Marva have been married for almost 50 years. Unfortunately failing health has led the family to put them in a senior's home. Marva, always cuddly, had the habit of holding Fred's dick while watching TV or just sitting idly. Sometimes this could last for hours. One night Fred didn't show up in the lounge. A few hours went by before Fred finally showed up. Marva was infuriated and asked Fred where he was. Fred: "I was upstairs watching TV with Mary." Marva: "What does Mary have that I don't have?!" Fred: "Parkinson's ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 16:44:25 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at UMem Subject: Annoying Laws ANNOYING LAWS: 1. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. 2. Success usually occurs in private, but failure takes place in full view. 3. Checks take two weeks to clear unless you have insufficient funds; then they clear overnight. 4. If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 5. The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 6. Virtue is its own punishment. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 15:28:54 -0800 From: "Howard, Dan" Subject: Yet one more OJ joke.... So this guy gets on the freeway the other day and traffic comes to an abrupt halt. Looking through the lanes ahead, he sees some kind of commotion and it appears theres a body lying in the road. After a few minutes, a California Highway patrolman comes up to his car. "What's going on up there?" inquires the motorist. "Oh, it's OJ Simpson. He's lying across the lanes and refuses to move." "He's so broke that he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and torch himself until we take up a collection." "Oh my!" responds the driver, "Hell, I'll donate, how much have you gotten so far?" At this point the patrolman holds up a gas can and says, "Oh, about a half a gallon so far." ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 15:31:06 PST From: Tim Bowden Subject: Identity Crisis (such language!) It had taken the youngster a week to work up the nerve to approach the medicine man. When the old one noticed him, he just waited. "Tell me, how do you find names?" for the medicine man was the one who the spirits showed how each newborn should be called. And so he replied: "I fast for two days, spend two days in the sweat lodge, then I go into the hills, and if I see an eagle soar beyond the canyon, the new one will be Canyon Eagle, and if I see the wolves in the brook, the young one will be Wolf Drink, and if I see spirits move in clouds.... ...but why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?" mailto:tcbowden@ix.netcom.com - proud member of the wonderful high-wired Canterbury Choir - Nerdnosh! Send: subscribe nerdnosh - mailto:majordomo.story.nerdnosh.org "..tales told by writers in a reader neighborhood.." --- mailto:tcbowden@clovis.nerdnosh.org (Tim Bowden) Proud member of NERDNOSH (tm)! mailto:info@clovis.nerdnosh.org http://www.corcom.com/reloj/Nerdnosh.html ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 08:53:58 -0800 From: Mike Robertshaw Subject: History of computers part 2 Whoops! Two messages on the same day yesterday - caught out by the time difference. I'd forgotten that the Americas are 'behind the times' :). The remainder of the second of yesterday's message is below (PS to HUMOR police: it's already Wednesday here) Over the next few years, Microsoft continued to come out with new improved, versions of MS-DOS, featuring a constantly expanding repertoire of incomprehensible and/or scary screen messages, including: B: NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR INVALID SWITCH PATH NOT FOUND WARNING! ALL DATA WILL BE LOST! And just about everybody's all-time favorite: ABORT, RETRY, FAIL? We loyal Microgeeks faithfully upgraded every time a new version came out, until finally, somewhere around Version 3.7, we had reached the point where we could use MS-DOS to actually run programs on our computers, and Bill Gates had reached the point where he had pproximately 217 personal jet airplanes. I should point out that, while all this [MS-DOS masochism] was going on, there was another kind of computer developing, in a parallel universe. This was the Apple, and it operated on an entirely different concept, which was: A regular human could use it. You simply turned it on, and immediately, just like that, you could do stuff with it. It had little pictures on the screen, and a little mouse that made a pointer move to the picture you wanted; even a child could understand this. For many years, while we MS-DOS people were typing insanely obscure instructions like: dir c:\abcproj\docs\lttrs\sales\apr\*.* The Apple people were simply aiming their little mouse pointers at little pictures and going click. In short, the Apple was far easier to use. So the vast majority of us serious computer users rejected it. As I noted in the introduction, the main reason we have computers is so we can be tormented by them. We don't want some wussy user-friendly computer: We want a challenge. That's why, to this very day, Apple is not considered by us cyberwonks to be a truly serious computer. It is viewed as a computer that is popular mainly with your flaky or artsy-fartsy type of individual -- your artist, your poet, your beatnik, your flower-arranger, your heroin addict, your Barry Manilow. We serious users pride ourselves on wrestling with openly hostile computers that are running on an operating system from the proud, incomprehensible Microsoft tradition. That operating system, of course, is Windows. As I write these words, the computer world is still reverberating with the excitement surrounding the introduction of Windows 95, which replaced Windows Version 3.11, which replaced Windows 3.1, which replaced Windows Version 3.0, and so on backward to the original Windows Version 1.0, which did nothing except put a colorful Windows logo on the screen along with a message that said OUT OF MEMORY. Windows 95 represented a major step forward in the sense that it was virtually nothing like any of the earlier Windows versions and nobody had any idea how to use it. Naturally it was hugely popular. Everybody wanted it; Microsoft was getting bulk orders from rainforest-dwelling tribes that didn't even have electricity. Nevertheless, there are certain basic computer terms that you need to try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a computer, you don't sound like just some random putz. Instead, you'll sound like a specific putz who memorized some terms out of a book. HARDWARE This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. SOFTWARE These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking them through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give instructions to the CPU, which is a set of three initials inside the computer that rapidly processes billions of tiny facts, called BYTES, and within a fraction of a second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that requires you to call the CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on HOLD for approximately the life span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the "manuals" shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on. MEGAHERTZ This is a really, really big hertz. RAM This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit of measurement for RAM is the "MEG," which stands for a certain amount of RAM." The function of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. BILL GATES currently has over 743 billion "megs" of RAM, and he still routinely feels the need to stuff a ZUCCHINI in his UNDERWEAR. You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface" with computer experts. For example, if you're purchasing a new computer, you want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that store personnel will realize that they're dealing with a person who has a high level of technical expertise: STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you? YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the "megahertz." STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a supermarket. YOU: Let me see your "zucchini." -- Mike Robertshaw @:-) MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK Tel.: (852) 27686802 Fax: (852) 27891170 Open Learning Institute of Hong Kong, 30 Good Shepherd St, Kowloon, Hong Kong ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 20:42:38 -0600 From: Cyndi Johnson Subject: Russamer? What was that 15 pages of crap sent to all of us? ***This message was printed with recycled electrons*** ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 10:33:05 -0500 From: Chalapathi Poduri Subject: Polish Jokes -Concluding Part Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight. Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours. A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired but the Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground. chalapathi :) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 18:43:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: Damn Yankee You might be a Damn Yankee if... 1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! 3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5) You don't know what a moon pie is. 6) You've never had grain alcohol. 7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra. 8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've see are on road trips. 10) You have no idea what a polecat is. 11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head. 12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 13) You don't have bangs. 14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent. 19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show. 20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. 21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway. 23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. 25) You call binoculars "opera glasses." 26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 28) You don't know what applique is. 29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game. 30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob) 31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 32) You've never been to a craft show. 33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. 34) You can't do your laundry without quarters. -=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com --- . SPEED 2.00 #1157 . "All we are saying is, give pizza chants." ---- The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet ------------------------------ End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1997 to 5 Mar 1997 **********************************************